Next to Forever (Never Letting Go)

by Moose, S

  “Connor! Why!” She holds me tight and her tears soak my shirt. My tears fall endlessly as I hold her. “We just found out about her. We heard her heart beat. I don’t get it.” She sobs and keeps saying how she doesn’t understand what happened. The doctors aren’t saying too much and no one has answers we need. Erin holds me closer to her, and she lets out her cries and screams. I rub her back but nothing’s working. The pain we’re both feeling is eating us up inside.

  My mind races back to the day I felt Aria moving and the smile on Erin’s face. I close my eyes and think back to all the moments with Erin and Aria. I can’t believe she’s gone, and we’ll never get to meet her and hold her.

  “Baby, I love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” I stroke her hair and kiss her forehead. “Tell me what I need to do, please.”

  “Bring me back Aria. Please, Connor, I just want my baby girl.” Erin cries are loud, and I try to calm her down but there are no words to say to end this nightmare. “This isn’t fair! We didn’t do anything wrong,” she wails, punching my chest over and over.

  “Baby, we’ll get through this.” I rock her back and forth in my arms, and after a few hours, Erin falls asleep. How will we be okay?

  * * * * *

  The next few weeks are hard. Erin sleeps all day and refuses to get out of bed. The nursery door remains closed. Erin and I can’t bring ourselves to open the door and finish painting the walls. I’ve taken a leave of absence from work and Father’s been back taking my place. Erin’s parents and my mother have been over every day helping out around the house and staying with Erin. Sleep is nonexistent for me these days. I’m lucky if I get a few hours here and there. I bring Erin flowers every day and she gives me a small smile, but she’s broken and can’t find any sense. Doctor Benson comes to visit a few times a week to check on Erin, and when we ask about the miscarriage, she doesn’t have an answer for us either. The flowers, food, and cards people have been sending mean a lot to Erin and me, and we’re thankful but life outside our home is invisible.

  The promises I made to Erin about always protecting her and keeping her safe come back to me. I failed her and Aria. I thought I did everything I could to prevent anything from happening, but even with all of my efforts, I failed.

  I’m a failure, and this is my fault.

  I meant everything, but life was a fucking bitch and took everything good away from us. We’re good people and deserve to be happy. Erin’s crumbling before my eyes, and I’m drowning in sadness, so what do we do now? An incredulous grunt escapes my throat as I sink down in my chair and place my head in my hands.

  How can I make this better?

  I get up from the couch and head to the kitchen. There are piles of envelopes, and I start looking through the piles. “Fuck,” I mutter. Life still goes on when we’re in a pause.

  Mother comes from behind me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “How’s she doing?”

  I turn around and shrug my shoulders, making my way to the fridge to grab a beer. “The same. She won’t really talk, and I don’t know what else to do.” I twist the bottle cap off and toss it in the sink. “How can I take away her pain?”

  “You can’t, sweetie. Unfortunately, these things happen, and you have to find the strength to overcome the pain and move on. I know it’s not easy, but sweetie, I know you and Erin will find your way.”

  “Well, life’s a fucking bitch, and I don’t get it. We’re fucking good people, and Erin deserves to be happy.” I chug my beer and sink down in the kitchen hair. “It’s fucking bullshit, and I’m sick of this crap life.”

  “Connor! Honey…” She takes my hand. “I know it’s hard, but don’t let your anger take over your goodness.”

  “Whatever.” I know I’m being cold and negative but this is all I know right now. My only goal for now is taking away her pain and making her happy again. We’re both broken and lost, so how can we be fixed? How can we find our way?

  With sadness in her eyes, she looks at me. “Let it out, Connor. What’s going through your mind?”

  I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “It’s not fair.” I remember Sophia coming over and holding Erin. She tells her everything will be okay, but I don’t think it will be. Sophia and Adam have been supportive but have stayed away. I understand, since it’s hard seeing Sophia pregnant while we’re mourning our loss. Our Aria. “I don’t get it. Aria’s heartbeat was strong. Doctor Benson said she was growing and healthy. Nothing seemed wrong.”

  “Honey,” she starts to say, “we can’t predict these things. Unfortunately, it happens. You and Erin didn’t do anything wrong. Aria is with God now and...” she pauses, “and with your parents.”

  I look her and squeeze her hand. I think about them all the time and hope they’re proud of me. I’m thankful for my adoptive parents and know my parents are in Heaven watching over me. “Yeah, they have their granddaughter with them in Heaven.” Tears fall from my eyes, and I take another deep breath. Slumping forward, my head hangs low, and there’s silence in the kitchen while mother sits with me. All I can do is wish for this excruciating pain to leave Erin and me.

  Paul, Erin’s dad, comes to the kitchen and sits down. The bags under his eyes are dark, and he looks disheveled and exhausted.

  “How’s she doing, Paul?”

  He looks down at his hands and lets out a heavy sigh of sadness. “I don’t know. She won’t talk, and her mother and I think she needs to see someone about this.” He looks at me. “What do you think, son?”

  I nod my head. “I agree. I think it’ll be good for the both of us.” I remember Sophia talking about her therapist and wonder if she would be willing to talk to Erin and me. “Let me call Soph to see who she sees. She loves her therapist and talks highly of her.” I take out my phone and text Soph.

  Me: Hey, is your therapist taking any more clients?

  Sophia: She just opened up her own practice. Give her a call. I think you and Erin need to talk to her. She’s really nice and understanding. Adam and I will be over tonight with dinner. How is she?

  Me: The same. She still won’t talk. She showered today and her parents are over. Where’s Adam?’

  Sophia: Office.

  I look at the time and it’s ten o’clock in the evening. I feel like an asshole for not helping out, especially now with the California deal.

  Me: I’m sorry, Soph. Do you want me to come get you?

  Sophia: Don’t be sorry, honey. Adam and your dad understand. Plus, the deal went through! So no worries. No, I’m in bed and Vander’s here with me.

  Me: That’s great. Well, call us if you need anything.

  Sophia: Thanks, honey. You too. Love you both xo

  I put away my phone and get up from the kitchen table. I need air. The November air is cool and the stars are out tonight. Looking up to the night sky, I say a silent prayer for my parents and Aria. I’m not sure how to handle our loss. I have to be strong for Erin and be her rock, but I’m lost. Not being able to be away from Erin for long, I head inside and upstairs to our room. Erin’s on her side, holding a pillow, sleeping peacefully. I bring her close to my body and hold her tight. “I love you so much, babe. We’ll get through this, I promise.” Kissing her forehead, I cradle her in my arms.

  The night goes by slowly, and I can’t bring myself to stay asleep. I look over at Erin and see her breathing in and out. I throw my arm over my head and think about the last few days.

  Everything was going great until we lost Aria. I don’t understand how that could happen. We did everything we could to ensure their safety, and Erin was doing what she could to stay healthy. Life was a fucking bitch. A mean fucking bitch. All we wanted was to be happy with our family and live a life full of love and joy. But all that was stripped away when we lost Aria.

  Our baby girl.

  The irritation and rage flared inside me, and I can’t deal with this anymore. The tears threaten my eyes. I slowly get out of bed and head downstairs to the kitchen. I’m not sure what I nee
d, but I know I need something to get rid of this pain or at least help me forget. The silence in the house is eerie as I get a beer from the fridge. I twist off the cap and start chugging. It’s almost midnight, but to me, time stopped. How can we move on from this?

  My phone starts vibrating and it’s a text message from Adam.

  Adam: You up? I see your lights on.

  Me: Yeah... Drinking a beer. You want to come over?

  Adam: Yeah, be right there.

  I head to the door and open it. Standing outside on the porch seems to help, but it feels like I’m waiting for a miracle, and I know there’s no such thing.

  Adam pulls in my driveway and goes around the car to open the passenger door for Sophia. They slowly walk over to me. Sophia hugs me and holds me tight. She tells me that everything’s going to be okay, but how does she know that? She’s still pregnant, and we lost Aria. How can anything be okay?

  “I’m going to head upstairs and see Erin.” I nod my head, and she gives me a light kiss on the cheek. “Love you, Connor.”

  “You too, Soph.” Adam and I watch her go inside, and we both take a seat on the porch chairs. “What are you doing out anyway?” I ask, drinking my beer.

  “Sophia couldn’t sleep and driving helps her relax,” Adam responds, eyeing me. “How much have you had to drink?” I lift my bottle and he acknowledges I’ve had one. “I’m sorry, man. I wish there was something I could do.”

  “Bring back Aria, and tell me that this is a fucking dream.” The anger in me spews out and I feel like an asshole, but how the fuck am I suppose to feel? “What the hell did we do wrong?”

  Adam grips my shoulder. “Nothing, man. You and Erin didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t your fault.”

  “Then why do I feel like it is? Is this my punishment for not being with Olivia when she lost her baby?” Adam shakes his head. Quickly, I’m on my feet as I chuck the beer bottle across the yard. “Fuck,” I yell. The emotions run through me and I can’t help but break down. Adam comes to my side, and I let it out. The pain releases from me, but the ache in my heart grows. I want to take away Erin’s pain and combine it with mine. She doesn’t deserve this. “What the hell am I going to do?”

  “Live. It’s okay to grieve, but you need to be strong for you and Erin. She needs you, man.” Adam helps me up from the ground, and we head back inside. He’s right. I do need to be strong. I know that we’ll always love Aria, and she’ll never leave our hearts but the pain is new, and I don’t know how else to cope.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Erin

  I look at the clock on the nightstand. Two twenty-five AM. Connor’s holding me and he’s sleeping soundly. Doctor Burns prescribed him some sleeping pills, so he can sleep and I’m glad. I wish I could talk to him—actually talk to anyone. I touch my stomach where Aria used to be but she’s gone. “I miss you so much, Aria. How can you be gone? I never got a chance to hold you. Did you know how much I loved you?” I start crying again, and this time I can’t stop.

  We never got to hold her or to see her beautiful face. She’s in Heaven now, and I hope she’s okay. I close my eyes to try to forget the pain, but it doesn’t leave. I still don’t understand what happened. I feel my heart beating fast and my head’s pounding from the crying and confusion. I’m always sleeping, and I am up at weird times. I slowly get out bed and walk into the bathroom. Stripping off my clothes and turning on the shower, I step in and let the hot water hit my body. The water isn’t hot enough so I adjust the water temperature and set it on the hottest setting but it’s still not hot enough to burn away these memories and take away the pain of not having Aria.

  Sitting on the shower floor, I think about everything. This is my fault.

  At first, I wasn’t happy about being pregnant, and now I’m being punished for feeling as though Aria was a burden, even though she wasn’t. I should’ve listened to Connor. I should’ve stayed home and not worked. What the hell was I thinking? This was my punishment, my torment. My life was a mess, and I was falling apart. I wasn’t myself, and all I thought about was dying. Everyone kept coming over and spent time with me, encouraging me to get out of bed and live again, but I couldn’t find the strength to do that. All I wanted was to be a mom and have a family with Connor. Aria was our world. Our baby girl was going to be the best thing ever, and now we’ll never know her.

  I place my head on my knees and let out loud sobs.

  “Aria, I’m so sorry. Mommy’s so sorry. Please forgive me, please!” The sobs are getting louder and I can’t breathe. The hot water is still hitting my body, and I see the steam coming out of the shower, but don’t feel the scorching hot water. The numbness takes over my body.

  Eyeing the tub stopper, I put it in the shower drain and feel the water slowly rising. Closing my eyes, I lean my head against the shower walls and spread out my legs. “I’ll be with you soon, Aria. Mommy will be there with you.” The water is filling up as I sink down into the tub. I take my last breath and fall into the water, so I can find peace again. I think about my family and Connor. Everything will be okay, and they’ll understand why I had to do this. “Goodbye.” My head disappears under the water. My heart is racing, but I stay still. This is the right thing to do.

  Quickly, hands are on me as I’m being pulled up from the water. “NO!”

  “Baby,” Connor cries. “Baby, talk to me!” He holds me close to his chest, and I’m trying to pull away from him. “Why, baby?” Connor pulls me out of the tub and carries me to our bed. He grabs a towel from the closet and runs back to me. The warm and soft towel touches my body and I start shivering. Feeling comes back to my body and I realize what I just did. The sobs come out, and I throw my arms around Connor’s neck.

  “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Please don’t be mad. Please!” I cry, trying to keep him near me.

  “Babe, I’m not mad but talk to me,” he cries, holding me and rocking me back and forth.

  “I miss her, and you never want to talk to me about her. Everyone keeps coming in here and trying to get me to get out of bed, but I don’t want to move. Why do they keep trying to get me out of bed? Why can’t I just be sad?”

  “Erin, I’m always here, and we can always talk. We’re all worried about you and just want you to be okay.”

  “I’ll never be okay,” she whispers, sinking into the bed and bringing me with her. “Can you just hold me please?”

  “Forever.”

  Connor wakes me up at ten in the morning and tells me to get ready. He eyes me as I get out of bed, and I throw on a tee shirt and my yoga pants. I grab my black Uggs from the closet and slip them on. “Where’s my North Face, babe?

  Connor walks up to me and hugs me tightly. I feel better in his arms, but the pain’s still there and I don’t know if it’ll ever go away. He leads me down the stairs and grabs my jacket from the closet. Connor checks the house before we leave. The November air is chilly and the sun isn’t out. It’s gloomy out, like me. The car unlocks and Connor opens the passenger side door for me. He gets in the car and starts it. The drive is quiet as I look out the window and watch the world pass me by. I rest my head on the window and close my eyes but every time I do, I see blood and I’m at the hospital. The doctors and nurses are in the room, trying to calm me down and helping me get my blood pressure down. I feel dizzy and nauseous and start throwing up, but there’s just liquid coming out of me. I threw up my lunch at home. Abruptly my eyes open and he’s looking at me.

  “You’re okay,” he says, stroking my hand and bringing it up to his lips.

  We drive for a few more minutes before pulling into a parking lot. There are a few cars around and when I open the door, I see a small brick building in front of me. I wonder where we are.

  “Connor?”

  He extends his hand out and I take it. “Come on, baby. It’ll be okay.”

  We walk inside, hand in hand, and an older woman behind the desk greets us.

  “Connor and Erin for Doctor Taylor.”

&
nbsp; I tug on Connor’s hand and give him a somber look. I don’t want to see a therapist! I’m not crazy! My daughter died and I’m sad, but it doesn’t mean I need to fucking see someone. “Connor?”

  He pulls me over to the chairs, and we sit down. “What is this?”

  His hand rests on my thigh but I pull away. “I hate you. I’m not fucking crazy,” I whisper.

  Connor sighs, and places his hand on my thigh again. Fuck it. I’m done playing this stupid game. There are magazines on the table, and I pick one up. Nothing is interesting in this one, so I grab another magazine but it’s the same thing. No interest in this one.

  A woman comes out of her office with a smile on her face. I hate her already. How can she help me? No one can understand my pain and anguish. How do you get over the loss of a child?

  “Connor? Erin?”

  Connor gets up, but I’m not as anxious as he is. He looks at me and mouths “get up, please.” His eyes are pleading with me. I get up from the chair and try to smile but nothing. “Hi, I’m Connor and this is my fiancée, Erin.”

  She smiles at me but I look away. There’s too much fucking happiness and smiles right now. All I want is my bed and my daughter. “Nice to meet you both. Follow me inside.” We do as she says, and when we walk inside, there are flowers and candles lit. I feel a little better but I just want this to be over.

  We sit down on the plush light purple couch and Connor holds my hand. I look around and see all of her degrees on her wall. There are pictures of her and her family and a lump forms in my throat.

  Doctor Taylor starts talking but I don’t hear her. Connor answers her questions but I can’t focus on her.

  “Erin, do you want to say anything?” she asks while holding a pad of paper and a pen.

  “I don’t know what to say. I’m not good at these things. I don’t want to do any introductions or that crap. I lost my daughter and tried to kill myself because I want to see her. I want to hold her and let her know I love her. I want to cling to this pain because it’s the only thing I have left!” I shake my head and get up from the sofa. “I felt her in my stomach and watched her grow. These memories,” I take a deep breath, “this is all I have left.” I sit back down and Connor holds my hand.