by Leslie Gould
He nodded. “I will.” All of the children came to her in the night if they had a bad dream or were missing their Mamm. She didn’t know of a single time any of them had gone to Tim.
The living room was empty—she hoped Tim had gone to bed—but when she reached the kitchen he sat at the table, his head in his hands.
“Tired?” she asked.
He dropped his hands. “Jah. It’s been a long couple of days.”
“Go on to bed. Simon seems settled.” Eva turned on the water faucet and began rinsing the bottle.
Tim pushed back his chair. “Why were you going to let the Englisch boy stay?”
“I thought it would be easier for him to help with the chores in the morning.”
Tim shook his head. “I never should have asked him to help.” He yawned. “I’m going to bed.”
“Good night,” Eve said as she turned her attention to the bottle in the sink. She washed it and dried it and then scooped formula into it for the next feeding.
Just as she reached out to turn off the lamp, she heard a faint knocking on the back door. She hadn’t heard a buggy. Or a car.
She hurried toward the door without any expectation of who it was. All she wanted was for Tim not to hear the knock.
She opened the door halfway. There stood Charlie.
“Sorry,” he said. “Shani left her purse.”
She peered out into the darkness. “Did you walk here?”
He nodded. “She said it’s by the couch.”
“Come in,” Eve said, wrapping her shawl tighter. “But stay here.” She hurried into the dark living room, found the purse, and headed back to the kitchen.
“Thank you,” Charlie said, as Eve handed him the bag. “Shani’s going to the hospital first thing in the morning, but I was wondering about a church. Is there one close by?”
She thought for a moment. “There’s a church on Main Street in Strasburg that might work. Or there are a couple of Mennonite churches—one just outside of town and one in the town of Willow Street. I went there for a short time years ago.” She’d gone when she was on her Rumschpringe. It wasn’t Old Order Mennonite, that was for sure, but a few of the older women still wore Kapps.
“What time do you have church tomorrow?” Charlie asked.
“We don’t,” Eve answered. “It’s our week off.”
By the puzzled look on his face, she knew he didn’t understand. “We only meet every other week. Some go to another district’s meeting or visit friends and family on our off week.”
“Oh,” he said. “I see.” Charlie held up Shani’s purse, which made her laugh. He smiled. “What? You don’t think it’s my style?”
She shook her head. But she did admire him for being willing to come get it. Tim would certainly never do such a thing—at least not for her.
“Have fun visiting tomorrow,” he said. She must have given him a puzzled look because he added, “At another meeting. Or with friends and family.”
“Oh, that,” she said. “We don’t do that sort of thing. We’ll be here.” It had been a long time since they’d gone visiting, since Abra was diagnosed.
“I’ll be working on the ramp in the afternoon,” Charlie said.
She nodded. “We don’t work on Sundays.” She didn’t want him to think Tim didn’t care. “Just the chores.”
Charlie nodded. “Tim told me.” He opened the door, but then said, “I’ll go home on Monday morning. So if I don’t see you before then, thank you for everything.”
“You’re welcome,” she answered. Then, instead of saying good-night, as she should have, she asked, her heart racing, “When will you come back?”
“Next Friday,” he answered.
“I’ll see you then.”
She stood in the doorway and watched him go. When he’d disappeared into the darkness she gazed up at the sky.
She’d never pursue a relationship with a man like Charlie McCall. She’d tried the ways of the Englisch once. She wouldn’t do it again. But still, she couldn’t help . . . She inhaled, sharply.
Her heart never raced around Bishop Byler.
She pulled the door shut, turned off the lamp, and made her way down the dark hall to her bedroom.
12
Shani woke to light streaming through the windows. She shifted to her back and waited to feel the baby move. It was the first thing she did every morning. There were still days when she could hardly believe it was true.
He fluttered a little and then shifted. She rubbed her belly. “Wake up, Baby Boy Beck,” she whispered.
She and Joel had hardly talked about a name yet. They certainly weren’t close enough to a decision for her to call the little one inside anything else.
He moved again, this time more definitely. Relief flooded over her and she reached for her cell phone, knocking it off the bedside table. She rolled over to the side of the bed and sat up, kicking her foot until she felt the phone. Then she retrieved it. All it was good for inside the house was as a clock. Their cell provider said they wouldn’t have service until a tower was installed, and that could still be a couple of years. Thankfully the landline would be hooked up by the next day—at least that’s what the representative at the phone company said.
7:10. Goodness, she’d overslept. She grabbed her robe from the end of the bed and wrapped it around herself. Charlie had insisted on sleeping in his truck again, but he certainly wouldn’t sleep until after seven. She hoped he’d come into the house and made himself some coffee.
She stepped into the kitchen. No coffee. And no Zane or Charlie. She filled a glass at the tap and heard hammering start up outside. She drank the water, put the glass in the sink, and stepped into the living room. Cinching the tie on her robe above her belly, she opened the door. Charlie nailed a plank down on the ramp.
When he stopped, she called out, “Good morning.”
He waved.
“Where’s Zane?”
“He headed over to the neighbors to do the chores. Want me to go check?”
Though she was concerned about Zane being at the neighbors’, she shook her head. It wasn’t as if she thought Tim would hurt Zane, not physically anyway. But she wondered what he might say. She wasn’t sure if the man had a mean streak or if he was just obtuse. And he definitely played favorites, at least with his own kids.
Eve seemed to walk on eggshells around her brother, but Shani wasn’t sure why. Maybe it had to do with Abra’s death.
A half hour later, showered, with her hair twisted on top of her head, she left the house for the hospital, telling Charlie she’d stop by the Lehmans’ house and tell Zane to hurry on home to help him.
“Do you mind if I take him to church with me?” Charlie asked.
Shani stopped on the bottom step. “Where are you going?”
Charlie stood. “A Mennonite church. Eve told me about it.”
“Is that where they go?”
He smiled as he shook his head. “But it seems Eve went to the church when she was younger.”
“Oh.” Another mystery when it came to the neighbors. “That would be great for you to take Zane as long as he wants to go.” She and Zane had attended a church in Philly last spring—until Joel was injured. Shani climbed into her van, started the engine, waved, and then backed around and headed down the lane.
Before Philly, while Joel was stationed in California, they’d all gone to church together. Looking back, life had been so easy then. The threat that Joel would be deployed had hung over their heads since 9/11, but it hadn’t made him anxious. He’d doted on her and Zane all the more, knowing he might be called up anytime.
But after he’d been injured, Joel had been unable to think much about Zane’s needs for the first few months. And she knew he trusted her to take care of all of that. But there were some needs only a father could fill. She hoped this reinjury wouldn’t set Joel back even more.
When she reached the Lehmans’ place, Zane was grinning from ear to ear as he ran down the back steps wi
th Daniel at his side. Shani waved to her son and motioned him toward her.
Eve stood in the doorway but followed the boys when she saw Shani. She called out, “Hallo!”
Shani turned off the ignition and stepped out of the van.
Eve’s smile lit up her face. Shani felt a wave of relief sweep over her. She must have imagined the angst from Tim last night. It was probably just the stress of Simon’s injuries. How many times had she seen that in a parent?
“Could I come over and use your blender later today?” Eve asked. “I want to make up a pitcher of smoothies for Simon.”
“Sure,” Shani responded as she wrapped her arm around Zane.
“Denki,” Eve replied.
“You can go over now,” Shani added. “The house is unlocked. Charlie’s there.”
“I’ll wait until you get back,” Eve answered.
Shani smiled. Eve probably didn’t want anything to look suspicious. Shani could certainly understand that. She pulled Zane close. “Charlie wants to take you to church.”
“Okay.” Zane hugged her quickly and then stepped away.
She kept her hand on his shoulder. “Do you want to go?”
“Sure.”
“You have a choice?” Daniel planted his hands on his hips.
Zane glanced at Shani, and she nodded.
“That’s crazy,” Daniel said.
Eve stepped closer. “Walk Zane home. And then come right back.”
Daniel faced his aunt. “Can I go with Charlie and Zane? To church?”
“You could ask your Dat,” Eve answered.
Daniel exhaled and nudged Zane. “Let’s go.”
The boys took off, and Shani told Eve she’d stop by on her way back from the hospital, to let her know she was home. “Do you have ingredients for a smoothie?” she asked.
“Jah,” Eve answered. “I’ll see you when you come back. Tell Joel he’s in our prayers.”
Shani’s eyes teared up. “Denki,” she said and then, realizing what she’d said, began to laugh. Eve joined in until Tim strode out of the barn. She clapped her hand over her mouth and waved at Shani with her other hand as she headed back to the steps. But her eyes danced, still full of fun.
By the time Shani reached Joel’s room, she realized she was hungry and pulled a protein bar from her bag. She truly intended to start eating better, but she hadn’t had time to even stop at the grocery store.
She peeled back the wrapper of the bar and took a bite as she pushed open the door.
“Finally,” Joel said.
“Hi,” she answered, her mouth full. His breakfast, only half eaten, sat on his bedside table. She swallowed, kissed him on the lips, and then asked, “How was breakfast?”
“Better than Army food,” he answered.
She looped the strap of her purse over the back of the chair and slipped out of her jacket. “Mind if I take a few bites?”
“Help yourself.”
Shani pulled the chair closer to the table and speared a bite of pancake, dragging it through the syrup.
Joel shifted, as if he wanted to sit up straight, but the position of his leg in traction wouldn’t allow it. “What’s Zane up to?”
Shani swallowed. “Going to church with Charlie.”
Her husband frowned. “Not the Amish church, I hope.”
Shani shook her head. “Apparently they meet in homes. Zane and Charlie are going to a Mennonite church.”
“Sounds pretty much the same.”
Shani shrugged. “It’s just one Sunday. When you’re better we can look around.” The one in Philly had been a community church. Zane had gone to the youth group quite a few times, but she hadn’t gotten involved. Working full time meant Shani didn’t go to Bible studies or women’s gatherings. And she couldn’t imagine Joel ever going to a men’s Bible study or even a couple’s group. He was strictly a Sunday morning churchgoer.
“Zane really likes Charlie, doesn’t he.” Joel raised the bed. “But who doesn’t, right?” Bitterness tinged his voice. Was he growing jealous of his friend, of everything Charlie could do that Joel couldn’t? Especially when it came to Zane.
He’d never been inclined toward jealousy before. “It’s like Charlie’s the uncle Zane never had,” Shani said, reaching for Joel with her free hand.
Joel drummed the fingers of his other hand on the railing of the bed. “Or the husband you no longer have.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said.
“Where’d Charlie sleep last night?”
“Don’t make me hate you, Joel Beck.” She stabbed another bite of pancake and met his eyes. “Your best friend slept in his truck. You can be paranoid about all sorts of things, but don’t you dare insult my love for you or the gift of friendship he’s given you.”
Joel’s face fell.
She dropped the fork on the plate and pushed it away, no longer hungry.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Joel said. “I spend all my time thinking.”
“Read. Watch TV. Or pray,” Shani said.
Joel sighed. “I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I can’t shut my brain off.”
She wished he could call her, even if in the middle of the night, but without the landline up yet that was impossible. Hopefully he could soon.
He’d never been suspicious of her before—even during their months of separation. She shook her head. He was impossible.
Joel smiled a little and then chuckled. “He slept in his truck?”
Shani nodded. “He wouldn’t even come in this morning to make a pot of coffee before I was up.” She changed the subject. “Has the doctor stopped by?”
“Yeah, about an hour ago.”
“What did he say?”
“He’ll order more rehab, after I’m out of the plaster.”
“How long will you be in the cast?”
“Four weeks.”
“Where will you do the rehab?”
“Here in Lancaster.” Joel shifted again. “But he said I should check in with the VA back in Philly.”
She nodded, glad she’d only be working part-time now. She was taking over for a nurse on maternity leave, who would be returning about the time Shani took hers. The truth was, they could have used a full-time salary, but she couldn’t keep up with Joel’s appointments and everything else and still work that many hours.
“How are you feeling?” Joel asked.
“Fine. I was tired last night, but I got a good rest.” The baby kicked. “He’s been moving a lot.” She stood. “He is right now. Want to feel him?”
For a moment she thought Joel was going to shake his head, but he reached out and placed his hand on her abdomen. She moved it to the right spot, but of course the baby didn’t kick again.
“He moves the most in the morning,” she said. “When I first wake up. You’ll feel him when you’re back . . .” Her voice trailed off. Home. She knew it didn’t feel like home to Joel.
She longed for things to be the way they’d been before. If she’d gotten pregnant before Joel had been deployed, he’d have been ecstatic. But to conceive when he was home on furlough and then for him to find out she was pregnant when he was in the ICU in Germany . . . Well, it had all been a little too much.
“When does Zane start school?” Joel asked.
“Tomorrow. I’ll take him and then start my orientation.” She wished she didn’t have to start so soon, but her quick availability was one of the reasons they’d hired her. “I’ll come see you on my break and then before I go home.”
Joel shook his head. “You should go straight home. You know how Zane hates to be by himself.”
“He’ll be fine.”
Joel shook his head. “Could he go to the neighbors’?”
She pursed her lips but then said, “I can ask.” She wasn’t worried about Zane’s safety—just his sanity. He did hate being alone. He was too social for that. “It will work out,” she said in a lighthearted voice. She didn’t want Joel to worry, but she didn’t feel as confident ab
out all of it as she tried to sound. For things to work out for them, nothing more could go wrong.
She squeezed his hand—three quick squeezes. Their way to communicate quickly and quietly—I. Love. You.
He didn’t squeeze her hand back.
What if it didn’t all work out? The move. Joel’s emotional health. She shivered. In some ways it felt as if he hadn’t come home from Iraq at all. Not the Joel she knew anyway.
It was late afternoon by the time Shani pulled up alongside the Lehmans’ house. She’d stopped by the market for a roasted chicken and a bag of salad, and then drove home on the main road closest to Zane’s school. She didn’t want any surprises in the morning.
Eve started out the back door with the box of smoothie ingredients in her hands before Shani had turned off the van’s motor, so she left it on. By the time Eve climbed into the van, Lila was standing on the top step with the baby on her hip. Eve rolled down the window. “I’ll be back soon,” she called out to the girl. “Set the table and dish up the applesauce. I’ll mash the potatoes when I get back.”
Lila nodded and disappeared back into the house.
“How’s Joel?” Eve asked.
Shani wanted to answer “Depressed,” but instead she said, “About the same. How’s Simon?”
“Ornery,” Eve replied. “So nearly back to normal.” She smiled.
Shani was quiet for a moment and then said, “I have something to ask you.”
“Go ahead,” Eve answered.
“I was wondering if Zane could come to your house after school this week, you know, before he starts helping with the chores. I have my orientation at the hospital and won’t be done until after he gets off the bus.”
Eve frowned.
Shani felt awkward for having asked. She rushed on, speaking quickly. “If not, he can stay at the house until it’s time to do the chores. He just doesn’t like to be by himself.”
Eve shook her head. “No, that would be fine. He’s welcome at our place.”
Shani exhaled and blinked back the tears threatening her eyes. “Thanks.”
Eve nodded and then commented on the bright colors of the leaves. “This is my favorite time of year.”
“Mine too,” Shani answered as they reached the house.