“Dean is not going to give me the car to go back right now.”
“We’ll come get you. Besides, what kind of a man would keep his wife from her family at a time like this?”
The possessive crazy kind that I married, who does nothing but smoke weed all day and has no regard for anyone but himself.
“I’ll tell him that I’m going next week. If he won’t give me the car, then you might have to come get me.”
“Okay. I’m going to hold you to that.”
“Mama?”
“Yes.”
“Is Sevin okay?”
There was a long pause. “He’s in a very bad way.”
***
One week later, the meeting with Daddy went smoother than I thought. I’d half expected him to take me over his knee with a belt. Instead, he just took me in his arms and cried. I guess losing a child makes you much more forgiving towards the children you have left.
After he eventually got his anger out, he made me tell him where I’d been all this time. So, I gave him a story that was half-full of lies, telling him that Dean was the reason I ran away. The true parts were that I’d worked as a waitress and that Dean and I got married.
“Evangeline, if this were a few years back, I might not have let you back in this house. You’re a grown woman now, responsible for your own decisions. I don’t agree with your running away or the non-Christian life you’re living. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re my daughter. I will always love you.”
His forgiveness meant everything to me. Emily and Mama were in tears, both also surprised at Daddy’s reaction to my return.
We agreed that I would come back to visit again soon. He wanted to meet Dean. I would deal with that when the time came. There was no way I was going to bring my husband back here. My father would probably send the authorities to come collect him.
Sevin apparently lived back at the guesthouse again. One of the conditions of my coming to see my parents was that it be done in the middle of the day when he was working. It was a cowardly move, but I just couldn’t handle seeing him. Daddy had left the plant early to meet with me.
When I got in my car to leave the property, I looked around, overcome by an immense feeling of nostalgia mixed with sadness. Everything looked the same, yet so much had changed. For a moment, it felt like no time had passed.
I became overtaken by an overwhelming need to see Addy despite being ashamed to face her. What I’d done to her was no different than my actions toward Sevin.
***
My heart sank when I pulled up to her house. The shop looked abandoned. Tears filled my eyes out of fear of what I was going to find when I knocked on that door.
The person who answered the door was not who I expected.
“Can I help you?” a handsome blond boy asked.
“Hi. I’m Evangeline, an old friend of Addy’s. Is she here?”
“You’re Evangeline?”
“Yes.”
He blinked a few times and seemed to be examining my face. “Wow. Um…she went to town to go food shopping.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Luke. Sevin’s brother.”
“Sevin’s brother?”
“Yes. I live here.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I was going through some stuff. I left home. Sevin told me I could come to him if I ever needed him, and I took him up on the offer. Adelaide found out I was here and offered me her spare room. I take care of everything around here for her in exchange for room and board.”
“Are she and Sevin close?”
“Yes. He’s like a son to her. So am I.”
The reality of how much I’d missed was difficult to swallow. “What happened to the shop?”
“It shut down. Two of the guys left for better jobs, and Addy couldn’t keep up with the demand. She lost a lot of regulars. She still does odd fixes here and there, mostly word of mouth.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Did she know you were coming over?”
“No. She has no clue.”
“She talks about you all of the time. She was heartbroken when you left.”
“What about Sevin? Did he ever mention me?”
“No. Anything I know of you came from Adelaide. Sevin won’t talk about you.”
“Yeah…” I nodded in understanding while my eyes felt heavier. “Can I wait here?”
“Sure.”
I sat on the couch and looked around. Everything was the same. The kettle was still at the same spot on the stove. The house still smelled like patchouli. A rush of emotions pummeled through me because this place was the real home I’d abandoned.
The door opened, and I immediately stood up.
Addy was carrying a paper shopping bag and froze. Her lips were trembling as she mindlessly placed the bag down on the table.
I stood there speechless as the tears I’d been holding fell freely.
She shook her head in disbelief and suddenly rushed toward me, pulling me into a warm embrace. Her shoulders were shaking up and down. I’d never seen Addy cry like that, not even after Lorraine died. It was a testament to how much she loved me. Luke left the room to give us some privacy.
After holding me for several minutes, she pulled back. “I didn’t know if you were dead or alive.”
“Sevin never mentioned that he saw me at the funeral?”
“No.”
I didn’t know where to begin. “Addy…”
“You know what I’m gonna ask, Vangie. And don’t you dare lie to me. Where the hell—”
“I’ve been living in Wichita.”
“Wichita? She repeated louder, “Wichita?”
“Yes.”
“All this time, and you’ve been right here in Kansas, just a few hours away?”
“I know you want an explanation, but I’m afraid I can’t give it to you. All I can say is that leaving you was one of the worst parts for me.”
“I know you felt like you had no choice, but Sevin…” She stopped speaking and looked down at the ground.
“What?”
“It completely wrecked him, Vangie. He’s not the same person.” Hearing that felt like a stab through my heart.
“I know. I could sense that. Not that I expected any different, but it’s hard to see it for myself.”
“Who are you living with?”
“I’m married.”
Her eyes widened. “Married? To who?”
“His name is Dean. I met him after I left. Daddy thinks I ran away to be with him, but you know that’s not true. I was on my own for a while, and then he sort of took me in.”
“Took you in? Were you homeless?”
“It never came to that, but it was close.”
“Vangie, listen. You know I love you. You may not be ready to tell me everything, but I expect a full explanation of why you did what you did to us. Leaving town is one thing, but leaving the way you did without telling us where you were…”
“I promise, Addy. Someday, I’ll tell you everything that happened while I was away. I just can’t right now. I can’t handle it all yet, okay? Please just know that I love you and never meant to hurt you. You have to believe that.”
“You know I’m a strong person, and you know I love you. You could have stayed away for twenty years, come back, and I’d welcome you with open arms. I’m not the one you owe an explanation to. I’m not the one who was completely destroyed. You need to face him.”
“He doesn’t want to see me.”
“Doesn’t matter. You still need to face him.”
“He hates me.”
“You really believe that? Let me tell you something. That boy looked everywhere for you. I was there. I saw how much he suffered after you left. That doesn’t mean he hates you; he’s angry, yes. But it’s not hate. You know what else happened while you were gone? That boy became a man. He owned up to his responsibilities, took care of your sister every day until she died. Even though you�
��d left him completely shattered, he found his inner strength. Love gone wrong can disguise itself as hate. Let me define Sevin’s hatred for you. It’s a self-protective mechanism for a love that hurts so bad he has to fight it every day. At the very least, he deserves an explanation.”
She was right, but it wasn’t going to happen today. Looking down at my watch, I knew if I didn’t get the car back by a certain time, Dean was going to kill me. “I have to go, Addy. I promise I’ll be back again soon.”
Addy made me give her my address. I didn’t want her to know where I lived because she’d probably be horrified at what she found, but I was done hiding. I couldn’t hurt the people I loved any more than I already had.
***
It was two weeks later before Dean would let me take the truck to Dodge City again. I kept telling myself that I didn’t have to go through with it, that I could change my mind at any time. That was the only way I was able to conjure up enough bravery to face Sevin.
It was late on a Sunday afternoon, cloudy and overcast. Bypassing my parents’ property, I parked Dean’s Dodge Ram in front of the guesthouse. Heart pounding, hands shaking, I stayed in the driver’s seat for the longest time before finally forcing myself out. Breathing heavily, I just stood there taking in the scenery. It was eerily quiet, the only sound my mother’s wind chimes in the distance. There were two cars parked outside, a truck I assumed was Sevin’s and a Toyota sedan.
The front door opened before I had a chance to knock.
“You just let me know if there’s anything else you need,” an attractive redheaded woman around my age said to Sevin as she exited the house.
Who was that?
I froze when his eyes landed on me with the same angry, vacant look he’d given me at Elle’s funeral.
“Who are you?” she asked. “Can we help you?”
We?
A long, uncomfortable silence ensued as Sevin and I just stared at each other.
I finally looked back at her. “I’m Evangeline.”
“My sister-in-law,” he scoffed bitterly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. Anyway, I’ll call you later to check on you, Sevin,” she said as she got into her Toyota and drove off, leaving a trail of dust behind.
He remained in the doorway giving me the same icy glare. My heartbeat was out of control as I really took him in for the first time. Sevin was bigger, more muscular. His hair had grown out some, and his face was framed by a five o’clock shadow. He was truly a man now in every way. And even though everything about us was shattered—there was no us—my broken heart felt more whole than it had in all the years I’d been gone simply because he was near. The electric energy that always existed between us was still there. It just manifested itself in a different way now.
After an indeterminate amount of time passed, he was the first to speak. “What are you doing here?”
Swallowing, I said, “I needed to see you.”
“All of a sudden you need to see me?” He shook his head in disbelief but didn’t say anything else.
A roll of thunder rang out in the distance, a fitting addition to this ominous reception. It was starting to rain.
“Can I come in?”
“No.” His answer was abrupt. His body was rigid, and his hands balled into fists.
Nodding, I looked down at my feet, feeling ashamed for even coming.
“I’m sorry. I should have known you wouldn’t see me.”
“I don’t really understand why you’re here.” He sounded tired, like he barely had the energy to say those words.
Why was I here?
“Because I can’t live like this anymore. I need to explain some things to you.”
My nerves were shot, but I walked closer to him anyway. His familiar smell sent shockwaves of nostalgia, desire and pain through me. All of the feelings I’d harbored away began to awaken. I just wanted to throw myself into his arms. As if he could see inside my head, Sevin took two steps back away from me and into the house.
“Get the fuck out of here, Evangeline.”
His words were like a punch in the gut.
“Please. I don’t get the car very often. I need to talk to you. I—”
The slam of the door in my face caused me to shudder.
I closed my eyes tightly as tears began to fall down my cheeks. So much had changed in our lives, but at that moment, I was simply the same Evangeline who loved Sevin with all of my heart and soul.
Walking around to the side of the house, I peeked into the window. Sevin was sitting on the couch with his head down by his knees. A bottle of Jack Daniels was open on the table. He didn’t see me. It was impossible for me to look away. That vision epitomized all of the damage I’d caused. Seeing firsthand how badly I’d hurt him was so hard to take.
I deserved every bit of the horrible existence I was left with now.
Returning to the truck, I started the engine and took off down the long, gravelly road leading out of my parents’ property. I wasn’t worthy of his forgiveness. I deserved my punishment, which was my life with Dean. I continued back to Wichita, vowing never to return to Dodge City again.
CHAPTER 20
SEVIN
It took me nearly an hour to get up off the couch that day. I was so damn angry at myself. After everything she’d done, I should have wanted to kill her. Instead, I had to slam the door in her face because of the fucked up feelings rocketing through me. When the urge came on to grab her and hold her, I worried that I was insane. How was it possible to hate someone and love them at the same time?
My judgement was clearly fogged, which necessitated getting rid of her before I did something I would regret. Still emotionally weak from the trauma of Elle’s death, there was no way I could let Evangeline in and allow myself to become manipulated by her. I could never trust her again, but it was all too easy to get sucked in. Over my dead body would my weakness for her erase the past five years. She wasn’t going to get my forgiveness. There was no excuse for leaving me the way she did—leaving Elle in that condition. I needed to stand my ground.
But closing that door did nothing to rid my heart of her. She lived inside of me, always had¸ constantly haunting me even when she wasn’t physically present. I was going to have to try harder to fight this.
For days after her visit, I couldn’t eat or sleep and did nothing but drink. A battle was being waged inside of me. On one hand, I wanted to protect myself from the truth of where she’d been this whole time. On the other, the curiosity was killing me.
I knew I needed to talk to Addy. We’d spoken on the phone after Evangeline first showed up at her house, but she didn’t know Evangeline had now come to see me. Addy was my voice of reason all of these years, the only person who kept me sane through the worst of everything. Bonding in our misery over Evangeline’s abandonment, we’d been there for each other every day. When Luke ran away from Oklahoma and moved to Dodge City, the three of us became like a family. The two of them were a piece of normal in the midst of my life, which otherwise had consisted mostly of work and my obligations at home with Elle up until she died. Addy and Luke were my strength and my solace. At the same time, Addy’s was a place where I could just kick back with a beer and be myself.
She and Luke were playing cards when I showed up for the first time since Evangeline’s appearance at my door.
“You look like you got run over by a truck, son,” Addy said. “What’s going on?”
Taking a seat at the table, I put my feet up on the chair opposite me. I let out a deep breath and rubbed my tired eyes. “She came to see me.”
Addy placed her deck of cards down and got up to grab me a beer from the fridge. “I figured she would. I told her to.”
“You told her to?”
Half smiling, she placed the bottle firmly down in front of me. “Sure did.”
“Why?”
“Because the sooner you get the inevitable over with, the better. Tell me what happened.”
“I
slammed the door in her face.”
Addy and Luke looked at each other and started to laugh.
Looking between them, I asked, “What exactly about this is funny?”
Addy shook her head and crossed her arms. “You can’t do that, Sevin. You can’t run from her.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because now that you know where she is, you won’t be able to ignore it.”
“I don’t know where she is.”
“You do, because I’m going to tell you.”
“I don’t want to know.”
“She lives at 15 Great Road in Wichita.”
Damn it.
“Addy…I didn’t want to know.”
“Yes, you do. You should also know that she’s married.”
My heart sank.
“What?”
Goddammit. If I hated her so much, why did that news devastate me?
“Something is not right with her, Sevin.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. I got a really bad feeling. She seemed reluctant to say her address, made me promise not to go there if she gave it to me. We need to check things out.”
My chair skidded as I got up and walked toward the window. “I’m checking out, alright. Checking out altogether from this. I can’t go down this road with Evangeline again.”
“I don’t get why you’re acting like this toward her,” Luke said. “She seemed really sweet, and she’s definitely sorry for what she did. You should at least talk to her.”
I walked over to my brother and flicked one of the cards at him. “If you weren’t gay, I’d think she put you under the same spell she put on me when I was your age.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Addy said. “Listen to your little brother, though. Vangie’s a good person and deserves forgiveness. I’m not saying that has to happen overnight or even soon. But you know our girl has always allowed herself to be led by fear and her conscience. She left because she felt she had no choice, probably couldn’t handle the guilt given Elle’s predicament. Whatever the reason, it was the wrong decision; we know that. But we can’t change the past. She’s married anyway now. It’s not like we’re suggesting you take up where things left off. Probably too late for that. You just need to find it in yourself to forgive her.”
Sins of Sevin Page 17