by White, Karey
I called Jayne and took the day off. Dave’s biopsy results came back in the afternoon. Dave had cancer. The doctor was optimistic that with one more surgery to remove some cancerous tissue, and aggressive treatment, Dave had a good chance of coming through it. They moved Dave to a recovery room, where he’d stay another night.
Janice, Angus, and I sat in Dave’s room talking quietly while Dave slept. A bouquet of flowers arrived from Kyle’s family.
“That was so thoughtful of them,” Janice said.
I stepped out into the hall and called Kyle.
“Any news?” he asked when he picked up the phone.
“It’s cancer. They’re cautiously optimistic they’ll be able to treat it successfully, but he’s got a long road ahead of him.”
“Give them our best.”
“The flowers are beautiful, Kyle. Thank you.”
“Sure. Are you doing okay?”
“I’m tired. I slept in the waiting room last night.”
“Do you still want to go to dinner tonight?”
I hesitated. “Can I let you know in an hour or so?” Kyle didn’t say anything right away, and I felt compelled to explain. “I don’t want to leave if they need me.”
Again, there was a pause. “Sure, just let me know when you know.”
I put my phone away and looked up to find Angus watching me. He stepped over, put his arm around my shoulders, and started walking toward the front door of the hospital.
“Thanks for staying with me last night, Chuck.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I’ve got some phone calls to make and a couple of errands to run, so I’ll walk you out.”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?” I asked.
Angus squeezed my shoulder again. “Why would I do that?”
“Fine. I’m going. But I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“I hope so.” Angus squeezed my shoulder, and we each headed to different parking lots.
I called Kyle when I got to my car.
“Hi.” There was a smile in Kyle’s voice. “It’s only been ten minutes.”
“Angus ushered me out the door. I guess they were ready to get rid of me.”
“So dinner?”
“Yes, I’m starving.”
“Then let’s make it an early one.”
“I need time to shower, but after that, I can go whenever. Do you mind if we go somewhere quiet? Where we won’t get noticed?”
Kyle laughed. “Let’s get takeout and eat at home then.”
“Is that okay?”
“I don’t care where we eat as long as we eat together.”
I tried not to grin stupidly.
“Any requests?”
“Surprise me.”
I felt like a new person after I’d showered and dressed. I decided to give Kyle a surprise of my own and stopped at La Boudin for a bag of chocolate dipped coconut macaroons. They smelled so good I ate one on the way to Kyle’s.
The hall outside Kyle’s condo was empty. I’d almost rung the bell before I realized his door was slightly ajar. I pushed it open a little farther, ready to announce myself, when I heard Kyle’s voice. I stopped.
“Do you have someone following her?” He sounded angry.
“Of course not. We’re lucky Sam broke his arm, or I wouldn’t have even been there yesterday.” It was Devon. Who was Sam?
“I’m sure your son would be glad to know his accident was good for Dad’s business,” Kyle said.
I hadn’t realized Devon had a son. He was always so focused on the Aldsworths, it was strange to think about him having a life apart from theirs.
“You know what I’m saying, Kyle. Stop acting like I’m the enemy here. I’m trying to help you. And I’m telling you, if you don’t get her under control, she’s going to ruin you.”
“What has she done that’s so wrong? She went to the hospital to check on a friend.”
“She sat with him for hours. They hugged. She rubbed his back. They slept together on the same couch. All night.”
No one spoke for a minute. I could imagine Kyle’s face as he imagined the worst.
“How did they sleep together?” I could hear the reluctance in his voice. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer. I almost walked through the door to answer the question myself, but something held me back.
“It’s not like they were ‘together’ together, but Kyle, they were there all night. Just the two of them in that waiting room.”
“Except that you were chaperoning them.” It made me sick to think he’d been spying on us, watching us sleep.
“Stop acting like a child. I wasn’t chaperoning anyone. I was trying to protect your future. But hey, if I care more about it than you do, tell me. I’ll back off and worry only about your dad. You don’t have to run for office if you don’t want to.”
“You know I want to, Devon. And I appreciate you looking out for me, but this feels... wrong.”
“Look, I can tell Charlotte is a nice girl, but not everyone is cut out for this, and every time we turn around, we’re running interference. Doing damage control. And we’ve only just begun. If you’re going to marry her, you’ve got years, maybe decades of dealing with this, and you’ve got to get her on board.” I rested my head against the door jamb. My stomach was a disastrous jewelry box, the inside a mass of tangled chains.
“They’ve been friends most of their lives,” Kyle said. “He’s like her brother, and they...” His voice disappeared, and I couldn’t hear the rest of what he said.
“That may be true, but if Angela Prescott had been there last night, it wouldn’t matter if they were conjoined twins, she’d have managed to make it look like something inappropriate was happening. The fact is, they’re not related, and whether they’re platonic friends or not doesn’t matter if someone wants to twist it and make it look sordid.”
“I can’t believe you stayed there all night.”
“Kyle, I’ve known your family since before your dad ran for city council. It’s my job to look out for you guys. That’s what I was doing last night. Protecting you from the malicious rumors you’d have been facing today if the wrong person saw her cozied up to another man.” Their voices were getting louder, and I realized they were walking toward the door. I didn’t want Kyle to know I’d heard any of this.
I quickly stepped back to the elevator and pushed the button. I let out a deep breath when the door whispered open. I stepped inside but didn’t push a button. The door slid quietly shut but didn’t move. A minute later, it opened back up, and there stood Kyle and Devon. They looked alarmed when they saw me. Devon recovered first.
“Hi, Charlotte,” he said and nodded.
“Hey. How’s it going?” I didn’t want an answer. I just wanted to sound normal, but my voice sounded strained in my ears.
“Just touching base with Kyle,” he said.
“Always strategizing,” Kyle sounded as overwrought as I felt, but he’d replaced his surprised look with a smile.
“Remember what I said.” Devon stepped onto the elevator as I stepped off. He pushed a button, and then gave us a short salute. “Have a good evening, you two.” His eyes didn’t leave Kyle’s face.
“For someone who was starving, you’ve hardly touched your food.”
I looked down at the cashew chicken and rice I’d been pushing around my plate. “I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought.”
“You want me to take that?” Kyle reached for my plate.
“Sure.”
“You hungry enough for a macaroon?” Kyle asked as he walked to the kitchen.
“Sure. I’ll take one of those.”
The evening’s dynamic was all wrong. Kyle was trying to be his usual self, but I knew he had to be thinking about what Devon had said. How could he not? I’d tried to pretend I hadn’t heard their conversation, but after a few minutes, I couldn’t anymore. All I wanted to do was camp inside my head and process what I’d heard. No, not just what I’d heard. I need
ed to process everything that had happened over the past few weeks. I’d been so busy trying to make up for what had happened at the benefit, trying to be worthy of a spot in the Aldsworth family, and working to be what Kyle needed me to be, I hadn’t thought about what was happening to me. I was wearing myself out with the effort, only to find out today that it wasn’t good enough. Would it ever be good enough?
“Maybe we can watch a movie,” Kyle said from the kitchen. It sounded like he was rinsing off the dishes. I knew I should go in and help him, but I sat there, numb.
Suddenly I needed air. The walls were closing in around me. My life was closing in around me. I was suffocating in Aldsworth expectations. I pushed myself off the couch and walked out the door off the dining room that led to the balcony.
It wasn’t a large balcony, but the view was spectacular. I stood at the rail and watched the early evening sun sparkle on the water between the Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz—millions of diamonds catching the light. A breeze lifted my hair, and I turned my face toward it, closing my eyes and letting its gentle fingers sooth my discomfort. For too long now, I’d pushed aside my feelings about what was happening as I attended to what was immediately before me. It was time to pull all those thoughts and feelings out of storage and figure out how to handle them.
“There you are.” Kyle came through the door to stand on the balcony with me. He put his arm around my shoulders and leaned on the rail. “Hard to resist this view, isn’t it?”
I nodded. I didn’t want to talk.
“I love days like this,” he continued. “When there’s no fog, you can see all the way to Angel Island.”
I nodded again. I probably should have said something, but I didn’t want to talk. If I tried to have an everyday conversation, the thoughts and feelings I needed to explore would get piled back into their boxes. I needed them scattered around the floor of my mind, so I could pick them up, sort through them, and decide what to do with them.
“Does a movie sound good?” Kyle asked.
I turned to him and put my arms around his waist. I held him tightly as his arms came around me, one hand smoothing back my hair. I moved one arm up to the back of his head and pulled him toward me until our lips met. He pulled away, a question in his eyes, and I pulled him back again. There was no doubt who was kissing who.
“Does this mean yes to a movie? Or does this mean you have something else in mind?” He was teasing me, but at the moment, I had no sense of humor, no ability to tease or flirt or laugh.
I buried my face in his neck. “It means I need to go home.”
Kyle took hold of my shoulders and held me back, studying my face. “Charlotte, is something wrong?”
Yes. Everything is wrong. Every single thing. I still didn’t want to talk, but I couldn’t leave without a word. “I’m tired.”
“Are you okay to drive home?” Why did he have to be so thoughtful and kind?
I nodded and pulled away, but Kyle didn’t let go of my hand. We walked through the condo toward the front door. I picked up my purse, and Kyle grabbed his keys off the entry table. He pulled the door shut behind him and then pushed the button to call the elevator. We waited for it to climb to the eleventh floor in silence. I could feel his eyes on me every time he glanced my direction, but I didn’t dare look back at him. My mind was a mess, and until I created some order, I didn’t know how to behave.
When we reached my car, Kyle held on to my hand, so I couldn’t get the key out of my purse. He turned me toward him and put his hands on either side of my neck, his thumbs on my jaw. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” My hands moved from his wrists to his elbows and back again.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” My voice felt small.
Kyle nodded against my forehead. “I’ll call you in the morning.”
I pulled my purse off my shoulder and retrieved the key. I waved at him as I pulled into traffic, but all I felt
was sadness.
It wasn’t even eight o’clock when I got home from Kyle’s. Mia wasn’t home, and I was glad. I needed time to think. I didn’t know what time she’d be home, so I quickly changed into pajamas, brushed my teeth, and closed myself in my bedroom. I sat against the headboard and watched the sun slant across my room as it slowly fell from the sky.
I once read a book called Introduce Yourself to You. It sounds silly, but I kept thinking about one of the chapters I’d read. It had said the only way to true happiness is to know yourself—your hopes, your desires, your abilities, and your limitations.
I’ve known my hopes and desires for a long time. One of the biggest has been to find true love, someone to spend my life with. I’m looking for love that lasts forever. I want a passionate love, the kind that inspires love songs and poetry. But I also want a love that brings peace. My parents have that kind of love. No matter what happens, they calm each other and help each other through it. I can remember watching them when I was a teenager. When Grandpa Harris died, Mom just wanted to be with Dad. He held her hand through the funeral arrangements, and when they left the cemetery, Dad put his arm around Mom, and they walked to the car together. Mom didn’t fall apart. She was strong and peaceful because Dad was there.
And it worked both ways. When I was eleven, Dad lost his job. Mom didn’t cry or nag or stress. Dad was sitting at the kitchen table when he told her. She turned off the stove and walked over to dad. She stroked the back of his head and told him it was a good thing because now he could find something better. And he did. I knew someday I wanted love like theirs.
A month ago, I thought maybe I’d found it in kind and patient Kyle. When he smiled at me, it felt like the sun was shining, and when he kissed me, I imagined I could write a love song. But I hadn’t felt peace for weeks now, and if I married him, I didn’t know if I’d ever feel it again.
As the sun disappeared, and my room became dark, I cried. I let myself daydream about what I’d thought was my future with Kyle. In my make-believe life with him, the only public appearances we made were standing behind his father with the rest of the family after an election. We’d cheer at our children’s music recitals and basketball games without anyone noticing us. We’d eat at restaurants, and no one would care who we were. We’d plan family vacations and help our children with their homework. We’d live in one house, and it would be beautiful, but cluttered with books, and toys, and paints, and bicycles—all the trappings of an average life.
Missing in my daydream were fundraisers and campaign speeches. There were no second homes on the other side of the country or mean-spirited reporters trying to twist my words to hurt my husband. There were no political strategists, and we didn’t need a publicity person spinning everything we did or said. And there were certainly no paparazzi snapping pictures they hoped would ruin our lives.
It was a beautiful daydream. I lay down on my side facing the wall. There, in the glow of the streetlights, was my paper. I’d been so naïve to put a big X through the cons side. There were cons. Very real ones. Big ones. I’d thought if I ignored the cons and concentrated only on the positive, I’d be fine. But putting blinders on had made me unable to see myself. I didn’t know myself in this new world. It was time to get reacquainted. I still had the same hopes and desires. I even knew my abilities. It was time to admit my limitations.
Kyle must have been worried about me, because he called at nine o’clock the next morning. “Did I wake you up?” he asked.
“No. I’ve been up for a while.”
“Mom always said it’s bad manners to call anyone before nine on a Saturday unless it’s an emergency.”
“Your mom is a smart woman.”
Kyle let out a deep breath. “Can we talk about last night?”
“Yeah. We need to. But not on the phone.”
“Have you eaten breakfast?”
“Not yet.”
“I can pick up something to eat, and we can go to the Conservatory.”
“That sounds nice,” I said.
“Can I pick y
ou up in an hour?”
“Sure.”
The Conservatory of Flowers is one of my favorite places in the city. Part of Golden Gate State Park, the Conservatory is a giant, Victorian greenhouse that looks like an elaborate birdhouse. The grounds around the greenhouse are colorful, and the air is fragrant. It was a place that had always made me happy, and I was glad Kyle had suggested it.
When we reached the gently sloping hill in front of the greenhouse, Kyle broke out the food he’d brought—raspberry and white chocolate scones, ham and egg muffins, and orange juice. The only thing we talked about as we ate were the flowers spread out in front of us and the food.
Kyle finished eating before me, and when I’d swallowed my last bite, he broached the subject we’d both been carefully avoiding. “What happened last night, Charlotte?”
I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them. I watched a mother scold her little girl for picking a flower, then I took a deep breath and reminded myself what I’d decided sometime in the middle of the night. It was time to share exactly who I was and what I wanted with Kyle.
“First, I want you to know how much you mean to me. You’re amazing, and you’ve been so good to me. I’m glad Jayne introduced us.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” Kyle sounded worried.
I started to shake my head and then stopped. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Kyle. But I need to tell you some things, and then together we can decide where we go from here.” Kyle nodded. “I heard Devon last night.”
Kyle groaned. “I never wanted you to hear any of that.”
“I know. I didn’t want to hear it, either. But I think it was important that I did. It was a wakeup call for me. It forced me to look at what’s happening here and figure out what’s best for us.”
“Charlotte, we’re going to be fine. It’ll just take some time.”
I held up my hand to stop him from continuing. “This isn’t easy. I’ve never been good at sticking up for myself. I think that’s why my dating life has always ended up letting me down. But I want to do things right with you. I want us to say what we need to say, and I want us to understand each other. That way no matter what we decide, we can be okay.” My voice betrayed me and quavered. Kyle rubbed my back in little circles. It helped calm me, and I continued. “I’ve fallen in love with you. You’re good and kind and everything a girl could want. I knew where I wanted this to go, and I was crossing my fingers it would. But then you told me about your goals, and everything I was picturing for us disappeared.”