You're Not Worthless

by Kayaleah Bradley

  I turn the blow dryer off, and grab my phone. I have three missed calls, and four unread messages.

  Hey, I’m here.

  It’s Lucas. I forgot to tell him that I ‘overslept’.

  You can go ahead. I overslept. I’ll see you at school.

  ...

  Are you sure? I can go late too, if you want.

  I don’t want to make Lucas late. He’s already missed so much school because of me. I respond:

  It’s okay, Lucas. I’ll be fine.

  I continue getting ready. I finish drying my hair, and then I decide to curl it, because I know that it will take a long time. So, I pull the curling iron out from under the sink, and plug it in. I decide to wear makeup again, because that’ll waste some time too. I mask my face with foundation, then check to see if everything is blended. Then, I coat my lashes with mascara.

  Once I’ve finished doing my makeup, I begin curling my hair. It usually takes me around 30 minutes to completely curl and style my hair. It’s almost 8:30 when I’m completely ready to go. Class started at 7:25. My mom has already left for work, so that means she can’t scream at me for being late. I head out the front door and walk to my car.

  The drive to school is filled with anxiety. I haven’t been back to school, obviously since before winter break. But I also haven’t been back to school since the fight in the parking lot. When I get to school, the parking lot is filled with cars. There’s nowhere to park, so I have to park on the street.

  It’s 9:00 when I make it inside and the halls are filled with people. It’s already time for second period, but nobody seems to be focused on that. They’re all focused on me. A boy who looks like he might be a freshman is staring at me from across the main hallway. When I look at him, to acknowledge that he’s staring at me, he doesn’t look away.

  If there’s one thing I’m most uncomfortable with, it’s being stared at. I walk towards the main staircase, and the boy starts walking towards me.

  “Hey,” he says. I try not to acknowledge him. I don’t appreciate being stalked.

  “Your name is Kalani, right?” The boy asks. I finally stop and turn to look at him. He has bright red hair and dark brown eyes.

  “Can I help you with something?” I ask, rudely. “Or would you just prefer to keep stalking me?”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel weird,” the boy says.

  “Who are you anyway?” I ask, realizing that I’ve never even seen this kid at school before today.

  “I’m a sophomore,” the boy says. “My name is Adam.”

  “Okay, Adam,” I say. “Please leave me alone.” I turn to walk away, but Adam calls after me.

  “But I haven’t asked you what I was going to, yet,” he says. I turn to face him, making it very clear that I’m annoyed with him.

  “How did it feel... to get knocked out by that girl with the cast?” He asks. Adam bursts into laughter, and a bunch of kids standing by do too.

  I look around to see people laughing and pointing at me. Some of them are staring at their cell phones and laughing. Some of them look up at me and laugh, as if they’re watching something about me.

  I look back at Adam, suddenly self-conscious.

  “I heard she put you in the hospital!” Adam exclaims, laughing. A group of boys standing in the corner burst into laughter, and some of them begin shouting, as if they’re watching a boxing match.

  “How do you know my name?” I ask, unsure of myself. I realize now that he told me my name, and not the other way around.

  “You know the video went viral on YouTube?” Adam says, ignoring my question.

  “What video...?” I ask, but I’m not sure that I want the answer to that question.

  “You haven’t seen it yet?” He asks me, clearly shocked. “It was posted like three weeks ago. It got over a thousand views from this school alone​​.”

  “What video?” I repeat, there’s a firmness in my voice this time.

  “It was posted on the class chat,” Adam says. “You know, the giant chat room that the seniors created so that everybody could comment on posts and stuff?”

  I shake my head a few times, but I don’t know why. Apparently, there’s a video of me, and it went viral. And what’s worse? It was posted on the school chat room.

  People are still laughing all around me. It’s starting to become overwhelming. Before I can think of a rational thing to do, I run. I run up the stairs of the main staircase, until I reach the fifth floor.

  I’m running so fast that I slam into the bathroom door, push it open, then lock it from

  the inside.

  I lean against the door, and try to catch my breath.

  What video?

  I pull my phone out of my back pocket, and unlock it. I’m trying to type faster than my fingers can manage.

  I pull up the school chat room that I signed up for at the beginning of the school year.

  There’s only one new update: A video, posted about two and a half weeks ago.

  I quickly click on it, and hit the full screen button. I can see three girls, standing around in the student parking lot. And I can see someone else approaching them. It’s Jazmine and her friends... And me. The video zooms in, as Jazmine punches me in the face. You can clearly see me dropping to the floor, out of sight.

  Then Jazmine starts kicking me. Her friends quickly join in; that would explain the reason I felt so many kicks at once: Because I was being attacked by multiple people. You can hear whoever’s videoing. I can hear them laughing and reacting to the video.

  “They recorded it?” I say in shock, but it’s barely a whisper. I begin to feel sick at the thought of someone standing by and watching me be brutally beaten.

  The video ends with the girls sprinting away from me. I look to see how many people saw it. 2,000 views. In just the school group chat. And 1,543 people liked it.

  There are 1,254 comments. I click on the comments. I know I shouldn't, but I need to know what people are saying about me.

  She got taken OUT!

  She deserved to get knocked out! That’s what happens when you decide to be a hoe.

  It’s not like she was that pretty anyways. Maybe getting punched will do her face justice.

  Even with a broken wrist, Jazmine killed it! You go girl.

  Kalani shouldn’t have hit Jazmine like that. She was asking for it.

  Kalani, this was your own fault!

  Team Jazmine!

  The comments begin to consume me. Suddenly I’m overwhelmed with rage, and I chuck my phone as hard as I can. My phone hits the back wall of the bathroom, and falls to the floor, breaking apart. I slide down the wall, until I thump to the floor. I want to cry, so I do. I let myself be weak. I let the tears fall. My tears are silent, though. I don’t sob, and I don’t scream. I just sit there silently, with my eyes closed, while the tears fall.

  * * *

  “Kalani, are you sure you want to stay home today?” My mom asks. I’m lying in bed, with the blinds closed. It’s 6:00 in the morning.

  “Mhm,” I say.

  “You’ve missed a lot of school,” my mom says.

  “I’m sick,” I lie. “I don’t even want to get out of bed.”

  My mom doesn’t speak for a moment, but I can feel her eyes on me. She doesn’t seem to believe me, otherwise she would have left by now.

  “Okay.” I hear footsteps. I continue to listen to them, until they finally fade.

  I feel bad for lying to my mom. I’m not sick. In fact, I feel fine. But I don’t want to go to school. I can’t; not after seeing all of those kids laughing at me. Not after seeing how many people saw the video. Not after reading all of the awful things people said about me.

  I’m not sure why this had to happen to me. I’ve been thinking back to the beginning of the school year, and I just can’t figure out what I did. When I confronted Jazmine, she couldn’t even think of what I did wrong. Sure, she accused me of trying to make a move on her boyfriend, but when I asked her t
o provide proof of the accusation, she couldn’t find a single piece of evidence against me. It’s like she just picked me. It’s like she just saw me and decided that I was the one.

  I was the one who deserved to suffer. And now the whole school agrees with her. Yeah, I feel bad for lying to my mom. But the truth is I would rather die than go back to school.

  * * *

  My mom let me stay home for two days, then finally caught on. She promised that she was doing everything she could to get the principle to stop what’s happening to me at school. But she’s not doing enough.

  “Do you wanna just ditch today?” Lucas asks. He’s driving annoyingly slow, but if I’m being honest, I’d rather not get to school any earlier than I have to.

  “I can ditch with you,” he offers.

  I shake my head. My chest feels tight, like every time I breathe, it squeezes. Anxiety has consumed my life since my senior year started. Even talking makes me feel like I might throw up.

  “Kalani, maybe you should talk to a therapist, like your mom suggested,” Lucas says.

  “Maybe talking to someone about what’s happening will help you deal with it.”

  “What’s a therapist gonna do about a random kid being bullied at school?” I ask. My voice is tight and high pitched, and not mine.

  “Maybe a therapist will give you tips about how to deal with it.”

  “I don’t want tips on how to deal with it,” I shrug. “I want it to stop.”

  Lucas doesn’t say anything for a moment. At first, I think that we might be done with the conversation, but then the car starts to slow even more so.

  Lucas pulls over to the side of the road and puts it in park. I can feel his eyes all over me.

  “Kalani,” Lucas says. He pushes my shoulder back, so I’m forced to turn and look at him.

  “I have watched you slowly fade into yourself for the past three months now, I’ve watched you slowly begin to crawl into yourself... Because that’s where it’s safest. I’ve watched you bend to the point where I’m afraid you’re going to break.” Lucas’s voice sounds cautious, like if he says something too quickly, something bad might happen.

  “If you don’t do something, I am afraid of what’s going to happen to you. And if I’m being honest, I’ve never been this scared before. Bad things are happening to you, Kalani. Things that I can’t understand because they’ve never happened to me before. But I have seen the way this has affected you, Kalani. I have seen you go through Hell and back. And I am scared, Kalani,” Lucas looks concerned, and for a moment, I’m afraid that he might cry.

  “Please don’t let yourself go,” Lucas says. “Because right now, that’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re letting yourself go, and you’re letting your thoughts consume you. I don’t even know who you are anymore. And I’m not saying that to be mean it’s just...” Lucas takes a moment, and sighs deeply.

  I can feel a tear slip down my cheek, and the sad thing is, I no longer have the energy to try and stop it.

  “You’re a completely different person than when you walked into senior year. You’re not happy anymore, you’re not eating as much as you used to, I know​ you’re not getting enough sleep at night. You’re completely engulfed in anxiety. You’re not you, anymore, and that’s the worst part about it, Kalani,” Lucas is touching my arm now, pleading with me.

  “The worst part about this whole thing is the fact that you’ve let these kids completely change you. You’ve let them tear you apart, and I’m done watching it Kalani. I’m done watching you fall.”

  Another tear slips down my cheek, and for some reason I can’t seem to even look at him.

  I know that what he’s saying is true. I just don’t want it to be.

  “Please get help, Kalani,” Lucas says after a moment. Then, he lets go of my arm, and pulls back onto the road.

  I stare out the window and let the tears fall silently.

  Lucas is right; I’m a completely different person. I’ve been beaten and torn down, and buried beneath the ground within the last three months. I have no more fight inside of me. I have no more energy to even defend myself. I no longer care. And Lucas is right about something else, too; I’ve let these kids completely change me.

  That is the worst part about it...

  Thirteen

  I’m walking through the main entrance of the school when my feet suddenly falter. Lucas smacks into my back and I almost topple over, but I can’t seem to move my feet. “Jazmine,” I say, but it’s only a sharp breath of inhale. Her long black hair is curled today, and her face is caked with makeup. The makeup makes her features stand out; she’s beautiful. But she doesn’t need makeup to be beautiful. She already is, all on her own. When did she get back to school? Yesterday? The day before? I was gone for two days.

  In that time, she could’ve done even more damage than she already has.

  “Jazmine’s back?” Lucas says, mimicking my exact thoughts. That means that today is probably her first day back from being suspended.

  Jazmine is talking to a few girls that I don’t recognize, but she stops mid-sentence. Her eyes dart in my direction. We lock eyes, and for a moment I think she might try to kill me.

  “Come on,” Lucas says. He steps in front of me to shield me from Jazmine, and lightly presses me forward.

  “Hey Young!” Jazmine shouts. She steps through the group of people that she was talking to you and walks towards me.

  “Go away, Jazmine,” Lucas says. He sounds angry. I stare at him for a moment, honestly shocked. I’ve never seen him this upset. Part of me is concerned.

  “Wow, can’t even let the bitch speak for herself?” Jazmine teases. “Just another reason I hate her.”

  “The only bitch here, is you,” Lucas says. “Only cowards knock down other people to make themselves feel bigger.”

  Jazmine glares at Lucas, but Lucas doesn’t budge. If anything, I’m afraid for Jazmine. Lucas is six feet tall, works out, and looks pissed. Not to mention, he’s all for ‘gender equality’ meaning he won’t hesitate to knock Jazmine to the ground, if she tries anything. ​

  I notice that the cast on Jazmine’s arm is gone. That makes me nervous; if she was stronger than me with a cast on, I can’t imagine what will happen to me now.

  “You got me suspended,” Jazmine says, her words slow and precise. She doesn’t sound angry. Just irritated.

  “I didn’t do anything,” I say, sounding firmer and more confident than I am.

  “You’re the one who sent me to the hospital. You did that to yourself.”

  Jazmine gives me a look that I can’t seem to read.

  “Well, lucky for you I’ve learned my lesson,” she says. “I won’t touch you.” She begins to walk past me, but stops right next to me.

  “I’ll do something even better,” she whispers, right in my ear. Then she brushes past me and pushes through the main doors.

  The side of my body still feels cold from where she brushed up against me. I shiver, but not from the cold.

  “What did she say?” Lucas asks. He’s staring at me, but I’m staring at the floor. If I’m being honest, I’m just trying to catch my breath.

  “This isn’t the end,” I say, finally looking up at him. “She’s not done with me yet...” Lucas closes his eyes and lets out a sigh of frustration. I want to cry, or scream, or sit down and go to sleep, but I can’t seem to do any of those things.

  All I can do is stand there, and try to stop shaking.

  * * *

  Nothing happened to me during the first four periods of school. Even during first hour, Jazmine was unusually quiet. Quiet makes me nervous; that means she’s planning something. Lucas meets me outside of my fourth hour classroom as usual. I don’t feel like speaking to him; I just want him to be there. He must get the feeling too, because he doesn’t say anything. He just walks beside me, silently.

  My phone vibrates twice in my back pocket, so I pull it out and unlock it. I stop walking and stare at my phone. I have
a notification from the school chat room. I quickly log into my account and scroll through the page. Jazmine Davis updated a status in the school chat room:

  Spoke with Kalani Young this morning before school today! Guess what she told me? She just found out that she’s pregnant! And you know what’s worse? She said that she doesn’t even know who the father is! What a little hoe! LOL.

  At first, I can’t seem to process what I just read. I have to read it five times before I can finally understand what Jazmine’s done. There are already 124 likes and 245 comments on the status.

  Not surprised. Always knew she was a slut.

  Well that’s what happens when you try to steal someone’s boyfriend. Consider this karma, bitch.

  I don’t feel bad for her. I hope that child brings her nothing but misery.

  Jazmine replied to that one:

  Me neither, if anything she deserves just that!

  More comments:

  If anything, I feel bad for the baby! I hope she dies before it ever gets the chance to meet her.

  Lucas is standing over my shoulder, reading the comments, too.

  “Kalani,” he begins. “They’re just a bunch of stuck up kids who can’t help but believe everything they see on the internet.”

  I know he’s right, but I can’t seem to believe him at the moment. The last comment can’t seem to leave me alone.

  I hope she dies...

  I look up from my phone, only to find everyone staring at me. Some of the kids that I’ve known for years look at me with amusement, like what’s happening to me is funny. Some of them glare at me, like they wonder where my parents went wrong with me. A few kids standing across from me point at me, and then turn into each other and whisper something. Then they all burst into laughter.

  The entire situation is beginning to overwhelm me. My head is turning in every direction, looking at every face, and I can’t even stop the tears from falling. Quickly, I turn on my heel and run. I run the way I’ve been running all school year. I’m running away from my problems again. I find the nearest girl’s bathroom at the end of the hallway.