by Alexa Davis
Her face went through a whole range of emotions before she seemed to settle on a weird sort of acceptance – one that mixed an intense need for revenge in her eyes. I didn’t want to know what she had in store for me; all I wanted was for her to go. I wanted my biggest mistake to be gone forever so that I could try and make things up with up with Ashlee.
“You’ll be sorry,” she told me sinisterly. “If you ever come forward for that money, I think that the press will be very interested in what I have to tell them.”
God, even the thought of the stories that Terri could come up with filled me with dread. But I couldn't let that derail me; there was no way that we could be around one another again. That was one step too far – this needed to end.
Then, much to my relief, she grabbed all her stuff and walked off. As the door clattered behind her, I let out a deep breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding before moving on to my next issue.
I needed to get to Ashlee right away and talk to her about this very uncomfortable topic. I didn’t like the idea of her finding out the ugly side of me that came out as she moved away, but I knew that if we were ever going to have to have a chance at a future, I was going to have to lay myself bare. I wouldn’t be able to hide away any of who I was, wanting make myself look better. I would simply have to tell her everything to get the clean slate I so desperately needed.
It wasn't going to be a nice conversation to have, but it had to be done sooner or later, and Terri had just forced my hand.
I whizzed the car over to Ashlee’s home, all the time trying desperately to work out how to word this in the best way, but my brain was coming up with nothing. Instead, it just kept reminding me of that night again. Hopefully this time it would lead to a better result.
My heart hammered as I waited impatiently for someone to answer my knock on the door. I hopped from foot to foot, internally cursing Terri all over again. This shouldn’t be essential; this was her fault. I was glad I wouldn’t have to see her again. Well, probably not ever; this wasn't a huge town, after all, but at least it wouldn’t be in a professional environment.
As the door swung open, I could tell from Ashlee’s face that she’d already seen my car in the driveway and she wasn't happy about me being there. I was going to have to jump in quickly if I didn’t want to be immediately sent away.
“Please, just let me in,” I pleaded, clasping my hands together in a begging gesture. There was no room for pride anymore. “I know what Terri told you, and I really want to explain myself.”
For a split second, it looked like she was going to send me away, but luckily, she seemed too intrigued to resist. I didn’t care whatever got me inside, just that I would be able to talk to her. She stepped backwards, allowing me inside, then she took me into her front room where I perched on the edge of my seat.
“I’m sorry about what Terri told you. I didn’t mean for you to find out that way.” I glanced up into her eyes, to see there was nothing but fury there. I didn’t like her giving me that look; it felt all too familiar, so I allowed my eyes to find my shoes once more. “I admit that I have hooked up with a lot of women, including her, and I know now that it was wrong. I always tried to be honest with my intentions from the get go, to prevent anyone from getting hurt, but it seems like I wasn't always successful in that.”
I gave her a second to interject with any questions of comments, but the atmosphere remained thick with an uncomfortable silence. “I guess that when you left, there was a void in my life.” It was time to be honest, to get all my feelings out in the open.
“I knew that I was never going to find anyone that I liked as much as you, so I just stopped looking. I was also scarred by how badly I fucked things up with us, so I wanted to keep my distance from everyone. I didn’t want to let anyone in.”
“Are you insane?” she finally burst out, making me jump. There was so much venom on her tongue that it hurt me to listen to it. “You think that I’m pissed off because you slept with other people while I was gone?” I stared at her, dumbfounded. If it wasn't that, then what was it?
“I was in New York for decade. Of course I know that you would have slept with other people. Hey, you might have even had a couple of relationships!” I didn’t like to tell her that I’d never even come close to a relationship, not when she was so clearly on a roll.
“But what I didn’t expect to find out was that you’d actually slept with one of my best friends. And not only that, you have a child with her that you don't even acknowledge, never mind look after.”
Huh? What the hell was she on about? Terri hadn’t mentioned any of this craziness to me. It took me aback so much that I didn’t even know what to say. Did she mean Kerri? Why the hell would I be Grant’s father when we’d never even slept together?
And why couldn't I just say that aloud? What the hell was wrong with me?
“Look,” Ashlee continued, standing up. “I have a date in a minute that I really need to get ready for. So, I would appreciate it if you would just let yourself out.”
As she turned to walk up the stairs, I screamed at myself to say anything, to tell her that it wasn't true, to defend myself again that crazy rumor, but I didn’t. I simply sat there, staring like an idiot, realizing that she was slowly slipping through my fingers.
If I let her go now, she would go on a date with some guy, and she might fall for him. I wanted to stop her from that, to claim her as my own, but I was also acutely aware that it wouldn’t work, not tonight, not while she was in that mood, so I rose from my seat and I walked towards her front door, desperately hoping that I wasn't about to lose her forever all over again.
Chapter Twenty
Ashlee
Wednesday Dinner
I really wasn't in the mood for drinks with Harry. I’d been all for it when I was in the pharmacy, but then Matthew had come over spewing all kinds of random bullshit that basically confirmed everything Terri had told me about him. He really had become a womanizer, a man who only cared about getting with as many girls as possible, and he could try and blame that on me leaving as much as he wanted, but it was him that drove me away in the first place!
A couple of tears fell down my cheeks as I heard the front door click behind him, but as they were mostly from frustration, I brushed them off and focused my attention on my outfit, instead. I tried to see it as a step in the right direction, as a positive move, but my mind couldn't get off Matthew and all I’d learned about him.
In the end, I decided on a pair of simple, black jeggings and a red, oversized, floaty top. It wasn't the best outfit that I’d ever worn, but it looked okay. It would do, at any rate.
I forced myself out of the house, saying a quick goodbye to my mother, and I made my way to the bar. Well, it was more of a coffee shop that sold alcohol, but that was perfect for me. As long as we weren’t at the bar where things happened with Matthew, I didn’t care.
But I quickly found myself there alone.
Eight o’clock rolled by, and Harry didn’t show up. Then it got to ten past eight. I didn’t particularly want to come on this date, but I was utterly fuming that he wasn't even going to show up. How fucking rude was that? Why ask me to go out with him, just to not show? What the hell was that all about? I just didn’t get it. What was wrong with all the guys in my life?
Just as I was about to give up and walk out, he burst through those doors looking like a completely different person. Gone was the grown-up man in his work attire that I’d seen in the pharmacy, and in its place was a boy that hadn’t grown up since high school. He certainly wasn't dressed like any man approaching thirty that I knew. He had on ripped jeans, dirty sneakers, and a white, leather jacket. On his eyes were a pair of oversized sunglasses, and he was wearing a cap on backwards.
Holy fuck, how am I going to spend a night with this guy?
I sucked in a few deep, calming breaths of air as he waved at me, before making the decision not to judge him so quickly. Clearly the guys I did like weren’t workin
g out for me, so maybe it was time to try something new. I shouldn’t shut someone off because of how they look anyway; how shallow and selfish of me would that be?
I just needed to keep an open mind, just to give him a chance.
*****
Shit!
I’d given it an hour, but things still weren’t getting any better. Not only did Harry still look like he was in high school, he acted like it, too. He kept talking about girls we’d been in school with, and about how hot they’d become. He clearly did a whole bunch of Internet stalking, too, which freaked me out somewhat. I didn’t like the idea of someone I went to school with examining me online without even talking to me, but I guessed that was a side effect of social media.
Then, he flirted with the waitress right in front of me. No, he didn’t just flirt, he asked her out. She giggled and popped her gum without really responding, but I could tell that she would probably connect with him later. She would probably slip her number to him at another point in the night, when she thought I wasn't looking.
“So, who do you still keep in touch with?” he turned to me, finally asking me the very first question of the night. Unfortunately, it was still about school. It was quickly becoming obvious that his younger years were the best of his whole damn life and he couldn't get out of them because of that.
Actually, it was a little bit sad.
“Well, to be honest, when I moved to New York, I didn’t keep in touch with anyone.”
“No, the kids that move away are usually the first to drift off,” he told me quite seriously. “Of the people I’ve actually sent messages to, they are the ones who generally don't reply.”
I didn’t like to ask if he’d messaged me because I knew for a fact that I would have just ignored it and forgotten about it, so I just blew past it instead. “But since I’ve been back, I’ve been hanging out with Kerri Swanson a bit.”
“Ooh yeah, Kerri Swanson, I remember her,” he replied in a smarmy tone of voice, one that suggested they’d hooked up in high school. I knew it was entirely possible, which made me feel a little sick. It reminded me that she’d slept with Matthew, and her bond with him ran so deep they had a child together.
I could never compete with that, and I would never want to. I had no respect for a man that couldn't even look after his child. I also couldn't ever go near Matthew again knowing Grant would always be a reminder of what he’d become. There was just no chance in hell.
“Erm, look, Harry,” I told him regretfully, unable to stand even another second of being in his presence. “I really have to go because I’ve got work in the morning. But this was great...” I trailed off, not wanting to say something stupid like let’s do this again sometime just to be polite.
Luckily, it didn’t matter because Harry’s eyes had already found their way back to the waitress, who was now sending him winks. He would be fine without me, there was certainly no reason to stay, so I pushed my chair back and walked outside.
On the slow walk home, a sadness started to fill me up. Harry just reminded me too damn much of the ugly New York dating scene, which wasn't something that I ever wanted to go back to. It was frantic, needy, then dismissive. If that was all I had to look forward to post Matthew, then maybe I should just give up and become a nun or something.
*****
As I walked through the front door, preparing myself to fend off a million and one questions from my mom, I was shocked as I spotted Grant tearing into the hallway and jumping up on me happily.
“Ashee!” he cried out. “Ashee!”
Oh God, this is so hard, I thought to myself as I held him close to me. None of this was Grant’s fault, and it didn’t make me adore him any less, but it did sting so damn much that he was the result of a betrayal.
On hearing her son, Kerri raced out into the hallway to greet me, too. “Oh, hi, Ashlee, how are you? Your mom said you had a date. You’ll have to tell me all about it.” When I stared at her with bewilderment in my eyes, she seemed compelled to continue. “I called you a while back because Grant was hyper and refusing to go to sleep, and your mom told me to come around and wait for you... I hope that’s all right?”
“Sure,” I gasped out, realizing this was the best opportunity to confront her about my fears. I needed to know for sure, and I needed to know now before I drove myself insane with it all. “Actually, I do need to talk to you for a minute, is that okay?”
Kerri sent Grant back into the front room to watch cartoons with my mom, and we went to talk in my bedroom where we could have this very difficult conversation in peace. I already felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest, and Kerri hadn’t even confirmed anything yet, so I had no idea how I was going to feel when we were done.
“What’s going on?” Kerri asked curiously, plonking on my bed. “Did everything go okay with your date?”
Oh...that was what she assumed I wanted to discuss with her. She was about to get a massive shock.
“Erm, yeah it was fine,” I started, before shaking my head. “No, it was horrible, but more about that later. First I just want to ask...” I breathed deeply, unable to believe that I was having to say these words aloud. “Why you didn’t just tell me that Matthew is Grant’s father?”
“What?” she gasped out in utter shock. “What the hell are you going on about? Matthew isn’t Grant’s father; I’ve never even slept with him. Why the hell would I when I know how much he means to you?” The expression on her face was so stern, so serious, that I just knew I had to trust her.
Matthew isn’t Grant’s father! That had to be good news, right? But then, why the fuck didn’t he just tell me that? He sat there in the front room while I confronted him, and he just said nothing. What the hell was all that about?
And, why did Terri say that he was? Obviously, she was bitter because Matthew had broken things off with her, but that felt too extreme for words. What a weird, potentially life-destroying lie. I mean, what the hell had Kerri and I done to her?
“Look, I might as well tell you the truth,” Kerri sighed deeply, holding her head in her hands for a moment. “Willy is Grant’s father. We’ve been hooking up for years, every damn time I get drunk. I can’t seem to resist him.”
What? I certainly wasn't expecting that!
“So why didn’t you just tell me that?” I asked her curiously.
“I find it embarrassing that I like him so much. It’s something that I don't want to admit.”
Personally, I couldn't see anything wrong with Willy; he seemed like a nice guy to me, one with a full-time job and a sweet smile, but clearly this was an issue for Kerri.
“Does he know?”
“He does,” she confirmed, nodding slowly. “I told him right away and he proposed.” She laughed lightly to herself at the memory, which caused my heart to ache. I’d missed so much while I was away, and now that my New York life felt like nothing more than a dream I’d once had, it all seemed like a waste.
“He was disappointed when I turned him down, but he’s still there for Grant. He pays for him and comes to see him whenever I let him... Urgh, it’s all just a mess!” she exclaimed angrily. “I don't know how I’ve managed to get myself tangled up in such a weird web.”
My advice would have been to give Willy a real shot, to push her preconceived notions to one side and just give him a try, but then again, I wasn't a parent. Maybe that would have been dangerous, risking the tightrope of an agreement that they currently had, so instead of saying anything, I simply pulled her in for a hug.
“Oh God,” she eventually sobbed out. “I need a distraction; please, tell me about your date.”
I smiled secretly to myself, glad that my horrible date could now come in handy for something. It might have been awful, but if it cheered Kerri up, then I would put myself through it again.
“Well, you remember Harry, from high school?”
“Oh no, you didn’t!” Kerri exclaimed in shock. “He’s horrible these days. What the hell were you thinking?”
>
Chapter Twenty-One
Matthew
Wednesday Night
My head was starting to spin like crazy, but I chugged back another beer regardless. I wanted that nauseating, dizzy feeling to consume me; I needed that. Forgetting about my wholly shitty day was the only thing that I wanted.
“Dude, are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Willy asked me with concern and bewilderment in his expression. I could understand that; I had just stormed onto his boat at the end of his working day and demanded a beer. He could probably see I was wound up and incredibly angry, but he didn’t even ask. He waited until I calmed down enough to even begin speaking.
It was just unfortunate that the time had only come around when I was on the way to being quite drunk.
“Oh God,” I groaned, dropping my head into my hands. “It’s just such a fucking mess.” I didn’t want to get into it; it was the last damn thing on the planet that I wanted, but I knew I was going to have to get into it eventually, so I guessed that it might as well get it over and done with. “Terri just flipped out and went crazy. I don't quite know what happened, but she just...flipped.”
“Oh, wow,” Willy replied, clearly resisting the urge to say I told you so. “That’s nuts, man.”
“Yeah, she started off by telling Ashlee about our hook ups. I mean, I don't know exactly what she said, but it can’t have been good.” My heart sunk as I remembered Ashlee’s hurt face repeatedly. “I hadn’t told her that I’ve been pretty...busy during the years she left, and that really wasn't the way that I wanted her to find out.”
“So, how did she react?” he asked cautiously. When I didn’t answer right away, Willy handed me yet another beer that I glugged back gratefully. I just needed that second, that time out from this conversation before I said my next piece.
“She freaked the fuck out,” I told him honestly. “I think it made her see me differently, but that wasn't the worst part. Terri told her that I was Grant’s father. I mean, how fucking weird is that? I haven’t even had sex with Kerri, so why the hell would anyone think the kid is mine?”