by Leslie Gould
Charlie headed back to the living room, and Shani went as far as the doorway again. Joel had his head turned toward them, a pained expression on his face. Charlie settled back on the couch and Shani headed up the stairs to Zane. Maybe he was faking it, but he appeared to be asleep.
Shani returned to the kitchen, cleaned up, and then sat at the table, waiting. For once she wished she knitted or crocheted.
An hour later, Joel wheeled into the bathroom. Shani hoped he took his pain meds—that would mean he’d be asleep soon. Sure enough, fifteen minutes later he started to doze in his chair. Once he was sound asleep, Charlie slipped the .45 from his grasp.
Charlie’s eyes glistened as he looked up at Shani.
She swallowed hard.
Joel stirred but didn’t wake. Charlie grabbed his coat and started out the door. Shani followed.
“He’s going to be furious,” Charlie said.
“I know.” Shani wrapped her arms around herself.
“If he gets volatile, call for help.”
“I will,” she answered. And she’d make an appointment with a therapist first thing Monday morning.
“I’ll call him tomorrow,” Charlie said. “Hopefully we can talk things through.”
“Thank you,” Shani said, fighting back her tears. “For everything.”
She told him good-bye and headed back in the house, fearing they would soon be losing his friendship too. She’d been so sure her grandfather’s farm would be the answer to their problems. Instead they were becoming more isolated than ever.
She checked on Zane again. He’d crawled under the covers and seemed genuinely asleep now. She sat on the edge of his bed and ran her fingers through his bangs, sweeping them from his forehead. He turned away from her, toward the wall.
Joel didn’t wake as she rolled him down the hallway to their bedroom. But when she started to transfer him to the bed, he asked, “Did you put the gun away?”
“It’s safe,” she answered.
The next morning, while Zane was doing the chores, she asked Joel if he remembered what had happened. He nodded.
“Charlie took the gun,” she said.
He cursed. “Why’d you let him?”
“Because we need help,” she said. “I was scared last night. I’m going to find a therapist on Monday.”
Joel shook his head and wheeled into the living room. That afternoon Charlie called, but Joel refused to talk with him.
On Sunday the Lehmans had church at their house. Shani couldn’t imagine what a big job it was for Eve—all the cleaning and setup and food preparation. The thought overwhelmed her. A constant parade of buggies came down the lane in the morning and then left in the early afternoon. Shani stood on her porch and watched them go, feeling lonelier than she ever had in her entire life.
On Monday she made several phone calls. By Wednesday, she had a therapist in Lancaster lined up through the VA and made an appointment for Friday. But Joel refused to go. She went alone. She left with a list of mental health emergency numbers to call and pamphlets about PTSD. The therapist suggested getting his platoon sergeant involved, but Shani wasn’t sure that was a good idea. Joel would be absolutely humiliated.
During the next couple of weeks, probably because he didn’t want to talk with a therapist, Joel stabilized again. His cast came off, and though he still relied on the wheelchair, he sometimes walked with a cane when he felt strong enough. He started physical therapy, which meant Shani helped him with his exercises and took him to more appointments, trying to coordinate them with her own prenatal appointments. She didn’t have the energy to keep nagging him about seeing a counselor.
The second week of December Shani stopped by to see Eve again, this time with a plate of brownies, made from a mix, of course. Even at that they were dry.
Lila came to the door. The girl brightened up when she saw it was Shani but still had a forlorn look about her. “How’s Zane?” she asked.
Shani said he was lonely.
Lila teared up. “Us too.”
Just as Shani reached to give Lila a hug, Tim’s booming voice stopped her. “Who’s there?”
“Go,” Lila said.
Shani shook her head. “I want to say hello to your dad.”
Lila stepped back. “Please go.”
Shani hesitated but gave girl the brownies and then walked slowly back to her van. She wasn’t going to make things worse for Lila. She climbed into the van and sat back a moment. The curtains fluttered. The baby shifted inside of her, kicking toward the steering wheel. Her own eyes filled with tears.
Zane had refused to go to the school dance, even though Shani had actually encouraged him to attend. He needed some friends. He needed to spend time with people his own age. “The kids at school are all lame,” he’d said. “I’d rather hang out with Daniel and Simon. And Lila and Rose. Even Trudy.”
Shani hadn’t responded. She preferred he hang out with the Lehman kids too.
Three days before Christmas, Shani’s father came out from Seattle. The early afternoon of his first full day with them, he said he was going to walk up the lane to talk with Mr. Lehman about whether he wanted to lease the land again the next year.
Joel leaned against his cane. “Good luck with that.”
“Want to come along?” he asked.
Joel shook his head.
“I do,” Zane replied.
Shani looked at Joel to get his opinion. “It’s fine,” he said. “Tim’s not going to say anything in front of your dad.”
Shani had an extra tin of butter cookies for Zane and her dad to take with them. She was tempted to go herself, but Joel seemed anxious, and she needed to leave for work in an hour.
Joel settled into the recliner they’d bought the week before and turned on the TV while Shani finished up the dishes. After that she made a lunch for herself and stared into the fridge trying to think what the rest of them could have for dinner. She decided her dad could make eggs, bacon, and hash browns. That was his specialty.
Shani had been drinking a lot of smoothies lately, following Eve’s recipe. At least she was doing better as far as nutrition for the baby. If only she could get Joel and Zane to drink them too. Coming up with meals was the task she hated the most.
She closed the fridge, thinking through Christmas dinner. She’d need to go to the store the next day. She’d get a ham—that was easy. A bag of potatoes, a couple of jars of gravy, rolls, frozen beans, and a ready-made salad. Oh, and a pie.
The phone rang. It was Charlie, asking for Joel. Shani took the phone into the living room and handed it to her husband without saying anything. He said hello, but as soon as he heard Charlie’s voice he handed it back to her.
Shani held it like a hot potato. “Come on, Joel. It’s Christmas.”
Joel’s eyes narrowed, and he shook his head.
Shani waited until she was back in the kitchen before she said she was sorry.
“It’s all right,” Charlie said. “I just thought I’d try.”
“How have you been?” she asked.
“All right.”
“Have you heard from Eve?”
“Nope,” he answered. “Have you talked with her?”
“No,” Shani said, the word catching in her throat. She changed the subject. “How about Karina and Samantha?”
“Good. Karina’s looking at going back to work part-time. She has a lead at a good day-care center.”
“Tell her hello,” Shani said.
“How’s Zane?” Charlie asked.
“My dad’s here, so that helps.”
Charlie asked about her and the baby, and Shani answered everything was fine. Then she said, “Joel’s better than he was that night. We haven’t had anything like that again.”
“Good,” Charlie answered. “I should let you go.”
Shani wanted to say how much they missed him, but that wouldn’t go over well with Joel. Instead she said, “Merry Christmas,” and then told him good-bye.
A
few minutes later, as Shani put on her coat, her father and Zane came up the front steps. She opened the door. “How did it go?”
“It was weird.” Zane stepped around her and kicked off his boots.
“It was fine,” her father said, taking off his hat. “Tim’s going to lease the land for another year.”
“Did you see Eve?” Shani asked.
Zane shook his head. “Lila told us Tim was in the barn. We went out there to talk.”
“How’s Lila?” Shani wound her scarf around her neck.
Zane shrugged. “She said Simon got his jaw unwired a couple weeks ago. That’s a good thing.”
She agreed.
Her father pressed his hands together. Weeks ago she’d told him about the troubles with Tim. He’d told her it was the man’s duty to protect his family, and they shouldn’t take it personally.
“I didn’t grow up with Amish neighbors,” her father had said over the phone. “But I did grow up in Lancaster County. Some Plain people are okay with the influence of outsiders. Others aren’t. Let it be.”
That was easy for him to say. He hadn’t grown close to Eve and fond of the children. He hadn’t seen Zane make the best friendships of his life. And he hadn’t witnessed the attraction between Eve and Charlie. Shani had pondered that one a lot. She, selfishly, hadn’t wanted them to have a relationship. She didn’t want Eve to leave Juneberry Lane. Instead her family had lost both of them.
Now her father looked at her with a serious expression as he stood with his coat still on and his stocking cap pulled over his gray hair. “Tim Lehman is a good man. He has his own struggles. You’ll just have to see how this all works out. There’s not anything you can do to make it better.”
Her dad walked her out to the van, and when she stopped at the driver’s side, he cleared his throat.
“What is it?” she asked. “More about the Lehmans?”
He shook his head. “I’m worried about you and Joel.”
“We’re fine,” Shani said, opening the door. She hadn’t told him about the gun incident.
Her dad narrowed his eyes at her, the way he had when she was a teenager, lowering his bushy eyebrows as he did. “Tell me the truth.”
Shani shrugged. “He’s stressed. No doubt he has PTSD.” Her eyes filled with tears, and her father wrapped his arms around her. “Yeah,” she admitted, “things aren’t so great. I tried to get him to see a counselor, but he refused.”
“What are you going to do?”
She shook her head. “Wait it out, I guess.”
Her dad shook his head. “Zane told me about the gun.”
“I wondered,” Shani said. “I’m sorry. I should have . . . I didn’t want you to worry.”
“I just want to make sure you and Zane and the baby are safe.”
“We are,” she said, climbing into the van. At least she thought they were. As long as Joel wasn’t driving, he couldn’t get another gun. She slammed the door but then rolled down the window. “There’s breakfast stuff in the fridge. Do you mind making dinner?”
Her dad smiled. “Drive carefully.”
It started to snow as Shani drove down the lane. She slowed and glanced up the Lehmans’ driveway, just as she did every time she drove by. Eve was grabbing sheets off the line. Shani stopped. Eve waved and smiled. Shani rolled down the passenger-side window and waved back, shouting, “Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas to all of you too,” Eve yelled back, her black cape open. Snow swirled around her, and a white sheet flapped in the wind.
Shani drove on, her stomach sinking. Nothing felt right. She’d felt so hopeful when they’d moved to Lancaster, but with each passing day that hope diminished more and more.
The Beck family managed to get through Christmas and the days after. Shani’s father chopped wood every day, helped Zane with the chores, shoveled the ramp, and made sure the pipes were all well insulated.
Shani was sure Joel could have helped with some of it—or at least thanked her father—but he didn’t. He watched TV, mostly SportsCenter, while the rest of them worked.
On New Year’s Eve, after they all went to bed, a few fireworks went off. Shani felt Joel stiffen. “You okay?” she asked
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he answered, rolling away from her. “I just wish tonight that all of our neighbors were Amish.”
Shani dozed, but at midnight more fireworks exploded, waking her. A dog howled in the distance. Another barked. Joel swung his feet over the side of the bed.
“Where are you going?” Shani asked.
“Out to the living room.”
“Want me to come?”
“No,” he answered, shuffling toward the door, his cane thumping against the floor. “You should sleep.”
Shani’s dad left the Saturday after New Year’s, and on Monday, Shani and Joel drove to Philly. Joel worried it was too close to Shani’s due date for them to travel that far, even though it wasn’t much over an hour. He worried the roads might get bad and they wouldn’t make it back before Zane got home from school. He worried the doctor would have bad news.
Shani found Joel’s despondency harder and harder to take. “Let’s make an appointment with a mental health provider while we’re at the VA,” she said as she maneuvered through traffic.
“I told you I don’t need to see a shrink.”
“It’s no different than seeing a doctor for your leg.”
“My brain isn’t broken, Shani.” He slumped against the seat and closed his eyes.
After the medical exam, the doctor said that the leg was healing. “There’ll be more healing as far as the nerves and muscles. It’s never going to be perfect though. You’ll always walk with a cane, but you can start driving when you feel up to it.”
Shani asked Joel if he wanted to drive home. He said he didn’t feel ready.
They reached home a half hour before Zane did. Joel collapsed in his recliner and fell asleep and didn’t do anything the rest of the day.
The next morning he didn’t do much either, besides watch TV. When Shani left for work, she told him there was soup in the cupboard and sandwich meat in the fridge. He grunted and said they’d be fine.
The next day she asked him to drive himself to physical therapy, but he said he’d rather not go if she wasn’t going to take him. She ended up going, but her resentment grew.
That evening Zane was grumpy too. She couldn’t get him to talk, but finally at bedtime he said he’d ventured into the Lehmans’ yard on the way home from school, and Tim had told him to go on home. “Daniel and Lila were at the new chicken coop, and they both stared at me.”
Shani gave him a hug.
“They looked so sad,” he said.
“We’re all sad,” Shani answered.
“Except for Tim. And, well, Dad. I mean, he’s sad but not because he misses the Lehmans—except maybe Trudy.”
Shani sighed. The only time Joel had seemed positive about their baby was when Trudy had been around. Now he fretted about their little one more than ever.
The next morning she asked Joel if he’d help around the house. “Like empty out the wood stove,” she said. “The ash has really built up.” She didn’t think lifting the bucket would be any harder for him than it was for her.
“I’ll get to it,” he said.
By afternoon Shani felt tired and took a nap. When she woke, she could hear voices. Zane was home.
It seemed extra dark. She glanced at the clock, 4:10. She decided a storm was blowing in. Thankfully she didn’t have to work the next day. The baby shifted, and she put her hand on her belly, trying to feel a foot or elbow. Tears filled her eyes. Another couple of weeks and Baby Boy Beck would arrive. What would Joel do then?
She shuffled out to the living room. All the lights were off except for the TV. She turned on the lamp.
Zane still had his coat on.
“How was school?” she asked.
“Fine.” He was becoming as uncommunicative as his dad.
&n
bsp; But then he perked up a little. “Anthony said we might get an ice storm,” Zane said.
Joel stared at the TV. “That’s what they’re saying on the news too. By this evening.”
Every few years, when she was growing up, Seattle was hit by ice storms. It shut down the entire city. She wondered if the same thing happened in Lancaster County. It didn’t matter. They’d hunker down. None of them needed to go anywhere.
She called in a pizza order, doubling it. If there was going to be a storm, they’d need leftovers. They were watching the local news when the ice started to fall. First it pinged against the windows and then the roof.
Shani gathered candles, matches, and flashlights and put them all on the coffee table. “Zane, go get more wood for the stove,” she said.
“I let the fire die down,” Joel said. “So I could clean out the ashes.”
It wasn’t as if they used the wood stove to completely heat the house. Her grandparents had installed electric heaters way back when, but Shani preferred the wood stove. And they’d need it if they lost power.
“This would be a good time to do it,” Shani said, heading to the bathroom. She’d get a shower now, in case the lights went out. She didn’t want to do that by candlelight.
As she turned off the water, the lights flickered but didn’t go out. But a cracking noise from outside startled her. Probably a tree branch. She hoped they wouldn’t have too much clean up to do after the storm. She dressed in a hurry.
When she came out of the bathroom, Zane sat on the couch with a slice of pizza in his hands.
“Where’s Dad?” she asked.
“Taking out the ashes.”
“Put the pizza back. We’ll all eat together.” She started down the hall to the bathroom to dry her hair. She didn’t want to catch a chill. “Tell Dad to get a fire started. In case the electricity goes out,” she called out over her shoulder.
When she came out again, Joel and Zane were working on building a fire. She moved the pizza from the kitchen to the coffee table, along with plates and napkins. Before they were ready to eat, Zane asked if he could say the prayer.
“Sure,” Joel said.
Shani expected him to recite the prayer they usually said but instead he said, “Dear Lord, thank you for this food and how you take care of us. Please keep us safe. And please make things right with our neighbors.” He paused, as if there was something else he wanted to add, but simply said, “Amen.”