“While I talked with White Arrow, a suspicion entered my mind. When I make love to you, are the signs not visible upon your body, upon mine? Can you make love without lingering evidence? There were no traces of betrayal upon my body that night or the next sun. I could not have taken her. She lied. She seeks to entrap me with my loss of memory. If I had not been drugged that night, I would never have envisioned her as you. But the Great Spirit guarded over our love and my honor; He cleared my mind before I could commit such an unforgivable and offensive deed. If she carries a child, it is my father’s,” he finished, feeling that he had unraveled the puzzle for her.
Bitterness tinged his voice and hostility gleamed in his dark eyes as he voiced aloud Leah’s near victory at his expense. Like some intrepid badger, he was cunning and utterly fearless. He attacked any enemy without heed of its size or power. He was confident and relentless. An animalistic and sensual wildness pervaded Shalee’s emotions. He was as skilled in battle and as aggressive as nature’s counterpart in the awesome and defiant badger. He was alert and agile, his body attuned to danger and triumph. He wisely tolerated the presence and existence of those who did not challenge his life or territory. He was proud and self-assured. But he could be just as ruthless and deadly as that furry, four-legged, solid warrior of the forest.
Yet, he could be as gentle and protective with his own as that dauntless creature of Nature. Unlike the badger, whose sole interest was in its survival, Gray Eagle was complex and compelling. Even after all these years, an intangible aura of dark and provocative mystery cloaked him. Would she ever totally understand this magnificent creature who had stolen her heart on first sight, who had given her life such meaning and happiness? His very essence offered vivid perceptions of warning and matchless prowess. His truculent equal in the animal kingdom did not possess any edge over him. His stance and air boldly announced his invincibility and obstinance. His potent stare exposed cunning and control. She doubted it was possible for either to be defeated but once, for only death could end such a reign of indisputable strength.
As if by some godly power, he seemed to reach into the heavens and snatch Leah’s ominous cloud from over his head. Shalee absently wondered if this was the first occasion when he had exhibited himself to her as a mortal man, one with flaws and weaknesses. During this episode with amnesia and Leah, Shalee had glimpsed a facet of him that she had never viewed before. He was not perfect or all-powerful. He was as human as all other men. Was that the crux of her dilemma? Had she been holding him upon some irrational pedestal? Was she judging and treating him unfairly for this one slip? Perhaps that was it; she hadn’t believed him capable of an error.
“Why do you remain so silent, Shalee?” He finally questioned her moody reflections and lack of response.
She inexplicably smiled. The fever of brief weakness had passed; he was himself again. She could feel it and witness it. God, how she loved and desired this vibrant creature. She must deal with her jealousy and resentment quickly. “I am a woman, my husband, and women are often foolish creatures. Perhaps you are innocent in this matter. But a careless or accidental mistake hurts none the less. Soon, all will be good between us again. But the matter of Leah must be settled first.”
“Leah means nothing to me, Grass Eyes. Why do you fear her and let her come between us?” he inquired in frustration, stung by her lingering doubts. He captured her hand and brought it to his lips to kiss its tips.
The unconscious action sent tremors over her body. “I did not place her between us, my love,” she softly accused.
“I did not, Shalee.” He tenderly declared his innocence.
“Whether you intentionally allowed it or Leah’s cunning forced herself between us, she is there all the same. Not just once did she almost tempt you to replace me, but three times. After the first time why did you not see her lusty sport and prevent the next two incidents? That is what I cannot understand and accept. Do you even realize how long you wavered in her power by the river? How difficult it was to resist her? That hesitation haunts me.”
“But I did not yield!” he stormed in rising annoyance.
“Do you recall a day long ago when I was your captive and two white trappers tried to rape me in the forest?” she mysteriously asked.
Her meaning lost on him, he nodded, but queried, “What does that day have to do with this one?”
“You were away from camp, as I was when Leah began her sport. White Arrow was the one who rescued me and comforted me, as Leah offered you devious comfort when you were suffering. When White Arrow carried me to your tepee in his arms, do you recall the mistrust and jealousy that flooded your heart when you witnessed our innocent contact? For a long time you watched us and suspected more than friendship between us. If you could suspect your best friend and brother of such treachery, why are my doubts about Leah so hard to comprehend? White Arrow but touched me in protection and affection, but your contact with Leah was so much more. If that time had been like this one and you were believed dead and then returned without memory of me, how would you feel if the scene by the river had taken place between me and White Arrow? How would you feel to learn there were other times when he pursued me and touched me in such an intimate manner? What if I had wavered and hesitated before refusing him? Would you have no suspicions about me in your mind? Would my brief weakness deny any wounds to your heart? If you stood in my place, how would you feel?” she softly challenged, sending her points home like tiny arrows.
In frankness, he replied quietly, “I had not reasoned in such a way. You are right, Shalee; my jealousy would be limitless where you are concerned. If you but wavered for the flicker of your grass eyes, I would be tormented. I wish you had not viewed my shame and weakness. I have proven unworthy of your love and trust,” he unexpectedly admitted, his tone and gaze odd and alarming. “My body is soiled and cannot touch yours until I purify it. I must seek a vision from Wakantanka to learn what must be done to remove the stain from my face. If I cannot prove worthy of the return of your love and trust and remove Leah’s evil from between us, you will be free to leave me. Once I held you by force and then by love; now, I do neither.”
Shalee was frightened and perplexed by his sudden change of mood, a drastic and ominous one. Until her explanation, he had held Leah to blame for his weakness. Now, he was faced with the realization that he had dishonored himself and her. He was a stranger to defeat and weakness; to learn that he was actually capable of both tortured him in a way that she dreaded to analyze. The ensuing silence was staggering. She jumped as some mystical door slammed loudly and perilously between them. He knew, as well as she, that he had tumbled from his lofty pedestal. Perhaps for the first time ever, he was comprehending that he was a mere man, after all. It was oppressively clear he did not like the image he was perceiving of himself, a tarnished image that she had exposed to him. He was mentally struggling to accept the heavy weight of his guilt and diluted prowess. Her words had savagely flogged his immense pride. Did he resent her for revealing the extent of his injury, his careless downfall?
An eerie sensation tingled over her body. Why had she trampled upon his manly ego to appease her own pains? She had ripped at his self-respect, practically telling him he was truly unworthy of her and her love. Why? That wasn’t true at all! The glacial reserve and stoic stare before her sent ripples of sheer terror through her. She had cruelly rejected him and denied him forgiveness. The blow was awesome and destructive.
He had dropped her hand from his grasp. He was standing legs apart, hands on hips, head bent forward, and shoulders defiantly erect. An intense scowl furrowed his brow and squinted his eyes; his body was rigid, moonlight caressing the bronze frame. His jaw was set and his teeth clenched. She wondered what he was thinking and feeling.
She laid her cold hand upon his bulging upper arm and she whispered, “Wanmdi Hota, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you this way.”
“I earned such punishment, Shalee. Your revenge was deserved,” he remarked
in a controlled tone of ice, his mind far away.
“Revenge?” she echoed in disbelief. “I was not seeking revenge. I was only trying to explain my feelings, to make you understand,” she apprehensively vowed.
“You have done so, Shalee. Your thoughts and feelings are clear. I must go now,” he suddenly stated, turning to leave her standing there with a dazed mind and an aching heart.
Fear raced through her; her stomach knotted. “Wait! Where are you going?” she quizzed in panic, grabbing his arm to halt his departure.
Without meaning to do so, he jerked his arm free and snarled harshly, “I must seek a place to cleanse my mind and body of this evil and defeat. I will not return until I succeed,” he indifferently announced, to her dismay.
“Leave? You cannot! How can we settle this matter if you go away?”
“How can we settle any matter until I free myself of this shame?” he parried in a tight voice.
“You don’t understand! I don’t want to leave you or lose you! I only need time. Please. Where will you go? What will you do? For how long?” she anxiously demanded.
“For the first time since your attack by the Bluecoats, I understand many things. I had thought our love pure and safe. It is not so. I also need time. I will go into the mountains and cleanse myself. I cannot seek you again until I find myself. I will remain there until such time as I do. You said you did not desire me now. Do you want me to stay because you only fear to lose your husband and life here?” he asked, his gaze accusing and piercing.
Tears sparkled in her eyes. She gaped at him. What was happening to him, to them? “How can you speak such cruel and false words? I love you,” she vowed in an anguish-riddled tone.
As if unmoved by her claim and sadness, he stated, “Love is more than words, Shalee. To speak them is not enough when actions disagree. Love offers understanding and forgiveness, not revenge and rejection. You once said I loved you and accepted you only when it was easy and peaceful, that my love and acceptance wavered in times of trouble. Is that not true of you this moon? When I need your love and help the most, you refuse it. Is your love so great after all?”
Stunned, she simply stared at him for what seemed an endless and racking span of time. “Why are you doing this to me? Why are you making me the villain in this deed? I did not inspire this situation, but I’m trying to understand it. Are you blaming me for your moments of weakness because I pointed them out to you? You speak of revenge when none exists in my heart. You claim I am rejecting you just because I need time to heal? Why do men always think sharing sex solves all problems, that it magically proves love? After all that has taken place, I’m to swoon upon your mats because you desire me and want to prove your prowess over me? What about my feelings and desires? Do I yield to prove some point when my heart is not in it? The joining of bodies is not a physical thing for me; it is the total giving of myself. To do so when my heart is ravaged would be a lie. Must I prove my love with a deception? It is you who seek punishment and revenge, my husband, for what I foolishly revealed to you! Your resentment is so great you cannot bear to look at me or be near me; you run away as some coward to avoid me,” she shouted angrily, not meaning half of what she was saying in her distraught state.
The moment she uttered the word “coward,” the tormenting conversation went awry. It didn’t help matters that Shalee had converted to English somewhere along the path of her verbal tirade. His ego already sorely bruised, her unwitting word struck him like a physical blow. He painfully seized her forearms and shook her. “You dare to call Wanmdi Hota a coward! I do not run from any danger or problem. I go to cleanse my body and heart.”
My God, what was she saying? Why were they shouting such terrible words at each other? Instead of talking, they were hurling stinging and false insults at each other! “I didn’t mean it like it sounded,” she said hurriedly, attempting to halt the flow of this raging conversation. “Coward doesn’t mean the same to me in this case as to you. I only meant you were leaving when we needed to be together to talk.”
Her explanation only slightly softened the sting of her barb. “It is best I leave soon, before we fire more painful arrows at each other which will be impossible to remove or to heal,” he stated stoically.
She flung herself into his arms. “Do not go away, Wanmdi Hota. Please, not now. I’m so afraid I will lose you if this trouble brews within you.”
His own mind in a vicious turmoil, he couldn’t offer her the solace and encouragement she begged for. They both needed time alone. “I will return as quickly as possible, Shalee, but I must go for both our sakes. If we continue to rip at each other this way, we will destroy our love and peace.”
She was surprised to suddenly realize she desperately wanted to make passionate love to him here and now. How absurd, after just telling him sex was not a panacea! But her words did not match her feelings! Could it be that joining their bodies somehow joined their hearts and souls, somehow soothed their troubled waters, forged them in some magical and special way?
She looked up at him. “I promise not to speak another cruel word to you. It was wrong of me to salve my wounds by giving you injury. I love you, Wanmdi Hota. I swear it with all my heart.”
“This matter has revealed many unknown things to us, Shalee. Our love has been blind and selfish. We must think upon these things that threaten our love, which cause us to fear its loss. Fear is not good. We must conquer it and our mistrust. A separation will open our eyes and minds to the truth.”
“Do you love me?” she helplessly asked.
His eyes went upwards, his silence searing her soul. His fathomless gaze returned to her pale face and misty eyes. “Yes, Shalee, but all is not right between us.”
“If we love each other, isn’t that the most important thing?”
“You spoke of time alone and I think it best for now. It troubles me our love is not strong enough to conquer this evil that has entered our life.”
Was it his pride or guilt speaking through his sensual lips? Why couldn’t he take her into his arms and make everything right again? Was the breach widening steadily and uncontrollably between them? He was right; something was terribly wrong. “My love is strong enough to forgive and to forget these past moons, my husband. Are you saying yours is not?”
“You confuse me, Shalee. When our talk began, you turned away from me and asked for time. Now, you act betrayed because I agree. There was no forgiveness earlier. Where did it suddenly come from? You claimed Leah was between us and our love was weak. Now, you say it is strong and safe. It cannot be both ways, nor change so quickly.”
“I was upset and hurt; I was jealous and angry. As I talked with you, many things were revealed to me. I was wrong about many of them. I lashed out to hurt you as you hurt me. I don’t want it to be like this.”
“When I accused you of desiring revenge, you were angry and denied it. Yet, you now say you wished to punish me. It is wrong for us to spite each other.”
Her gaze walked over his unyielding expression. “You don’t want to understand my side, do you? You want to cleanse yourself, but what of me? To punish yourself also punishes me. Let it be over now, Wanmdi Hota,” she entreated earnestly.
“The trouble between us or our love?” he asked for some strange reason.
“If you must ask such a question, the distance between us is greater than either of us realizes. I freely offer you my love, my forgiveness, and understanding. If that is not enough to remove the wedge between us, then seek your answers and needs where you must,” she surrendered in a ragged voice, her lips and chin trembling. “Go and find your answers alone since I cannot supply them.” She turned away, unable to gaze into his face.
How could he offer himself to her when he was stained? First, he must purify himself. Then, he must find her again. “I will return when it is done, Shalee,” he quietly stated, hardly able to resist seizing her and crushing her in his arms. The matter must be resolved, not buried. Such hidden deeds had ways of unearthin
g themselves and returning to haunt a person. “I will ask White Arrow to watch over you and our son until my return. You must also search and cleanse your heart.”
“If you go away at this time, Wanmdi Hota, things might never be right between us again. We must remain together to solve this problem,” she coaxed just above a whisper. She remained with her back to him, tears easing down her cheeks to drop unchecked upon her dress.
“Things are not right between us now, Shalee. Time and distance will help us to see things clearly and to heal our wounds. I must go,” he declared in determination.
Why was he refusing to open the door that separated them? His ways were still strange to her. How could a sweating and praying ritual solve these types of emotional problems? Could guilt and shame be drawn from a body as easily as perspiration? How could he believe it was truly possible to cleanse his soul with such a physical ceremony? But he did, as was his custom. He would go and find some secret and dark place to entrap himself with steam from hot rocks and clear water. He would sit and chant under the influence of the pezuta yutas as sweat oozed from his stalwart frame. He would think, and reason, and pray. But all the while, she would be here alone, suffering and dying inside. She felt so vulnerable and powerless, for she could say and do nothing to change who and what he was.
“I go tonight, Shalee,” he cut into her thoughts when she remained quiescent. “I will prepare to ride.” He made no attempt to touch her or to bid her a reluctant farewell. He feared if their bodies made contact, he would not be able to do what he must. Why did she not say goodbye to him? Why did she remain so quiet and still? Did she understand him and his ways at all? Why was she acting as if he was deserting her? In many ways, they were as different as night and day, as the green forest and the barren desert. “Do you wish to speak before I leave?” he politely asked.
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