“You can’t what, Shalee?” he curiously probed, witnessing her alarm.
Without looking up at him, she responded, “I can’t be… your wife. I don’t know you. I don’t love you.” The words that came forth cut into his heart like a sharp blade. “You wouldn’t…” The words caught in her throat, refusing to be spoken aloud. After all, he could forcefully take her home with him. If so, a friend would be easier to deal with than a carelessly made enemy. From her observations, he actually believed she was this Shalee!
“Gray Eagle wouldn’t what?” he probed once more, needing to understand her many fears and doubts.
Compelled to know his intentions and to test his vow of love, she asked, “Would you… force me to… to sleep with you?”
“A wife always sleeps upon the mat of her mate,” he replied softly.
“But I’m not your wife!” she panted apprehensively, such news petrifying her.
“But you are,” he corrected her, lovingly stroking her tangled hair.
If she possessed the strength, she would have jumped up and fled this portentous scene; she did not. “What will you do with me?”
His look was inquisitive. Enlightenment dispelled it. “I will love you and protect you as before,” he huskily vowed.
“The same way you did when the Bluecoats injured me, if what you said is true,” she blurted out, needing to ease her tension.
The statement was like a savage blow to his heart and pride. “I was not in camp when they sneaked to our village and brought this evil with them. I would freely offer my own life to protect yours,” he vowed, his voice strained and his gaze somber. His forehead knit and his jaw clenched as his gaze fell to his lap. “Forgive me for the anguish and fear you now endure, Little One.”
Such a strange and magnetic sadness permeated him that she could not resist responding to it. She touched the large hand which rested upon his knee and spoke softly, “I’m truly sorry, Gray Eagle. I do not mean to hurt you. Can’t you understand my feelings? This whole situation is so confusing and frightening. You say one thing, but my mind says another. I cannot instantly accept such wild claims, even though I suspect you might be telling the truth. You speak of bonds and love which are unknown to me. Yet, you act as if I should fall into your arms and put my faith in you. How can I when I don’t know you?”
When his gaze lifted to fuse with hers, she read such intense anguish there. She didn’t understand why, but it irresistibly drew her to him. “Perhaps in time when I’m fully recovered from this accident, I’ll remember these things. Until then, you must understand and be patient with me. If you love me as you vow, would that be so impossible?”
He gently captured her upturned face between his hands and gazed lovingly into her entreating eyes. “Do you not understand how greatly this pains and troubles me, Shalee? Gray Eagle is also confused and frightened,” he hoarsely admitted, surprising her with his candid confession.
“Why should you be afraid?” she asked, bewildered.
“I fear your loss. I fear you will not come to love me again as before. I fear you will reject me and our son. I fear the lack of love and desire in your grass eyes. I fear the doubts and resistance I sense within you. I fear you will never recall our happy moons together. More so, I fear you will prevent new ones.”
Had she loved this intriguing man so deeply that her loss could torment him this much? Did he love her so much that he would actually die for her as he had vowed? How could one forget such powerful emotions? Pains thundered through her head. She uncontrollably screamed as she clutched at her forehead, reeling and paling from the agonizing twinges.
He caught her and held her tightly. “Shalee! What is wrong?”
“My… head. It hurts so much. I must lie down,” she breathlessly panted, the stress of this predicament attacking her injured body.
He lowered her trembling body to the mat and covered her. “Rest, my love. I will watch over you and care for you,” he said, caressing her cheek. His eyes were clouded with worry and his voice was laced with it.
“May I have some water? My throat is so dry.”
Before fetching the cool liquid, he tested her brow for a new fever. Finding none, he sighed in relief. As she sipped the water, she observed him. How could she deny his concern and tenderness? Yet there was so much she did not understand. How had she come to be married to this man?
When he stood up and left the tepee, she implausibly felt afraid and utterly alone. How could she understand this contradiction? She felt safe under his eye; yet she was frightened of it. No, not afraid of him; afraid of his words and his effect upon her. He was the most handsome and vital man she had ever seen. A curious warmth filled her as she called his face to mind. His noble and majestic visage could rival that of a king. The effect of his smile and igneous gaze inspired unknown emotions within her. His body was bronze, smooth, and hard. Agile muscles rippled when he moved. He was indeed an earthbound god. How could he possess such tenderness when he reeked of power and strength?
Each time he had touched her, the spot had burned or tingled. Why? If she truly feared and doubted him, why did he have this intoxicating effect upon her? Could the modest and naive Alisha Williams fall in love with a man so different from herself? Had she actually created a child with this arresting Indian? She struggled to bring a child’s face to her mind’s eye. She could not. If she had carried such a child within her body for months and then given him birth, why couldn’t she recall such a wonderful moment in her life?
The Indian returned. He knelt beside her and offered her a cup of some dark liquid. “Drink this; it will help you sleep. When you awaken, I will pray your mind also awakens. I love you, Shalee.”
Tingles raced over her suddenly warm body. She almost choked on the sweet liquid in the cup. She handed it to him, their hands making contact. She stared at the spot, then up at him. He captured her gaze and would not release it, drawing her deeper into the inviting pools of black magic. His head came forward and his mouth seared hers. Her senses reeled wildly at the delightful and unknown sensations that washed over her. When the pervasive and heady kiss ended, she looked at him oddly. Her fingers moved over the lips that had so gently ravished hers. She stared at them, then met his piercing gaze. “Why did you do that?”
Amused, he laughed. “Because my lips have hungered to feed there. Such loneliness has tormented me. I need to hold you, to kiss you, to make love to you. But your fear of me is too great. You would hate me for taking what my heart yearns to have. It is easier for you to resist me, for you do not recall the love and passion we shared. It grows green with life in my mind. I want you, and I dare not take you.”
Her heart and pulse raced madly as she listened to such stirring words and looked into such compelling eyes. To halt such wanton feelings, she lay down and asked, “What is your son’s name?”
Knowing she was trying to change their line of thought and feelings, he smiled and replied, “Our son’s name is Bright Arrow.”
“Yes, you told me before. What will he say and feel when I do not recognize him?” she unexpectedly asked.
His gaze grew somber. “He is but four winters old. He will not understand such things. He will feel great sadness and pain, as I do.”
“Can’t you explain this situation to him?” she reasoned, not wanting to hurt any child, especially not one who could possibly be hers.
“You are twenty-five winters old and have much wisdom; yet, you cannot accept such words when I speak them to you. How then will a small child understand and accept such words?”
“Twenty-five…” She struggled against the power of the sleeping potion, for she needed to question his claim. She could not.
“Sleep, my love. We will talk after you rest. You are still very weak. You will have much to think upon and to accept. I will remain nearby.”
Her vision was blurring; his voice was sounding far away. Soon, she was fast asleep. Gray Eagle’s hands freely roamed the body that had haunted his dream
s for many torturous days. How long would she force him to deny his cravings? It would be a terrible mistake to take her before she came to love and desire him again. But how long could he control the fires that raged within him each time he looked at her or touched her? Disgust and anger filled him as he reflected upon the moments of madness with Leah. Never again would he allow his traitorous body to betray either himself or his one love.
Slowly Shalee pulled herself up from the black depths of slumber. She sighed and stretched, feeling rested and cheerful. The moment her eyes opened, they touched upon unfamiliar surroundings. Her confusion cleared quickly as the supposed dream was accepted as bold reality. The handsome Indian left his place by the fire to come to her side, smiling. He hadn’t been a dream after all! No, he was very real, too real.
“Has the pain stopped?” he asked, lightly touching the bandage around her head. She nodded, watching him closely, recalling every word he had spoken yesterday.
His expression grave, he added, “Still, you do not know me?”
Almost reluctantly this time, she shook her head. A look of rueful resignation claimed his face. “Another sun and you will know me,” he lightly hinted, his smile returning and broadening.
“Perhaps.” She spoke for the first time, agreeing with his words.
“We must eat, then return to my camp,” he stated in a mellow and resonant voice. At her look of panic, he added genially, “Many others have mourned your loss. We must share the happy news of your return with them. Our son’s heart will sing with joy, as mine does. The Great Spirit has spared your life and returned you to us.”
As she nibbled at the roasted meat handed to her, she was relieved to realize it was rabbit. Dreading to confront a past she did not recall, she lingered over the meal. When she could stall the inevitable no longer, she returned the dish to him. He smiled warmly and held out his hand to her. She hesitated before placing her small and cold hand within his larger and warmer one.
He pulled her to her feet, then held her arms until she steadied. “How far away is your camp?” she asked, feeling she must say something to break this strange aura that engulfed them.
“Two day’s ride. We must travel slowly; you are still weak. You will need much rest and care. Come, Shalee, we must leave.”
After a few steps, her legs trembled and threatened to give way. He caught her and lifted her into his strong and strangely disturbing embrace. As if bearing the weight of a fleecy cloud, he headed for a mottled horse. “I can walk,” she argued weakly, her body burning each place it touched his.
She flushed as he gazed down at her. “Even if your legs were stronger, I would prefer to carry you,” he teased roguishly. He halted by the magnificent beast and placed her feet upon the ground. As he agilely leaped upon its back, she instinctively seized its mane to prevent slipping to the ground. As he reached for her and lifted her up to sit before him, he playfully jested, “Did I not say you were still weak? Your pride and innocence have returned. I had forgotten how your face could glow like the fire and your pride could stand as tall as mine.”
She fused a deeper red, bringing more laughter from him. “Why do you make fun of me?” she scolded him.
“I do not, Grass Eyes. My heart sings to have you within my life-circle once more. I should have realized the Great Spirit would allow no evil to steal you from my side. You are mine once more, as it should be.”
“You make it sound as if you own me!” she panted, fighting the emotions that raced through her mind and body.
“Once I owned your heart; I pray it will be so again. Until it is so, my love is great enough for both of us.”
As she retreated to defensive silence, he spoke to the two people who had saved her life and cared for her. She listened to the mellow voice whose words she could not understand. Her head jerked upwards and she asked, “Will you thank them for saving my life and doctoring me?”
He smiled. “Sha, Pi-Zi Ista,” he replied in Sioux.
“What?” she asked in ignorance.
He laughed in good humor and clarified, “Yes, Grass Eyes. It is good to see you have not changed in many ways. I will speak the words of kindness for you. Later, I will teach them to you again.”
She smiled and thanked him. Before realizing what she was saying, she stated honestly, “You don’t know how glad I am you can speak my language. I would be terrified if we couldn’t communicate.”
His chest rumbled with laughter. “Such a skill was how I first learned of your love for me,” he informed her between chuckles.
“I don’t understand,” she murmured, intrigued.
“For a long time, you did not know I spoke the white man’s tongue. You told me many secrets about Shalee and her love for Gray Eagle,” he jested, his onyx eyes dancing with merry mischief.
His words increased the mystery. “Why didn’t I know you could speak English?” she probed, baffled by his reaction.
Her innocent question had a curious effect upon him. She felt him tense as he stated in a tightly controlled tone, “We will speak of such times later. We must ride.”
As if some mask had been placed over his features, she could not pierce the suddenly stoic expression and forcefully blanked eyes. It was obvious he didn’t want to answer that particular question. Why? What was he hiding? Why had he abruptly placed a guard upon his lips and face? Twinges of suspicion flickered over her mind; yet, they refused to land long enough to be viewed.
As they rode off, she asked, “Why won’t you answer my question?”
He glanced down at her. “Many things happened long ago, things you would find hard to understand until I can tell you all. First, you must have time to gain strength and to witness my love since you cannot recall it. When the time is right, I will tell you all you wish to know.”
Having no choice but to rest against his powerful frame, she fell into the arms of deep thought. What would she find hard to understand? What memories did he fear to revive or repeat? Why did he need to evince his love before revealing their past? Calling to mind the tales of this wilderness and the Indians who lived in it, the reality of her being white and his being Indian struck home.
She bolted upright and panted, “We didn’t meet as friends, did we?”
Shocked at her accurate guess, he couldn’t master his emotions or expressions quickly enough to prevent her from viewing them briefly. “We met as… enemies?” she couldn’t help but ask at his guilty look.
If he lied now, she would know it. He couldn’t risk casting doubts upon his honor and verity. “Yes, Shalee, we met as enemies. But our love overcame our differences; it was stronger than the white man’s hatred for me, for such feelings never lived within your heart. Even now when you do not recall me, such hatred does not live there,” he stated with confidence, touching her chest near her madly racing heart.
Shalee’s next thoughts were too swiftly pursuing the truth of his first words to allow his last ones to sink in. He captured her chin and forced her eyes to meet his. “Is that not still true?” he tenderly demanded, his stoic mask falling away as he struggled against the dread that filled him.
“Of course I don’t hate you,” she replied, drawing a rush of air from him. Had he been holding his breath in anticipation of an affirmative reply? “When we first met, did you hate me?” she boldly ventured.
“No. But I fiercely resisted the feelings you instilled within my heart and body. I had not known the love of a woman before you. I did not understand the strange way you made me feel or the thoughts that entered my mind. I resented the weakness I felt for you, my foe, for I did not understand it. But the time came when the Great Spirit opened my eyes and revealed such things to me. From that day to this one, I have loved no other woman. The Great Spirit showed me that my love for you did not bring defeat or weakness to me. It brought great joy and pleasure. I have loved you more than words can explain, Shalee. When I feared you dead, it was like taking the air I breathe, the food that gives me strength, and the heart that gi
ves me life. Do not ask me to speak of those first days when I resisted this love and desire for you.”
“You think I would hate you if I learned the truth, don’t you?”
His troubled gaze looked upwards and he inhaled deeply with great difficulty. “Yes, Shalee. Without the protection of your love, you could not understand such times,” he confessed unwillingly.
“Then do not repeat such tormenting events. If we met as enemies, then fell in love, we both must have changed greatly. I should discover you as the man you are now; show him to me. If it is to be, he is the one who will earn my love this second time,” she offered, feeling she could do no less.
His eyes squeezed shut as he exhaled loudly. She did not refuse his possessive embrace, for he seemed to need this small show of comfort and understanding. Understanding? The word boomed across her mind as ominous thunder before a storm. Was she being understanding? Or was she only thinking of her own feelings? If what he said was true—and she could not disprove it— surely he was suffering too. She was not the only one affected by her loss of memory! How would she feel under these same circumstances? What if the husband she loved had suddenly returned from the grave, but could not remember her? Their love and life together? Their child? What if he acted as she was now behaving? Yet could she behave any differently? No matter the truth, to her they were all total strangers! Still, she must be fair to him. Surely she owed him that much, a chance to prove his claims?
Gray Eagle was thinking along these same lines, but from the opposite point of view. Shalee had endured much and her mind was confused. He must be loving and patient. He must earn her love once more, as she had challenged. A new challenge, a heady and stimulating one, a desperate and priceless one, a provocative and enlivening dare: to win her love a second time….
They rode in relaxed silence for a long time, each caught up in similar thoughts. Off and on, Shalee dozed in his arms. But when she had reasoned upon the matter at great length, she decided she must have loved this appealing man greatly to forgive the sufferings he had subtly hinted at, and to marry him and bear his son. He was magnetic and compelling, but could she fall in love with him? A second time?
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