He looked over the balcony, his back to us, like he did inside while retelling his story of meeting Aunt Claire. He seemed to be able to get through this much easier with telling it to the sky than directly at us. I understood that feeling, pain so great you had to look away to be able to even speak. I felt a connection with Doc now and I didn’t feel the anger towards him I did two days ago.
“Ozias, as you know, I’ve worked hard at establishing my practice and being a part of a great orthopedics team the last 29 years. Raising a family, starting my practice, running my father’s business after he passed….it’s been time consuming to say the least. And when Jo started getting sick over a decade ago, life became even harder. I guess Ozias has told you about his mother’s condition?” He looked at me for an answer.
“Yes, yesterday,” I told him.
“Jo was a teacher for years then went back to school for interior design when the boys were in school. She always loved design but her father wouldn’t let that be her major in college, so I was very supportive of her following her dreams. At first, the headaches and hand tremors we thought were stressed induced. I was almost never home in those days. Dad had just died and I was assuming his role in the business as well as my duties at the clinic and hospital. So being a full time student and mother with little help was hard. It was reasonable to believe exhaustion played a factor. That’s when I hired Carla, she had been dad’s caregiver and even though we needed her more as a housekeeper at the time, she had been with our family so long she took the job. Jo graduated, started her business, and worked full time hours.”
“One day while with a client she was walking and just froze. She couldn’t move for several minutes and it scared her. I demanded she see a neurologist at that point but thinking she was way too young for what I feared, Parkinson’s, but the tests confirmed it was early onset Parkinson’s disease.”
This family has been through so much, I thought to myself. Doc seemed almost relieved to be saying all this out loud even if he couldn’t look at us when he talked.
“I remember that day very well. Dad came and checked us out from school. I was 15, Al was 17, and Declan was 13. Dad had never picked us up so we were instantly worried. They sat us down in the living room and told us. I remember crying, Al got mad and stormed to his room, and Declan just kept asking if mom was going to be ok.” Ozias spoke to me and I could see the pain in his eyes.
“It was a hard day,” Doc relayed. “But, she was a champ, my Jo. After the initial shock she educated herself on PD, took care of legal and other matters to ensure if the worse happened the boys’ lives would still feel somewhat normal, the boys and I were always her main focus. Me, I was angry and it grew and grew. I heard Doc sniffle and it broke my heart to hear him pushing back tears.
Ozias stood up and put an arm around Doc’s shoulder. “I think this is the most you’ve spoken my whole life, Dad. I know it’s not easy for you but I think it’s healing.”
Doc nodded. It was beautiful to see this happening. Even though I just met them, I realized immediately upon meeting they did not have a good father-son relationship. This was healing for all of us.
“It was summer of 2006 and I was in radiology looking at Jo’s latest scan with the radiologist, I saw Claire walk past me. I had heard things about her from time to time over the years. She stayed working for Howard Tech. Mr. Howard’s wife passed in 2000. I was kind of shocked to hear that he and Claire married in 2001. He was 25 years her senior. He died in early 2006, I remember reading in the paper. I wasn’t going to follow her but then she turned around and looked right at me. I felt that same feeling I used to get when she was near. She walked right up to me and just asked me how I was. It was strange. Then I saw tears in her eyes and I knew I had to talk to her in private. It was a Wednesday, I only have clinic hours until 12:00 that day so we went there to talk.”
Doc came and sat beside me. I sipped my wine and took the ice off my ankle and reclined farther so I could see his face. “She told me she was at the hospital getting MRI results because a previous one showed a brain tumor. That day she was told the tumor was inoperable because of its size, location, and numerous blood vessels surrounding it. She broke down and told me she was worried about where she was going to live because the house that she shared with Howard was willed to his children, and they never had a good relationship. Whereas, money wasn’t the issues, time and ability to move were. She was about to start radiation treatments and finding a new place was just more than she could take at the time.”
“You got her into the building? Her unit came available at that same time in 2006. She moved in that summer.” Ozias pieced together the time line of events.
“Yes,” Doc said. “I talked to your mother about it though, if that’s any consolation. She was hesitant at first but I told her I felt I owed Claire this. She was dying. She started treatments and things went well. She traveled to some alterative treatment facilities, changed her eating habits. She was solely focused on being well. Honestly, I didn’t see her that much in the beginning. I was still working all the time. By 2009 doctors were convinced the tumor had shrunk to a size it wouldn’t cause her many symptoms so she went on with her life, started traveling for pleasure again.”
“I can’t believe she never told me any of this. I should have known. She was traveling for treatments not just impromptu vacations like we all thought. Why would she want to do that alone? And this is why she never visited but a few times between 2006 and 2009 but then after that she only came once a year after that for my grandmother’s birthday in June.” I was hurt more than I was showing.
“She was adamant that her family not be contacted unless she passed. I had only her mother’s number. I think she was worried about adding to your grief. I assume that now, she never told me why and I didn’t feel I had the right to press her. Adira, I know going home was hard for her, she wouldn’t elaborate but I assumed it had to do with your parents’ death.”
Death. There’s that word again. I can’t bring myself to say it even though I know that it’s true. I guess being at home was too painful for Aunt Claire and everything she had been through she deserved to be as happy as possible. If only I had known why she was so distant.
My thoughts were interrupted by Doc’s voice. “Jo and Claire actually got to know one another and she’d have dinner with us occasionally, even though having both the women I loved becoming friends was more than awkward and stressful. It was hard for me to have her so near so I worked even more. I started teaching just to get away from it all.” Doc stood and went to the balcony wall again. “Last year, she started having symptoms again, went through all the same treatments. She had some good results but the tumor was growing. It was all too much, too much pain. I just quit feeling. Jo’s dementia was confirmed and she needed full time care and then Claire was dying. The two women I love the most were both dying and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.”
“I’m so sorry, dad. If I had known what you were going through I could have at least been there for you more.” Ozias looked devastated so I reached my hand over the small table and he took it in his.
“Ozias, I wouldn’t have even known where to begin. Until, Adira coming here and Pandora’s Box being opened these last two days, I intended to take all this to my grave. Claire, obviously had other intentions.” He laughed to himself.
Doc continued. “Claire’s health was dwindling. She’s have days of confusion and exhaustion coupled with days of energy and wonder. She was trying every holistic and new age treatments there were. As a medical doctor I was skeptical, but I did see some improvement and her symptoms seemed to slow. She’d have the most clarity in the late morning to early afternoon with the help of some herb concoction. but she slept a lot. One evening, I went to check on her after Jo was asleep. I was sitting on the edge of her bed when out of the blue she told me she still loved me. She never stopped. She poured her soul out to me, all her fears and feelings. I was shocked. I loved her too an
d told her so. I never thought a man could truly love two women at the same time but it’s true. They were different types of love. Jo and I hadn’t had a real marriage in about a year. She wasn’t able to be that way physically or most of the time, mentally. I’m not saying what happened with Claire was because of that. I’m a man and I’m human but I loved her, and never stopped loving her. We both were hurting and in need. We needed each other. I felt so much guilt at just thinking about Claire in that way that I didn’t speak to her for a few days. Jo was having some of her clearest days during that time and she sensed, as women do, that I was struggling with something. I thought I was hiding my feelings well, but Jo could always see through me. One night she just came out and asked if I still loved Claire and if I was struggling with staying with her because of obligation. I told Jo I wouldn’t leave her, ever, she was my wife. Right before she fell asleep while we lay in the dark, she said these words to me, ‘Al, we both know I haven’t been able to be a wife to you in all the ways a wife should be for her husband, please, if the time comes, don’t let the opportunity to love and be loved slip by. Life’s too short and you and Claire were cruelly separated.’ She was silent for a while then the last thing she said about it was, ‘Just don’t tell me if you do and please not here at our house. I’m understanding but I’m still human.’ She kissed me and drifted off to sleep. I couldn’t even reply to her. I knew what she was saying and I knew she understood how I felt about Claire, but for her to give me permission, I….I know this makes me seem like a horrible man, but I never loved Jo more than I did in that moment. Jo is the most selfless person I’ve ever known.”
Whoa. Talk about crazy emotions. A wife giving her husband the permission to be with another women. Wow. I’m speechless. Ozias, not so much.
“Dad, are you saying mom gave you permission to sleep with Claire? That’s so messed up I don’t even know how to feel.” Ozias had a look of disgust on his face.
“Ozias, I’m not asking you to understand. Hell, if I hadn’t lived this horrible situation, I would also think it was crazy and wrong. It’s easy to judge if you haven’t lived what someone else is going through.”
Doc was right but it was still all so unbelievable. He continued after a few minutes, “I went to Claire the next night and told her if hers days were numbered I didn’t want to waste any more time debating whether or not to be with her, I just had to. I still felt guilty, I mean, I’d been a faithful husband for 28 years, but at the same time I had never felt so alive. Sometimes we’d just lie together talking about life, crazy dreams that never came true. We’d watch a lot of movies. I’d read to her. Occasionally we’d go out in the evenings to places no one would see us and just talk. I just wanted you to know it wasn’t all about the physical.”
As awkward as this conversation was, I appreciated him telling me those details. I did see Aunt Claire in a different light and not just as an adulterer. Ozias looked like he agreed.
“Thank you for telling me this. I know it was painful and even awkward to talk about, and I’m not saying I’m completely ok with it, but I understand as much as a man who’s never been in that situation could. Loving someone that much and being torn away from a life with them, well, I can’t imagine what that must feel like.” Ozias pulled his dad in for a hug and stared right into my eyes.
“Doc,” I said. “Yes, thank you for your honesty and frankness. It had to be hard and awkward to tell us all of that, but I am forever grateful to you for giving me parts of Aunt Claire she never shared.”
He nodded. “It’s not my nature to be that talkative but the weight of carrying all of that for all these years has been lifted and I feel amazingly light. I need to go and check on mom, Ozias. It’s getting late. Do you feel you understand better now?”
“Yes, Dad, thank you. This night has meant more to me than you will ever know.” Ozias embraced his father again. It was all too much. I felt tears starting again.
“I think I know just how you feel, Ozias.” Doc looked to me when he said that and I felt flushed. “Adira, I’m sorry if we got off on the wrong foot. Please accept my apology. I’ve been angry for many years and with Claire passing just a few months ago, I’ve, I’ve had a lifetime of emotions to deal with.”
“Oh, Doc, I accept. I can’t believe all you’ve endured. I would be a basket case.” I hobbled over to him and gave him a hug. At first he didn’t hug back but then he embraced me in a bear hug like my dad used to do. That was it, the tears were rolling. “Oh, God, I’ve missed hugs like this. My daddy used to hug me this way.” I bawled. Doc held me tighter and I felt Ozias’ hand rubbing circles on my back.
When we broke the embrace all three of us had tear stained faces. “Doc, can I ask you one more thing? I just need to make peace with why she never told me any of this and why she never talked about me or my family.”
“Adira, when we would talk about our lives, I asked her questions. Of course, I was curious how her life had been the last twenty years. I asked about your mom and all she said was that she and your dad had passed but she wasn’t talking about it, she said some pain is too great. Anytime I tried to ask more, she’d just tell me that she loves her family and they know that but she needed to focus on the here and now. She was quite firm. She told me once that everyone knows they’re going to die one day, but people don’t live like they know that because it seems like something far off and you have time. But when you know for a fact your death is coming and coming fast, you don’t want to do anything but live but not like you lived before you knew. You want to be carefree, take chances, and not talk about past hurts or regrets. You want to read everything you can, see plays and movies. Walk in the grass barefoot, dance in the rain, swim in the ocean, watch the sun rise and set.” Doc laughed. “I swear I’m not making that up. Claire said all those things to me and when I thought about it, she was right. We live life with worries about our families, school, jobs, bills, retirement….all things we must do to survive, but we don’t really live. Claire and I were robbed of our lives together. Now, I can’t say I would change it because I wouldn’t have my boys and Jo, but if life had gone the way we wanted it to, she would have borne my children and I would have been with her through all her ups and downs. We didn’t get that, but we got a second chance, a chance not to have a life together, but to live for a few precious months. And they were the sweetest months of my life.”
He started to walk away from us when he turned and said, “Adira, Ozias, listen to me. I don’t know why things happen the way they do, no one does, but I know a chance of a lifetime when I see one. Claire has set in motion an opportunity for you both. Don’t waste it on worry and what ifs. When you’re my age you don’t want to be lying in bed at night wishing you had done things differently. You want to be able to say to yourself, I gave it all I had and I fought for what I loved. Do that. Live.” And then he left us on the balcony with our arms around each other.
Chapter Eighteen
Looking at the night sky, in Ozias’ arm, on his balcony, I know I’ve got to make a decision. It wouldn’t be fair to let him think there is a chance for us, if there’s not, and that’s the problem….I don’t know.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Ozias took a finger and traced the side of my face pushing a stray piece of hair behind my ear.
“I don’t know if I can put them into words. I thought that the emotions I have gone through since my parents didn’t return were the worst I’d ever experience…and they were…but these last few days are a close seconds. I’m so drained I, I….”
He interrupted me, “I know. Me too. Why don’t we go in and relax? What can I do to help you?”
I just grabbed my crutches and went inside. I couldn’t even answer him. I was being childish and I knew it, but I felt the need to run away from all of this and I couldn’t. My chest was tight….I can’t breathe….Oh God.
“Hey, please don’t run away from me. We need to talk about this, so why don’t we just sit down and try to decompress?” Ozias
was following me.
I was trying to get to my room but I couldn’t. I dropped the crutches and held my chest. Breathe in, breathe out.
“What’s wrong? Adira, are you ok?” He came to face me. He placed his arms on my shoulders to balance me. “Look at me. Are you having an attack?” I was trying my hardest just to breathe but it wasn’t happening. I glanced in his eyes for just a second….but then I couldn’t look away. “That’s right, focus on me, and let’s breathe together, ok?” Ozias was making small circles on my upper back with his hands as our eyes stayed focused on each other we breathed in and out slowly. Amazingly, I felt the tightness in my chest disappear and my pulse dropping back to normal. And now the humiliation that this man has seen me at my worse repeatedly the last two days. Why would he even want to try a relationship with me? I was crazy!
“Come, sit.” It was an order, not a question. I obeyed. He walked me to the couch and went to get both of us water. “Drink,” he commanded when he returned. So, I did. I felt really hot all of the sudden and I needed to get the t-shirt I was wearing over my tank off, so I grabbed the hem to pull it off when I felt his hands over mine. “Let me do that. Just relax.” He lifted off my shirt and I heard his breathe intake, then I remembered the hip hugger pants and the tank that enhanced my cleavage. I felt hotter than before now under his stare. “Beautiful.” I met his eyes at his compliment.
I was nervous, really nervous, like I had never been with a man. Whatever this connection was that Ozias and I shared, it was powerful, consuming, and scary as hell. I bowed my head in my shyness and crossed my arm over my breast to cover them. Ozias grabbed my hand and kneeled in front of me. “Don’t hide from me, Adira. Don’t ever hide and put a wall between us. I want to get to know you, all of you, the physical, emotional, and mental parts that make you who you are. The good and the bad. How can we know if Claire was right if we don’t even try? Do you want to know a secret?” He took my chin and raised it so my eyes met his. I didn’t answer but he continued anyway.
The Strength to Fall (McKinnon Brothers Book 1) Page 12