“Daddy and I will talk about it, alright? You will always have a choice, but once you decide to pursue a courtship, it really needs to be taken seriously.”
“I understand.”
Mama and I continued talking until the rain cleared. Elle, Sevin and my father had taken a trip to a home improvement warehouse about an hour away. Sevin was supposed to be helping Daddy build a new shed the following weekend, so they were getting all of the supplies.
Opting to take advantage of the quiet, I decided to take a stroll around the perimeter of the ranch to clear my head until dinnertime. Veering off the property, I walked down the road to the nearest neighbor’s estate. Amidst the fog and lingering drizzle, I came upon a beautiful rose bush, a striking cluster of red that stood out amidst a black and white day. I had never noticed it before.
Rose.
I couldn’t help thinking of Sevin’s mother, how he hadn’t talked about the circumstances of her death with anyone but me. As much as this day had been about planning ways to move on from my infatuation, I never really stopped thinking about him.
Picking a long-stemmed rose off the bush, I looked behind my shoulders to make sure no one had seen. Smelling it, I decided that this would be a symbolic moment. I would take this rose and leave it on the doorstep to the guesthouse to let him know how much his sharing the story of his mother meant to me. I would then put it all behind me—everything that happened from the moment I met him to our encounter in the barn. The gesture would also symbolize my own vow to make peace with my sins and weaknesses, do the right thing and move on with my life.
CHAPTER 10
SEVIN
At first, I thought maybe it was a coincidence and that Elle was the one who left me that rose. When I called her later and asked her if she’d placed anything at my doorstep, she said she hadn’t. Elle had also been with Lance and me all afternoon and had gone straight to the main house from the car, so it couldn’t have been her anyway.
I didn’t want to believe it was Evangeline. I’d already been trying so hard to control my thoughts about her after our talk. The fact that she’d been thinking about me, too—about my mother—reignited all of the feelings I’d been trying to fight.
The entire day out with Elle, I’d been rationalizing with myself and came to the conclusion that there was no way in hell that my attraction to Evangeline could ever be acted upon. So, the only choice was to find a way to stop it.
During a short reprieve before dinner that night, I attempted to sketch. Drawing was always my outlet to battle stress, but tonight it wasn’t helping me. As I lay on my bed with my sketchpad in hand, all I wanted was to draw her: her curvy ass, the swell of her breasts, her silky black hair. Those caramel brown eyes. I wanted to recreate the passionate look in them when she answered my question with more honesty than I could have ever hoped for.
I looked down at the blank paper in front of me. The nudes I’d always sketched were typically of nameless, faceless women. I no longer had the desire to create them. It was like my hand was paralyzed when I tried to force myself to draw. The pencil wouldn’t move. Chucking it across the room, I walked over to the mirror above my chest of drawers and ran my fingers through my hair as I stared at my reflection.
When Evangeline listed her hopes and dreams last night, something completely unfamiliar developed in my chest. It was like she was naming all of the things I never knew I wanted. I had always convinced myself that I didn’t deserve certain things because of my role in Rose’s death. But with each wish that came out of Evangeline’s beautiful mouth, my heart beat faster and faster as if she were speaking directly into it. It was the first time I realized that maybe I did truly want more out of life. I may not have deserved it, but I wanted it.
I wanted her.
Fuck.
I continued to stare at myself in the mirror.
Evangeline wasn’t an option, plain and simple. What was I supposed to tell Lance? That he made a mistake in the daughter he chose for me? That I’m more attracted in every way to Evangeline, even though I made a promise to his other daughter who truly believes she loves me? Where would that leave sweet Elle? She would be devastated, and I knew Evangeline would never betray her sister. In the end, I’d be out on the street—or worse—back in Oklahoma with Lillian. My plans were already set in stone. This was what my father wanted, for me to take over Lance’s business. I owed it to his memory. It was the least I could do after years of fucking up. My bed was made, and I had to lie in it. What I wanted…craved…didn’t matter. It was just unfortunate that the one woman who made me feel alive was the only person in the world I couldn’t have.
You have to find a way to get past this, I thought to myself as I continued to examine my reflection.
The only thing that made sense was to try to get closer to Elle, to uncover some of the same things in her that drew me to Evangeline. I vowed that tonight was the night I would start the process of trying to fall in love with my soon-to-be wife.
***
“Evangeline won’t be joining us for dinner tonight,” Olga said as she placed a pork tenderloin down on the dining room table.
“Why not?” Elle asked.
“She just called to inform me that she would not be coming home at all tonight.”
I suddenly lifted my head. “What?”
Jesus. Try to hide your interest a little, Sevin.
She looked at Elle. “Her friend…Lorraine…passed away about an hour ago. Evangeline took the keys to your father’s car without asking and drove over to their house.”
My heart suddenly felt heavy. Shit. She must have been devastated.
“She’ll be duly punished for that when she gets back,” Lance said.
I turned to him. “Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? It’s not like she took it out for a joy ride. Someone died.”
Elle seconded my sentiments. “Yeah, Daddy. You couldn’t expect her to not be there for Adelaide at a time like this.”
“Your sister knows how I feel about the company she keeps. What happened is unfortunate, but it doesn’t change that. She had no right to steal the car without my permission. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. Thou shalt not steal, Elle. Have you not learned anything from the Bible?”
The rest of that dinner was the quietest on record. After everyone helped Olga clean up the table, I pulled Elle aside.
“I need you to do me a favor.”
“Anything.” She smiled sweetly.
“After you go upstairs for the night and everyone is asleep, I want you to quietly sneak out and come to the guesthouse.”
She looked behind her shoulder and whispered, “You know I can’t do that.”
“I realize it’s against the rules, but I just think we really need to have some time alone. I promise you I’m not going to try anything. I just want to talk, Elle. I want to spend time with you without everyone breathing down our necks.”
“Sevin…”
“Just think about it, okay?”
A look of extreme worry crossed her face. “Alright.”
***
Shortly after midnight, just when I’d drawn the conclusion that Elle wasn’t coming, there was a light knock at the door. When I opened it, my heart nearly stopped.
She was shivering, standing there with wet hair and tears in her eyes.
“Evangeline.”
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I swallowed and opened the door wide. “Please.”
My heart was palpitating as she stood before me.
Her hair was dripping down onto her heaving breasts. “I don’t know why I’m here, Sevin.”
I stood there speechless, in total shock that she was in my house.
Fucking speak, Sevin.
“They said you were spending the night at Adelaide’s.”
“I was planning to, but I started to worry about Daddy’s reaction. I didn’t want the stress of dealing with his yelling tomorrow. I figured at least if I were sleepin
g in my bed in the morning, he might not punish me as hard. Your light was on. I know I’m not gonna be able to sleep. I didn’t want to be alone up there with everyone sleeping. I just needed to talk to someone. I know I really shouldn’t be here.”
“No, you really shouldn’t be here.”
She started to back away. “I can go. I—”
“Let me finish. You really shouldn’t have come here, but I’m really glad you did.”
“Do you mind if I take off my jacket? It’s kind of wet. I was standing outside for the longest time contemplating whether I should knock on your door.”
“Please.” I took the coat from her. “Sit down. Relax. Can I make you something?”
She followed me into the kitchen and took a seat at the small counter. “Do you even have food here?”
“I dabble in making…” I hesitated and chuckled. “Pop Tarts.”
Laughter replaced her crying as she wiped her eyes. “Pop Tarts! How gourmet of you.”
“You want one?”
“I’d love a Pop Tart, actually.”
I popped two frosted strawberry ones into the toaster. Winking, I said, “Only the best in my house.”
When I handed her a plate, she took a bite of the pastry. “This is the best thing I’ve eaten all day. Is this what you do when you’re alone? Sit around eating Pop Tarts?”
Pouring her a tall glass of milk and sliding it toward her, I smiled. “Sometimes.”
“What else do you do when you come back here at night?”
Besides jerking off to thoughts of you? Well…
“Lately? I’ve just been listening to music, doing a lot of thinking.”
Evangeline took a long sip of milk then said, “Even though you weren’t happy back in Oklahoma, it must be strange starting an entirely new life.”
“Yeah…it kind of is, but aside from my brothers, there really was nothing back there for me. I’m grateful for the opportunity your father’s given me.” Taking her empty plate, I said, “Enough about me. Tell me about tonight. What happened?”
“Adelaide called me crying to tell me that Lorraine had died. It wasn’t a shock. We were all expecting it, but I still needed to be there for her. It was dark out, so biking it wasn’t an option. I knew that Daddy would never willingly give me the car. So, I just felt like I had no choice but to take it.”
“I respect you for that. You knew you’d have to suffer the repercussions of stealing the car, but you did what you had to for your friend.”
“What other choice is there?”
“When he says he’s gonna punish you, what does he mean?”
“Daddy’s never hit me, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“That’s exactly what I wanted to know. I’m glad to hear that.”
“He’ll probably take away my bike for a while, which is actually going to be a problem since I need to help Adelaide around the repair shop over the next few days.”
“I’ll drive you if you need to get there.”
“Thanks, but I don’t want to make trouble for you, Sevin. I’ll figure something out.” She walked over to the old CD player in the corner of the room. “What kind of music do you listen to?”
“My taste varies.”
I still had a lot of my father’s CDs from when I was younger and before Lillian banned any non-Christian music. Evangeline lifted one of them. “Oh my God. I love The Smiths! I didn’t think anyone else listened to this kind of music but me. Which album of theirs is your favorite?”
“Probably The Queen is Dead.”
“No way. Hatful of Hollow.”
“Wow. Impressive.” I walked toward where she was standing. “I swear, Evangeline. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you in my life.”
“Because I’m so weird?”
“When I say you’re weird, I do not mean that in a bad way. You know that, right? You’re just so different from other girls I’ve known.”
“You must have known a lot of girls back in Oklahoma, I take it?”
“I’ve never had an actual girlfriend before Elle.”
“How is that possible? You seem like the type that would have had many.”
We stood staring at each other, and I got a sudden urge to open up to her. I wanted to tell her everything that was eating away at me even if I couldn’t figure out why that was important. It just was for some reason. My heartbeat accelerated. “I’ve had sex…just not a serious relationship.”
She looked down as if to process that information before meeting my gaze again. “I figured that you probably weren’t a virgin. Does Elle know that?”
“I tried to start a conversation about all of that stuff one night. I told her that I’d done some bad things in my life, things she wouldn’t agree with. I wanted her to know everything before we’re married, to see if that mattered to her.”
“She didn’t let you tell her?”
“She said she didn’t want to know, that God forgives me as long as I accept Him.”
“She knows what she can handle. I think she might suspect that you’ve had sex, Sevin. It’s not that bad of a thing anyway. I don’t think Elle has the same expectations of you as those that are placed upon us by our parents. She just expects you to be a good husband to her once you’re married.”
“It wasn’t just that I had sex.”
“It’s none of my business.”
Then, I blurted out, “I slept with a married woman.”
She stepped back a bit, looking a little shocked. “Oh.”
“I’m not proud of it…at least not anymore. If I could go back in time now and erase it, I would.”
Her face was flush, indicating that my revelation truly affected her. “You could have any girl you want, why take up with someone who’s married?”
“For the sheer reason that it was wrong. It made me feel powerful somehow to go against the institution of marriage. It was a form of rebellion. I was very angry at life for not only how I came to be, but the way my stepmother sheltered me from the world. I never felt loved by my family. So, the sex with this person…it also allowed me to feel a false sense of love in the moment of the act without the responsibility after. I knew she wouldn’t expect anything more from me. But it was the wrong way to go about it. I didn’t have the respect for certain things that I should have. I see that now.”
“Who was she?”
I swallowed. “She was our preacher’s wife.”
She covered her mouth. “Oh my God.”
“I know.” Running my hands through my hair, pulling on it in frustration, I paced a little. “Fuck. I don’t understand why telling you all of this seems important. I can’t explain it, but I want you to know who I am. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
She let a long breath out. “It’s upsetting, but what you just told me doesn’t define you. That’s not who you are. You’re not your mistakes.”
“Thank you for saying that. I’ve never looked at it that way.”
“Just the fact that you feel guilty about it proves that you’re a good person. People screw up. Anyway, even though you were a willing participant, that bitch took advantage of you. She was older, I take it?”
“She was in her early thirties.”
She nodded, looking down at the floor again to absorb everything. My body relaxed a little when she started to shake her head in slight laughter. “Wow. How did we get from talking about The Smiths to sex anyway?”
“Who the fuck knows? I feel like I could talk to you forever. One second we’re eating Pop Tarts, the next I’m telling you my deepest, darkest secret.”
“That was it? That was your deepest, darkest secret?”
“You want more than that? That was pretty fucking bad.” My mind raced. I thought long and hard and realized that it really was probably the worst of my sins. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure that was it.” My mouth spread into a smile. “So, it’s only fair you tell me yours.”
“My darkest secret?”
“Yeah.” I sai
d softly as I stared into her eyes.
She closed her eyes and when she opened them said, “Honestly? This. Right now. Being here…is my deepest, darkest secret.”
I nodded in understanding and whispered, “Yeah.”
“I really shouldn’t stay much longer.”
Please stay.
Then came a knock. Both of our heads turned in unison toward the front door.
Our shared panic was palpable as she asked, “Who is that?”
“It’s Elle.”
CHAPTER 11
EVANGELINE
My heartbeat accelerated. “Elle?” I ran to put my coat on.
“Just stay put. It’s okay. I’ll handle it.”
Sevin opened the door. In his best casual voice, he said, “Hey…”
Elle immediately took notice of me standing in the middle of the living room. She squinted her eyes. “Evangeline?”
I lifted my hand somewhat awkwardly. “Hi.”
“What are you doing here?”
Before I had a chance to respond, Sevin intervened. “Evangeline decided to bring your father’s car back tonight so he’d have it in the morning. She thought she hit something on the road and wanted a second opinion on whether there was any noticeable damage done to the car. I was just about to grab my jacket and a flashlight to go take a look.”
Upon hearing that surprisingly logical excuse, my nerves started to calm down. “That’s right. I saw Sevin’s light on and didn’t want to wake Daddy. He’s mad enough at me already.” I looked briefly over at Sevin then back to Elle and asked a question I really had no right to. “What are you doing here?”
Jealousy was building up as it registered that Elle had snuck out to come see him. Had this happened before?
Elle looked panicked as she glanced over at Sevin.
Again, he intercepted. “I asked Elle to come by after everyone was asleep. With everyone constantly watching us, I feel like she and I haven’t really had the opportunity to get to know each other the way we should. We were just gonna have a talk. That’s all.”
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