‘You’ll be put upon by the proper nurses. Some like to look down on us, but the soldier boys will love you, lovely girl like you. That too can present problems, of course. Are you married?’
‘My husband is in France.’
The woman nodded, grim-faced. ‘Then you’ll need to match him for courage. You’ll also need boundless energy, patience and humility, an ability to put others before yourself, plus a determination to overcome all difficulties. Can you do that? Can you face seeing horrific injuries, and keep going when you’re dropping on your feet?’
‘I believe so.’
‘The honour of the VAD will be reflected in your behaviour. We are looking for women of discipline and steadiness of character, women who do not flinch when the going gets tough.’
Livia smiled even as she pulled herself up to her full regal height. ‘I have never flinched to do my duty yet, and I’ve suffered more than my fair share of difficulties.’ She spoke with some modesty of her work with the suffrage movement, her time in prison and enduring the force-feeding. Livia made no mention of losing her child as a result.
The woman had listened rapt, nodding from time to time. ‘Sign here,’ she’d said, when Livia’s tale was told. ‘We need women like you.’
Livia had returned home in a buoyant mood and began at once to make the necessary preparations.
It would mean dipping into her small savings as the uniform – comprising a navy blue coat and skirt, white blouses, gloves, a navy blue tie and hat – cost two pounds. Livia didn’t begrudge a penny of it. There were also three blue linen dresses, stiff collars, cuffs and belt, starched white aprons and caps, black shoes, and half a dozen pairs of stockings to buy, not to mention various other essentials. But there was a job to be done, and she meant to do it to the best of her abilities. What was there for her here in Kendal? She clearly wasn’t destined for children, or a happy marriage.
The next morning there came a knock on the door. When Livia answered it, she found a small boy carrying a letter, and her heart almost stopped with fear. Was this a telegram? Was there bad news of Jack already? Dear God, she hoped not, although she’d heard that Stella’s young man had been killed within the first twenty-four hours of arriving in France; a result of the blood bath at Mons, and the British were already in retreat.
Thankfully it wasn’t a telegram, merely a letter in a small blue envelope across which was sprawled large spiky letters in black ink; handwriting she could not fail to recognise. Livia’s heart turned over for a different reason now. She gave the boy a penny, thanked him for his trouble, and went back inside.
When she slit it open she saw that it was indeed from Matthew, as she’d rightly guessed. Livia quickly scanned the few short lines. He was asking her to call at the store, at her earliest convenience, as he had a matter of great importance he wished to discuss with her.
Livia was dismayed. The last thing she wanted right now was to be obliged to face the man she truly loved, the memory of whom she kept locked away in a box in her mind, never to be opened. Seeing him again at the fashion show had been bad enough. What could he want with her this time?
Livia stood in the office, the location of so many of their fierce debates and close encounters, and trembled just to look at him. This was the man she might have spent the rest of her life with, had things turned out differently. She had given him up because of her foolish pride, her loyalty to a man she no longer loved, and a child she’d later lost.
But she saw at once that Matthew was far from his usual relaxed self, his movements seeming somehow awkward as he paced the floor, not quite looking at her. His cravat hung loose about his neck and he kept running his fingers through his tousled hair in that way he had when he was distressed. She refused his offer of refreshment, wanting this meeting to be over and done with as speedily as possible.
He wasted no time in small talk, or enquiring after her health. Nor did he ask how she was coping now that her husband had been at war for several weeks. Livia took the chair he offered and he blurted it all out in a rush, as if he could hardly bear to have the words on his lips longer than absolutely necessary.
‘I wanted to tell you personally that, like Jack, I too have volunteered to take the King’s shilling.’
She felt instantly numb, quite unable to speak or even draw breath.
‘I leave on Friday.’
‘So soon?’
Grayson shrugged. ‘There’s no choice in the matter. You go when and where you’re told. As a matter of fact, I’m looking forward to getting out there and doing my bit. It’s not easy being idle and the object of suspicion.’
‘Suspicion?’
‘I see people looking at me as I cross the shop floor, or when I walk down the street. “Why isn’t he in France?” they are thinking. You can see the speculation in their eyes.’
Livia was startled by this confession. ‘You surely haven’t been given a white feather?’ These had been adopted as emblems of cowardice, sometimes thoughtlessly handed out to men who had already been sent home from France wounded, which was particularly cruel.
‘Thankfully not, but it is only a matter of time. I’m no coward, Livvy.’ He set his clenched fists on the desk that separated them and leant towards her, his expression earnest. ‘I only put off the decision because I was concerned about this business, Angel’s Department Store, which seems to have taken over my life, along with its former proprietress. That’s partly why I wanted to see you, to ask if you would mind it for me.’
The breath seemed to leave her body. ‘Mind it?’
‘I mean, would you run it for me while I’m away?’
The man’s arrogance never failed to astonish her. Did he think she’d been sitting at home twiddling her thumbs simply waiting for him to call? Livia might desire him, love him even, but no one could inflame her wrath quite so effectively as he. She was outraged.
‘You want me to take back the business you bought, practically stole from me?’
‘That isn’t quite fair, Livvy.’
She’d barely sat down for more than a few seconds, now she was on her feet as if anxious to flee. ‘You were angling for it from the moment you took the position of manager, constantly warning me that the business might not survive, that you could take it over whenever you pleased. Well, you got it in the end, didn’t you?’
Matthew sighed, knowing her temper was all smoke and mirrors. He knew well enough how Livia used an argument almost as a means of defence to shield herself against emotion, determined not to let him see how his news had devastated her. ‘I seem to remember that you offered it to me willingly after that last episode in prison. The choice was entirely yours.’
Livia felt compelled to turn away, knowing he spoke nothing but the truth. She’d wanted to erase him from her life, be rid of all sight and sound of him, the constant reminder of what she had lost. She could hardly bear even now to witness the sadness in his gaze as he looked at her. Oh, how she longed to turn back the clock and put everything right.
‘So you asked me here today to ask a favour of me, not simply to say goodbye.’
He saw at once his error and his face became a picture of complete horror. ‘Of course I wanted to say goodbye, Livvy. I can’t bear the thought of never seeing you again. Surely you know that?’
‘Do I? How would I know such a thing?’
‘Because of how I feel about you.’
‘And how would I know what you feel?’
‘You can surely tell?’
She should stop this now, Livia told herself, yet she persisted. ‘You mean that I should guess. I’ve been speculating for some long time, but what good did it ever do me? Had you spoken and informed me of these so-called feelings of yours, everything might have been very different.’
He looked at her aghast. ‘Don’t say that, Livvy. You were the one who was constantly pushing me away, claiming to be the “modern” woman, not wanting to commit to marriage. Didn’t you once explain it all to my mother at some le
ngth? Even your involvement with the suffragettes was a symptom of that need in you to be independent and free, a person no man could control. I understood, and you never changed your opinion on the subject so far as I was aware, not until the day you told me you were only marrying Jack because of your unexpected pregnancy.’
She pressed cool hands to the hectic flush of her cheeks. He was right, of course. Every word he spoke was the truth. She had vehemently resisted commitment, strident almost in her battle to hang on to her so-called freedom. She’d been afraid of loving, of giving herself to someone, of relinquishing her hard-won independence in case they destroyed her as her father had done. Joshua Angel had much to answer for. But could she blame him entirely? She should have been capable of shutting out the memories of the past, the guilt she still carried over Maggie’s suicide. She should have moved on and made a fresh start, as Ella had done.
Instead, she’d badly hurt Jack by refusing to go through with their wedding the first time around, and when she’d felt driven to marry him for the sake of the baby, she’d destroyed him.
And in the process she’d rejected the one man with whom she could have found true happiness.
The desk was no longer between them, though when he’d moved closer she couldn’t quite recall. Livia’s heart was racing and she had to remind herself, most firmly, that she was not at all the kind of woman who fainted.
‘It does no good to brood on the past,’ she announced, a determined, if false brightness in her tone. ‘We must put all of that business behind us now. What’s done is done.’
‘If you say so.’
‘Jack is a good man, and I love him.’
Matthew’s voice was low, seeming to thrum softly inside her. ‘So you keep telling me. Is it me you’re trying to convince, or yourself?’
Livia could not look at him. She couldn’t allow him to see how much she needed him, how he was a part of her very soul. Even now she longed to fall into his arms and beg his forgiveness for rejecting him. If only she hadn’t been so obstinate, so fearful of hurting Jack. In the end she’d succeeded in hurting everyone, herself most of all.
She cleared her throat. ‘I can’t help you with the store. It may not have crossed your mind but I happen to have a few plans of my own. I’ve finished my first aid course and volunteered for the Voluntary Aid Detachment. I’m not sure yet where I will be posted, but it could be anywhere: a military hospital somewhere in England, or even in France.’
He looked appalled. ‘Not at the front, surely?’
Livia pulled a wry face. ‘Women are not allowed at the front because of the dangers and the terrible sights they might see. Although it is perfectly all right for them to be bombed at home and see horrific injuries there.’
He smiled at her. ‘As feisty as ever, I see. Well, good for you, Livvy. You have my full and unstinting admiration. I can see that such a job would suit you perfectly. I’m sorry you won’t be able to take over here, but I’m sure Miss Caraway will manage perfectly well on her own.’
‘Let Mrs Dee assist her. She has a shrewd head on her shoulders, and is more compassionate with the girls.’ Livia made a move towards the door. The matter had been settled and she was anxious to get out of this stifling room before she made a complete fool of herself.
‘I’ll do that.’
She expected him to step back and open the door for her, but he continued to block her exit, standing with his hands in his pockets, his favourite stance, just looking at her. He was silent for a long moment, time enough for Livia to notice that the fan of tired lines about his eyes had got no better, worse if anything. Had she done that to him? Had she made him even more sad and lonely than before? Matthew already felt he’d lost a sister, now he’d lost her too. The sadness in his smile brought an ache to her heart.
‘We are to go our separate ways, then,’ he said.
‘It would seem so.’ The pain in her heart must surely destroy her.
‘You will write. A Tommy at the front needs to know his friends are thinking of him.’
‘Of course!’ Her tone softened slightly. Letting him back into her life was not a good idea, yet how could she refuse such a request? Then just as Livia thought she might thoroughly disgrace herself by bursting into floods of tears, he put his arms about her and drew her close to press a kiss upon her brow.
‘May I see you one last time before I leave? Dinner perhaps? Tomorrow night?’
She looked up into his beloved face and knew she should refuse. Dinner alone would not be wise. ‘Pick me up at seven,’ she said.
Chapter Twenty-Four
He took her to a quiet little restaurant in Bowness-on-Windermere, where they could look out over the lake and watch the rowing boats gently rock at anchor. A steamer was filling up with passengers, about to set out on an evening cruise around Belle Isle. The air was warm and languid and Livia could hear music playing on deck. It seemed odd to imagine that anyone could be celebrating and having fun when men were fighting and dying. Yet here she was dining out with another man when her own husband was at the front.
‘I thought you might prefer to be some distance from the store, and from Kendal.’
‘And any likelihood of people I know seeing us together and starting to gossip about us having an affair.’
‘Are we having an affair, Livvy?’
‘Don’t be foolish. I’m a married woman.’
‘I really must remember that.’ He gave her that enigmatic smile of his, and then the waiter arrived, offering fervent apologies for what was not on the menu, thanks to the difficulties in getting supplies. They ordered locally caught trout, and a bottle of Muscadet. After only a couple of sips Livia felt herself start to relax. Where was the harm in an evening out with an old friend and work colleague? There would be no more such treats for a very long time.
‘Are you happy, Livvy?’
‘How can anybody be happy when there’s a war on?’ she said, surprised and slightly discomfited by the question.
‘I need to know that you’re happy,’ he told her with heartbreaking honesty. ‘When I’m out there – in France – I want to think of you as content, to feel that you made the right decisions. I don’t ever want to see you stuck in an unhappy marriage with a drunken, unfaithful husband.’
Her head snapped up. ‘Jack has stopped drinking, and he has never been unfaithful to me. Jack needs me. That’s why—’
‘Why you married him? I believe you said as much at the time. But is need the same as love, Livvy? And do you have any proof of his faithfulness?’
‘Do you have any proof to the contrary?’ Livia was outraged by this calumny. They’d hardly been seated five minutes and already he was insulting her husband.
Matthew frowned, realising he’d offended her with his slip. He hadn’t meant to mention it, but couldn’t help thinking of the gossip he’d heard that filtered up through the chain of command in the store. How Jack Flint was known to entertain shop girls in the Wheatsheaf, and had even been seen entering the staff apartment building quite late of an evening, when he presumably believed himself to be unobserved. It didn’t take a genius to work out a reason why he might be there at that time. Particularly since a certain young woman had been going around with a self-satisfied smile on her face until quite recently. The shop girls were bubbling with it.
But while he might give the scandal credence, voicing those opinions to Livia were another matter. ‘Would you believe me if I said that I did?’
Livia glanced at him sharply and was suddenly filled with uncertainty. Was that the root cause of the recent problems between them? Was she missing something? Could Jack possibly be seeing another woman? She instantly dismissed the idea. No, it was quite impossible. Everyone knew that he was potty about her. Jack absolutely adored her and would never even look at another woman. Hadn’t that been one of the reasons why she had felt so obliged to marry him, out of loyalty for his unwavering devotion and the years they’d spent together, and for the sake of their unborn
child? She shook her head firmly. ‘No, I would treat such evidence as total fiction. I’d think it was only a ploy on your part to lure me into your bed.’
The waiter chose that precise moment to present them with their soup, and Matthew chuckled delightedly. ‘How very astute you are,’ he whispered as the man hurried away, feigning deafness.
But Livia couldn’t let the subject drop, and the moment the meal was over she asked the question that had continued to bother her all evening. ‘Why did you accuse Jack of being unfaithful? Was it really so that you could seduce me? Or have you heard something? What is this proof you mentioned?’
‘None, none at all,’ he blustered. ‘It was, as you say, a foolish male trick to win fair maiden.’
But Livia was quick to notice that he avoided meeting her gaze, that he hastily started telling her of the changes in fashion that were already taking place at Angel’s Department Store. ‘Sad to say, that for all we featured those prettily coloured gowns at the fashion show, black is already the most asked-for colour.’ He sighed. ‘Such is war. I hate to make profits out of widows so we have cut our prices of mourning wear to the bone.’
She didn’t join him in this new line of small talk. ‘I thought you were my friend, Matthew. If you know something bad about Jack, something that isn’t just silly shop girl gossip, then I’d rather you told me. I’d rather know than not.’
‘Why don’t we go to the steamboat for a nightcap? I have a delicious Madeira wine for you to try.’
But Livia shook her head. She could not trust herself to be alone with him in such a vulnerable situation. ‘Tell me the truth, please.’
He looked at her then, and with sinking heart she saw the pity in his eyes. He drew a breath and recaptured her hand upon his arm, then asked quite casually, ‘Have you spoken to your half-sister recently? Mercy has been very low since Jack left.’
‘I dare say she must be feeling bad, too. Mercy and Jack are old friends, they go way back—’ Livia stopped, to stare at him in horror. ‘Oh no, you can’t be serious? Not Mercy? Not my own sister with my husband?’
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