by Max Howell
“Look, Mark, you will concede that you leaving would have a very traumatic effect on her. It is a hell of a strain. Maybe she just needs a little reassurance. She may have already regretted what she wrote - there may be another letter on the way. The letter is so out of character.”
“That is what has completely devastated me.”
“What I suggest is you take the day off. I will talk to Bob Losey. He is pretty good in an emergency situation, and he is very pleased with your work. The best bet is to sleep on it to-night, if you can. To-morrow take off on your own. Go for a walk through Tilden Park. The fresh air and the woods will do you good. Think it all through in the light of day. Then write her a long letter, tell her you love her, that you cannot accept what she wrote. Reassure her! Remind her of all the wonderful times. In my opinion everything will then be all right, whereas flying back to Australia will put an end to your career here. We just could not afford to fly you over to Australia and back. Try a letter or two, and I lay odds that will do the trick.”
“I know what you say makes sense, coach. Just talking to you has made a big difference. I will do as you say, and give it twenty-four hours.”
“That is great, Mark, just great. You two kids have got too much on the ball and are too deeply committed not to stick together. So do you feel better right now?”
“I feel a bit more calm, coach, thanks. You will ring Bob Losey for me?”
“No problem at all! I will get up early and ring him!”
“Thanks, Coach - and thanks again for everything.”
George left the room. Mark sat on the edge of the bed for a while, his head in his hands. He then picked up the letter again, and his hands started to tremble as he re-read it. It just does not make any sense! It is so unlike her! Maybe she is upset somehow and is just testing my love! But surely she knows that I love her and mean what I say? Maybe George is right, a few letters will sort it out.
He was nevertheless still shaken, and got up and went quickly to the bathroom, where he vomited and then dry-retched. He rinsed his mouth out and went back to bed, and lay there, in a virtual state of shock. The near-hysteria had passed, but he felt dull and lifeless. He lay there thinking of Faith, and started to cry again. Sleep eluded him, the images coming back, their times travelling by tram with, their moments in the village, their love-making. It makes no sense!
About four in the morning he got up and dressed, and silently went out of the house. A cool breeze on his face brought him back to life, and the silence of the streets calmed him, so he could reason everything through. Though sick at heart, he could now at least debate the situation calmly, whereas he could not before.
He kept walking past the University and towards the Bay flats. He vaulted the fence, and found a secluded spot where he could hear the sound of the water. He sat there, thinking, going over and over everything in his mind. He watched the sun rise, and when he looked back he saw the Berkeley Hills and stretching out before him the Bay bridge and the other Bay communities.
As he carefully analysed the situation he felt that something must have happened that Faith had magnified in her mind. All her letters had expressed her love and life-long commitment. Startling though her letter had been, he could not in his heart believe that her statements were irreversible.
So he decided that he would send her a telegram, so that she at least would get something immediately, and then write her a letter re-expressing his love. Their love, he felt, was too deep for any break in their relationship.
Calmed down somewhat now that his course of action was clear, he walked back home, explained to George what he was going to do, and then prepared the telegram he would send, and the letter.
The telegram said simply:
RECEIVED YOUR LETTER. GREAT SHOCK AND THERE IS NO WAY YOUR STATEMENTS ARE ACCEPTED. I LOVE YOU AND WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. LETTER WILL BE SENT TODAY. MARK.
Then he wrote his reply.
My darling Faith,
Your letter was received and I have to say it was the biggest shock I have ever had in my life. I am still stunned, and could not sleep last night.
I feel deep down I must have written something that has disturbed you, or you have heard something about me that has upset you somehow. Or maybe you feel that I have fallen out of love with you.
Whatever caused you to write your letter, I just want to say how deeply sorry I am and apologise for anything that I might have done or written. I would hope that you would believe that I could never in my life do anything to hurt you. Surely you know that. You are my life, my love. Wherever we are we breathe the same air, smell the same flowers, see the same stars. Our lives are intertwined, our destinies linked together. Nothing, my darling Faith, could ever keep us apart.
For the remainder of my life I will never forget the young lady who would watch me daily from her window, and who would wait outside the Coogee Aquarium while I swam; and when I did talk to you, I could see the puppy love in your eyes and the effect I was having on you, my little, frightened, emotional girl; and I remember you in that chocolate brown uniform, travelling with Frank and me to and from school. How happy you were, “The two Musketeers and the Musketress”. Nothing could ever erase those memories, the moments we shared together.
Then there was the unfolding of our love at the Olympic Games, and afterwards. Every moment of that time is seared forever in my memory. At night, as I lie in bed and think of you, it is as if you are with me, as I want you with me forever.
So, my little one, please forgive me for what I have done to offend you. My love has never wavered, and never shall. Never doubt me, as I will never doubt you. The four years here will soon go by, and then we will have forty years together, years of wonder and beauty, and our love will grow deeper.
I love you, my darling, and I will ever be,
Your own
Mark.
P.S. My own career will ever be secondary to the love I have for you, and if necessary I will give up everything here and fly to you. Our happiness is more important than anything else in my life.
CHAPTER 6.
FAITH IS MARRIED … TO TOCH
The relationship with Toch and Faith matured as the days went on. She felt no love for him, she knew she could only love one person in her lifetime, but she nevertheless looked forward to his visits. He asked nothing of her, simply took her as she was. Though Toch said little, he acted unknowingly as a psychiatrist, and as her confidence with him increased she revealed more of her personal story, and the telling released many of the pent-up emotions that had been welling inside her. Toch was never critical or searching, but simply allowed her to unfold her story at her own pace.
Then Toch talked about his own life, how he had been deeply in love with his own wife, and how she and the unborn baby they were expecting had both died tragically after a difficult and emergency Caesarian operation after a fall from their porch that occasioned complications. Though this had occurred almost two years ago, the extent of his continued grief was only too obvious. In a way Faith felt embarrassed, as she had been concerned solely with her own problems, little realising that he too had his share of tragedies. In life, she thought, we only think about our own problems, when others may have had greater emotional crises.
Their mutual anguish drew them together, and it was only a matter of time when her complete story was told. When she finished recounting the story of her worship for Mark, she burst into tears. He tried to console her, quietly, and then she blurted out, “And now here I am, Toch, and … and … you may as well know it, I am three months pregnant.” She sobbed uncontrollably.
“It is all right, Faith, I have guessed as much. I thought, however, that someone had jilted you. I had no idea it was you that did the jilting.”
“But can’t you see, Toch, that I could not have him give up his career, everything that he has worked so hard for?”
“I can understand it, Faith, but it is obviously a sacrifice that only a person with the deepest of love could ma
ke. For after all, Faith, the real loser is you.”
“It is in a sense, but surely you can see that his success and happiness are more important than my own? Surely that is the ultimate love?”
“I can understand it, Faith, but it is also the ultimate sacrifice.”
“Perhaps it is. But it is what I want to do. What he has given me is worth a thousand lifetimes. Can you see that, Toch?”
“I can, even if I may not altogether agree with it. What if your plan does not work. What if he calls your bluff, and comes flying home?”
“I do not know, Toch, I just do not know what I would do. But I do not think I could live knowing that he gave up his whole future for me.”
As time went on, Faith had Mark’s telegram and letter passed on to her, and she read them again and again, with near horror, especially the final words of his letter … “If necessary I will give up everything here and fly to you. Our happiness is more important than anything else in my life.”
Mark then started calling Faith’s mother and father, and he wrote to them, pleading, but they informed him that Faith had gone away and did not want to see him. He wrote to Faith again pleading with her to reconsider, and reaffirmed that he would fly home to her.
It was at this stage that Toch presented his solution.
“Faith, you have told me everything and shown me everything that Mark has written. I am hesitant to say this, but if you are adamant you only have one course of action.”
“What do you mean, Toch?”
“Now hear me out, Faith, just hear me out. If you stick to your present position Mark will fly back. He loves you too much for anything else. He loves you just like you love him.”
“Then what can I do?”
“Listen, Faith, I have thought about this long and hard the last few months, as bit by bit I have put together the pieces of your story. There is only one way out if you mean what you say. Now I just want you to think about it a day or so, but I would be honoured if you would consider marrying me.”
The shock showed on her face. “Toch, I … I just could not! I appreciate your suggestion. But, and please do not be offended, I appreciate more than you may realise your friendship. I do not know how I could get through this without it. I think I would have had a breakdown, or kill myself. But, Toch, surely you, of all people, should know. I do not love you and I am truly sorry, but I could never love you.” She looked at him piteously, her heart breaking as she wrestled with the very concept he had advanced.
“Faith, please, please just think about it for a while. If you are married it will stop any irrational acts on his behalf. There is no way he could fly home then.”
“I know that, Toch – but surely you can see, I could not … how do I say it? … I just could not be a wife to you … I just could not, Toch, I would die inside. Surely you can understand that?”
“Of course I can. Listen, Faith, I will not pretend I do not love you. I do! As I have listened to you and been involved with your problems I have come to realise the depth of your own character. You are a woman in a million! But you have to understand me, Faith. You have to also appreciate me and what makes me tick. As you know, I was married, and I was also in love. I have been two years without that love. I am a lonely person, Faith, and all I ask is companionship.”
She listened to him intently. “What do you mean, Toch?”
“I mean, Faith, that if we were to marry there is no way that I would ever violate you.”
“What do you mean, violate me?”
“I am sorry, I just do not express myself very well. What I am trying to say is that I will not impose upon you sexually, to be very blunt. It will be just like now, Faith, except we shall be living in the same house.”
“But do you not understand? I just could not go to bed with you. It would kill me, inside!”
“Of course I understand. Listen, Faith, I want your friendship and companionship, that is all. We will have separate rooms. I mean it! It is a very large house. You will have your privacy, I will never, never intrude on it. We will simply be friends, just the best of friends. But only we will know the exact situation.”
“Is such a thing possible?”
“Faith, I know what a strong person you are. But so am I. I have been very, very lonely, just as you feel now. I cannot tell you what it has been like to be alone in a house, where before there has been laughter, and love. I have a very large house, and you will live in one part of it and I in the other. We will gradually work out what each of us does, but of course during the daylight hours, except for lunch, I will be looking after the property, the cattle and the sheep. That will be my job.”
“But would you be able to stick to what you say, Toch?”
“As I said, I am a strong person. Cannot you see, Faith, that you will be helping me as much as I will be helping you. This way, Mark will not come home. To his knowledge, you will be married. If you wish, when he comes back to Australia, you can tell him the real story, and leave me if you must.”
“But what about my baby, Toch, that baby is more important to me than anybody? It grows daily inside of me, and now it is over three months old.”
“Out here in the bush no one cares if the baby is early or late. The baby is yours and Mark’s, and that fact will never be discussed by me unless you bring it up. But can’t you see? The baby will have a father, for itself and its happiness, whether it is a boy or a girl, and as well for the outside world, where it will not have to face ignorance and prejudice. But, Faith, Mark will ever be the father, and if it is your wish when he or she is old enough, then you could explain what happened. So what do you say?”
“I am a little frightened, Toch, I honestly do not know what to think. But as I have said, you have helped me more than I can tell you, and I like you, Toch, I like you … as a person. You are a very fine man.”
“And I think you are a very fine woman. So there we have it, the perfect solution.”
“But I have just never thought of anything like this. It would have seemed as if it would have been an infringement of the love that Mark and I have for each other. It would have been, but not if we do not live together in the traditional sense. You see, Toch, though I have taken a step that has forced a decision for Mark’s career, the deep love I have could never be broken, and I could do nothing that would sever completely that undying love. For that love is of the heart and the soul. It has been fulfilled, and the baby will ever be a reminder of that fulfillment.”
“Anyhow, Faith, you just think about it. Take as long as you like, I am in no hurry.”
“But maybe I am the one who is in a hurry. The baby is growing, and Mark is definitely liable to fly home. That is what I do not want! No, Toch, though at first what you said seemed impossible, now I can see that it makes an awful lot of sense. We could be a comfort to each other. If … if you are really serious Toch, and you can accept that I will only ever love Mark, though I will ever respect you and never do anything to destroy that respect, then I do not have to think about it anymore. I … I would like us to get married, and as early as possible.” She reached forward and gently touched his hand, sealing their agreement.
“Then so be it. Let us talk to your uncle and aunt, and we will ring your mother and father.”
They were married a few weeks later. It was a simple ceremony, held in Toch’s house. Faith did not look at Toch during the service, and at times closed her eyes. Throughout the ceremony she dreamed she was being married to Mark. It was as if Toch did not exist. She was with Mark! He was beside her, and her dreams were being fulfilled
But when the ceremony was over, it was Toch by her side, and not Mark. When all the guests had left, Toch came up to her and held her hand. “Good-night, Faith,” he said quietly, and led her to her room. Then he smiled at her, and said: “Everything will be all right, Faith, you will see.” He turned slowly on his heels and walked to his room in another part of the house.
Faith undressed, and lay on the bed. It felt soft, a
nd warm, and she lay on her back and looked at the ceiling. Then she turned over, and was overcome with emotion. “Oh Mark,” she cried, “Oh Mark, I love you and shall ever love you. If only you were here.”
Finally sleep came. She was now Mrs Christensen, alone in a strange home, pregnant. And she was in love, deeply so, with another man.
CHAPTER 7.
A LIFE WITHOUT FAITH
When the letter from Frank came, Mark was so stunned he could not cry out or even say anything. He just stared at the letter in disbelief.
Dear Mark,
Mate, I simply do not know how I can tell you what has happened. It simply defies description and analysis.
You asked me to check out the situation with respect to Faith. I love you both, as you know, so I went to Faith’s house and her mother answered the door. I explained how you were beside yourself with recent developments, and how you would fly home if you must in order to reinforce to Faith your love.
Mate, her mother looked me in the eye and said: ‘I’m sorry to have to tell you this, Frank, but Faith went up country and she just got married. We just came back from the wedding. So please tell Mark that Faith is now married, but she wishes him every success in the future.’
I feel terrible that I am the one to tell you this, mate. I just cannot believe it! I know it will be all that harder for you, because I know the depth of your feelings. I am writing this as soon as I got home, and I am still shaking my head in disbelief. I just have visions of the three of us, how she looked at you. I will never forget it, Mark, I have never seen such love and how you looked at her.
I know what this letter will do to you, and I am the last person who would want to tell you this. The Two Musketeers and the Musketeers. There are only two of us left, mate, only two of us.
So flying back, Mark, is a sheer waste of time on your part. She is married, bloody married! It is as simple as that! Why? Well, you have really got me! If I live to be a hundred I will never be able figure it out! But she has married, Mark, she has married, MARRIED!