by Max Howell
Well, I must get back to the school books. I have about two exams a day when they get going. At least I have English first, which will give me confidence, as I know my novels, poetry and Shakespeare backwards. Mathematics I - ugh! - is that afternoon, but History - thank heaven! - is two days later, which should again boost my morale. So much has happened in the last month to distract me, but as you know I will try as hard as I can.
Mark, I love you, love you, love you. I just wish I could have letters awaiting you in every port, but not even you knew your destinations. This at least will greet you when you arrive in the US. Hopefully, it will be your first letter, and in writing it I want to say that I wish you all the very best in this new chapter of your life. I know that it will be very hard work, but I also know my Mark and how he can apply himself to any challenge, so I have no doubt you will be an outstanding success. Look after yourself, and think about me every night, as I do you.
I love you,
Faith.
The exams were a strain on her, but she felt she did well in History and English, her favourite subjects, fairly well in French, and not too well in the Science subjects. She felt drawn and was pale, but attributed it all to the strain of the last weeks. Somehow, however, she did not feel quite right, and felt a moment of panic as she realized her period was two days overdue, as she had always been very regular. She rationalized that it was caused by the late nights and irregular hours she had been keeping, so she went to the beach to be in the sun, and started taking very hot baths twice a day, and a dose of Epsom’s Salts, because she had heard that these could bring on a period. But day by day, when nothing happened, she got increasingly worried.
She started to analyse what would happen if she were pregnant. The one thing that became clear in her mind was that Mark could not be told. His reaction would be instantaneous. He would immediately return to be with her, she knew that, and the future that he had worked so hard for would be over before it started. She resolved that he must not know, no matter the consequences. It was then she decided to write to him.
Dear Mark,
The exams are over. I feel very run down, as I crammed so much the last week, but a few days on the beach seem to have helped restore me to near normalcy again. You would perhaps joke that I never was normal.
One thing that I have to tell you is that I have had my period. We only had one night where something could have happened, but I knew you will be relieved, as I was, though I never would have admitted it to you, to know we have no fears in that direction. So you can rest easy.
The beach was glorious. Just walking along the promenade was so pleasant, the sea breeze playing with my hair and the sun warming my body. Even the old Coogee Bay Hotel looked pretty good, at least from the outside, as there is no way I would ever go in alone. I will leave that to your Dad. Talking about your father, he stopped me the other day at Peter’s Corner and would not stop talking about you. Said you were the apple of his eye, and that he could hardly wait for us to get married. Said he would be proud to give us away. I know you will not like to hear it, but he was pretty drunk and did not look too good.
So many people ask about you. They think I know what you are doing every minute of every day. Anyhow, you would be surprised to know how many people like you.
While I was in Coogee I dropped in to see Terry at the Aquarium. He also misses you. You were the highpoint of his career, and he said nobody he ever met had your drive. He was quite depressed. He said you were like the cricketer Victor Trumper, a champion who would appear every fifty years or so, and then there would be a drought. I do not remember Victor Trumper, but Terry said he was a legend in his time, who defied all the rules and would invariably try to hit the first ball for six. Apparently he was a great sportsman, and the crowds loved him. Terry went on and on about you, I loved every minute of it. He said to come and see him any time, that he missed us both. You remember how grumpy he was at first about you and me? He really is a big softy.
Every night, and now every day because my exams are over, I think of you, nothing else but you. I dream every day of you, sometimes I feel you are walking with me, and the other day I reached out with my hand to touch you. It felt so very nice.
So here I am a girl of leisure, having nothing to do but wait for my exam results in January. Cross my fingers I get a Teachers’ College Scholarship. If I do, I will be teaching by the time you get back, so then I will be able to buy your dinner.
Hope everything is going well. You are still on the high seas. I wonder where? Someday I would like to travel with you. We could see the world, holding hands, terribly in love. Terribly, terribly, terribly in love. I am writing this lying in bed. Wish you were here with me. Love you, love you, love you.
Your slave girl,
Faith.
So it is done, she thought, he will have no further worries. The only thing I am adamant about, he must not know about my pregnancy. I do not care what else happens.
As the weeks passed the stark reality hit home to her. She was indeed pregnant! Her nipples had become very sore, and twice she vomited in the mornings. All she could think about was what she should do, and at times a panic overtook her. For two days she actually contemplated suicide. Mark, she thought, would eventually get over it, and his life would not be completely ruined because of her. She prayed to God, and prayed again and again, hoping that He would come to her rescue, but her appeals went unanswered.
The more she thought about it, and she thought of scarcely anything else, Faith came to the conclusion that her parents would support her. They always had, and they loved her deeply. She felt very thankful for she knew after the initial shock they would do everything to support her. Otherwise she might indeed have suicided.
She had to consider abortion. The more she thought about it, the more it reviled her. The baby she was carrying was Mark’s, and it had been made with the purest of love and idealism. It would be like killing a part of Mark, a part of their love, and she could not and would not do that. Her plan became unclear at this point. She felt it might be possible to have the baby, conceal it from Mark, and when he returned in four years confess it to him. But how to conceal it? Everyone would soon know, and Mark would then be told. Abortion however was out! It was her baby, and Mark’s, a living thing in her body, beautiful and wonderful in its conception.
Telling her parents was one of the hardest things she had to do in her life, and she agonized over it, breaking into tears in her own room as she contemplated it. She was distraught, as she felt she had failed them. They had put such faith in her. She dreaded telling them, though she knew that they would give her the support she so desperately needed. As for this point in time, she felt so very much alone.
She decided it was best to tell her mother first, so she waited until her father went for his customary afternoon beer at the Coach and Horses. When he had departed Faith, trembling because of what she had to do, called out to her mother.
“Mum, will you come into my room for a minute? I would like to talk to you.”
Her mother knew immediately what it was all about when she walked into the room. She could tell by the expression on her daughter’s face, and the way her voice shook. A cold shiver went through her body. My girl, my little girl, how could it happen to you?
“What is it, Faith?” she asked in an innocent voice, dreading what she knew she was about to hear.
“Mum, this is very difficult for me, and it will be for you. I … I’m pregnant!” She blurted it out, and then burst into tears, unable to speak, because she had agonized for so long over what she should say.
Her mother took her in her arms, and cried with her. “My darling, my little darling, do not worry, it is all right. My poor, beautiful darling, it is all right, it is all right,” and rocked her, like when she was a baby.
“Oh, Mum, Mum,” she cried out, her heart bursting.
“It will be all right, Faith, I can assure you it will be all right.”
“I have been
wanting to tell you for weeks, Mum, but I had to be certain, and then I was just frightened to tell you. I felt I had let you and Dad down.”
“You have never let us down, Faith, in the past or now. We are all human, and after all you have been very much in love.”
“Oh, Mum, I knew you would be kind with me, and I know Dad will too, but I wanted you to tell him.”
“He loves you, Faith, and he is a very strong and reliable man. He is strongest when there is trouble. But let us talk it all out before he comes home. How long has it been, Faith?”
“It is about six weeks, Mum.”
“Then maybe you are wrong, and you are just upset about Mark leaving.”
“I do not think so, Mum, I feel it in my body. It only ever happened once between us. It was … it was the night Mark left,” she said tremulously.
“Well, Mark will have to know.”
“No, Mum, no!” she screamed, “He must not know! Ever! I would kill myself first.”
Her mother was taken aback by her daughter’s outburst. “What do you mean, Faith, he is the father.”
“I know, Mum, I know. But don’t you understand, he would come back, and it would ruin his future. This is his one big chance for success in life! I know him only too well, he would rush back and give up everything for me.”
“But so he should, Faith. He is the father, and you would both somehow survive.”
“Survive, yes. He would have to take any old job and we would finish up broke and desperate, like most of the people we know.”
“But maybe that should be his choice, Faith.”
“It is my choice too, Mum. He is the finest person I have ever met in my life, and I could not do it to him. I would kill myself first, I honestly would, Mum. I would kill myself.” The desperation in her voice was so apparent, and her mother now knew she could not change her daughter’s mind.
“Now calm yourself, Faith. You know your father and I will support you, but we must talk this thing through. Your Dad and I will have to think about it for a while. After all, we have not had the time to think about it like you have. So just keep calm and let us think it all through. So I guess you are suggesting an abortion?”
“No, Mum, under no circumstances! I know I have not figured it all out, Mum, and I am a bit confused. I do not want Mark to know and I want to have the baby. I must have the baby, Mum, I must! It will be a wonderful baby, because it was conceived in such love.”
“I am sure it will be a beautiful baby, Faith, just like you. But how do you think you are going to have it and Mark will not know. He will find out in no time. You just cannot hide things like that.”
“I do not know, Mum, I honestly do not know. But it must be like that, it simply must be.”
Her mother hugged Faith and consoled her, and lay her down on the bed.
“Listen, young lady, one thing I do know for certain is that we have had enough emotion for one night. Do not say anything to your father, leave him to me. He is a pretty fine man, and he is more logical than you or me. But do not worry, we will figure out what is best for you. Now lie down and go to sleep.” She kissed her daughter and put her to bed, which she had not done for years. “And do not give a thought about ever letting us down. You are our perfect girl and ever will be.”
“Oh Mum, Mum, I love you so,” Faith cried out, and sobbing, consoled by her mother, slowly fell to sleep. “I knew I could depend on you and Dad. Please help me, Mum, I need you so.”
“We will, Faith, we will. Now go to sleep.”
When her father came home, her mother explained to him the drama that had unfolded in his absence. He did not say a word at first, then got up and quietly opened the door to Faith’s room. He sighed as he looked at her, asleep in her room. Her mother stood next to him. “She is so bloody young,” he whispered.
Yes she is,” replied Faith’s mother, “and very fragile and determined. We have to be very careful or a tragedy could result.”
“Yes, she is a strange little creature, and if frightened could do something very foolish. Whatever happens, we must support her completely. What is done is done, what we have to do as parents is help. I will figure out something.”
Her mother fell into his arms. “I love you, Mr Rogers. You are quite a person, and I have not told you that in quite a while.”
“I sort of like you too, old girl. We will see this through, the three of us.”
Her parents talked through the night, and the next morning her father woke Faith up with a kiss.
“Have not kissed you like that for years,” he said gently. “So my little girl is going to have a baby?”
“Y-yes, Dad, I am.”
“Well, you know your Mum and I are with you all the way. The first thing is, no more tears. We want the baby too.”
“Oh, Dad, you’re wonderful.” She could not stop herself, and burst into tears.
“Now did you hear what I said? No more tears. Just smiles. You see, I am going to be a grandfather and your mother a grandmother. That is a cause for celebration, not tears. So clean up your face and stick out your chin, just like I have seen you do many a time over the years. We want the baby too.”
“Oh, Dad, you really are something,” she stammered, and hugged him, experiencing a closeness she had not felt for years.
“Now all this will not be that easy, but we will do the very best we can. The first part is pretty simple. Some holidays are coming up, and I think we all need a rest. My brother has a property just outside of Casino, just south of the Queensland border, and he has been trying to get us all up there for years. He is my older brother, and he looked after me when my father and mother died. You have not seen him for years, Faith. He is as solid as a rock and can be absolutely depended on. They have no children, as you know. We will go up for a period, and your mother will stay up with you after that and will go up and back depending on how you feel. You can have the baby there. How does that sound?”
“It sounds fine, Dad, just fine.”
“Now we can say to everybody you need a rest after the strain of the exams and Mark leaving, and later we can say you enjoyed the property and decided to work up there for a year. If your scholarship comes through we can request a delay. Does all this make sense?”
“Yes, Dad, it is perfect.”
“The one thing I cannot figure out is Mark. I just cannot see how he will not find out.”
“That is what I am not certain of also. It means I will have to tell him that it is all off between us, that I have had second thoughts, and I cannot wait four years. That is all I can think of. It is the only way I know. Otherwise he would find out, and, Dad, it would kill me if he had to give up everything he has worked so hard for.”
“I understand, Faith, now do not get yourself worked up again. And you are certain you do not want to have the baby adopted?”
“Dad, I just could not bear to give the baby away.”
“Well, that is it. As I said, I want to be a grandfather and I want the baby too. I will ring my brother to-day, but I already know his answer. As for telling Mark that you two are breaking up, I know how you feel and I know how hard that will be.”
“I just love him so, Dad. I just feel I have had so much unexpected happiness with him, and now I will have his baby. I am willing to sacrifice myself for his ultimate welfare.”
“You are a strange little girl, Faith, but I love you, and so does your Mum. I could not imagine anyone else coming to the same decision as you have.”
“I do not know anyone else, Dad, who has been in love as much as Mark and I.”
“Perhaps you are right. If this is what will make you happy, then we support you all the way.”
“I will not be very happy telling Mark I will not see him again, but I feel it is the only way. Oh, Dad, I love him so.”
“I know, Faith, I know. Now do not worry, and if you change your mind we will support you, whatever you wish to do.”
“I will not change my mind, Dad. It is obvious
ly the hardest decision in my life, and it is the right one for the man I love.”
“Anyhow, we cannot figure out every possibility at this stage. I think this is as much as we can plan at this very moment.”
Before he rang his brother, Faith and her mother went to the doctor, and he confirmed what her body told her, that she was almost six weeks’ pregnant. She certainly did not look it, but she felt it.
Her father’s brother agreed to the visit, and in three days they were all in the train going to the north of the State. Before she left, Faith wrote the letter that was to alter the course of her life.
My dearest Mark,
This letter is the toughest thing I have had to do in my life, and I have agonized over it. In my last letter to you, I told you I was slowly coming back to normal. Such is not the case. The strain of the examinations, what happened between us, and your departure has left its toll on me, and after agonizing over my decision and talking it over with my parents I have decided to take a year off, and have gone to the country to work, so that I can gather myself up again, restore my energy, and gain a better perspective on life.
What happened between us was perfect, and will never be repeated in either of our lives. What happened will warm us both throughout the rest of our time on earth, provide us with memories of innocence and beauty and pure love. Our love will be eternal, like we said, but after heart-rending self-analysis I have concluded that our situation is not fair to you or I. Four years is an awfully long time, and during it you would have to limit any relationships and so would I. I feel that you should grow up, and so should I.
Do not think unkindly of me, Mark, ever. I know I will treasure our love and only remember you as you were, and what happened will be the highlight of my life. What I am trying to say, and it is most painful, is that this is the last letter that I will write you. I know you better than anybody, and I know what a strong person you are. You are an idealist, like I am, but you are also much more of a realist, and as time passes you will realise that the hurt I cause you by doing this is the only way I can set you completely free. As of this moment I give you your freedom. It will allow you to grow and develop. I am only 18, going on 19, and I would be almost 23 before I saw you again. This way, I too can grow and develop. I know you will eventually see it as the best thing for both of us.