by Alexa Davis
Peggy Baker was an incredibly sick woman, and I was going to have to be the one to deliver that news to her.
I’d tried to contact the last doctor she’d been to see to see what they had for me, but I still hadn’t had a reply yet, and the time was nearing. She was going to be there at any moment, probably with Ashlee in tow, and I was going to devastate them both.
This was the worst thing I’d ever had to do.
As I looked down, I noticed my palms were sweaty and my hands were literally shaking with fear over how terrible this was going to be. It was silly, really; I gave out bad news all the time. But this was to someone I knew, someone I cared a lot about, someone that I really didn’t want to hurt.
Knock, knock.
There was that light tap on the door again, the one that I was sure belonged to Terri, which only made me feel about a million times worse. I couldn't stand the thought of her and Ashlee being in the same town, never mind building; it was going to be a weird mix of the two, different lives that I’d segregated in my mind, and I wasn't sure that my brain would be able to handle it. I feared my head was going to explode.
“Matthew?” Terri questioned, leaning in to look at me. “Are you okay? I haven’t seen you all morning.”
“I’m fine,” I snapped back quickly, not wanting to get into this with her. I averted my gaze away from hers, fixing it on the floor beneath me. I didn’t want her to see any sort of pain in my eyes because I thought that she might grip onto it and question me until I went insane.
“Okay, well, I just wanted to let you know that Mrs. Baker is in room one.” When I didn’t respond to this other than a simple nod, Terri leapt in with something else, desperate to get something from me. “She has some pretty face with her,” she continued cattily.
I felt my shoulders flinch ever so slightly at this, but I did my best to keep that minimal. Terri knew about my reputation; she might not have when we first got together, but she did now. I was sure that she wasn’t keen on the fact that I occasionally hooked up with other women, too, but we weren’t exclusive, we never had been, so there wasn't a damn thing she could say. However, she did always make these sorts of comments whenever she felt threatened, wanting some sort reassurance from me, and I had no intention of ever giving it.
I sure as hell wouldn’t care if I ever found out she was screwing around with other guys. In fact, she probably was and I just didn’t know about it.
“Right, okay,” I replied coldly. “Well, I’ll be there in a moment, okay?”
I started to write something down, nothing in particular, just trying to look like I was busy until she left the room. Luckily, it didn’t take long for her to get the hint and go, and the moment she clicked that door shut behind her, I dropped my pen and sighed deeply. This was going to suck, but I couldn't put it off any longer. Sitting there, stewing on it wasn't going to make the problem go away. In fact, the sooner we got on with this, the sooner it was all out in the open, the better chance we would all have at fighting this.
Just do this, I tried to warn myself. And remember that this is about Peggy. Seeing Ashlee is just a small part of it. Try not to worry too much about that.
I stood up and grabbed hold of the paperwork I needed before heading into the dreaded unknown. As I stood in front of that door, the one with the large number one on it, I took just a couple of seconds to steel myself.
All that happened was ten years ago, I tried to remind myself. Things might be totally different now. Ashlee might have forgotten about everything; she probably has a brand new life, anyway. A career, a husband, a child...
Then again, would she have up and left everything so easily if she had all those responsibilities? And why the hell did I care, anyway?
A decade had gone past; I really should have moved on by now. I should be in that sort of place in my own life, not worrying about what my ex was up to, even if she was the one who got away...
As I pushed that door open, my breath caught in my throat and my heart literally skipped a beat. There she was, looking as amazing as ever, and it was instantly as if I’d gone back all those years and I was a teen hopelessly in love all over again.
That wavy hair, those beautiful eyes, her sexy body: she was exactly the same. Of course, there were a lot of differences in her, too, just as there was in me. We were both older. But it was safe to say that time had been kind to her. If anything, she looked even better.
Why the hell did I let this one go?
My mind zipped into the past for a few seconds, just remembering how good things had been. After that first kiss, we quickly became an official couple. At first, we tried to hide it from everyone, just until we figured out what we meant to one another, but it was too obvious to the rest of the world, and soon enough, everyone knew. I guess we just couldn't keep our hands off one another, even though we’d been friends for so long. I had half expected things to be strange if we ever took that leap from best friends to couple, but surprisingly, it was as natural as breathing.
Where the air had been easygoing and breezy between us before, it became constantly charged with a sizzling electricity, and I loved how wonderful that felt. It became obvious to us both how long we’d been resisting temptation, and I honestly believed that the wait would be worth it. That now that we’d given in, everything would be fine, and that would carry us through forever.
I assumed that Ashlee would be my wife, that we would live happily ever after, but I suppose everyone feels the same when they’re in the honeymoon phase. It was when that started to fade and real life kicked in that the problems began...
“Nice to see you again, Mrs. Baker, and, erm...Ashlee,” I wasn't sure if I should say that, if I should admit to knowing her just yet, but I quickly realized that there was no point in pretending. We had spent far too much of our lives meaning everything to one another for that.
So, I did the next worst thing, and I pulled her in for a very awkward hug.
It was going horribly. I needed to focus on what we were there for.
“So, I have your test results, Mrs. Baker,” I told her as a tight knot of fear gripped onto my heart. I couldn't even look at Ashlee again, not without falling apart. Why did she have to look so heartbreakingly beautiful? Why did she have to remind me of what an idiot I was all over again?
“And, I have to tell you that things aren’t great. I’m not sure what you learned at your previous doctor’s office – I haven’t managed to get hold of him to find out as much – but your cancer is currently in stage three, on the verge of progressing into stage four. It’s at risk of spreading even further now, so we need to act quickly.” I tried to keep my tone professional, but I could hear an apologetic overtone there.
Peggy nodded acceptingly at this as if she’d known about it all along, whereas Ashlee’s reaction was something very different.
“What the hell, Mom?” she gasped out in shock, gripping tightly onto Peggy’s shoulders. “You didn’t tell me it was that bad!”
My heart bled for her a little, and I had to hang my head to stop them from seeing the tears filling my eyes. Ashlee had already been through enough, losing one of her parents at such a young, difficult age, and now she was learning that she possibly might lose the other. I knew from my time of being a doctor that news didn’t get any easier, however old you were.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Peggy grinned up at her daughter. “It’ll be fine, you know me. I’m a fighter.” She patted her daughter’s hand, but I could tell Ashlee wasn't about to be reassured. “What treatment options do I have?”
“Well, I won’t bombard you with every detail about all the treatment options,” I told her, knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle it myself. “Because it can be a little overwhelming. I’ll give you some information packets for you to read through, then you can come back to me later in the week, say Thursday, then you can ask any questions you have and we can talk about your decision.” She nodded at this, which gave me permission to carry on. “I think for n
ow, we should see each other twice a week so I can keep an eye on things, okay?”
“Sure,” Peggy nodded quite serenely at me. “Thank you, Matthew. I do appreciate it.”
As she left the room, and I saw her daughter moving to go, too, a strange sensation crept through my body, one that told me I couldn't just let her go like that. Sure, we hadn’t seen one another in a very long time, and yes, we’d left things in a bad place back then, but surely we could both see through Peggy that life was too short to hold on to things.
“Ashlee?” I asked quietly. “Would you maybe like to come to dinner with me tonight? For...for a catch up? We could go to Rally’s if you’d like?”
Rally’s was a diner we used to hang out at when we were teens, drinking a milkshake, eating fries, and gossiping about life. It belonged to a new family now and had a different name, but it would always be Rally’s. I hoped the mention of something that we’d shared would bring back that misty-eyed nostalgia to her, too. I prayed that she would focus on the good, rather than the bad, but it didn’t seem like I was going to be that lucky...
“No thank you,” she shot me down coldly. “I have too much to do at the moment for that.”
With that, she breezed from the room, leaving me cringing inside. I should not have asked her that after delivering such devastating news. That was heartless and unprofessional of me, not to mention idiotic.
That stern look she gave me as she was turning me down also brought back our very last conversation to my mind – the one where she screamed at me and told me she never wanted to see me again, and I remained silent because I knew I deserved it.
Of course, she didn’t want to spend time with me now. Why the hell would she? And why had I been arrogant enough to assume I had earned it?
Chapter Eight
Ashlee
Monday, After The Appointment
I couldn't stand to go in the house, not with this new information swirling through my mind. I mean, I knew Mom was sick, but I had no idea it was this bad.
Stage-four cancer sounded so...terminal. What the hell was I supposed to do about that? I couldn't survive without my mother; I couldn't cope if she died. She was all that I had left, she was the only family I had. What would I do if I ended up totally alone in the world?
I didn’t mean to go down such a morose train of thought, but I couldn't help remembering how bad things had been when my dad died. That was different in that it happened suddenly, none of us were expecting it, but I was sure that the aftereffects would be the same.
Mom had barely coped with losing Dad, and I knew for a fact that was the reason she’d left as soon as I did, but I didn’t think I would be able to do that. I’d already run away once, all the way across the country to New York, and I’d just given that life up to come back here. I didn’t know if I could handle another escape.
Then again, would I be able to stay if my mom wasn't around anymore? It didn’t bear thinking about.
I heard a car pulling up into the driveway and I flicked my eyes up in shock, wondering who it might be. After that totally bizarre, and, quite frankly, inappropriate moment in Matthew’s office earlier, I had the horrible feeling that it was going to be him... But luckily, it was the one person I could tolerate at that moment: Kerri.
Ever since we’d seen one another again, it was as if our years apart had been literally nothing. We’d simply slipped back into our friendship so well that it made me regret ever letting her go.
When I ran out on Florence, I’d wanted to cut ties with literally everything to give me the fresh start that I so desperately needed, but now I could see how stupid that was. Kerri was an amazing person, and if she’d always been in my life, maybe I wouldn’t have been feeling the insane mess I was.
“Hey,” she smiled sadly at me, pulling herself out of the car, showing me that she already knew some of what was going on. “Your mom called me. She told me you were feeling sad.”
Just as I was about to launch into my whole tirade about everything that was going on, unloading all my emotions, she moved across to the other side of the car and unhooked her son.
“Oh, this must be Grant!” I exclaimed in shock. “It’s really nice to meet you, little man.”
We had a little play for a while, and I was surprised to see how well I got along with him. I had loved kids and wanted a family of my own, but I’d never been around any children to know that I would be any good at it. All my friends in New York were dedicated career women who didn’t have any time for nonsense like being pregnant.
“He’s a great kid,” I told my friend honestly. “You’ve done a really great job with him.”
“Thank you.” She smiled that motherly smile at her son; the sort that was filled with such a pure and unconditional love that it made my heart melt. That was what I wanted for myself: love, a family, a future. In New York, I’d been wholly focused on just getting by, so I hadn’t allowed that sort of stuff to fill my mind, even for a second. “It hasn’t always been easy, doing it by myself, but I think we do okay.”
The question was there, hanging in the air, about who Grant’s father was, but since she seemed reluctant to tell me before, I could only assume she genuinely didn’t know. Either that or it was someone embarrassing, someone I knew. In this town, where people didn’t tend to leave, that could have been anyone we went to school with.
As Grant played with a ball in the yard, Kerri turned to look at me with concern in her eyes. “So, your mom mentioned she got some bad news today.”
I sighed deeply before telling Kerri all about it. Having that little time out to play with Grant was good because it took my mind off things for a moment, but now, delving back into it was almost even more painful.
“It seems like her cancer is really bad, almost at stage four, and at risk of spreading.” My heart fell a little as I had to say those words aloud; it almost made it more real somehow. “I mean, the doctor gave us all these pamphlets filled with treatment options that I think might help, but it’s almost as if she’s resigned to her fate. I can’t help but feel like she’s just...giving up.” Tears threatened to fall, but there was a block in the way, as if a numbness had set in with the goal of protecting my heart a little.
“That doesn’t sound like the Peggy Baker I know and love,” Kerri joked, obviously trying to make me feel a little better. “She’s a fighter, your mom. I can’t see her just giving up like that.”
“I think she’s accepting her fate because of money,” I confided quietly in her. “I think she’s afraid because she doesn’t feel like she can afford it. I mean, that’s why she came back here – because the treatment was so expensive before. I guess the doctor here is doing it for a better price.” I still couldn't stand to say his name; it made me feel a little sick. “I wish that I could help her, but I just don’t have anything. In New York, I was making just enough to get by because it’s such an expensive city, and I don’t even have a job here yet. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”
Kerri put her arms around me, pulling me in for a comforting hug, and for a moment, I simply fell into her embrace, allowing her to at least attempt to reassure me. “You’re putting too much pressure on yourself,” she insisted. “I know you want to help, but you have to remember that your mom is a grown woman who can make her own decisions.”
I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but the result was actually worse. How could I just step aside and let her die? How could I just accept that was what she wanted to do and just be okay with that? This affected me, too; I would be the one left behind with my life in tatters, so didn’t I get a say? Or was that just me being selfish?
“Maybe we should get out for a bit tonight,” Kerri continued. “I could get a babysitter for Grant and we could head out to the bar for a few drinks. You look like you could use a time out, a bit of space to blow off some steam.”
“But Mom-” I started, indicating towards the house.
“Your mom will be just fine without yo
u for a few hours,” she jumped in firmly. “I insist.”
“Okay,” I finally conceded, seeing no way out. “Sounds good.”
*****
It was strange heading to the local bar because before I left Florence, I was much too young to drink alcohol. I’d been in through the doors before, and at the time I thought it was the epitome of awesome, but now with wiser eyes, I could see that it was a simple, family-run bar with a cozy atmosphere. Compared to the cool, swish bars I was used to in New York, it was kind of dull... But I liked that. It made me feel more at home.
“Are we too overdressed?” I hissed at my friend, glancing down at our dresses dubiously. When we headed up to my wardrobe to find something to wear, Kerri had instantly pulled out a couple of my fanciest, knee-length dresses, begging to borrow one, which of course I agreed to. It had all been a good laugh back at my house, with mom egging us on to go out and have a good time, but now I felt silly now that we were out there. I was in a black, sweetheart-neckline number, and Kerri was wearing my bright-red skater dress, and we looked totally out of place.
“Of course not,” she laughed. “Well...maybe, but I don't care. I’m a mom now; I never get to go out anymore. I want to make the most of it.”
I attempted to adopt her carefree attitude, but I couldn't seem to quite find it, however hard I tried, so instead, I slunk behind her up to the bar, where I listened to her order us a couple of glasses of white wine. Maybe I would feel a little better with a bit of booze in my system.
Out of a need for something to do as Kerri flirted with the bartender, I allowed my eyes to scan over the bar, just to see if there was anyone else there I might remember. I tried to recall another face I’d like to see, but honestly, there wasn't anyone. Everyone else had been ships, merely passing through my life, I didn’t think there was any reason to reconnect with them. None of them would ever be as important to me as Kerri.
And then my eyes found him, sitting in the corner of the bar with another guy, a pint sitting in front of him, and a pale shock to his face as he stared back at me, too. Crazy bolts powered through me, rendering me frozen to the spot, simply staring at him like a mental person.