“How have people been reacting to your suicide attempt?” She asks me. Jason makes a sound but I can’t tell what it’s for.
“Not the way they should be,” I say.
“What do you mean by that?”
Everybody is silent, waiting for my answer. I look over to Jason, who seems to be intrigued with what I might say next.
“Well,” I say, clearing my throat. “I think... I think that society has a bad habit of reacting to a terrible situation when it’s too late to be fixed. I was being bullied,” I continue.
“I was being attacked at school, online, mentally, physically... And nobody did anything about it,” I look around the group. Everybody is sitting forward, hanging onto my every word.
“There are hundreds of people at my school; hundreds of people who saw that I was being attacked; hundreds of people who could have stood by my side; hundreds of people who could have saved my life. But nobody did,” I explain.
“Nobody said anything until it was almost too late. Nobody said anything until I almost died. I think that... That is a struggle that society faces. Society doesn’t care until there’s nothing you can do. Society doesn’t care until it’s too late.”
I look over to Jason. He’s nodding along to what I’m saying.
“I think you’re right, Kalani,” Evelyn says. “I think that people can be cruel, or scared, or like you said, they just don’t care. And sometimes society isn’t there to help you, when you need them the most,” she continues. “But you’re wrong about one thing.”
I can’t hide my confusion, so Evelyn continues.
“I don’t believe that you were completely alone,” she says. I look over to Jason again, who’s sitting forward.
“I don’t believe that in this entire situation, there wasn’t at least one person who wasn’t there for you,” Evelyn says. “I believe that no matter the situation, there has to be someone who cares. There has to be. And maybe we don’t believe it. Maybe we think that we’re alone in this world. But maybe we only think that we’re alone, because deep down that’s just how we feel .” A few members of the group are nodding again, and one of the girls is even tearing up.
“But just because we feel a certain way, doesn’t mean that it’s the truth,” Evelyn says.
“So, who was that person, Kalani?” She asks. “Who was the one person who made you feel safe? Who was the one person who defended you, and stood by you, against all of the rest?”
For a moment I can’t speak, can’t move. I can’t because I know that she’s right. And I feel guilty for not being able to see it before she did.
“Lucas,” I respond, but it’s barely a whisper. “My best friend since the third grade... He was there for me from the very beginning.”
“Everybody has a new homework assignment,” Evelyn says, looking away from me.
“Your homework assignment is simple: ask yourself the same question that I just asked Kalani. Find your person; find the person who cares. And once you find that person, never let them go.”
For a moment everyone is silent, maybe because they’re thinking about the question at hand. I realize now that this is partly my fault, because maybe I didn’t have one hundred people defending my name, but I did have one. And that one person cared more about me than the hundreds of people in my community combined.
And maybe that’s okay. I’m beginning to understand; I don’t need hundreds of friends, or people who care about me. I just need the few people in my life who would do anything to protect me.
And that’s enough for me. That’s enough for anyone.
* * *
“Jason!” I shout. I jog to catch up with him, because he’s already made his way to the exit. I’m not sure why he’s in such a hurry.
Jason turns around just as I’m catching up to him. I pull the letter that he gave me out of my pocket and hand it to him.
“Thank you for letting me read it,” I say. For a moment Jason only stares at it, folded up in the palm of my hand.
“It made me realize how wrong it would be for me to leave everything behind. And I’m sorry that you lost your best friend.”
Jason takes the piece of paper from my hand and opens it up. He skims it for a moment, as if reliving the moment, he found it.
“I’m glad it had an impact on you,” Jason says, smiling. “Today’s group session opened my eyes. I think that you’re right about society. But I also agree with Evelyn,” he continues. “I don’t think that we’re alone in this world... Not completely.”
* * *
“Thank you for coming in on such short notice,” Evelyn says. Today was supposed to be my one-on-one session with Evelyn but it’s clear that she had other plans.
My mom and dad sit next to Skylar on the couch in front of the window. Caden sits next to me on the two-person couch, and Amelia and Mia sit across from us. Evelyn sits in the chair across from my parents.
“I called you all here today, because we all need to talk,” Evelyn says seriously. Then she turns to me.
“Tell them how you feel, Kalani,” she says. “Don’t hold back.”
My family turns their attention to me. I can feel a lump forming in my throat. Why is this
so difficult?
“Um,” I begin. “For the past year or two, I’ve sort of felt like our family has become distant.” I stop to look around, but everyone looks confused.
“I just feel like we’re not a family anymore. And I feel like when I started to feel alone and like nobody cared about me, my family wasn’t there for me.”
Nobody says anything.
“Mom, Dad,” I begin again, looking over to them. “I feel like you guys are more invested in your work than you are with me. I feel like you just don’t care anymore.
I feel like these past few years I’ve been on my own,” I continue. Both my mom and dad look somewhat shocked.
“And I know that you guys were never trying to shut me out. I know that you guys were working so much because you wanted to give me and my siblings a better life. But somewhere along the way you forgot to check in on me,” I explain. “You forgot to be my friend; someone I could talk to. I felt like you guys didn’t care about me. And now, I feel like you guys care more, but for all of the wrong reasons. I feel like you only care now because I tried to kill myself. And I just wish that it didn’t have to come to this, for you guys to care.”
For a moment my parents don’t speak. I guess they don’t know what to say.
“I’m big on homework assignments,” Evelyn says, breaking the tension. “So, your homework assignment-all of you-is to spend more time with each other.
Talk to each other about what you're feeling,” she continues. “Watch a movie, go out for dinner, play a game, anything. You guys all need to reconnect. You need to be a family again.”
I look over to my mom and dad, then over to Mia and Amelia.
“A family is unlike any other relationship you will find in your lifetime,” Evelyn says. “A family shares an unbreakable bond-it’s forever. No matter what happens in your life, your family should always have your back. Learn to have each other’s back, if you don’t have a family to turn to when times get tough, then what do you have? Nothing.” Evelyn says.
“Kalani,” Evelyn turns to me and says, “Your family is your security. Don’t ever let them go.”
Another silence falls over us.
At the end of the session, on our way back to the cars, I repeat what Evelyn told me, over and over. A family’s bond is unbreakable. Your family is your security. Family is forever. She’s right. If we don’t start looking out for each other, my family will crumble. And there will be no more pieces to pick up and put back together.
Twenty-Four
“I never thanked you,” I say. Lucas is sitting at my desk, finishing up some of his math homework.
“For what?” He asks, not even looking up from his work.
“For saving my life.”
&nbs
p; Lucas stops what he’s doing to stare at me.
“When people were tearing me down, and kicking me while I was already down, you were always there to pick me back up,” I explain. “When I felt like I was all alone, you stood by me anyways. I’m lucky to have someone like you in my life,” I continue. “So, thank you. For always being there for me.”
“That’s what a friend is supposed to be,” Lucas says, shrugging. “Someone to help you stay afloat-your anchor.”
“Yeah, but you were more than that,” I say. “You weren’t just my anchor; you were the whole damn boat.”
Lucas looks back down at his homework, but doesn’t say anything.
“And when I wanted to die,” I begin again. “When I had a gun to my head, you were by my side within minutes. You could have gotten hurt!” I exclaim.
“I wouldn’t have gotten hurt,” Lucas says, shaking his head.
“Yes, you could have,” I argue. “You tackled me to the floor right as the gun went off. I could have shot you. But you did it anyways, you protected me anyways; you risked your life for me, anyways.”
Lucas sighs but he doesn’t say anything. I guess he doesn’t know what to say about the situation.
“I’ve never had a friend like you,” I say, trying to fill the silence. “I’ve never had anyone care about me the way you have. So, thank you... For being my best friend.”
“I mean it hasn’t been easy, let me tell ya,” Lucas says, with a small smile.
“But it’s not just a one-way street,” he continues. “You are my best friend, too, Kalani. I don’t just protect you. We protect each other.”
“You’re right,” I say, nodding. “That’s what best friends are for.”
We both smile at each other, and then Lucas returns his attention back to his math homework, and I return my attention back to my English homework.
A silence falls over us, but it’s not awkward. If anything, it’s calming. And I’m glad that
I’ve had the opportunity to know someone the way I’ve known Lucas.
Not many people get the chance to understand someone, the way we know each other, in a lifetime. But I’ve gotten the chance to understand Lucas in less than half of that. He’s my best friend. I’m lucky to have him.
* * *
“Kalani!” My dad is calling me from somewhere, but I can’t tell where.
“Kalani!” I hear again, this time louder. Then my dad appears in the doorway of my bedroom.
“You wanna go for a ride?” My dad asks, somewhat playfully. This is odd; For a while my dad has been nothing but serious. He hasn’t wanted to do anything that even remotely touches the subject of ‘fun’.
“I can’t,” I begin. “I have group therapy today.”
“I called Evelyn and asked if you could take a day off from group therapy,” my dad says. “And she said yes.”
I can’t help but hesitate. The truth is, group therapy has been growing on me. I don’t love talking to people about my personal life, but it has been helping me to open up about what I’m feeling.
Not to mention it’s given me the opportunity to understand other peoples’ stories, and different points of views. Do I want to miss that?
“Oh, come on. Take a day off. Come spend some time with your family.” He says.
The idea of spending time with each other is what gets me.
“Fine,” I say with a smile. I stand from my place at my desk and follow my dad down the hallway.
At the main entrance of the house, Caden and Skylar sit on the floor, strapping their shoes
to their feet.
“Hurry,” my mom says, standing just outside of the house. “Mia and Amelia are already in the car!”
Caden and Skylar hurry out the door, so my dad and I follow. Mia and Amelia are already sitting in my mom’s car. Caden and Skylar follow my dad over to his car, so I decide to ride with Mia and Amelia.
“Where are we going?” I ask, buckling myself in.
“It’s a surprise,” my mom says. She looks at me through the rearview mirror and smiles.
Then she starts the engine and backs out of the driveway.
The car ride is filled with conversation. Amelia had a story to share about an essay she had to write for her college English class. The topic of the essay was simple: what was the scariest moment you’ve faced in your life.
“I wrote about you, Kalani,” she explains. “I figured, if people knew more about depression and suicidal thoughts, then maybe they would be able to prevent something serious from happening in the future.”
“What did you say about her in your essay?” Mia asks.
“I said that I almost lost one of my best friends,” Amelia says. “Then I talked about how important it was to have each other’s backs, because we’re a family. Just like Evelyn taught us.”
For a moment I can’t say anything, but not because I’m shocked, or embarrassed. I’m happy.
“I think that was a good thing to do,” I say.
“Really?” Amelia asks, unsure of herself.
“I think you’re right,” I explain. “I think that if people paid more attention to the warning signs, then maybe not so many people would be affected by depression, the way I was. We can’t just look out for ourselves,” I continue. “We have to look out for other people, too.”
My mom smiles, but she doesn’t say anything.
The rest of the car ride is silent, maybe because we’re all thinking about the conversation. I guess I didn’t believe it until I said it: We have to look out for other people, too. Because you never know when someone might need you the most.
* * *
“Who’s ready for some hiking?!” My dad exclaims, slamming his car door shut. We drove up to the mountains, but right now we’re sort of in the middle of nowhere.
“I am!” Skylar shouts.
It’s warm outside today. The sky is its normal baby blue color, and not one cloud appears to be in sight.
“Let’s get started then,” my dad says. Skylar grabs his hand, and they both start walking towards a single trail that leads straight into the forest.
Caden follows my dad. He’s then followed by Mia and Amelia. My mom and I take up the rear of the group. We walk for what feels like hours, and all the while I’ve tripped over nothing at least four times, and have been eaten alive by mosquitos.
“Why didn’t anyone pack bug spray?” I ask, irritated.
“I didn’t think we’d need it,” my mom says, shrugging. “Besides, you could have packed bug spray.”
“I would’ve if you guys had told me we were going for a hike,” I retort. “But no, it had to be a surprise.”
My mom laughs a little, nudging me with her hand. We fall silent after that, walking and breathing in unison; Breath in, hold, breath out. Breath in, hold, breath out.
After what feels like an eternity, my dad stops.
“Why are we stopping?” I ask, confused. It’s not like we reached a dead end.
“We’re here,” my dad says, simply. He continues walking a few more feet, and then I see it. The forest opens up, revealing a lake with crystal clear water, and vibrant green grass.
It’s the lake my dad and I used to visit when I was younger. I haven’t been up here in four years, but it feels like a lifetime ago.
“Look familiar, Kalani?” My dad asks, but I can’t speak; I’m too excited to say anything.
“You told me that you missed coming up here,” he explains. “And I promised you that I would bring you back here someday. That day is today.”
Caden and Skylar break into a full-on sprint until they reach the lake. Mia and Amelia follow in a much more mellow manner.
“Come on, honey,” my mom says, looping her arm with mine. “Let’s go.”
My parents and I head over to the water, where Caden and Skylar ran off to.
“They’re so pretty,” Skylar says, pointing to the stones at the bottom of the lake. Without saying anything, Ca
den kicks off his shoes and races into the water.
I half expect someone to start screaming at Caden, to tell him to get out of the water, but nobody does. Instead, my mom and dad both kick off their shoes and follow Caden. I guess everybody got the memo about lake swimming-except for me.
Mia and Amelia both pull their shirts up over their head, and toss them to the side. Then,
Mia grabs Skylar’s hand and pulls her towards the water.
“Come on, Kalani!” Amelia shouts. She’s already waist deep.
I hesitate for a moment, but I’m not sure why. I’ve been wanting to come visit this lake for the last four years. So why am I hesitating? I can’t think of an excuse. Reluctantly, I pull my shoes off of my feet and set them down with my cell phone.
Finally, I sprint towards the water until I can’t touch the bottom anymore. We spend hours playing in the water, splashing each other, racing to see who could swim the fastest, and just laughing together. Once we’re all watered out, we decide to sit on the bench that my dad and I used to sit at.
We sit there peacefully, watching the water, not having to say anything. We stay to watch the sun set, only to be replaced by a dark blanket and twinkling stars. When you’re far away from all of the city lights and noise, you realize how blissfully peaceful nature can be. The stars are brighter tonight, and the quiet seems to calm me.
And I realize that if the rest of my life could be like this-a day in the water with my family, laughing until my stomach hurts, a calming sunset-then maybe I could live this life. Maybe it will get better. Maybe I just have to let it.
Twenty-Five
My alarm goes off at 8:00 in the morning. It’s Saturday; May 30th, and for a moment I can’t remember why I’m up so early, but then it hits me. I jump out of bed not even trying to hide my excitement. I picked my outfit out last night, so it’s already sitting on the chair at my desk, waiting happily to be worn. The dress I’ll be wearing today is plain white, and falls just above my knees. This particular dress has a V-neck in the front, and a low back.
It’s been almost an entire month since we visited the lake up in the mountains, and since then I’ve been able to earn back all of my parents’ trust. My mom gave me back my curling iron. I decide to style my hair half-up, half-down. I let the bottom half of my hair fall down just past my shoulders in loose curls, while the top half of my hair is in a high ponytail-also curled.
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