by Alexa Davis
I slumped back in my chair and rubbed my forehead hard. “So, what should I do? What would you do in my position?” The stress was etched into my features, showing in the dark shadows under my eyes, and it seemed that Michael could see that as he answered.
“I’d go over to her house and check up on her. You don’t know what’s going on in her life. She might not be ignoring you. There might be some reason. Sitting around here isn’t going to get you any answers.”
“Okay.” I nodded firmly. He was probably right. I was being silly keeping away from her and getting my brain all tied up in knots. I just needed to take the bull by the horns. Lila was worth it. “Okay, yeah, as soon as we’re done, I’ll go over there.”
“Don’t worry about it.” He grinned. “Go now, I can cover here. It isn’t like we have a lot on today, anyway.”
“Are you sure?” He was being too kind now. It made me feel bad for all the days I’d spent not fixing our friendship.
“Will you just go already? I have a feeling that this woman could be the one, and I don’t want you screwing up just because you’re acting like a pussy. Man the fuck up and get out there, all right?”
I laughed loudly, glad to hear that at least he was treating me the same way as he always did. “Okay, I’ll see you later. Thank you.”
As I walked outside, I had a big smile on my face, which only faltered as I stepped into the car to go to Lila’s home. Michael was right. There had to be some reason that she was ignoring me, and it was freaking me out. This had to be something more than just her growing bored of me.
***
I slammed my foot onto the brakes and jumped out of the car, my heart hammering in my chest. The whole way over, I’d gotten increasingly freaked out, my brain concocting worse and worse images with each passing second. On the one hand, I just wanted to know, but on the other, maybe ignorance was bliss.
“Oh, hey.” Kyle’s voice broke through my shock barrier, making me realize that I was standing still, staring up at the apartment like a crazed lunatic. “You okay, Xander?”
“Yeah.” My voice was shaking as I spoke. I clamped my sweaty palms together as I sucked in what I hoped would be a calming breath. “I just wanted to know where Lila is. I haven’t heard from you in a while, and we were supposed to have that meeting today.”
Kyle’s whole face dropped as he laid the bags in his hand on the ground beneath his feet. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry. I totally forgot, what with everything going on at the hospital. I don’t think I’ve changed my cell phone in ages, either. I’ll make it up to you.”
“Wait.” I held my hands up to stop him talking, my mind only zoning in on the one word. Hospital. That had to be bad news. What the hell was going on here? “Wait, what do you mean, hospital? What’s going on?”
“Oh, my God.” A pale, green color overtook his whole face. “Did Lila not tell you? I thought she called you. Oh, my God...”
“What is it?” My tone was demanding now. I needed to know, and the sooner the better.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t want you to find out this way. This is bad.” He stepped closer to me and reached out to hold my arm. “It turns out the cough Lila’s been suffering from is throat cancer.”
Cancer?
I could barely feel the ground beneath my feet anymore. My brain was spinning, a dizziness filling my stomach. “H... how?”
“Well, I don’t know. Luckily, she’s caught it pretty quickly, so it seems like it’s going to be treatable.”
“Oh, my God, why didn’t she tell me? How long has she been in there? How is she even paying for all of it? I have to go. I need to get there now.” I was babbling now, probably looking like a total idiot in front of Kyle, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t even think straight.
“I think you need to speak to Lila about all of this,” he agreed slowly. “I mean, she’s gonna kill me for telling you if she didn’t want you to know, but it’s only fair. I can’t answer any of those questions as well as she can.”
“Are you headed there now? Let me take you. There’s no point in us going separately.”
“Oh, right, thanks.”
He seemed unsure, so I grabbed the bags from the sidewalk and threw them into the car. He was probably just nervous because he was scared of how Lila would react, but none of us had any time for that. Lila was sick, and I needed to be by her side, no matter what. This was no time for pride.
As Kyle slid quietly into the passenger’s seat, I dove in, too, and started driving toward the hospital. This was awful. The one awful scenario so bad I hadn’t even allowed myself to think it. I couldn’t believe that all this time the woman I was falling for, the woman I was pretty sure I loved fiercely, was lying in the hospital.
I wanted to ask Kyle how bad she looked, how sick she felt, what the doctors had said to her... But I was too scared of what his answer would be. He’d already said that they’d caught it pretty early, making it treatable, and I didn’t want that image taken away from me.
If I lost Lila now, if something bad happened to her, I wasn’t sure I could cope. I feared that might just kill me, too.
***
“Okay, so this is her room,” Kyle whispered, gesturing toward the nearest door. “I’m going to pop into the café to grab a coffee, give you two some time to talk.”
“Thanks.”
I watched him quickly stalking off, probably trying to escape the aftermath of telling me the information that for some reason Lila wanted to keep secret. Then I stared at the door for a while, gasping a little to myself with terror racing through my veins. I wanted to get in there – I needed to get inside – but at the same time, I was utterly petrified.
Just do this. Just get inside, Lila needs you.
I was terrified, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, but I worked up the strength to push open the door separating us. My heart hammered loudly, there was a loud buzzing in my ears, and I had a thick lump in my throat.
“Oh, my God, Xander. What are you doing here?”
As Lila turned to stare at me and she seemed to go into shock, a warm sense of relief flooded me. At least she wasn’t pinned to the bed with tubes sticking out of every orifice. She had one IV drip, but she could still move around. Maybe her face was pale and a little sickly, but she didn’t look anywhere near as ill as I’d been expecting.
She didn’t look like she was at death’s door, at any rate.
“What’s going on?” Tears welled up in my eyes, and I moved closer to her while reaching out for a hug. “I bumped into Kyle; he didn’t mean to tell me. I forced him to.”
Lila held out her palms in front of her, stopping me in my tracks. “He never should’ve done that; I didn’t want you to find out.”
“Why not? You know I would’ve been there for you! I want to help you in any way I can.”
“And that’s why I didn’t tell you.” She fell onto the bed behind her, her expression filled with utter sadness. “I knew you’d want to be there for me, but that isn’t what I want. I know what I’m about to go through here, and I don’t want you to have to suffer through it, too.”
“I wouldn’t be suffering. I want to be here,” I insisted, sliding closer to her. I was pleading through my eyes, trying desperately to make her see how much I meant it. Now that I knew what was going on with Lila, all I wanted to do was take action.
“But I don’t want you here.” She turned her face away from mine, refusing to see me anymore. She was blocking me out for a reason, and I had the horrible feeling that she was going to make me respect that.
“I want to just deal with this by myself. I need to focus on me right now. I don’t want to be worrying about how you’re feeling, what you’re doing, if you’re getting bored...”
“But it wouldn’t be like that.”
“Yes, yes, it would. Maybe not at first, but it would get to that point.” I could see her eyes welling up. This was getting to her, but she wasn’t going to meet my gaze. “I don
’t want you here. I think it’s best that you just go.”
I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want a fight, either. I stood up slowly and moved toward the door, waiting for her to beg me to stay... but she didn’t. She remained firm, standing by her words. As I moved out into the hallway, Kyle was standing there waiting. I gave him one quick shake of the head so he’d know how badly it went.
Chapter 32 – Lila (Wednesday)
I could feel Kyle’s desperation to talk emanating off him in waves, but he wasn’t about to make the first move. He wanted me to bring it up first, and there wasn’t a chance in hell of that.
I’d made my decision, and that was the end of it. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I needed for me, and that was that. There wasn’t anything he could say to make me change my mind. He could sit in that chair, giving me that look for as long as he wanted, and it wouldn’t change a thing.
I mean, did he think that I liked sending Xander away? Did he assume that I wanted to end the best relationship of my whole damn life like that?
I felt like I was falling in love with Xander. If things were different, we could’ve ended up together forever, but then this got in the way and changed everything. I couldn’t ask him to stick with me through cancer treatments. That wasn’t fair. I was doing the right thing for him, as much as myself.
Okay, so it hurt like hell, but it was done now. There was no turning back. I’d asked Xander to leave, he’d gone, and I hadn’t heard anything since.
“So, have we had any bills come through since I’ve been locked away in here?” I asked lamely. I just needed some sort of conversation to kick off, to stop this awful tension from floating through the air. “Anything I need to worry about?”
“I can cope on my own, you know? Now that we actually have money in the bank, I can figure it all out alone. Yes, we’ve had some bills, but I’ve paid them.” He shot me a look under his eyelashes. “You shouldn’t be worrying about stuff like that, not while you’re in here. Just trust me, okay?”
“I do trust you.” I sat up straighter, wincing as pain burst into my chest. It wasn’t as bad as it had been when I first got to the hospital, but I was definitely still fragile. “It isn’t that. You just know that I’ve been taking care of things for so long. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of the control.”
“Lila, you aren’t going to be living with me forever. There will be a time when you live somewhere else, and me, too. You need to know that I can cope with things, all right? I know you worry a lot, and I understand that’s because we’ve always only ever had each other, but I’m okay.” He held my hand in his and smiled brightly at me. “I’m just as much of an adult as you.”
I felt a wide range of emotions welling up in my chest at that moment, and I started to see Kyle as a man. It wasn’t like I ever mothered him as such, but maybe I did take too much care of him, maybe I always assumed the responsibility fell on me without even recognizing it.
He was right. He could cope with life. I needed to let him take responsibility for himself. One day, we would live apart. That was becoming increasingly obvious with everything that had happened recently.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to worry.” My eyes welled up as a mix of pride and sadness overcame me. I’d never wanted to be apart from Kyle as a child, and I couldn’t see that ever happening as an adult, either. “I guess I just can’t help myself.”
“Sis, I will always appreciate everything that you’ve done for us. You kept us afloat when it seemed impossible; there was no way I could’ve done that. But for now, I just want you to worry about getting better.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, pulling him in for a hug. “You have to be the best brother ever.”
Before I could say anymore, before I could get emotional, the door swung open and in stepped the doctor. Kyle immediately stepped backward and stood up straighter, as if he was expecting the worst. I wasn’t sure why. To be honest, after the initial diagnosis, things had been pretty good. I still had the cancer, but the medication I was on seemed to be impacting on that in a positive way.
I was seeing the up side anyway, just to stop myself from falling apart.
“Hello there, Lila.” The doctor smiled at me. “How are you feeling today?”
“Not bad, thank you.” Okay, I was seeing the positive, but there was still a little edge to my tone. “Is... everything okay?”
“Actually...” She flipped open the chart and examined it closely. “Things are good. We’re pleased with your progress, and your body is responding very well to the treatment. So…” Her eyes flicked up to meet mine. “I think that we can discharge you today. You’ll still have to come in for regular outpatient appointments so we can keep track of things, but on the whole, there isn’t any point in us keeping you any longer.”
“Oh, my God, really?” I gasped excitedly. The thought of going home was so appealing. After being stuck in this boring, white room forever, all I desired was to be among my home comforts. “That’s amazing news, thank you.”
“I’ll have to get the discharge forms filled in and signed off by another doctor, but yes. I can’t see any reason for you to stay.”
I glanced at Kyle happily, immediately feeling a whole lot better. The power of the word “home” was overwhelming. At this rate, I’d be back up on my feet in no time!
“Now, there’s just the matter of the bill...” She glanced down at her notes, and my heart raced like crazy. I’d been here for ages – there was no way that this would be affordable. Even with our newfound fortune, there wasn’t a hope in hell we’d be able to pay it off. Maybe with some sort of payment plan...
“Oh, no, don’t worry, it’s already been covered. Now, I’ll be back to see you in a while.”
Paid off? What the hell? I glanced over to where Kyle was standing, just to find him looking as confused as I felt. If he hadn’t paid this off, then who could it be?
Of course. There was only one person who could have done this. I knew that. I just didn’t know how to feel about it.
***
“Well, that took hours!” I exclaimed as we finally made it through the door to our apartment. “But I’m so glad to be home.”
“Just don’t forget what the doctor told you before you left,” Kyle warned, his protective side shining back through. “Take it easy. You haven’t come back home to fall right back into life and the way you acted before. You need to rest up, drink lots of water, take all of your meds at the right time...”
“I know, I know,” I chuckled as I fell back onto the couch. “I’ll do whatever I can not to end up back there. It was awful.”
Kyle moved into the kitchen, and I could hear him flick the coffee on. “So…” His tone was overly innocent, which made me sit up straighter in my seat. He was about to say something that I wasn’t going to like, I just knew it. “That was pretty crazy, huh? Your bill being paid off. I wonder who did that?”
I rolled my eyes and sighed deeply. He knew as well as I did who that was. This was just his way of bringing up the topic I was trying so hard to avoid. It was time to tackle it though; there was no holding back anymore.
“We both know it was Xander,” I told him warningly. “But that doesn’t change anything. I’ll pay him back when I can.”
“But don’t you think that was nice of him?” Something about Kyle’s patronizing tone of voice wound me up. This was my life, my choice, I didn’t need all these guys telling me what to do.
“I didn’t ask him to. I didn’t want him to pay for any of it.” I was being snippy now, but I couldn’t help it. I was pissed!
Kyle brought me a coffee and sat on the chair opposite me, smiling a little sadly at me. “I know you didn’t, but I think that Xander just wanted to help out. He cares about you, you know that. He cares about you so much.”
“That doesn’t mean I have to take him through this awkward time with me.” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
“Even if he wants to?” Kyle looked incredulous now,
like he didn’t get me at all. “If I’m honest, I think what you did was wrong. I don’t think you should’ve sent him away. You made him leave, and now look... you aren’t even in the hospital anymore.”
“No, but I still have to have treatment. This isn’t over.” I moved myself into an upright position, my temper flaring. Maybe Kyle wasn’t meaning to hurt me and make me mad, but I felt that way all the same. “This is my choice. I have to do what’s right for me.”
“I don’t mean to upset you...” Kyle called out behind me, but it was too late. I was already making my way into my bedroom where I could stew in peace.
As I slammed the door behind me, my blood was still boiling, frustration tearing through my system. It hadn’t been an easy decision to make with Xander, and I didn’t need it questioned. Just because Kyle thought that he understood, didn’t make it true. I had to do it. I needed to make the tough decision – one of us had to. Maybe I’d end up regretting it... In fact, I already felt that way. But I still had to stick to it.
I paced the room for a while, just trying to cool myself down before I did something stupid. While I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about that damn bill.
Xander knew that we were struggling, but it still didn’t feel like a charity gesture from him. I was familiar enough with him now to know that he wouldn’t do it because he felt sorry for us. He was just doing what he thought was right, what he assumed I needed. And, he did all that after I told him to leave.
I was grateful and confused all at once. I didn’t know what to do. Even as I picked up my cell phone and considered calling him to say thank you, I couldn’t quite do it. If I called him, if I opened up that line of communication again, then I risked him coming over here.