She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

by Allana Walker

  “You know what I mean.”

  “It’s true.” Avery sits on the edge of the bathtub.

  “Okay, yeah, I sleep around. But not now. I’m a one woman man.” He winks at Avery, making her blush.

  “Oh God.” I heave again. “I don’t even remember it.”

  “Any of it?” Avery tilts her head to the side.

  “The last thing I remember is dancing with Jared, and Kacey goading me about Tristan.” I try hard to remember what happened next but come up with nothing. I gasp. “Tristan!” My back straightens. “If it’s around campus that means Tristan will have heard about it.” I turn to Lennon. “Lennon? Does Tristan know?”

  He looks at me with sympathy and nods. I let go of the breath I had no idea I had been holding. Tears start falling and a sob escapes me. I had planned to let him stew for a couple of weeks before talking to him. Now I won’t get the chance. His wall will be back up and sealed shut. I stand up too quickly, making me stagger a little.

  “Lils? Where are you going?”

  I walk towards the front door, put my shoes on, and go to open the door. Lennon puts his hand on the door, stopping me from opening it. “Lennon.”

  “You can’t go to Tristan.” I tilt my head to the side, about to question why he’s so against me going to Tristan’s apartment. “Don’t look at me like that, Lillia.” He grabs my hand, pulls me towards the hallway, and pushes me to the mirror. “Do you really want to go out on campus looking like that?” He chuckles. I look at myself and gasp in horror. Was I about to go out in public like this? My mascara is smudged, making me look like I’ve gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson, and my hair is a matted mess. Ugh, what was I thinking?

  “You’re right. I’ll get a shower and head over.”

  After making myself presentable, I make the short walk towards the boys’ apartment. Taking a deep breath and raising my hand, I’m about to knock when the door swings open. My eyes level with a hard black t-shirt-clad chest that’s rising and falling at a rate I don’t think is normal. I raise my eyes to his face. His lips part slightly and he stares at me in shock, his blue eyes darkening when they meet mine. My mouth is drier than the Nevada desert. I try to swallow and speak but nothing is coming out.

  “What do you want, Lillia?” he asks, walking further out so he can close the door. “I’m late for class.”

  My head jerks back at the iciness of his voice. Lillia? I’m always Lilly. “I was hoping we could talk.” I finally find my voice, walking beside him, trying to keep up with his quickened steps. Now is not a good time to have short legs. I place my hand on his bicep, stopping him, and his muscles tense. This is new. “Tristan, please. I need to talk to you.”

  “Just like I needed to talk to you two weeks ago?” He glares at me. “I don’t have time. I need to get to class.” He begins to walk away.

  “I know you did. I’m sorry. I should have spoken to you, but if you let me explain, I will.” I can feel the tears building behind my eyes.

  “No.” That’s all he says as he begins walking again. “Go talk to Jared. I’m sure he’ll listen.”

  Knife, meet heart, and twist. Again.

  What I just said leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Lillia and Jared? Really? I can understand Jared sleeping around, but Lillia? Lillia is one of the good ones. She's the light to my dark. The sun to my moon. My rainbow on a dull day. Maybe I should have stopped and listened to her, but I'm pissed. Not at her, but at myself. I should have made her listen to what I had to say, dragged her out of the house with me, kissed her with all my might, and told her how much I love her. But I didn't. I left her there with that asshole. For two weeks, I've been wallowing in self-pity. I should have been out there showing Lillia how much I love her and how far I will go to be with her. But when Aiden told me that she didn't go home last night, I knew then I had lost her for good.

  Glancing over my shoulder, I see Lillia turn her back to me and hug her mid-section, her shoulders slumped as she walks away slowly.

  “Hot piece of ass, isn't she?” A voice slices through my thoughts. “A knockout in the sack too.” My whole body goes rigid. Turning slowly, I'm met with a smug face I want to smash to the ground. “That body bends in ways I never thought possible. I'm getting hard just thinking about the way those tits were bouncing up and down while she was riding me.” He groans. My hand balls into a fist, my fingernails digging into my palm. I try some breathing techniques that I've seen Lillia do every morning while doing her yoga, hoping it'll calm me down, but it's not working. I get images of them fucking every way possible the moment my eyes close. “Don't feel sad, Tristan. I'm sure she'll tell you I'm a better lay than you'll ever be. I just loved watching my cum dripping from her tight pussy.” He turns to walk away from me then stops suddenly, turning on his heel and looking at me with a smirk. “Hearing her tell me she loves me over and over again was like music to my ears.” That's it. That's all it takes for me to grab him by the shirt and slam him hard into the nearest wall, his head snapping back.

  “Keep talking about her like that and I'll fucking kill you,” I seethe, through gritted teeth.

  “What's the matter, Hunt? Scared she's screwing someone other than you? Falling for someone that's not a fucking pussy?” I have no idea what happens after the words leave his mouth until I hear muffled screaming and someone pulling at my arm.

  “Tristan. Tristan, please stop,” a feminine voice cries. “Tristan. Please.” My vision comes back to me. I look down at a bloody Jared. My breathing quickens, my heart picking up speed as I look around at the faces staring at me like I'm a lunatic. Hell, judging by the state of Jared, I may well be a lunatic. “Tristan.” A gentle touch brings me out of my inner turmoil. Looking around, I see clouded green eyes staring back at me. “Tristan, please. Please.” I try to swallow but my throat is dry. I let go of Jared, letting his body flop down with a thud, then stand and walk away. Or at least I try to.

  “Not so fast, Mr. Hunt!” the dean shouts. “My office. Now.” I do as I'm told and go face my fate that I'll be on the next plane back to Boston, preparing for Dad to scream at me for being so stupid. I walk past Lillia and she tries to grab my hand, but I can't have her touch me. She's better away from me. I'm nothing. I can't be anything to her. She's too good to be stuck with me. I snatch my hand from hers and walk away, leaving my heart broken and shattered on the ground.

  The dean didn't kick me out, but he did call my dad, who is on his way over here as we speak. He was supposed to be on a plane to New York for a big meeting, but I stopped that and probably cost him a client.

  A knock at the door pulls me out of my thoughts.

  “Lillia, I don't think it's a good idea you being here,” I hear Aiden say.

  “Yeah, Lils. Tristan isn't in a good place. We need to give him some space,” Lennon says.

  “Please. I just want to see how he is.” Her voice is small, like a child who got into trouble for stealing candy.

  “I know you do, but he needs to cool off.”

  “It's all my fault.” I place my hand on the doorknob, about to walk out. “I should never have slept with Jared.” She sniffs. “I don't remember sleeping with him, but everyone says I did. I would know, right?”

  I can't take the pain in her voice any longer. Walking out, I'm met with Lillia in an old hoodie of mine, pulling at the sleeves that are miles too big for her as she stands in front of Lennon and Aiden. They all look at me like I'm a ghost, or something from a freak show. My blood begins to boil the longer they stare.

  “Tristan, I…” Lillia's voice comes out raspy. My eyes look her up and down; she really is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, but Jared's words come screeching into my brain before she can even utter the words I know are about to come out of her mouth.

  “Get out.” I walk towards the kitchen, passing them all.

  “Tristan, please. Let's go into your room so we can talk about this.” She catches my bicep. My whole body tenses at her touch, and not in a good way.
She must sense this, judging by the widening of her eyes and the gasp of air she inhales. “Please, Tristan. Five minutes. I need to explain a few things.”

  “I don't want to hear it, Lillia. I have other things on my mind.” I move my arm out of her hold which was beginning to feel as if it was burning me.

  “Please.” Her tearful plea causes my heart to break further, but my anger about her sleeping with Jared wins over, stopping me from pulling her into my arms and comforting her.

  “I heard you before I came out of my room.” I turn slowly to look into her eyes. I want to see the hurt in them. I want her to feel every ounce of pain that I'm feeling at the moment. “That me beating the living shit out of that cocksucker, almost getting kicked out so close to graduation was your fault,” I take a step closer to her and she steps back. I see in the corner of my eye Lennon moving from where he's standing to stand closer to his sister. I would never hurt her physically, I just need her to see that I was finally ready to let her in and she crushed that by betraying me the way she did. She didn't betray you, you idiot. “You're right. It was your fault. It's all your fault.” The words leave a bitter taste in my mouth and I hate the look she's giving me right now as I stare into the green eyes that I love so much. In such pain, and all because of me. A tear slips from her eye, her shoulders slump, and she turns and runs from my apartment in tears. She hates me. I hate me.

  “Nice going, asshole!” Lennon growls at me, and runs after his sister.

  Aiden shakes his head and leaves me standing in the middle of our apartment alone. Then I hear it. Dad's angry voice.

  “Tristan! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  I run my hands through my hair and pull. “I don't know! I don't fucking know!” I yell at him.

  “Fighting? I thought we were past all of this? You haven't fought since you were sixteen, Tristan. What the hell has gotten into you?” He's right. I used to get into fights up until the Kennedys moved in next door. Dad thinks it was Lennon that calmed me, but in reality, it was Lillia. Lillia called to something in me, like she was showing me I can be a better man, and I'm not all the nasty things Mom called me. “And why was Lillia running away from here in floods of tears? What the hell did you say to her?”

  Hearing her name causes tears to form in my eyes. I try to blink them away but a stray one falls and drips off my chin. “Tristan? Son? I thought you were going to tell her how you felt?” He sighs exasperatedly.

  “I was. I tried.” I let out a groan of frustration. “She wouldn't listen and jumped into bed with the first man that showed her the slightest bit of interest.” I start pacing the length of our floor. “She slept with Jared Walter after I tried to tell her I loved her, Dad. He was goading me! Talking like she was a piece of fucking meat!” I ball my fists, the rage coursing through my veins as his words hit me again and again. “I lost it, and the only person that could get me out of that darkness was the one person who hates me, and I just told her it was her fault I lost it, and she'll never talk to me again.” I scrub my face with my hands.

  “Son, you could have killed him. Do you understand that?” Dad touches my shoulder, making me look at him. “You could have been facing charges and kicked out of school with three weeks until graduation. You're lucky Jared's father is a friend of mine and I convinced him not to press charges. Also, the dean owes me for getting his son off a drugs charge.”

  “Lucky? I don't feel lucky, and I would have killed him. Lillia didn't deserve the way he was speaking about her.”

  “Did she deserve the way you spoke to her?” Aiden asks. I look up and see his face is beet red with anger. “The way you intimidated her?”

  “Aiden,” Dad warns him. It's not a surprise that he's defending her; he'll choose her all the time over me and I don't blame him. I would too. “That's enough.”

  “Is it? Is it really, Dad?” He raises his voice a few octaves. “Do you know how many times he's hurt Lillia? How many times I've had to sit and listen to my best friend cry over him and his action? How many times I've wanted to tell her to just forget about him and move on? But I don't because I believed he really loved her, but he doesn't. He can't, because if he did? He wouldn't hurt her the way he has tonight. He would have heard her out and comforted her in her time of need.”

  “I said that's enough, Aiden!” Dad shouts at him. I've never seen Aiden so angry in my entire twenty-one years of living with him; not even when I stole his English essay. He just shrugged it off and wrote a different paper.

  “I'm not nearly done with him. I've watched her heart break piece by piece for the past six years because of him. Today it stops! Leave her alone before her light dims forever. I'm not asking. I'm demanding. Let her go. Let her live her life. Let her be happy.” He turns and leaves me shocked that he would demand I leave Lillia alone. You know he's right.

  “Don't listen to him, Tristan. You love her, I know you do. Go over and fix it.”

  “I can't. I can't fix this, Dad. It's done. I'm letting her go.” As much as it breaks me, I have to let her go.

  I’m numb, walking around on auto-pilot. It’s been two weeks since I last heard from Tristan. Two weeks since our last kiss. Everyone keeps walking around on eggshells like I’m this fragile little doll that will break at the mere mention of his name. It still stings hearing his name; of course it does. He holds my heart and he crushed it with his bare hands. I spend my days curled up in my bed, only getting up to attend classes, but afterward, I come home, slip into my yoga pants and one of Tristan’s hooded jumpers, and lose myself in a good book, surrounded by his scent. I know, I know… wearing his clothing won’t allow me to get over him. But I’m just not ready. Not yet.

  I’m busy getting myself a coffee, needing something to wake me up after another night of restless sleep.

  “Happy birthday!” Avery yells, and blows one of those annoying as hell party horns. Turning, holding my hot cup of liquid heaven, I see she’s holding a helium balloon with the number twenty-one in huge writing and a unicorn on the other side, and a party hat. “Happy twenty-first!” She pulls out a tube from her back pocket and pulls it when Lennon comes in to stand beside me, kissing my cheek. Multi-colored confetti explodes from the cannon type thing, all over me and in my coffee. Sighing, I turn, pouring the ruined drink down the sink and starting again.

  “Lillia?” Lennon places a hand on my back and gently rubs up and down soothingly. I can hear the concern in his voice. Turning my head slightly from the task at hand, I offer him a small smile.

  “I’m fine.” Lies. “Happy birthday, bro.” I reach up and kiss his cheek. I walk towards my best friend, give her a hug, and thank her for all of this then go to my room to finish the last assignment of my college year.

  At eight in the evening, I finish all the work I’ve had to do. Aiden came by with a gift and card for me. I told him I would open it later after I finished what I had to do. He stayed with me, silently watching me as I worked. Eventually, I told him to go get ready for a night out with Lennon and Avery. He left, reluctantly. Sitting on the window seat with my head resting against the window, I watch students come and go as they laugh and joke around with their friends. My heart skips a beat when I notice a familiar body run past the window, wet with the rainfall mixed with sweat. As if he can feel me looking, he stops and turns slightly, looking up at my window. I don’t think I’ve ever moved so fast in my life. Tears begin to fall again. I told myself I wouldn’t cry any more tears over him, that he wasn’t worth the hurt and the tears. Truth is, he is worth it. He is worth all the tears. I just wish I didn’t hurt this much. A knock at my door makes me jump.

  “Hey.” Lennon pokes his head in the door. “You sure you don’t want to come with?” He’s asked me about ten times throughout the day, even at one point on his hands and knees, begging me. I declined each time.

  I pull back my comforter and climb in, grabbing my book from the nightstand. “Lennon, I told you before. I’m not in the mood.” Opening my book, I begin to
read, regardless of Lennon standing over me.

  The bed dips under the weight of him sitting on the edge. “Lillia, I’m worried about you. We all are.” He places his hand gently on my knee. “I don’t like you missing out on your birthday, our birthday, because of some ass…” He stops the moment my eyes snap up at him and glare. He lets out a big sigh. “Look, we only turn twenty-one once. Come out for one drink.”

  “Lennon I…” I begin, but he cuts me off.

  “Tristan won’t be there if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  Feeling my eyes well up once again at the mention of his name, I swallow before I speak. He shouldn’t miss out on his best friend’s birthday. “It’s not just him, Len. I’m the talk of the campus. Do you know what they’re calling me? They’re calling me a whore.” A tear drips from the corner of my eye.

  “Not all of campus is calling you that. Just Kacey and Jared’s gang of bitches, and asshole jocks who have nothing better to do.” I knot my fingers together, let out a little laugh, and shake my head. “Why else would almost all the student body vote for you as valedictorian?” My eyes snap up to him upon hearing this information. He raises an eyebrow and a smile pulls at his lips. “No-one is supposed to know. I overheard some of the professors at lunch saying there was an overwhelming landslide of votes for you to speak on behalf of all the students.” He smirks. “See? Double celebration.” He takes my hand and squeezes lightly.

  “Okay, I’ll come out for one drink.” He hugs me so tight I fear he may choke me to death.

  Here we go. Time to get this over and done with.

  Sitting in the bar, I can feel eyes looking at me and people whispering. I knew this was a bad idea.

  “One dark and stormy cocktail to match your mood.” Lennon hands me my drink. Rum and ginger beer with a slice of lime in a tall glass. I fix him with a glare at his idiotic jibe.

  “I didn’t want to come out in the first place,” I snap, then drain my drink in one go. The quicker I drink this, the quicker I can get out of here. Wiping my mouth with a napkin, I scrape my chair back and make to stand.