“He’s the best, you’re a lucky woman, Ivi.”
“I know.”
I hand Tyler his phone. He takes it from me, his eyes searching mine. I send him a tender smile. His reciprocating, relived boyish smile almost splits my heart in two. How can someone encompass so much into a simple gesture? His way of reaching me and telling me everything I want to hear without a word is incomprehensible. I thread our fingers together again and wordlessly start toward Big Mom’s home.
We walk in silence, our hands linked. We enter the house in silence. We take the stairs up in silence. We close the door behind us in silence.
My heart drums in my chest and it feels like electric currents roam along my skin as we walk toward each other in slow steps. The short, loaded seconds before our lips touch are full of excruciating anxiety.
“It’s easier expressing yourself with lyrics and musical notes, believe me, it’s much easier than intimately opening up to another human. My music will probably tell you more about me than I could ever say about myself.”
-Tyler Lee Adams in an interview for Billboard.
At this point in my life I feel like I’ve seen it all. I feel like I can’t so easily be caught off-guard. Like I’m in charge of my mental clarity together with my emotions.
I know how amazing Tyler is. There’s no doubt about it. But sometimes he does things that do catch me completely off guard. Leave me shell-shocked and stupidly heart-eyed dazed. Sometimes it feels like Tyler, unconsciously perhaps, controls the needle of my emotional compass. I watch him from under the bonfire’s dancing flames, my lips in an easy, blissful tilt. Tyler’s eyes shine with mirth as he, once again, fails to mimic the song the local kids are trying to teach him. Raj breaks into cute laughter when Tyler, strumming on the guitar, sings the Nepali nursery rhyme with the heaviest American accent, ridiculously twisting the words. My uncontrollable happy laughter is a product of the sweet scene taking place before me.
Grinning at them, Tyler points at his chest, “Now me, okay?” A dozen pairs of animated young eyes watch him. At Tyler’s attempt to change the song, little shorn heads shake with disapproval. When they start fussing in Nepali, Tyler holds his arms up in surrender, “Okay, okay,” he says through a chuckle. “Bossy bunch, aren’t ya?”
Long moments later when the kids finally let Tyler take a break, he joins me and a few other volunteers for some tea. So easily Tyler finds his place with these people, as if he were with us from the very beginning. I’m more than grateful that my fellow volunteers don’t give him any special treatment. From time to time there is some staring and occasional whispers, but nothing too obvious otherwise. No one has pulled out a phone for a selfie thus far, which I declare a success. Even Renata seems to curb her enthusiasm.
A couple of teas and some crumbly oat cookies later, Tyler and Mikel drown the campfire with water and then move on to mix the ashes and embers with soil as Renata and I collect the leftovers from the meal and bring it to two guys at the washing station. Not long after people file out for the night.
Not long after, it’s just him and me.
I let out an animated snort, watching Tyler as he stands in my room, which my roommates were kind enough to desert for the night. To me, he looks entirely out of place. Not to mention how the room seems to shrink by his presence. “You couldn’t look more out of place if you tried, Mr. Adams.”
He raises his eyebrows in question.
Hardly containing my amusement, I mimic Robin Leach’s voice, declaring, “Being displaced from the glitz and glam of his L.A. home leads this world renowned singer to contemplate one of life’s most pressing questions: how do common humans live?”
Slowly stepping toward me as he shakes his head, murmuring, “Kiisu, Kiisu, Kiisu — those who play with fire get burned.”
I narrow my eyes at him, licking my lips. “Tyler, Tyler, Tyler.” I add a little breathy shade and a zest of colorful sass to my voice. “Can’t wait for you to set me on fire.”
Tyler throws me half a smile right before grabbing me by my waist and lifting me to straddle him. The close feel of him against my widely spread legs robs me of my bantering abilities. Grabbing my butt, Tyler presses me against him. “You were saying,” he mutters to my collarbone while tasting it.
Dropping my head back, I whisper, “Fire.”
Gears shift in no time. Gentle nuzzling morphs into frantic kissing. With a groan that powders my belly with heat Tyler walks us till we clash with the wall, making a noticeable thud. Big Mom’s house is so flimsy that it feels like a 7.5 magnitude earthquake hit the building. I sober up, realizing just how obvious the noises we’re making are to our fellow tenants. “Tyler,” I blurt out of breath, drawing back.
Grinding against me, lips just under my earlobe, Tyler grunts incoherently.
“Tyler, we can’t.” I gently push his chest.
Adorably frowning, Tyler lifts his drunken eyes to mine.
Cupping his warm cheeks, I plant a chaste kiss on his moist lips, already mourning the loss of his delicious attack. “We can’t, these walls are paper-thin. A tiny sneeze can be heard throughout the house.”
Looking sweetly determined Tyler dismisses my protest with, “We’ll be quiet.”
I have to send my hand to his chin to remove his lips that in a millisecond magnetize to my cleavage. I gently force his face up and shake my head. “Rain check?” I go for cute. Cute doesn’t seem to work that well this time. Tyler isn’t the jolliest camper as he reluctantly sets me down.
It’s hard enough coaxing Tyler to a copulation timeout, sweet talking him to a separate bed arrangement is a vain attempt. That’s how we find ourselves facing each other with barely a sliver of space between us in one of the narrow, hard beds.
Conversing in soft tones, eyes deep in one another, I lightly stroke Tyler’s fingers. “I love the new lyrics you wrote.” I tell him.
“Had great inspiration,” he smiles at me in this intimate darkness.
Not being able to touch him like I want to makes an unyielding desire run through me, shooting currents down my belly. Forbiddance is an erotic poison.
“Your writing is so unique, it’s like magic — with just a few words you manage to tell an entire story.” I refer to lyrics that he’s been working on that he shared with me earlier.
“At first, all I heard was the riff. The lyrics came later,” he says. “In a way it’s my own view of the past few months, Jeremy and you entering my life. When I write and it all aligns — when these little moments happen . . . When what I feel deep inside shines through and it resonates with other people it’s such a rewording feeling. In a way, I’m connecting with others through my songs.”
I’m listening to him, my eyes closely following the way his lips move, the cadence of his eyes as he looks at me. As deeply as I’m absorbed in Tyler’s words, I find myself distracted, processing the messages his tone and warm body that gradually connects with mine, transmit.
I swallow hard, “Tyler,” I whisper. “You just shivered.”
His eyes are trained on mine as he whispers back in a low, loaded voice, “Yeah, that’s how much I want you.”
Tilting my head up, I press a warm kiss on his lips because I need to, because there’s nothing on this planet I want to do more than connect with this man, in every possible way I can. Our finger pads touch as we slowly scoot a little closer. And closer. Pressed alongside each other, our skin burns from under our light attire. Our kisses grow hotter and determined and it feels like he’s doing what he taunted me with earlier, setting me on fire.
My resolve to practice celibacy tonight shades off with every piece of garment we peel off our burning bodies.
“I want that in my life.”
“What, a mega gorgeous rock star? Yeah, sign me up for that too.”
“No, it’s not about who he is, it’s about how he looks at her. That. I want that.”
A hushed conversation between two younger volunteers as they sneak glances at Tyler and Ivi at breakfast.
“Kiisu, hand me the brush.” Tyler extends his hand in request, politely telling me to can it already.
A smile stretches my lips because A. he really doesn’t have to do this. B. he’s such an awesome human. C. it’s sort of amusing to watch the Tyler Lee Adams dabble with manual labor. And D. he’s such an awesome human. “Knock yourself out, Mr. Adams,” I tease, handing him one of the paintbrushes sticking out from my cargo back pockets. I shake my head in affectionate amusement, chewing on a Big Red.
“What’s so funny, miss Kert?” Tyler asks, his smiling eyes focused on my grin.
I grin wider. “You.”
It’s Tyler’s turn to shake his head in amusement. He steps closer to me, sending his hand to cup my cheek. He tilts my head up and leans in to touch his lips to mine, still smiling. As an instinct my lips part to his.
Frowning, I gape at him a moment later. “No, you didn’t just — ”
Tyler chuckles, making a whole production of chewing the gum he just hijacked from me in pretense of a kiss. “Get to work, Kiisu. Stop fooling around.” Utterly pleased with himself, Tyler grabs one of the paint cans from the pyramid of cans next to the scaffolding surrounding the school and takes a place by the wall, ready to help with the last coat of varnish.
I’m happy. Truly happy. Having Tyler around, here, in this place that humbles me and makes me feel so fulfilled just amplifies it all. Having this person that’s so special to me share this part of my life with me is not something I ever thought would happen. I’m overwhelmed by how happy it makes me to be able to share it with him. I send Tyler a goofy, I’m deeply gaga for you glance and climb to the second step of the scaffolding to reach the same height Tyler easily reaches from the ground.
We stroke the brushes along the wooden wall while Tyler hums an unfamiliar tune and I contemplate the shortening to-do list I have to complete before going back home tomorrow evening.
Steps crunching gravel pull me out of my painting meditation. “Ivi, can you give me a hand in the kitchen, just until Iva gets back. She should be back soon. I just don’t want to delay lunch. You know how cranky some of them get when food takes time.” Renata rolls her eyes.
I smile. “Sure, no problem.” I set my brush on the can and jump off the scaffolding.
I turn to Tyler who’s watching me with a clandestine smile, looking like he’s contemplating something. Something that has to do with me.
I cock my head in question. In response, Tyler’s tender smile deepens, his brows pinched somewhat enigmatic. For a prolong moment he just stares at me with this sweet, unfathomable expression. “Go on, I’ll wait here.”
With an easy conversation, I help with the food, slicing bread, stirring some soup while Renata sets out plates and cutlery for when the expected throng of hardworking, hungry people arrive. In no time Iva returns and I get back to Tyler.
Tyler watches me, yet again with that look as I take the final step to join in.
“All good?” I ask attempting to climb back on the scaffolding.
“All good,” he echoes, eyes glued to me.
Something is going on with him. I’m unable to decode the encrypted vibe he’s emitting and even though it looks to be positive it unsettles me. When I have my two feet on the second step and the brush back in my hand, I turn to Tyler about to ask, I’m not sure what I’m about to ask because the look in his eyes causes a short in my brain.
Tyler is turned my way, he seems tense. From where I stand it looks like a multitude of emotions cross his face. His lips tip at the side but he doesn’t really smile, it’s a wobbly attempt at smiling. His lips part to speak. I’m so focused on him it feels like the tension he harbors made its way to me because suddenly, I’m stiff and nervous.
His eyes run over me, from my work boots, up my faded cargos to the fleece hoodie to my neck, mouth, wary stare. “I love you.”
Stunned, I lose my bearings and fall back flat on my butt with a strangled yelp. I rub my rear looking up at Tyler who’s making a crap job of trying to hold back laughter.
He drops to his hunches next to me. With the sweetest of amused boyish smiles, he asks, “You okay?”
I nod, still unable to form words.
He sends his hand to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear that due to the fall covers my eye. Resting both elbows on his thighs, still squatting, his eyes capture mine. “So, here’s the thing.”
All I can do is blink.
“You remember the day you left me when we were in the back of my car saying good-bye?”
My brows wrinkle, and I nod. “Yes, Tyler, I do.” I wait for him to go on, utterly dazzled.
“There’s something I never told you about that day.” Tyler strokes my face with his stare.
I keep looking up at him, swallowing hard.
“Well, while you were kissing me like it was the last time you’d ever do that, I fell so deeply in love with you. Felt like you were taking my heart with you when you left.”
“Tyler,” comes out on an emotional whisper.
Tyler stands, offering me his hand. He pulls me up close to him. Threading his fingers through either side of my face he tips his face close to mine. “I am in awe of you. You amaze me and wreck me at the same time. You’re the most caring and unique women I’ve ever met. I love you, Kiisu.”
I’m choked up with emotions. “I love you too.”
Just before wrapping me in the warmest embrace, Tyler tilts my head up, and presses his lips to mine in a tender, lingered kiss.
“I’m so excited,” I tell Tyler as we make our way from the kitchen where we had breakfast to the impromptu opening ceremony a group of the volunteers arranged last night when the school was finally declared complete. “Can’t wait to see their faces when they see what we’ve done inside.”
“You guys should be proud of yourselves. You’ve done such a great job.” Tyler squeezes my waist, and leaves a kiss on my forehead.
A humble grin softens my lips. Some people join us as we take the path to the school.
Renata’s rolling laughter joins mine as we notice that even though there’s a red fabric with a bow at the main door waiting to be officially cut, some of the kids already found their way inside.
“Little nuggets,” Renata says though a wide grin.
Sounds of joy and hurried steps come out from the building. Sounds of joy. This, this is exactly what makes the hard work worth it. Helping people, bringing them up from their hardest falls. Putting smiles on kids’ lips and joy in their hearts. I’m washed with satisfaction.
I rest my hand on Tyler’s abs, calling for his attention. Tyler dips his chin to look at me. “Remember that generous check you gave me on Christmas?” I gesture my free hand at the school. “We wouldn’t have been able to complete this without it.”
Tyler nods in a humble way. “I’m glad I could help.”
It’s a quaint ceremony, if one can call it that. Some volunteers say a few words. Big Mom and a couple of parents thank us with broken English and warm hand gestures. The kids run around, touching books, looking at toys, sitting on the small rugs dotting the floor. Tyler and I watch them, holding hands, waiting to say good-bye before our flight home later tonight.
As ever, saying good-bye is bittersweet. Renata nearly suffocates me with her hug and swoons when Tyler hugs her too. Big Mom, if I understand correctly, tells me to go home and have my own kids, which makes Tyler chuckle and squeeze my waist. “I’m down with the making part, not sure about the actual outcome for now.”
This time too, leaving Raj is a bit harder because the rest of my friends go home to their pleasant lives. Raj stays where pleasant is not the stuff of day-to-day life.
On the plane back, Tyler’s plane where the two of us are bundled together on a plush seat, Tyler asks if I’m okay and I tell him all about Raj’s hard life. Tyler listens attentively, stroking my hand with his thumb. I go on, unloading my frustration.
Tyler cringes and shakes his head at the absurdity.
“I don’t know what I as an individual can do to help besides volunteering,” I continue. “But it’s clearer to me now than it’s ever been before, I want to help those who need help. Maybe make the noise for them. I want to do more, much more. I just need to figure out how.”
Tyler
I’m lost in your smell. I’m lost in the way you look at me. I’m lost in your voice whispering in my ears. You light this fire in me. Lyrics swim around in my head as I stare down at Ivi who fell asleep on my lap.
It’s such an incredible feeling, having her peacefully sleeping on me. Watching her delicate serene face, I can do this forever. I lightly stroke her silky hair.
Ivi kept on talking, riled up, fired and I’ve listened attentively though nothing she said was new to me. I know and heard it all before. I know her so well by now, everything about her, but I don’t mind her telling me it all over, again and again, because I want to hear her, talking to me, confiding in me. I want to be that person for her.
I know there’s something in her that’s evolving — a burn. I recognize passion when I see it. But I won’t intervene nor attempt to guide her in any way. She needs to figure out what and how she wants to do whatever she wants to do — by herself. I don’t want to tell her what to do, I want her it to grow from within her. For her to find her own path, just like I’ve found mine. Tread through the struggles and hinders and come out wiser. As long as it’s by my side, that is. I can’t think of an alternative. A future for us together is a future I know will be just right. I can’t imagine it any other way. Ivi, Jeremy and me. That’s my future, as I see it.
Unplugged II: Unplugged, #2 Page 10