If he thinks he’s being funny, he’s sorely mistaken. “What the fuck, man?”
“You’re not the one who should be mad, Tristan. I should be tearing you a new one right now.”
“What do you want me to say? I’m sorry.” I sigh, shaking my head. “I saw a picture of you and Lillia and lost my shit!”
“That’s the sort of shit that’s gonna drive her away. Don’t you see? You need to get a handle on your temper and the jealousy.”
“I’m scared, Aid!” I shout. “I’m constantly scared that she’ll find some other guy who’s worthy of her love and leave me.” I throw myself down onto one of the kitchen chairs.
“You can’t think like that, Tris. You’ll drive yourself mad and you’ll end up hurting her more and driving her away. For good.”
I nod my head in agreement. “I’m going to ask her to marry me today.”
His eyes widen in shock. “You are? Wow! Congrats, man.”
“She hasn’t said yes yet.”
“I have every faith she’ll say yes.” He winks at me.
I hope so. I really hope so.
Seeing her and being so close to her wearing a fake ass smile on her face makes me feel like a grade A prick. Leaning down close to her ear, I kiss her cheek and whisper, “I’m sorry, Lils.”
She gives me a sideways glance. The fake smile falters a little as we stand while people around us take pictures.
“Just smile. I don’t want to talk about this here, Tristan.”
I take this moment to drop to my knee. Gasps fill the room. Lillia looks down at me, mouth wide open. I’m surprised her jaw hasn’t broken, and her eyes look wider than is physically possible. Lennon takes Jax from her. Probably a wise decision, just in case she drops him.
Taking her small hand in my clammy, shaky hand, I rub my thumb over her knuckles, hopefully soothing her anxiety, I can see her chest rising and falling rapidly, matching my own. I take a deep breath and begin.
“Lillia, you have got to be the most beautiful woman I have ever met in my life. I have no idea how I got so damn lucky having someone as amazing as you loving me.” I swallow and continue. “I know I can be a jerk most of the time and I screwed up on more than one occasion. Last night especially.” Her eyes fill with tears, her mouth opening and closing. “But I want to grow old with you, look after you when you’re ill. Protect you from all your fears, and hold you at night so you feel safe. I want to soak up all the tears that may fall from your eyes, even if I’m the one causing them.” I reach over and catch a tear that’s falling as I speak. “I want to be the one who makes you snort laugh even when you don’t want to. Cuddle you when you’re cold at night, which is most of the time, even in the summer.” I chuckle. “I want to look back on my life and say that I was a lucky son of a bitch to have spent my life with you.” Reaching into my pocket, I pull out the ring that has been burning a hole through my pants the past couple of weeks and ask the question I should have asked years ago. “Lillia, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
I smile from my position on the floor. Her shimmering green eyes shine like the stars in the sky. Thick tears fall down her cheeks. My smile falls and I swallow the hard lump in my throat.
I’ve completely fucked up this time.
My mouth goes dry and tears spill from my eyes. A few years ago, this is all I wanted. The man of my dreams kneeling in front of me, asking me to marry him in front of the people we both love the most. It's not the most romantic way I would have chosen to be proposed to, but here he is, baring his soul to me with more than a dozen pairs of eyes staring, waiting.
“Will you?” My gaze snaps to look into anxious blue eyes. “Gonna have to push you for an answer; my knee is starting to hurt,” he jokes, with a nervous chuckle.
I try to swallow the lump in my throat. “I'm sorry,” I whisper, and run out into the cool winter air.
“Lillia?” Avery’s concerned voice hits my ears.
I feel her hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. I bring my own up to clasp it.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” I sigh. “Here I am, twenty-three years old, a mother, and I'm too chicken shit to say yes to a proposal?” I let out a humorless laugh. “I can command a boardroom of stubborn authors and editors, but I can't say yes to the one man I’ve loved my entire life.” Another tear slips down my cheek.
“Hey, you're not chicken shit. You're Lillia, my unicorn loving, cupcake eating best friend.” I giggle. “Seriously. You have to look inside you to see what's truly stopping you from saying yes.”
She's right.
Walking back into the room, all eyes turn to me. I spot Aiden in the far corner, looking out into the courtyard of the hotel hosting the after party of Jax’s christening. Ignoring all the eyes following me and the whispers, I make my way towards him.
“Aid.” My voice is quiet. I follow his eye line and I’m met with a sight that tears my heart to pieces. Tristan and Jax sit quietly, looking up at the stars. Tristan is pointing up, his mouth moving. I can hear Tristan’s voice in my head from when we used to all lay out in our yard, stargazing. He would tell us the constellations, and all about star signs. Do you really want to do this? I have to.
“I’ll take Jax back to our house.” Lennon squeezes my shoulder, making me jump. I nod and follow behind him to where Tristan is. Lennon looks between us. “Let you guys talk.” He kisses my cheek. I kiss Jax’s blond hair then turn to see Tristan before me. The sadness in his eyes is killing me, like he knows what I’m about to say.
“Tristan, we need to talk.” I point to the bench just at the docking area. Once we sit, Tristan sits with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped in front of him, looking down. I place my hand on his forearm. “I’m sorry,” I rasp out. My throat threatens to close, tears brimming my eyes.
“I’m the one who should be apologizing.” He laughs a little, turning to me and placing his hand over mine. “I’m sorry I accused you of cheating on me. I just saw a picture that looked a hell of a lot like you and I flipped. I didn’t mean any of it.” He brings my hand up to his lips and kisses it lightly.
Just say it.
Taking a cleansing breath, I blurt out something I never thought I would say. “I think we should take a break.” He pauses, squeezing his eyes closed. He lets go of my hand and walks away, running his hand through his hair. Standing, I walk towards him, placing my hand on his back. He tenses a little and turns. My hand is suspended in the air, and I drop it, looking down. “I’m sorry, Tristan. But I really think this is for the best.”
“What? So you can go fuck every dick out there?” His voice drips with venom. I know he doesn’t mean it, but that doesn’t lessen the hurt from his words. “Shit. Lillia, I’m sorry.” He scrubs his hands over his face. “I’ve really fucked up this time, huh?”
“Tristan, I’m not doing this to hurt you. It’s the last thing I want to do, but I just think we need a break from us. The intensity that we have. I think you need to sort out the issues you have.”
“Issues? Fucking issues? I don’t have issues!”
“Tristan, listen to me.” I can sense he’s about to blow again. “When I leave for work in the morning, what’s the first thing that comes into your head?”
“What the hell, Lilly?” He groans, avoiding my question.
“How many texts, phone calls, emails have you sent me while I’m working?” I need him to admit he has a problem. “You call, text, and even visit me at work, Tristan. You don’t trust me.”
His shoulders slump in defeat. “I do trust you, Lillia. I don’t trust the people who work with you and all the guys that look at you.”
“Tristan.” I sigh, sitting down on the grass beside him. “Do you not think I get jealous of all the girls who look your way? The girls who flirt with you in front of my face?”
“That doesn’t happen.” He shakes his head.
“Really? Have you seen yourself? Girls drop their panties, spread their legs, and practi
cally beg you to fuck them right there and then.” I feel the jealousy seep through me just thinking about all the bitches trying to steal my man.
“I don’t notice any of that because I’m only looking at you.” If I wasn’t so dead set on this decision, I would melt away into a puddle. But I know that this is the right decision for me and for Tristan. And ultimately, Jax.
“That’s the way I see it when I’m with you.” I look towards the setting sun. “I feel like you don’t trust me to say no to any man if they asked me out or tried to kiss me or whatever.”
“I’ve already said I trust you.”
“There’s a difference between saying and showing. Lately your actions and words have shown the opposite.” A tear drips from my eyes. “I can’t handle the jealousy and the bursts of anger. I need to think of Jax too now.”
His head snaps up when I mention Jax. “I would never hurt you or Jax.” His voice barely a whisper shows he’s hurt at my words.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean that I want us to be happy, and right now, I’m not happy.”
“I thought you were happy?”
“I was, but the jealousy has gotten out of hand. It’s not healthy for you to be constantly thinking I’m out there cheating with every man I meet.” I wipe the tears from my eyes. “We need to do this. If we’re meant to be, we’ll be. You need help, Tristan. Help I can’t give you.”
I see that he’s absorbing my words and thinking hard about what I’ve said.
“You won’t stop me seeing Jax, will you?” He swallows.
“I would never stop you seeing your son, Tristan.”
He looks away from me and sighs, picking up a stone and throwing it towards the water. “Okay.”
Looking into her eyes, I say, “Okay, but only because doing the right thing by you is my number one priority. I care so much for you. I love you so damn much that even thinking of never having you by my side is killing me.” A tear falls from my eye and my throat burns with unshed tears.
“Tristan...” she starts, but I place my index finger over her lips to silence her.
“Please, Lillia. Let me finish. I need to say this otherwise I won't say it at all.” She nods, understanding that I need to let this out. “I love you. Have done since I saw your sulky ass get out of the removal van. I used to dream about what would happen if we had gotten together from the beginning. Still do. We could be married or engaged at least if I hadn't been such a stubborn, jealous asshole.” I look out into the water, the sun setting. “I know now we can never get that. We have a baby together; that's something I will thank God for every day. I just wish it was different. I missed my chance with you, and I'm going to make it my mission to be the best dad to our son. I might make some mistakes along the way, but I will try my damndest to give him everything he could ever want.” Tears fall like an avalanche down her cheeks. “I love you too much to put you through any more heartache. The heartache that you shouldn't have had to go through in the first place.” I scrub my hands over my face. Lillia takes my hand in hers and I rub my thumb over her knuckles.
“I love you too, Tristan. So much. We have a child together. Maybe we missed our chance, or maybe we just need a little breather from one another. I don't know. All I know is that when I see you, my heart pounds in my chest and I can see no one but you in the room. I just can't deal with the lack of trust. You need to look inside yourself and see if, deep down, you can trust me as much as I trust you, even after all that has gone on in the past. I still trust you one hundred percent.” Her hand raises and she places it on my cheek. I lean into her touch, closing my eyes, relishing in the contact. “Sometimes we have to do the best by someone and let them go because we care so much about them. Sucks for us, but it will work out in the end.” She sniffs and continues. “You can't love someone if you can't love yourself.”
“Bullshit,” I snap, making her jump. “I love you, Lillia. I don't love myself, but you? I love you with every beat of my heart. Loving you makes me forget how much I hate myself.” Leaning my forehead on hers, I bring her hand to my heart that's beating hard. “My heart will only ever beat for you.”
“I love you, Tristan. So much.” She turns and starts to walk away. I catch her wrist and spin her around, pulling her close, crushing my lips to hers and kissing her with everything in me, like my life depends on it.
“Tristan...” she mutters against my mouth. I keep my hands on either side of her face and my forehead on hers. “Tristan. You have to let me go.”
“I can't. I'll fight for you every day of my life, Lillia.” My voice breaks with the last word.
“You have to. For your own sake and our son’s sake. Let me go.”
I nod. “I love you enough to let you go, but I'm too selfish not to stop fighting for you.” I interlock my fingers with hers. “As much as it pains me to say this, I hope you find someone who shows you every single day that they love you, who doesn't cause you tears of sadness, but of laughter. Someone who isn't afraid of his feelings for you. Lord knows you deserve that so much. I just wish that person was me.” Tears fall down my face, splashing on our joined hands. I kiss her forehead and let her go.
She turns, leaving me to watch the only girl I love walking away, taking my heart with her. I turn my back and look toward the water, the setting sun darkening the sky, just like my whole life has darkened. I crouch down with my elbows on my knees and let the tears flow.
Feeling a hand rub my back, I look to the right and see sympathetic eyes staring back at me. Standing up, I crush my brother to me and cry my hardest, not giving a shit if people see me break. His arms close around me, letting me cry on his shoulder.
“Everyone's gone home,” he says, once I've calmed down. I nod, staring ahead and throwing stones into the water.
“This isn't the way I imagined my night ending.” I sigh, looking up to the sky. “I thought I'd be going home with my fiancée and my son.” I throw a stone into the water. “Now I'm going home with my brother.”
“Thanks, Tris. How about a thank you for letting you stay at my home.” He nudges my shoulder.
“I'm sorry. Thank you.” I sigh. “I'll be out of your hair within a week.”
“Stay as long as you want. I'm hardly there anyway. My next shoot is in two days down in Mexico. You're welcome to stay for as long as you need to. Hell, move in permanently.” His eyes light up like the Fourth of July. “Think about it; Jax already has a room there.” I nod silently. “Everything will work out.”
I let out a mirthless laugh. “Do you know how it feels to let the one girl you’ve loved for seven years go? Just so she can be happy and live her life the way she deserves?” I sniff, wiping the rogue tear that falls down my cheek.
“No,” he whispers.
“Think about when Dad told you that our dog, Bingo, was knocked down and killed.”
He nods, looking down. “It still hurts even now.”
“Times that feeling by a million and you get what I’m feeling.” I pick at the grass around me. I let out another bitter laugh. “I don’t know what else I was expecting.”
“How do you mean? Lillia loves you. You’re an amazing father.”
“Come on, Aid. You’ve seen the men in this family’s track record with women.” I pick up a stone and throw it into the lake, leaning my head against the trunk of a tree and looking up at the sky. The stars twinkle like glitter; they remind me of Lillia’s eyes when she looks at me. They shine with love and admiration, like she only has eyes for me. And she did, once. Another tear slips out of the corner of my eye, thinking I’ll never get that back. I’ll never get her back.
“Come on. You’re still not talking about this, are you?” Aiden groans in displeasure. He’s heard this time and time again. “Tristan, you have to get past all of this. Mom cheated on Dad. Dad didn’t fuck anything up. Our mother was, is, selfish, and that will never change. Aunt Val left Uncle Jack because she didn’t want the family life, so she upped and left him with a newborn b
aby to care for. And Aunt Annie chose a life of alcohol and drugs over Uncle Rich.” He lists of some of the failed marriages in our family. “But Tristan, Grandma and Grandpa were married almost sixty-five years before they passed away.”
“I guess.”
“Answer me these questions, and answer them honestly.” He turns to me. I nod my head apprehensively, unsure of what these questions will be. “Do you think Lillia would ever up and leave you, leaving you to raise Jax alone?”
“She’s already left me.”
“For a reason. Now answer the question.”
“No. She loves Jax way too much to leave him.”
“Would she choose liquid love over the love you say you have for her?”
I shake my head.
“Would she cheat?” He raises an eyebrow. “I mean, you’ve already accused her of that so I guess I know the answer to that question.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you actually accused her of having an affair with me. Me? Your brother. I mean, yeah, I had a thing for her back in the day, but her heart was always yours, Tristan. She’s the love of your life. The woman has had your heart since forever and you accuse her of lying and cheating.” His anger starts to bubble to the surface; anger I’ve never seen before from Aiden. He’s always so cool, calm, and collected. I’m the hothead, not him.
“I’m sorry. How many times do I have to keep apologizing?”
“You accused Lillia and me of something that goes against everything we believe in, and to say I was Jax’s father? Jesus Christ, Tristan!” He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up. “Do you realize how much it hurt to know you actually thought I could do something like that? To think that Lillia, of all people, could do something like that?” He stands up and starts to pace. “She ran hundreds of miles away just so she wouldn’t hurt more than she already was. The same woman who was too scared to tell anyone about her pregnancy for five months because she was petrified about your reaction. She loves you even after all the hurt you put her through over the years.” I stare at him and swallow past the lump that’s clogging up my airway. “Tristan, maybe Lillia’s right. You need to sort out your own head before you can make this relationship work the way we all know it can.”
She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not. Page 26