by Claire Adams
I stumbled into the apartment and accidentally dropped my keys when I tried to hang them up by the door. Cursing again, I picked them up and set them on the kitchen counter. I turned on one light and headed to the sofa where I collapsed immediately. It was almost three in the morning. I had stayed longer than I had anticipated, but I was relieved that the deal was finally closed and everyone seemed happy.
Noah and Kristen would definitely be asleep. I wanted to check on Noah, but I decided to wait a little until I was a little steadier on my feet. I looked up and saw that Daphne was staring at me out of her frame. She seemed to be looking at me with pity and quite a bit of judgment.
“You have no right to judge me,” I told her fiercely. “You have absolutely no right. You left. You abandoned Noah and me.”
The more I stared at her, the more I could understand. She wasn’t just judging me. She didn’t just pity me. She was disappointed. I could see it in the arch of her eyebrows and the way her mouth was turned down at the corners. Her hazel eyes were filled with emotion. I had always thought it was contentment, an odd sense of peace that came with self-actualization and understanding, but now I saw it for what it really was. She was sad, she was scared, but most of all, she was relieved.
“How could you do that to us?” I demanded quietly. “You had no right to do what you did.”
Another memory reared its head, and I bent my head down, unable to look at her picture any longer. She was standing before me with tears in her eyes. She was reaching out for me, but I was turning away from her.
“Please, Jake,” she said, and her voice shook when she spoke. “Please try and understand.”
“I don’t understand,” I snapped. “Don’t expect me to.”
“You’re my husband,” she said, emphasizing the last word. “How could I not expect that?”
“How can you be so selfish?” I demanded, glaring at her.
“Because… Oh, Jake… I’m drowning,” she sobbed, and finally, the tears slipped free of her face.
I tried to push the memory aside, but it was too overpowering. All I could do was bend my head and wait for it to pass. I could feel her at my back, imploring me silently to turn around, to face her—but I couldn’t. I was too angry, too hurt, and too lost to offer her the comfort she needed.
“How… How am I supposed to do this?” I asked her. “I can’t—”
“You can,” she said, cutting me off. She came forward and grabbed my hand in both of hers. “Don’t you see, Jake? You always said that I was your rock. But you got it wrong. I was never the strong one… It was always you.”
I looked up at her and saw those perfect hazel eyes. I saw the woman I had fallen in love with, and I realized that she wasn’t really the same person. Not anymore. She had changed—she was different. There was something about her that I couldn’t recognize anymore, and that scared me.
“Is that it, then?” I demanded angrily, pulling my hand from hers. “You’re putting this all on me? You’re justifying your own selfishness by assuming I can handle it?”
“No, that’s not—”
“I don’t even want to look at you anymore,” I spat, turning away from her again.
I could feel her standing behind me, refusing to leave, hoping for my approval, my blessing. And yet, it was the oddest thing. I knew she was still there, behind me, but it was like she had already gone. I felt so completely alone at that moment that I realized I had already lost her.
“Jake,” she whispered my name. “Please… Please don’t turn your back on me.”
“Get out,” I said before I could stop myself. “Just leave me alone.”
I shook my head and focused on the coffee table in front of me. Noah’s building blocks and action figures were spread all over it. The memory had sobered me up, but it had also left me feeling deflated and hopeless. I got up and walked to the kitchen. The fridge was only half full, but there were a few containers that I didn’t recognize. I opened them up and found chicken and veggies. Despite having been refrigerated for a few hours, it still smelt good, so I microwaved a portion and ate leaning against the kitchen sink.
Once my stomach was full, I made my way down the hall towards Noah’s room. I realized his room door was slightly ajar. I glanced over at the opposite door where Kristen would be sleeping. There was perfect silence coming from inside. I pushed Noah’s door opened and peered in.
I stopped when I realized that Kristen was in the room with Noah. She was curled up on the edge of his bed with one arm thrown across the pillow. Noah was resting just underneath, snuggled into the curve of her body. His little hand was thrown across Kristen’s body as though he had fallen asleep hugging her.
I felt a pang when I saw the two of them like that, but I didn’t understand why I got so emotional at the sight. I happened to glance up at Noah’s chest of drawers at that moment, and I saw the small, framed photo of Daphne that I had placed there so that he would always feel like she was close by.
I stared at the picture for a moment. That photograph had been taken years ago, just before we had gotten married. Daphne was wearing a blush pink dress, and her auburn hair hung loosely around her shoulders. She was laughing, and her head was tilted up towards the sun. Her eyes weren’t clear in the snapshot, but it had always been one of my favorite memories of her. She had been more carefree back then.
Staring at her picture, the sudden realization that had been staring me in the face for months suddenly hit me. I balked slightly as I turned to Kristen to confirm what I had just realized.
They looked so similar to one another. That was what had been nagging me about Kristen this whole time. It was the reason I looked twice at her every time she walked into a room. It was the reason I thought about her sometimes at night without any rhyme or reason.
She looked like Daphne.
I walked into the room softly and looked down at my son curled up in Kristen’s arms. It was a beautiful sight, the way his arms clung to her, even in sleep. He had missed a mother figure in his life; I had known that for quite some time, I just hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself.
The more I looked at them, the more upset I got. I didn’t want Noah to form close attachments with random women who wouldn’t be in his life for long. The fact was that Kristen was not his mother, no matter how much like Daphne she happened to look.
As I backed away from the two of them, my feet against the floor made a scratching noise, and both Kristen and Noah stirred in their sleep. I saw Kristen’s eyes blink open, and then Noah reached for her and whispered a word that shook me to my very core.
“Mama,” he said.
I don’t know what happened. I just heard that word, and something inside me snapped. Before Kristen could respond, I had rushed forward and grabbed Noah from his bed and away from her. She gasped in shock, realizing that I was in the room.
“Oh my God,” she exclaimed as Noah looked a little scared and shell-shocked.
“Kristen,” I said. “I think you’d better leave.”
She blinked at me and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. It was clear she hadn’t changed into nightclothes. She was still in jeans and a t-shirt, and I was glad for that. It meant she didn’t have to stick around to change.
“Daddy?” Noah said, and his voice was confused and still a little scared.
“It’s okay, buddy,” I said soothingly. “You go back to sleep.”
As Kristen got off the bed, I set Noah back down onto it. I pulled the covers up around him and kissed his forehead. He was still drowsy with sleep, and I hoped he would go back to sleep easily.
“Come with me,” I said to Kristen.
I saw her look back at Noah and give him a comforting smile. Again, I saw his hand reach out for her. “Go to sleep, sweetheart,” she said, with a familiarity that I thought was presumptuous of her. “Sweet dreams.”
We walked out into the living room, and I turned to face her. “I want you to leave,” I said bluntly. “Now.”
Kris
ten looked at the time instinctively. “Is something wrong?” she asked, in a concerned voice.
“Everything is fine,” I snapped impatiently. “I just want you to go. Get your stuff and leave—now.”
Her eyes went wide when she realized that I was as angry as I was serious. Even as I was saying the words, a part of me knew how irrational, rude, and ungrateful I was being. But I was too panicked to care about that right now. I just wanted her gone. I knew it was my imagination, but I could feel Daphne’s eyes on the back of my head.
Kristen looked at me for a second longer, then she turned and ran to the room where she had put her stuff. A few seconds later, she emerged again with a bag thrown over one shoulder. She was at the door when she turned suddenly. Her hazel eyes were fixed on my face, and I tried to avoid them desperately.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong, please?” Kristen asked. “I don’t understand.”
“Nor will you,” I said, my tone was harsher than I had intended. “Just go.”
She shook her head at me in complete confusion, and then she was gone. I stood in the empty living room, wondering what on earth had come over me. It was past three in the morning; I shouldn’t have thrown her out at this time.
I had changed, too, I realized with a start. I had become…colder and harsher. Was it possible that I had become cruel, too?
“Daddy?”
I turned and found Noah standing by the sofa, half hiding behind it like he was scared to come out into the open.
“Hi, buddy,” I said, rushing to his side. I knelt down in front of him and gave him a hug that I hoped was comforting. “You should be asleep.”
“Where’s Krissy?” Noah asked.
I paused for a moment. “She had to go home,” I said.
“Why?” he asked in a wheedling voice.
“Come on,” I said, ignoring his question. “Let’s get to bed.”
“I want Krissie,” he said, dragging his feet as I led him back to his room.
“You’ll have to make do with me, kid,” I said, feeling a stab in my heart. “Come on, in you get.”
I sat down beside Noah on his bed. He was looking at me with those big blue eyes of his, and I could sense all the questions in them. The truly heartbreaking part was that I didn’t have any of the answers.
Chapter Eight
Kristen
“Thank God for wine coolers,” Melody said as she handed me one.
We weren’t even bothering with glasses. We were just sitting on the floor of Melody’s living room, drinking straight out of the bottle. I loved evenings like this, when there was nothing else to do but talk and drink and eat. It was especially perfect when there was something to bitch about.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Pizza or shall we order in some sushi?”
“How about both?” Melody suggested.
“Both?” I repeated. “Italian and Japanese…that sounds strange.”
“Fuck it,” Melody said. “I want pizza, and I want sushi, so I’m ordering both.”
I laughed. “Fine,” I said, jumping on board. “Pick any pizza you want; I’m game either way. And sushi… I’ll go for a California maki and a spicy tuna maki.”
“Done and done,” Melody nodded, as she dialed in the delivery number and started to order.
I glanced at my phone and saw that I had new emails from my work account. I sighed and turned my phone over. Work had been particularly awful the past week. Jake had been ignoring me completely, and he hadn’t even addressed what had happened at his place that night.
I had been confused at first, but confusion had quickly given way to anger. He hadn’t even thanked me before kicking me out. It was obvious he was going through something, but that didn’t excuse his behavior…did it?
“So,” Melody said, having finished ordering our dinner. “How are things going at work? Any improvements?”
I had been so upset by what had happened that night at Jake’s house that I’d confided in Melody. She had reacted with the appropriate outrage, and I had felt better for a few minutes.
I sighed. “Awful,” I admitted.
“He’s still ignoring you, huh?”
“Ignoring me, avoiding me, barking orders at me without even glancing up at me,” I said. “It’s like I’m not even a person.”
“He’s a fucking asshole,” she said.
I sighed. “Well…”
“Are you kidding me?” she asked, glaring at me. “By your own account, he’s been treating you like shit after you did him this huge favor. Actually, while you were doing him this huge favor.”
“I know,” I nodded.
“I don’t get it,” she said, shaking her head at me. “Why are you cutting the guy so much slack. You admit that he’s not the nicest guy and yet, it’s like you want to make excuses for him at the same time.”
“I just… He’s had a rough time, okay?” I said, knowing that I was being extremely inconsistent. “I guess I feel bad for him. Maybe he’s in such a horrible mood all the time because life’s been a bitch to him.”
“Have you ever heard of karma?”
“I have, and I believe it,” I said. “But I also believe that sometimes shitty stuff happens to good people.”
“And, you think that Jake is a good person.”
“He served in the military,” I reminded her. “He fought for our country; he risked his life over there.”
“Being a soldier doesn’t automatically make you a good person,” Melody pointed out.
“Doesn’t it?” I asked. “It’s this huge sacrifice…and you never know if you’ll end up coming back home.”
“So what are you trying to say?” she asked, pursing her lips at me. “That justifies his right to treat you like crap?”
“No, of course not.”
“Your crush on him is really getting out of hand.”
“Hey!” I said defensively. “I do not have a crush on Jake.”
Melody rolled her eyes at me. “Sure, sure…if you say so.”
“Don’t do that,” I said, with annoyance. “I’m being serious. In any case, I can’t like him.”
She frowned at me in confusion. “What do you mean, you can’t like him?”
“Uh… Nothing… Just that, he’s my boss is all,” I said. “I can’t possibly have feelings for my boss.”
“That again?”
I laughed. “I’m not giving him a free pass, okay?” I said. “I just feel bad for him sometimes. He has a young son, and he lost his wife early in their marriage. He was plunged into single fatherhood without any warning. I mean, you have to sympathize.”
Melody shrugged. “Okay, it’s a sad story,” she acknowledged at last. “How do you know about his wife, anyhow?”
“Office gossip,” I said quickly.
“You seem to have got all the gossip on your hot boss,” she observed. “Very suspicious if you ask me.”
I rolled my eyes at Melody. “I didn’t move here to meet men,” I said firmly. “I moved here to—”
“Meet me?” Melody interrupted.
I laughed. “Most definitely,” I nodded. “You just might be my soul mate.”
“You sure know how to butter a girl up,” she smiled, giving me a cheeky wink. “How about we get this part started and crack open the ice cream.”
“Ice cream and wine coolers before dinner?” I asked.
“Why the fuck not?” she demanded.
“We’re going to gain back all those calories we burned up at the gym,” I pointed out.
“That’s the whole point,” Melody said. “We both have sexy bodies, which means we work out in order to make up for the calories we’re going to consume later.”
“That makes sense.”
“Everything I say makes sense,” she agreed as she walked to her freezer and grabbed two cartons of ice cream and two spoons and walked back to our cozy little huddle in her tiny living room.
I opened the half-empty carton and poured on some of the wine be
fore dunking my spoon in there. “Damn that’s good,” I sighed.
Melody shook her head at me and popped a large spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. “Men are idiots,” she said.
“Oh dear,” I said.
“What?”
“When you say something like that, it’s almost always because there’s a story that goes with it.”
“You know me so well,” she smiled. “Remember the guy I met in the grocery store?”
“Uh no.”
She looked at me with an annoyed expression. “Yes, you do.”
“I honestly don’t,” I said. “You never mentioned him to me.”
“Shamus.”
“His name is Shamus?” I asked.
“Shamus,” Melody nodded. “Dark hair, brown eyes, killer smile, and a great butt.”
“Still not ringing any bells.”
“Okay, I guess I didn’t tell you then,” Melody said, with a shrug. “So basically…I met him at the grocery store.”
“Right, got that part.”
“And we bonded in the cheese aisle,” she continued. “We ended up at my apartment, and we had just finished fucking—”
“You had sex with him?” I asked incredulously.
“Uh yeah… Why?”
“You had just met him.”
“What’s your point?”
“He was a complete stranger, and you brought him back to your apartment?”
“Still not understanding where you’re going with this?”
I smiled. “He could have been an ax murderer or a rapist or something,” I said, thinking momentarily of Jake. “And even if he were none of those things, he could still have had like three different STDs.”
“We used a condom, obviously,” Melody said.
“Still,” I said. “The man was a complete stranger to you.”
“So?” she asked. “I’ve known couples who’ve been married within a week of meeting one another, and they’ve had epic love stories.”
“With each other?” I asked teasingly.
“Very funny,” she said, narrowing her eyes at me. “It’s possible.”
“So you’re saying that you met Shamus at the grocery store and thought he had the potential to be ‘the one’ and so you brought him to your apartment and slept with him in the hope that one day you might marry him and bear his children.”