Instead, he said, “We’ll be back a little after twelve.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Maybe you can try to get some rest while Dash is gone. You look really tired and worn out today.”
I clenched Roxy’s collar. Tired and worn out? Yes, that was exactly what every woman enjoyed hearing their ex-husband say.
I forced a smile. “Sure, Gage, I’ll try to do that.”
“Good.” He grinned, obviously pleased with himself for offering such great advice. “Thanks for the coffee. I’ll bring your mug back this afternoon.” He left, closing the door behind him.
I released the dog, and she charged the door, barking. Then, she raced to the couch to stare out the window.
“Oh, Roxy. You’re just as pitiful as I am, aren’t you?”
She wagged her tail and continued looking out the window. I joined her on the couch, and the two of us stared down the sidewalk at Dash and Gage walking farther and farther away from us.
Even from this distance, I could tell Dash was incredibly happy as he headed to church with his father. A sense of foreboding settled in my gut.
Dash was a kid, designed for survival. What if his method of surviving after I left meant forgetting about me? What if Gage never brought Dash to visit me in prison? What if when I got out of jail my son didn’t want anything to do with me?
I let the curtain fall back into place and flopped onto the couch. Roxy climbed onto me, panting in my face.
“It’s going to be okay, girl,” I said, petting her. “It hurts, but we’re going to be okay.”
*
Pretending Dash was playing with a friend instead of attending church with Gage, I did my best to keep busy. While Roxy slept on the couch, I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, mopped, and started the laundry. Then, I surveyed my tidy rental, not sure what to do with the rest of my morning.
I could always make more jewelry. I hadn’t planned on working in San Francisco, but I enjoyed my work, so I kept doing it. Eventually, I’d have to shut down my online store, but that could wait a little longer.
As a yawn escaped me, I considered going back to bed. Somehow, it just seemed wrong to spend such a beautiful day indoors. The blue sky and shining sun made it the perfect morning for a walk.
I threw on yoga pants and a T-shirt, leashed up Roxy, and headed outside. When I was a child, Uncle Leo told me the best way to enjoy a city was to walk it. Walking allowed you to see things you couldn’t see from a car. Plus, it provided free entertainment that benefited both your health and the environment.
With Roxy leading the way, we headed down Washington Street past Lafayette Park. I admired the affluent homes of Pacific Heights with their unique architecture and gorgeous landscaping. “This is how the other half lives,” I told the dog as she pranced down the sidewalk, her head held high.
Eventually, we turned around and headed back home. As we strode past the playground at Lafayette Park, a friendly voice called out my name.
I turned, surprised to see Tamara pushing June in the swing. Baby Eric was propped on her hip, and she gave me a big wave.
“Doggie!” June shouted, pointing at Roxy.
Roxy held her head a little higher and wagged her tail as we walked over to Tamara and her kids. “It’s such a perfect day to come to the park, isn’t it?”
“It is,” Tamara agreed, not sounding convinced.
“What’s wrong?”
She sighed. “I really wanted to go to church this morning, but these two little monkeys were so horrible, we had to leave.”
“No.” Feigning disbelief, I looked at June and her baby brother.
“Yes.” June threw her head back and cackled with joy, which caused Eric to do the same. I smiled as Roxy pricked her ears forward.
“I know it’s not forever,” Tamara said, “but someday, I’d like to experience a peaceful Sunday morning.”
“I’m sorry. Would you like me to watch your kids so you could go back to church?”
Tamara smiled. “Thank you. That’s so sweet. I appreciate the offer, but the service is almost over.”
June demanded to be let out of the swing, so Tamara obliged. As soon as the little girl’s feet hit the ground, she lunged at Roxy, throwing her arms around the poor dog.
“Be gentle, June bug,” Tamara called, shifting the baby as she squatted and pulled her daughter away from the dog.
Understanding she was defeated, Roxy collapsed to the ground, bringing June with her. June giggled as Roxy licked her face.
“The kids really want a dog,” Tamara said, holding the baby with one hand and petting Roxy with the other. “Unfortunately, Charlie’s allergic.”
“Charlie’s your husband?”
“He is.”
“I don’t think I ever met him. Did he go to St. John’s?”
Tamara nodded. “He did, but he’s five years older, so he was gone by the time you attended.”
June pointed at something in the distance. “Daddy!”
I turned to see the male version of Sheela walking with Gage, Dash, Tye, and Sheela. I panicked, embarrassed that Gage would think I was infringing on his time with Dash by showing up uninvited.
“Mom,” Dash yelled, running toward me.
My heart lifted to see he was excited I was here. After the way he so eagerly left this morning, I hadn’t expected him to miss me.
We embraced for a split second before he dropped to the ground to shower Roxy with love and affection. “Watch this,” Dash said, scratching Roxy’s belly in the spot that made her back leg race.
All the kids laughed, and Dash let them take turns scratching her trigger spot. Thankfully, Roxy loved kids and never seemed to mind their overzealous attention.
“What are you doing here?” Gage said, walking up with the others. To my relief, he sounded happy to see me. Sheela, on the other hand, glared at me.
Ignoring her, I explained I’d just been taking the dog for a walk when I ran into Tamara. “I didn’t know you went to church here.”
Gage gestured behind him. “Just around the corner.”
Sheela continued to glare, but thankfully, Tamara took over the conversation by introducing me to her husband. I shook hands with Charlie and told him he had cute kids.
“Thanks,” he said. “Dash is a cute kid, too. I’m glad he and Tye have become such good friends. So, how are you liking San Francisco?”
Given Sheela’s attitude toward me, I hadn’t expected her brother to be so friendly. I smiled and gestured at the view. “It’s beautiful here.”
Sheela slipped her arm through Gage’s and gazed up at him. “When our mothers come out to visit this summer, we should bring them here to take pictures.”
“That’d be nice,” Gage said, smiling at her tenderly.
I looked away, ashamed by my jealousy. There was an obvious connection between Gage and Sheela that I didn’t share.
Before I left, I needed to find a way to make peace with Sheela. I needed to forgive her for how she treated me in high school and how she continued to look at me with disgust. Regardless of how she made me feel, she was part of Gage’s life, and thus part of Dash’s.
“Can we eat now?” Tye asked, interrupting my thoughts. “I’m starving.”
“Me, too,” Dash said.
Charlie motioned behind him. “We left the ice chest and everything else on the picnic table. It’s all ready, so we can head up there now if you want.”
“You’re staying, right, Mom?” Dash gave me a hopeful smile.
Feeling guilty for being here, I shook my head. “No, I need to get Roxy home.”
“No.” June wrapped her arms around the dog in a death hold, causing Roxy to yelp.
“Easy,” Tamara said, removing her daughter’s hands. “You have to be nice to Roxy, okay? Maybe if you’re gentle, I can convince Dash’s mom to stay for lunch.”
Charlie nodded. “Yes, you should stay, Natalie.”
Even though I could feel Sheela’s glare, I dared a gl
ance at Gage. He shrugged. “You might as well. Our pastor was supposed to join us, but he had an emergency, so we have a ton of extra food.”
Great. My ex-husband wanted me to stay in order not to waste food. I guess he figured my healthy appetite would be useful in this kind of situation.
“Come on,” Tamara said, handing me the baby. “We all want you to stay, and now that you have Eric, you can’t leave.”
Chapter 21
Gage – 2017
Sitting across from Natalie at the picnic table, I stole a quick glance at Sheela. She obviously hadn’t wanted Natalie to stay for lunch. What in the world had I gotten myself into?
“What happened at church?” Tamara asked, taking a bite of her hummus and spinach sandwich. “Did I miss anything?”
“Gage wrote a huge check for that prison nursery program the church is sponsoring this month,” Sheela said.
Natalie’s head shot up. She locked eyes with me before quickly looking away.
I hadn’t meant for Sheela to see the check, nor for Natalie to find out about it. I’d simply wanted to make a donation to ease the guilt I felt about abandoning Natalie when she’d needed me the most.
Charlie fed his son a piece of watermelon that dripped down the baby’s face. “That was generous of you, Coach.”
I shrugged. “The speaker made it sound like a good program. I think it’s important to support organizations like that.”
“Do you?” Sheela asked. “A program like that doesn’t seem like much of a punishment to me.”
Natalie looked down at her sandwich, not saying a word. I’d been thinking that she and Dash must’ve benefited from a prison nursery program in Chicago. That was probably how they’d been able to stay together. I wanted to talk to Natalie about her time in prison and what it was like when Dash was a baby, but that could wait. Right now, I needed to do what was best for Dash, and that included not pressuring Natalie to tell me everything about her past.
Eventually, she’d have to talk to Dash about his genetic disposition to addiction. San Francisco was a hotbed for drugs and other mood-altering substances. You couldn’t walk down parts of the city without smelling pot. Even though marijuana hadn’t been Natalie’s problem, I still thought it was important for Dash to understand the need to avoid temptation.
“What is the prison nursery program?” Tamara asked.
Charlie wiped his son’s face with a napkin. “It’s part of the prison system that allows incarcerated mothers to keep their babies in jail with them.”
Tamara frowned. “Isn’t that dangerous?”
“That’s what I was thinking,” Sheela said.
Charlie shook his head. “There’s actually a huge screening process, so only certain prisoners can participate. They have to be nonviolent offenders, and the baby has to be healthy.”
Tamara brushed back June’s hair. “So, these prisoners just keep their babies in jail with them? I kind of agree with Sheela that it doesn’t sound like much of a punishment. The hospital where I worked when Tye was a baby didn’t even have a nursery for the employees. I had to get up an extra hour early so I could drive across town to drop him off at daycare in order to make it to work on time.”
I nodded. “I understand your frustration, but the speaker said each year hundreds of women give birth in prison. The moms allowed to keep their babies with them have a much lower recidivism rate than those forced to make other arrangements like foster care.”
“What’s recidivism?” Dash asked, butchering the word from the other end of the table.
I hadn’t realized my son was listening to the conversation. Did Dash have any memory of that time in his life? Natalie had been sentenced to six years, so it wasn’t unreasonable that Dash remembered being in prison with her. Maybe talking about this wasn’t a good idea.
Natalie obviously felt differently because she answered Dash’s question without hesitation. “Recidivism means returning to jail. Women allowed to keep their babies with them have a much lower rate of going back to jail once they’re released.”
Dash smiled. “I never knew moms went to jail.”
“Yeah, me neither,” Tye said. “Hey, do you want to take Roxy for a run around the tennis courts?”
“Sure. Can we, Mom?” Dash asked.
Natalie nodded, and Tamara told the boys to stay together. Both boys agreed, before racing down the hill with Roxy in tow.
June clambered to chase after them, but Tamara grabbed her daughter and said they’d go back to the park later. When June protested, Charlie bribed her with a cookie.
“I understand what you’re saying about the recidivism rate,” Tamara said. “It’s just a new idea for me, and I need to read more about it before coming to a conclusion.”
Charlie chuckled. “That’s my wife for you. Always doing her research.”
Tamara smiled at her husband in that same adoring way Natalie used to smile at me. Something uncomfortable nagged me.
I glanced at Sheela. She never smiled at me like that. In fairness, I never smiled at her like that either. Up until this moment, it’d never bothered me. Now, it made me wonder what we were doing together.
I suppose we’d known each other for so long that being together was just comfortable. I knew she had a mean streak, but she could also be generous. Unbeknownst to anyone but me, she made yearly donations to the gym’s scholarship program. She’d also been instrumental in helping Rhodes move out here and start college.
Still, I’d never felt the way about Sheela as I’d once felt about Natalie. For that matter, I couldn’t imagine loving any other woman like I’d once loved Natalie.
“I don’t mean to sound callous,” Sheela said, “but I just don’t think that prison program makes sense. Those women are in prison for a reason. Allowing them to keep their babies just seems unfair to the rest of society.”
I took a drink of water. “Well, I guess that’s when you have to ask yourself what’s the point of prison. Is it just a place for punishment or do you want to help people change their lives for the better? These prisoners are going to be released eventually. Wouldn’t it be better for society if strong family bonds kept them out of trouble?”
Sheela shrugged. “Maybe.”
I glanced at Natalie who was watching the exchange between Sheela and me. Ever since Natalie showed up with Dash, things had started to change. Last week, Sheela asked if I was still in love with Natalie. I’d told her no. Now, I wasn’t so sure.
Holding Natalie in my office the other day had brought back so many emotions I’d tried hard to forget. Natalie was the mother of my son, and we would always be connected.
But falling in love with her again? That was really a bad idea.
Chapter 22
Natalie – 2007
The day after our wedding, Gage and I flew to San Francisco for our honeymoon. I felt a little achy and accepted the complimentary orange juice and vodka given to first-class passengers on the plane.
“Would you rather have something else?” Gage asked.
I lifted my drink and clinked it against his. “No. I’m married now, so I can have alcohol once in a while.”
He laughed. “Is that how it works?”
“Yes.” I swallowed the sweet-tasting liquid, loving how it made me feel. I’d had a glass of champagne at the wedding, and I liked the giddy feeling it’d given me. I couldn’t imagine ever working while under the influence of alcohol, but maybe an occasional drink was fine. I definitely didn’t want to become an alcoholic.
By the time we checked into the Fairmont Hotel on Nob Hill, I felt much better. The drink had relaxed me without making me want more. My desire for drugs was gone, so maybe instead of an addiction, I’d simply needed a break from my stressful life.
“Check out this closet,” Gage said as we explored our enormous balcony suite.
I couldn’t help but laugh when I joined him in the walk-in closet. “I think it’s as big as my bedroom back home.”
Gage wrapped h
is arms around me. “Don’t you mean our bedroom?”
Nodding, I laughed again. Gage and I had decided to save money by staying in Uncle Leo’s house for the first year of our marriage. Uncle Leo had offered to give us the master bedroom, but Gage and I insisted we were fine in the smaller room.
Our plan was to eventually find a bigger place that would accommodate all three of us. Just because I was married didn’t mean I was going to abandon my uncle.
Gage kissed me. “It’s good to see you laugh. I’ve been worried about you.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve just been so stressed lately.”
“I know.”
I placed a hand on his solid chest, loving the feel of his muscles beneath my palm. “I know it’s going to get better.”
“Me, too.” He drew me close, pressing his hands into the small of my back. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy. I’m so happy we’re married and have seven whole days to be together without worrying about anything.”
Gage gave a sarcastic smile. “You mean, seven whole days to be together without my mother?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.” He grinned and kissed me again, this time more fervently. “At the risk of sounding corny, how about we move this to some place more comfortable, Mrs. Merona?”
As soon as I nodded, Gage threw me over his shoulder and carried me out of the closet. I laughed as he tossed me onto the king-sized bed and kissed me breathless.
Then, we made love, giving ourselves to each other, holding nothing back. Never had I felt so connected to another human being. This was my husband, and I knew I’d love him forever. He was the man I was going to spend my life with. The man I’d have children with and grow old with. At that moment, I didn’t think there was anything that could tear us apart.
Afterward, we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Several hours later, I awoke to find Gage sitting on the edge of the bed looking down at me. Wearing only a towel, his hair was wet, and he smelled like soap and shaving cream.
He caressed my cheek. “Hey, sleeping beauty.”
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