by White, Karey
“It’s too late, Angus. I don’t want to hurt her.”
Angus put his hands in his pockets and started to walk away. I reached for his arm to stop him. “Angus.”
He turned to look at me, but I had no idea what to say. I wanted him to hug me and tell me we would always be friends but that wasn’t fair. He had just handed me his heart, and I had shoved it back at him. What could I say after that?
“Chuck?” There was an ache in his voice that shredded my insides. I let go of his arm and looked at his feet. “I had to try.” His voice was full of pain, and he turned to go back outside.
I sat in the bathroom on the edge of the tub and cried. Mom knocked on the door to see if I was okay and I did my best to make my voice sound normal as I told her I was fine. I wasn’t sure if I was disappointed or relieved when she walked away.
I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. Was it because I had lost my best friend? Or was it more than that? I didn’t dare examine the reasons too closely because of Aleena. What kind of friend would I be if I stepped in and destroyed what she had with Angus? I didn’t even know how I felt about him, so there was no way I could justify taking him from her. Of course, I loved him. I had always loved him, but as a friend. As a confidant.
Suddenly, my entire relationship with Angus looked like nonsensical modern art with random pieces here and there that I couldn’t explain.
I needed time and space to sort things out, to figure out my own mind and heart.
I splashed cold water on my face for a few minutes. I still looked a wreck, but nothing like I had ten minutes earlier.
There were several concerned glances cast my way when I rejoined the family on the deck. I must have looked surprised when I noticed Angus and Aleena’s empty chairs because Will spoke up.
“They had to go. Angus said he had to get to the hospital.”
McKayla looked concerned and mouthed the words, “Are you okay?”
I nodded.
I listened as the conversation shifted from sports to babies to ultrasounds. Everyone expressed shock that McKayla had thrown away the envelope containing the gender of their baby. “Technically Charlotte threw it away. If she hadn’t been there, most of San Francisco would know what we’re having.” I pinned a smile to my face as the conversation evolved again and Connor asked Will when he wanted to redeem the day of home improvement labor.
“Maybe you can help him finish those beams. He’s been working on them for weeks,” Gina said.
“There were at least five coats of paint on them,” Will said. “It’s like an archaeological dig right there in my house. I wanted to finish the beams as a birthday present to myself, but they’re still not done.”
“There’s always next year’s birthday,” Dad said.
“I’ll help you finish them,” said Connor.
“I’ve never given myself a birthday present before,” I said. Suddenly everyone was looking at me. I think they weren’t sure what had prompted me to join the conversation after remaining quiet for so long. “I think maybe this year I will.”
McKayla leaned forward in her chair. “I hope it’s something good.”
“What do you have in mind?” Will asked.
“I think I’ll go to Scotland.”
Mom groaned, but Gina and McKayla exclaimed how exciting that would be.
This was the right thing to do. I needed to get away from here and where better to go than somewhere 4,851 miles away. It would be nice to see Flynn. He’d make me laugh. Maybe he could help me forget this ache in my stomach. If I wanted to, I could kiss him to my heart’s content without feeling guilty about what I was doing to two of my best friends.
Oh Angus. Why did you have to ruin everything?
“Hey, I’m sorry I missed you on your birthday.” Flynn’s smiling face filled my computer screen. “I even got up in the night to try to catch you when you got home from your party, but your computer must not have been on.”
It had been on. I had heard it when I was washing my face, but it had stopped ringing before I could get there. I had stood there looking at the screen for a few minutes before I decided I wasn’t ready to call him back. Sure, I’d just told my family I was going to Scotland, but I hadn’t felt ready to tell Flynn. Now, two days had passed, and I still had reservations.
“I was pretty late getting home. Sorry you lost sleep for it.”
“No worries. I was asleep again within minutes.”
“That’s good. Hey, I have news.” I smiled like I was really excited.
“Let’s hear it.”
I took a gulp of air. “I’m coming to Scotland.”
“You’re not playin’ with me, are ya?”
“Nope. I’m really coming. I talked to Jayne about it this morning. I just wanted to talk to you about when would be the best time. And a few other logistical things.”
Flynn grinned. “Any time is the best time, so let’s talk logistics.”
“I need to know everything. Flight information. Hotels I can stay at. Exchange rate. All that stuff.”
For the next few minutes, Flynn gave me the rundown on flights and hotels and sites I should see. His enthusiasm should have made me more excited about going, but the more he talked, the more I wondered if I was being unfair. I had no idea what his expectations would be or if he wanted anything to happen between us. I still didn’t know if I did either.
“Charlotte?”
“Sorry. What?”
“Did you even hear what I just said?”
“About golfing?”
Flynn laughed. “That was a few minutes ago. I said if money is an issue, you can stay with my mum. Or maybe even Jessie. I could talk to them and see.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. Your mom will probably hate that I’m coming. Jessie might too.”
“Naw, they won’t.”
“Flynn?”
“Yes?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Flynn looked at me through the computer, and his face became gentle.
“I know what you’re sayin’ and you need to stop worrying yourself.”
“I can’t help it. Worrying seems to be what I do best. And sometimes I don’t even know what I’m worrying about.”
“Do ya want me ta tell ya?”
We both laughed. “Just because you’ve read my mind before doesn’t mean you’ll be able to again.”
“True, but I’ll bet I’m right.”
“Fine. What’s worrying me?”
“You want to come, but you still don’t know if you should. You’re worried I’ll have the wrong idea about why you’re coming. If you come, maybe we won’t even like each other, and it might be weird. But if we do like each other, then what do we do?”
I shook my head. “Man, you’re good.”
Flynn lifted the corner of his mouth. “And you’re a little afraid of my mum. You think she might not like you.”
I laughed.
“How did I do?” he asked.
“Right on all counts.”
“If it makes you feel better, Charlotte, I’m a little worried about all of it, too.”
“Really?”
“Except for the part about my mum. I’m not afraid of her, and I know she likes me.”
I smiled. “But the rest of it?”
“See, I want ya to come. And I think we’ll be good friends. I don’t think we need to worry about weird. So let’s just take it that far and not think about what we’ll do if lightning strikes us.”
“You’re right. We can do the friend thing.”
Flynn nodded. “And if the other happens, we’ll figure it out then.”
“Thank you, Flynn. It’s a little scary how you read my mind.”
“Naw, it’s a good thing. Especially since you’re not good at sharing.”
“I need to do better, don’t I?”
“It would make my job easier.”
“You’re right. Okay. Let’s make a deal that from this moment on, we�
�ll tell each other exactly what we’re thinking.”
“And how we’re feeling.”
“Right.”
“So what are you thinking, Charlotte?”
“That you’re an amazing mind reader. And what are you feeling, Flynn?”
“Happy that you’re coming to the Isle of Lewis.”
“You’re really going?”
“Please don’t start. I’m giving you my whole Saturday afternoon, so the least you can do is not badger me.”
Will and Connor had finally finished sanding down the beams, so when I had heard Gina was gone to her parents’ and Will would be here staining the beams by himself, I had offered to come and help. Now we were both on ladders, our arms aching as we worked above our heads.
“I’m not badgering you. I’m just surprised you’re going. Mom said you told her you’re not going and then suddenly you announced you were. You just have us all confused.”
I didn’t answer. I switched the brush to my other hand and shook my arm out.
“So what changed your mind?”
“A variety of things.”
“And you’re not going to tell me?”
“I don’t want to bore you.”
We worked in silence for a few minutes before Will looked at his watch. “I thought Angus might stop by to help for a little while.”
“Really?” I didn’t want to see Angus. If I had known there was a chance he would come by, I would have gone to a movie this afternoon or stayed home and done my laundry. Or volunteered to clean up elephant dung with my bare hands. Anything not to have to face him again. If Will saying his name made me blush at the thought of that kiss, how could I possibly look at him and keep my composure?
That kiss. I had replayed it over and over in my mind since that day. The frustration and pain behind it. The feel of his lips against mine. His breath on my neck. The fact that he’d loved me since forever. It was too much. This was Angus. I needed to put it out of my mind for good or I would never be able to act normal around him again.
“It’s almost time for his hospital shift, so he’s probably not coming.”
I must have looked relieved because Will gave me a strange look. “Okay, Chuck. Spill it.”
“Spill what?”
“What’s going on with you and Angus?”
“Who says anything’s going on?” I kept my eyes focused on the beam I was staining.
“You’ve both been acting weird lately.”
“I haven’t changed. He just gets upset with me all the time these days.”
“Mmm hmm.”
Will was leaning on the top rung of his ladder watching me. When he didn’t look away, I gave him a cheesy grin. He smiled and resumed his work.
After a couple of minutes, Will spoke again. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“No.”
“Fine. Ask away.”
Will took a deep breath. “Have you ever thought about dating Angus?”
Stunned, I stared at him. “Why are you asking that?”
“I was just wondering.”
“That idea didn’t just pop into your head. Has Angus said something to you?”
Will shrugged. “I just know there was a time when he would have liked to date you.”
“Why did he tell you and not me?”
“He’s never told you?” I turned on the ladder so I was facing away from Will. He had always been pretty good at reading my face. “So he has told you.”
“Sort of.”
“But you weren’t interested?”
I groaned. “I might have been. If the timing had been right.”
“You two have always had bad timing.”
“I’m not sure it would have been a good idea even if we had perfect timing.”
“Why not?”
“Because it would probably ruin everything.”
“What would it ruin?”
“Our friendship. The whole family thing. Right now he’s like one of us. If we had dated and things hadn’t worked out, he’d probably be embarrassed to come around. It would be uncomfortable.”
“Yeah, Chuck. I don’t know if you noticed, but our birthday party wasn’t exactly calm and relaxed.” I didn’t answer. “Why do you think that is? What did you guys talk about when you went in the house?”
“I just asked him why he was being so mean and insulting lately.”
“What did he say?”
“He didn’t really have a good answer.” I rested the brush on top of the can of stain. “I need a drink. You want me to get you something?”
“No, I’m fine. Don’t duck out on me.”
I climbed off the ladder. “Why would I do that?”
“You don’t like this conversation?”
I laughed. “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”
I went to the kitchen and drank a glass of water. Will had known Angus was interested in dating me. How long had he known? Did others know? Was I the only one in the family who had been clueless?
I stood in the doorway. “Hey, Will, does everyone know?”
“Know what?”
I didn’t even want to say the words. “That Angus wanted to date me.”
“I don’t know. Probably not. We’ve always talked to each other about girls.”
I climbed back up the ladder, thinking. I had always thought Angus talked to me about girls and dating, too, but obviously he had left out one big, glaring detail.
“How long do you think this thing with your friend is going to last?” Will asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“Her name is Aleena, and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t last forever.”
“Want to put any money on that?”
“Why? You don’t think they’re going to last?”
“Nope.”
“Why not? She’s amazing and beautiful and nice.”
“Sounds like the last two or three women he’s dated.”
“Well, I hope it works. She really likes him.” As the words came out of my mouth, I realized I wasn’t sure if I meant them.
Will climbed off his ladder and moved it a few feet. “Then it probably hinges on how much he likes her.”
“Has he talked to you about her?”
“Not much.”
I felt sick inside, and I wasn’t sure where to place the blame. Was it because Will thought my matchmaking attempt was going to fail? Or was it because I was afraid it would succeed? I loved Angus and Aleena. I just wasn’t sure if I loved them together anymore.
Travelers scurried around me as I checked the monitor at the Philadelphia International Airport. My flight would begin boarding at Gate B-9 in about two hours. That gave me time to find something to eat and to start the novel I had downloaded.
“Charlotte?” I turned to see who had said my name. “I thought that was you.”
“Graham? What are you doing here?” Graham was Mia’s on-again, off-again boyfriend of the past few years. I hadn’t seen him in nearly a year.
“My brother and his wife live about an hour from here. I’m just headed home. Are you coming or going?”
“I’m just here for a couple of hours. I’m on my way to Scotland.”
“Scotland. Wow. What’s in Scotland?”
“A friend. Just going for a visit, seeing a new part of the world. Getting away for a couple of weeks.”
“Sounds fun. I wish my vacation was just starting instead of ending.” He hesitated before continuing. “How’s Mia?” He fidgeted with the straps of his backpack.
“She’s good.” I lifted my messenger bag over my shoulder and stepped away from the monitor.
“Is she still working at Pratt?”
“Still there. She got a promotion in February.”
“Good for her. Is she still running?”
“Not as much.”
Graham looked at his watch. “I don’t leave for more than an hour. Do you want to get something to eat?”
“Sure.
I’m actually starving.”
We walked until we found a kiosk that sold crepes. I ordered a turkey, cranberry and stuffing crepe and Graham chose one with strawberries and bananas. We sat down at a small, metal table under an awning that was trying and failing to look like a French street café.
“I’m surprised Mia’s not running,” Graham said. “We were going to do the San Francisco marathon. I thought she might still do it.”
“I think when you left, she lost interest. I don’t think she ever wanted to do it alone.”
“Right.”
We ate in silence for a minute.
“I know you don’t really like me,” Graham started.
I shook my head. “That’s not—” Graham held up his hand to stop me.
“Let me say this, Charlotte. I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t like me either. But I want you to know I’ve never left because of another girl.”
I put down my fork and looked at Graham. I was surprised to see how emotional he appeared.
“Listen, Graham. I don’t dislike you. I never have. But I love Mia, and I hate seeing her yanked around and hurt.”
“I hate it too.”
“But you keep doing it to her.”
Graham lowered his head. “I know. I’ve tried to stay away this time. I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I love her.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
Graham took a deep breath and let it out through his teeth. “I just don’t want to make a mistake. I’ve watched my parents get married over and over and over, and I don’t want that to be me.”
“Then don’t be like them.” I took a bite of my crepe.
Graham let out a short, derisive laugh. “It’s not that simple.”
I could tell Graham was upset, and I felt bad for him, but he was looking at things all wrong. If he loved Mia, he needed to stop hurting her. And himself. The longer we sat there, the more frustrated I became.
“Yes it is, Graham.” My voice came out more determined than I had meant for it to. In fact, it probably sounded angry because Graham looked stunned. “It’s as easy or as hard as you decide to make it. Mia’s great. She’s one of the easiest people in the world to get along with. In fact, the only time we’ve really disagreed has been when she wanted to keep giving you chances, and I thought she should move on. If you love each other, then have a little faith in each other. I know Mia has faith in you. More than I think you deserve.”