Unanswered questions tumbled around her mind at a rate of knots as she stared at the open bag of crisps on the coffee table. He could have re-directed her post as he had been doing since she left but instead he chose to bring it. Why had he come? And, if the blonde was just a one night stand why did he go crazy when she tackled him about her. Rebelliously she took a crisp out of the packet and snapped it in half - it was blatantly obvious by his actions kneading the bread that he still fancied her, and after all, he was the one who had started it. So, if he was having a serious relationship with the blonde he certainly wouldn't have behaved like he did. Tim was many things, she reasoned, but he was always loyal and steadfast to the people he cared about. She supposed she could sit here all night trying to second guess his state of mind; but did he really want to be with her again? Was delivering the post just an excuse to open contact between them and had he really been missing her but was too proud to admit it?
The telephone rang again and she screened the call getting ready to snatch the receiver up if it was him. But it was Lisa, and feeling crap once more she let her leave a message. She'd call them both tomorrow and do something nice for them to salve her conscience, but for now she just wanted to be on her own to think things through.
Swiping a tissue out of the box she blew her nose and remembered the intimate feel of his hands on her breasts and the way he'd breathed his desire into her ear making her feel faint with longing for him. ‘Oh Christ, he had looked so sexy!’ she wailed aloud. It had been fantastic to be with him again and she hadn’t realised just how much she’d missed him until she’d actually felt his hands on her again. So much for her determined new resolve she moaned miserably, it had been shattered the minute she’d looked into his eyes.
And, she sobbed, on what planet had she been living for the last two months that she'd been able to move forward with her life when he wasn't in it? She decided that if a shrink was listening to her they’d tell her she'd been in denial and had let the horrible latter weeks of their relationship overshadow the previous months of happiness. Maybe she’d been blotting out her true feelings and was now grieving like she should have done when it first happened? The flood gates opened with big, hot tears running down her cheeks. She simply couldn’t bear the thought that she’d lost him for ever - he’d been her everything and up until the last few weeks or so it had been the happiest time of her life.
She thought back to when they’d first met and how she’d told her mum, “I love every minute I’m with him and then when he leaves I start tingling with excitement thinking of the next time I’ll see him.”
Her mum had mused. “Well, Katie, believe it or not, I used to feel exactly the same with your father.”
Katie had laughed knowing she’d finally crossed the imaginary line between being single and part of a couple.
She’d felt so important having someone in their bed waiting to put his arms around her and had tried to explain to Lisa and Sarah how the passion between them hadn’t been gradual - she’d been wildly in love with him from the first week. She remembered the things they'd done for each other in bed that had made her head spin and how everyone, especially her mum, had commented upon the boost to her confidence. She’d known in herself it had been staggering.
The CD finished and she removed it remembering how they’d first smooched to the song at a club and the next day he’d bought the CD for her. That day had also been the first time he’d said the three magic words, I love you. When they’d first moved in together she’d loved his genuine open personality, his consideration for everyone, his loyal decent values and how she’d always felt she could trust him completely. Was it possible that their last few awful weeks together had erased his good qualities from her mind? Deciding she’d definitely been guilty of this she knew for certain that deep down in her heart she was still in love with him. Oh God, she cried, she wanted him back so much it hurt and ached in places she didn’t know existed, and how on earth was she going to find the strength to carry on without him?
Sitting upright on the settee she didn’t bother to wipe the tears away she let them drip off the end of her nose and decided that any other man she might meet would always come second best to him. Wrapping both her arms around herself she moaned as though she was in physical pain, rocking herself backwards and forwards. How could she have just walked away from him without trying again to put things right between them? And what did she have left in life now he was gone? When she tried to imagine the years ahead her mind was in a blind panic - it all looked very black and scary. Christ, she was being so pathetic and shameful as it was, she knew if he turned up at the door now she’d crawl along the floor and beg to be given another chance.
The tinkle of an incoming email on her mobile made her sit up and grab it from the coffee table - was it him? Was he going to try and explain what had happened? But her insides plummeted when she saw it wasn't his email address. It was an invitation to accept a contact from an old friend on facebook, and she gaped at the name, Phil Jenkins. It had to be about ten years since she’d heard from him or the crowd at university and she let her mind drift over the memories of their antics in the halls of residence, and then realised those were the times before she’d even met Tim.
She picked the bottle up to pour another glass of wine but something inside her snapped, and she put it back down with a thud. Wiping her wet face she began to wonder how one person could have such a massive impact on her life. For years she hadn’t known he existed and then once they’d met, that was it, her whole life had changed, and now here she was not being able to imagine life without him.
She banged her fist down onto the bag of crisps in temper and then began to pace around the room getting into a stride. Yet, she had lived without him – she’d worked hard, played squash, had girlie holidays and flings with other men. She’d never seen him then, nor heard his voice, nor smelled or touched him, but once they were together then the life she had loved, had enjoyed and thought was fulfilling, suddenly wasn’t good enough anymore. And of course, she had been coping on her own for the last two months, although she realised now she'd been in denial, but nevertheless she’d survived, hadn't she?
Meandering into the kitchen she looked out of the window. ‘Damn him!’ she cried opening the fridge door and looking for something to eat. Spotting a big piece of cheddar cheese she immediately felt her spirits lift with a memory from the days before she had met him. She was galvanised into action and strode purposely into the bathroom, stood under a hot shower, scrubbed her hair with shampoo, and dug out her old tracksuit. She would build her business up, she determined, and would take great delight in the things she’d always done before meeting him - starting with toasted cheese.
Humming softly she grated the cheese into a bowl and mixed it with a huge dollop of mayonnaise - the fresh dairy smell filled her nostrils while she remembered how she used to call this her blues-chasing supper. Her stomach grumbled now with hunger and she scolded herself for the earlier pathetic behaviour. She turned the grill onto medium and lightly toasted both sides of the bread and then heaped the cheese mixture onto each piece spreading it gently with a knife before re-placing them under a low heat.
Peeping under the grill she saw the two pieces of bread with mounds of cheese gently bubbling and melting, and her mouth watered at the sight of it. She brewed a large pot of tea, set her old cup and saucer for one onto a tray, and just as there was a few light brown spots on the top of the cheese she lifted them out onto a plate.
Sitting back on the settee with the tray on her knee, she poured the tea, flicked the TV on and took her first bite of the toasted cheese. The toasted edge of the bread was crunchy and the mix was hot - it was so cheesy it made her lips tingle with pleasure. She swallowed it down quickly and took another bite, but this time the cheese tangled into a long string stretching from the toast to her mouth. And smiling to herself she helped it into her mouth with a finger, which of course meant she then had to lick the oily traces f
rom her fingers. Wow! That tastes soooooo good, she thought, sinking comfortably back into the settee and tucking her legs underneath her bottom.
Her old tracksuit felt familiar, warm and cosy while she mentally made a plan of action for the next day starting with calls to Sarah and Lisa. And, maybe she'd get in touch with Phil? After all, Tim certainly wasn't living a life of celibacy so neither, she decided, would she.
Chapter Twenty- Two
"Sounds fab," Katie said excitedly. "I’ll make some bites to eat and get a bottle of champagne." Ending the call on her mobile to Sarah she decided this would be the perfect opportunity to make it up to her friends and hurried into the kitchen to check her supplies. Considering it was only the last few days of March it was unusually warm and Sarah had suggested getting out of the city for the day and heading down to Brighton beach for some much needed fresh air. And Katie decided as she hadn’t seen them for a couple of days this would be the ideal time to tell them about Tim.
Wandering around the cash and carry she stocked up on essentials, detergent, bleach, kitchen rolls, and J-cloths and then called into Waitrose where she bought fruit, chocolate, strawberries, and a bottle of Moët & Chandon champagne.
Leaving the supermarket with the bottle tucked under her arm she struggled to read a text from Lisa. Apparently she had her boss’s convertible car for the drive to Brighton which meant that even if they got stuck in busy traffic at least they'd be cool and comfortable. Lisa had also asked Katie to keep the food a secret until they got there so it would be a delicious surprise. Smiling at the text she headed towards the car and loaded her groceries onto the back seat knowing full well that Lisa would love the white chocolate strawberries she was making for her. She could never understand why some people thought cooking was a chore to be avoided because she loved to see her friends enjoying the food she cooked, and the pleasure on their faces was always well worth the effort. Remembering a quote she’d once read which stated how satisfying it was to be the provider she smiled wondering if she too was becoming a mother hen like Sarah.
She began cooking the minute she walked into the flat and didn’t finish until late evening. She made mango & passion fruit smoothies which would be cool and refreshing to drink on the beach and a large frittata with peppers and tuna because this was just as delicious cold as it was hot. Sarah’s favourite muffins were almond, lemon & blueberry and she diligently made a batch revelling in the lovely smell when they came out of the oven. If they didn’t manage to eat them all tomorrow Sarah could take what was left over to nibble at in her studio the following week. Finally, while she waited for the muffins to cool she hulled and washed the strawberries, melted the white chocolate in a small bowl over a pan of boiling water and lined a tray with greaseproof paper. Dipping each strawberry separately into the melted chocolate until they were three quarters coated she laid them carefully onto the tray and placed them into the fridge.
The next morning she woke early, showered and dressed in white pedal-pushers and T shirt and had the bags packed and ready when Lisa pulled up outside in the convertible. They loaded the cool bag and picnic hamper into the car and amidst whoops of laughter and here-we-go chants, Lisa pulled off down the road and out towards the M25 leaving the city behind them.
Sitting in the front next to Lisa, Sarah selected an Amy Whitehouse CD. "Is this OK?" she asked them both. "Or there's Dido?"
"N...no!" Katie stuttered, alarmed at the memories from the day before. "Sorry, I mean, this is fine, Sarah."
"OK, what’s up?" Lisa asked, looking at her through the rear view mirror.
"Up?" Katie queried, although she knew what Lisa meant.
Sarah half turned in her seat and raised an eyebrow. "I think Lisa is implying that there's something wrong that you're not telling us about?"
Katie looked at them, realising that to try and keep what had happened with Tim from them was futile because they were like sisters and always seemed to know exactly what she was thinking.
"All right, all right," she moaned begrudgingly. "I do have something to tell you both but we'll wait until we get there because Lisa needs to concentrate on driving."
Lisa nodded in agreement and seconds later swore loudly when the guy driving behind her overtook at such speed he practically grazed the side of the car.
"Wanker!" she screamed after him and they both burst out laughing when Sarah with outstretched arms did the actions to match the insult.
"Sarah!" Lisa shrieked, "I didn't know you even knew hand signals like that?"
"Well, I haven’t hung around with you two for the last five years without learning anything," she quipped.
"Glad to have been of service, your ladyship," Lisa mocked slowing down to join a queue at traffic lights on the M23.
Sarah, obviously delighted to be thought of as uncouth as her friends laughed out loud.
"And," Lisa said teasingly, "I have to tell you both about another wild night with Adam and show you the photographs on my phone - what a hunk!"
Katie asked, "Adam? I thought you went to the party with Jason?"
Throwing her head back she laughed. "I did but he was so boring I ditched him after an hour and went home with Adam to a night of the best sex I can ever remember – it was even better than the first one."
She glanced sideways at Sarah judging her reaction and then grinning mischievously, she added, "Well, you know the old saying, once you’ve had black - you never look back!"
"Oh Lisa, but Jason is so cute and nice, and available," Sarah offered, shaking her head disapprovingly.
Lisa snorted and put her foot on the accelerator when the traffic started to move. "Exactly, who the hell wants nice? And if you think he’s so cute you should try going out with him and being bored to death."
Sarah persisted. "But, Lisa, you should be thinking more long term now and not wasting your time with one night stands," she said patting her bare knee beneath pink denim shorts. "You’ll never find your Mr Right doing that?"
Katie intervened, "Maybe Lisa's not looking for him though, Sarah."
Lisa slowed a little and drove with care through the sleepy village of Eastdean and veered south along the coast road heading to Birling Gap beach.
"Er, Sarah," Lisa teased. "You don’t honestly believe you’re going to meet this Mr Right, do you?"
When Lisa easily reversed the car into a space in the hotel car park, Katie breathed a sigh of relief because she could feel the underlying currents of a disagreement brewing between them and started collecting their things together on the back seat.
Sarah looked at Lisa with such a sorrowful expression on her dainty face it made Katie catch her breath. The pain in her eyes was almost tangible. "I have to believe in it, Lisa. I’ve been looking for him since I was eighteen," she whispered.
Lisa’s shoulders visibly shrank and back tracking her voice mellowed, "Oh honey, he’ll be out there somewhere," she soothed. "And you know, if there's anyone deserves to be happily married, it’s you."
"I know, but where is he?" she moaned, "I’ve been dating for twelve years now and I’m exhausted..."
Lisa draped her arm along Sarah's slight shoulders and Katie stroked the back of her hair while they both empathised with her.
Sarah gave herself a little shake. "Oh Christ, sorry, I don't know where that came from. Come on, let’s get down to that lovely beach."
"Just hang on in there, sweetheart. It’ll happen one day,” Lisa breezed confidently taking the keys out of the ignition.
Sarah swung her legs out of the car and grabbed the cool box to carry. "Of course, it will," she said more cheerfully. "And when we get settled I want to hear all your news, Katie."
With their arms full they made their way down to the beach via wooden steps that led from the hotel car park and Lisa pointed to the high heels that Sarah was tottering on whilst trying to negotiate the steps carefully. Sarah was what they laughingly called a shoe-aholic and because of her short height she always wore the highest heels she could
find. In a specially designed section of her wardrobe she had around forty pairs of shoes and called them her collection, which was held in sections of colours, height, season, and fashion – she was extraordinarily proud of them.
Looking at the denim four inch wedge sandals, Lisa teased, “Ideal sandals for the beach then, Sarah?”
Sarah stopped and holding onto the handrail alongside the steps she looked behind grinning at Lisa. “Well, they’re from my denim section to go with my skirt,” she pouted playfully. “And my three pairs of flip-flops weren’t the right colour to match. I’ll take them off when we get on the sand.”
Laughing, they continued on their way and Katie revelled in the peace and quiet while the sun shone and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The gleaming white chalk cliffs of Seven Sisters overlooked the small shingly-sand beach and they carried on walking for another 400 metres and then dropped the folding chairs, towels, cool box, and hamper onto their chosen spot.
Even though the sun wasn’t intense Katie still smothered herself in sunscreen to protect her fair skin, while Lisa stretched out on her towel and removed her T-shirt revealing a black bikini top. Birling Gap wasn’t an official nudist’s beach but it had been used by naturists for years and they loved the freedom and quiet surroundings in comparison to the noisy, overcrowded beach in Brighton. Sarah pulled her big, white sun hat further down over her eyes, kicked the sandals from her feet, and adjusted her denim skirt over her knees, while Katie poured the cool smoothie into glasses and told them about Tim’s visit. She had a huge lump in her throat and had to stop twice to take a drink because her throat was dry with choking back tears as she explained how she felt.
Lisa had sat up listening intently to her and Sarah looked watery eyed again as she nodded her head with sympathy and understanding. Katie finished and looked at both her friends almost in a gesture of defeat as if she'd failed in some way.
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