Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets
( Get Smart - 4 )
William Johnston
William Johnston
Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets
1
Max Smart, otherwise known as Agent 86 of Control, stepped from his car, glanced to the left, then to the right, then strode forward toward the secret entrance to Control Headquarters. Max should have also looked to the front. For the moment he strode forward he tripped over a small boy and fell flat on his face.
“Shine, mister?” the small boy asked. Having lowered Max to his level, he was now eye-to-eye with him.
“I don’t have time for a shine, sonny,” Max replied, rising. “You see, I just received an emergency call from the Chief. Something big is popping. The fate of the entire civilized world is probably hanging in the balance again.”
The small boy looked at him disappointedly. “You shouldn’t make up stories, mister,” he said. “It’ll become a habit. When you grow up, no one will believe anything you say. Remember the boy who cried ‘Wolf!’?”
Max frowned, shaking his head. “No-what about the boy who cried ‘Wolf!’?”
The boy placed his shoe shine box in front of Max. “Put your foot right there and I’ll tell you about it,” he said.
Max placed a foot on the box. “Yes…?”
“Well, once upon a time,” the small boy began, smearing polish on Max’s shoe, “there was a little boy named Pedro Hernandez. He lived in a small town called Andy’s Mountain. Pedro’s father ran the local coffee house.”
“Coffee house?”
“A small cafe that served only coffee,” the small boy explained. “The men of the town would sit in the coffee house drinking coffee from morn ’til night. There was one man, however, who was no longer allowed to sit in the coffee house and drink coffee from morn ’til night. His name was Wolf Barnschlager. And the reason Wolf Barnschlager was not allowed to sit in the coffee house and drink coffee from morn ’til night was because for years Wolf Barnschlager had been sitting in the coffee house drinking coffee from morn ’til night and he had run up a tab of four-hundred-and-seven dollars and twenty-eight cents, including tax.”
“I see. A deadbeat.”
“No, he was still very much alive,” the small boy replied, buffing Max’s shoe. “In fact, a rumor began circulating in Andy’s Mountain that Wolf Barnschlager planned to disguise himself as a local Indian named Francis X. Sheepfoot, enter the coffee house, order a cup of coffee, drink it, then slip out without paying for it, thereby executing a cruel but clever hoax.”
Max sighed sadly. “Everybody picks on the Indians.”
“Yes. Well, soon after that, little Pedro observed a man entering the coffee house who looked suspiciously like Francis X. Sheepfoot. Immediately, so as to alert his father, he cried, ‘Wolf! Wolf!’ His father, alerted, rushed at the man, got him by the feathers, and hurled him bodily from the coffee house.”
“I know,” Max smiled. “But, as it turned out, the man who looked suspiciously like Francis X. Sheepfoot was, in fact, not Wolf Barnschlager, but Francis X. Sheepfoot. Right?”
“No, it was Wolf Barnschlager, all right,” the small boy replied. “Other shoe, please.”
Max placed the other shoe on the shine box. “Then why was it wrong for Pedro to cry ‘Wolf! Wolf!’?” he asked.
“Wrong? It wasn’t wrong. It was exactly the right thing to do. His father rewarded him handsomely. He made him assistant manager of the coffee house.”
Max looked down at the boy puzzledly. “Then I don’t see the point-”
He was interrupted by a ringing sound.
“Excuse me,” Max said. “I’ll have to have my shoe back. It’s ringing.”
The small boy groaned. “It happens every time! Right in the middle of a shine!”
Max removed his foot from the box, then removed the shoe from his foot.
Max: Maxwell Smart, Secret Agent 86 here.
Chief: Max! Where are you? We’re waiting!
Max: I’m on my way, Chief. I’m right outside Headquarters now. The instant this boy finishes polishing my telephone, I’ll be right in.
Operator: Polishing your telephone! If that boy ruins our instrument, there’ll be Bell to pay!
Chief: Max, this is no time to get a shoe shine!
Max: Same old thing hanging in the balance again, Chief?
Chief: Worse, Max! Worse-believe me! Now, get in here!
Operator: The idea! Smearing gunk all over our phone!
Max: Please accept my apology-both of you. I’m on my way, Chief.
Max slipped his shoe back on his foot. “I’m sorry I can’t stay to hear the end of the story,” he said to the small boy.
“That was the end,” the boy replied. “Unless, of course, you’re interested in the part about-” He shook his head. “No, you wouldn’t be interested in that part.”
“I would, I would,” Max said. “What happened?”
“That’s Part II,” the boy replied. “You get Part II when you get a second shoe shine.”
“Drat!” Max said. “Just when it was getting interesting, too. Look, uh, would it be in bad taste to get my second shoe shine right now? I know you shoe shine boys have your rules and all that, but-”
Max’s shoe began ringing again.
“The Chief again,” Max said. “I better get inside.” He handed the small boy a coin. “Anyway,” he said, “thank you for a very enjoyable experience.” He patted the boy’s head. “You’re a bright lad, and I’m sure you’ll go far.”
The boy picked up his box. “It’s not in the cards,” he said sorrowfully.
“Oh?”
“I’m failure-prone,” the boy replied. “Look at me now-a lowly shoe shine boy. And-would you believe it? — I was once the assistant manager of a coffee house.”
“You mean…?”
“If you ever need another shine, look me up,” the boy said, walking away. “Ask for Pedro.”
Max stared after him for a moment, then turned and entered Control Headquarters. “I’d still like to hear the details,” he said to himself.
When Max reached the Chief’s office he rapped briskly on the door.
“How many ‘s’s in Mississippi?” a voice responded.
“I don’t know, Chief-how many ‘s’s are there in Mississippi?” Max asked.
“Max, that’s the code for today!”
“Oh. Well, let’s see, there are four ‘a’s in Alabama. And there are two ‘l’s in Pennsylvania. And there are-”
“Max! The correct answer is, ‘there are no “s”s in Mississippi!’ ”
“I don’t think that’s quite right, Chief. I may not be too great on Pennsylvania, but I’m a whiz on Mississippi. There happen to be-”
“Max! Come in!”
Max opened the door and stepped into the Chief’s office. He saw Agent 99 seated in a chair next to the desk. “99,” he said, “would you straighten the Chief out on Mississippi? He seems to think-”
“Max, he was using the code,” 99 replied. “The code is, ‘There are no “s”s in Mississippi.’ In other words, the wrong answer is the right answer. But, if you didn’t know the code, you wouldn’t know that. So, you’d give the right answer-and that would be the wrong answer. You couldn’t get in here without the wrong answer, Max.”
“I see. Then how did I get in here?”
“In your case, I always make an exception, Max,” the Chief explained. “You never have the wrong answer.”
Max smiled appreciatively. “Thank you, Chief.”
“You’re welcome. Now, can we get down to business?”
Max put up a ha
nd. “Just a minute, Chief. I haven’t punched in.” He went to the rack of time cards, selected one, then placed it into the slot of the time clock. A bell rang. Max extracted the card and placed it back in the rack. “Which reminds me,” Max said, turning back to the Chief. “My last pay check was short a dollar and seventy-four cents.”
“Well, I’m sorry, Max, but-”
“For overtime,” Max said, approaching the desk. “I don’t want to be petty about it, but if I owed Control a dollar and seventy-four cents for overtime, I would certainly pay up. What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.”
“I’ll try to-”
“It isn’t much, I know, if you think of it in dollars and cents,” Max said. “But translate it into marbles, at three for a penny, and it would come to quite a handful.”
“I know, Max, I know,” the Chief said. “I’ll send a note to Accounting and make sure that you get your money.”
“Ahhhh, Chief… could I have it in marbles? It will seem like a lot more.”
“Anything you say, Max,” the Chief sighed. “Now, may we discuss the case at hand?”
Max seated himself in the chair at the other side of the Chief’s desk. “I wondered when you were going to get around to that,” he said. “You seemed pretty excited when you interrupted my shoe shine.”
“Max,” the Chief said, leaning forward, “this is the most important case you’ve ever been handed.”
“You mean the fate of the entire civilized world is hanging in the balance again, eh?”
“It’s even more drastic than that. Max, this time it’s the fate of Control that’s hanging in the balance.”
“You know what that means, Max,” 99 said.
“Right! Our jobs are at stake!” He faced back to the Chief. “Give it to me straight, Chief.”
“All right, Max, here it is. Control has acquired possession of KAOS’s ‘Little Black Book.’ That book contains data on the location, layout and organizational structure of every one of KAOS’s installations.”
“Good for us,” Max smiled. “How did we do that, Chief?”
“One of the KAOS agents left it lying on a lunch counter,” the Chief replied. “And, by a stroke of luck, the waitress who was serving him was one of our agents. But that’s not all, Max. Just as we acquired possession of KAOS’s Little Black Book, our Research and Development Department completed work on a compact and especially destructive explosive. This explosive is very tiny. It’s about the size-” He reached into his pocket. “Here, I’ll show you,” he said, holding out a tiny green pellet the size of a pea.
“Chief, I think I can tell you what you had for dinner the last time you wore that suit,” Max said.
“No, Max, this is it. This is the explosive. As you can see, it’s no larger than a pea.”
“Amazing!” Max said, taking the pellet from the Chief and holding it up. “It actually looks like a pea. I wonder how it would taste with roast beef?”
“Don’t try it,” the Chief warned, retrieving the pellet and putting it back into his pocket. “Now, Max, the important thing about this explosive is that it can be planted at one time and detonated any time later, and from somewhere else. In fact, from anywhere else.”
“I see. It has a long fuse, right?”
“No, Max. This explosive is electronically operated.” He pointed to a button on his desk. “If I were to punch this button, Max, every pellet, everywhere, would explode. This is the electronic control. Do you realize, Max, what would happen if I punched that button?”
Max nodded. “It would rain peas.”
“Not quite, Max. Try again.”
“Well, let’s see. There is a pea in your pocket. So that means that you would probably ruin a perfectly good suit.”
“You’re getting closer, Max. Let’s just suppose that one of these explosives had been planted in each of the KAOS installations. Then, let’s just suppose that I punched this button. Can you visualize the result?”
Max closed his eyes tightly. “Yes… I can see it. It looks like an early Fourth of July.”
“Exactly, Max,” the Chief said.
“Chief, how are Max and I involved in this?” 99 asked.
“Your mission, 99-and Max-is to travel to each of the KAOS installations, infiltrate, and plant an explosive. After you have done that, you are to return to Headquarters.”
“I see,” 99 said. “And then-”
The Chief nodded. “And then, I will punch the button.”
“Chief, isn’t that a little silly?” Max said. “After we’ve gone to all the trouble of planting those peas, then you’re going to blow them up?”
“And blow up the KAOS installations, too, Max,” the Chief explained.
“Oh, yes… I see. Very clever, Chief. I never would have thought of that.”
“That’s wonderful, Chief!” 99 enthused. “We now have the means to destroy KAOS completely for once and all!”
“Exactly,” the Chief smiled.
“Ahhh… one thing,” Max said. “Chief, when you opened this discussion, you told us that the fate of Control was hanging in the balance. But, the way it sounds to me, it’s the fate of KAOS that’s hanging in the balance.”
“That’s very observant of you, Max,” the Chief replied. “As a matter of fact, there’s more to the story.”
“I see. Part II, eh?”
“You might say that, yes.”
Max put his foot up on the Chief’s desk. “I suppose you’ll want to shine my shoe while you tell it.”
The Chief pushed the shoe aside. “No, I don’t believe so. But I understand what you mean. I do business with Pedro, too.”
“What is Part II, Chief?” 99 asked.
“Well, as you know, Control has-or, rather, had — a ‘Little Black Book’ that is similar-or, rather, identical-to KAOS’s Little Black Book. Unfortunately, one of our agents left it on a lunch counter. And, doubly unfortunately, the waitress was a KAOS agent.”
Max pounded a hand against the side of his head. “I think there’s an echo in here, Chief,” he said. “I’m hearing things twice.”
“No, it’s a different story, it just sounds the same,” the Chief said. “And, to make it even more of a coincidence, we have been informed by one of our informers at KAOS that KAOS’s Research and Development Department has developed a compact and especially destructive explosive that can be planted at one time and detonated any time later and from afar.”
“There goes that echo again, Chief,” Max complained.
“Chief,” 99 said, “could it be that at this very moment-”
“Yes,” the Chief broke in. “At this very moment, a KAOS agent is attempting to infiltrate our installations and plant the KAOS explosives. And when and if he completes the mission he is to return to KAOS Headquarters. At that time, KAOS will-” The Chief shuddered.
“Yes, yes, what?” Max asked.
“Let me put it this way… on the desk of the Chief at KAOS there is a button…”
Max pounded the side of his head again. “Chief, I’m sure there’s an echo in here.”
“Then it’s a race, is that it, Chief?” 99 said.
“Exactly, 99. You and Max will be attempting to plant explosives in the KAOS installations. And, at the same time, the KAOS agent will be attempting to plant explosives in the Control installations. The winner will be the winner. We’re calling this: Operation Button Button Who’ll Punch the Button!”
“If I’ve doped this out correctly,” Max said, rising, “we don’t have a second to lose. Every wasted moment puts Control in more and more danger. 99-let’s go!”
Max strode to the door, whipped it open, charged from the room, and dashed down the corridor.
The Chief shook his head woefully.
99 rolled her eyes ceilingward.
Together and in silence they waited.
A few moments later, Max reappeared in the doorway. “99-you’re not with me,” he said chastisingly.
“Max-”
“99, there’s no more time for idle chatter! That KAOS agent is out there somewhere attempting to infiltrate our installations. We should be doing the same thing.”
“Max-think,” the Chief said. “Where is it you’ll be going?”
“To infiltrate our installations.”
“Where, Max…?”
“I just told you. To infil-” Max frowned, thinking. “Oh, yes, I see what you mean. Apparently, Chief, I got Part I and Part II a little mixed up. And no wonder-with that echo in here. Let’s see now, it isn’t our installations we’re to infiltrate, it’s their installations-right?”
“Right, Max!”
“Got it!” Max said. “Let’s go, 99!” Again, he charged from the room and dashed down the corridor.
The Chief covered his eyes with a hand and leaned his elbow on his desk.
99 made soft humming sounds.
Together they waited.
A few minutes later, Max returned. He entered the office, looking slightly crestfallen, and sat down again in the chair beside the Chief’s desk.
“I hate to be picky, Chief,” Max said, “but you forgot to tell us where the KAOS installations are located.”
“I’m glad you thought of that, Max,” the Chief said.
“I’m nothing if not thorough,” Max replied.
The Chief picked up a black satchel that was beside his chair and put it on the desk. “All the information you’ll need is in here,” he said. “I’ve had a ‘fact sheet’ prepared on each of the KAOS installations. It gives the location and a little background on the KAOS man in charge. I think you’ll find the information interesting, and I hope that, as well, you’ll find it helpful.” He opened the black satchel and got out a small plastic bag. It appeared to contain peas. “These pellets are the explosives,” he said. “Your task will be to plant one pellet at each installation.”
“There are a lot of peas there, Chief,” Max said. “Are there that many KAOS installations?”
The Chief shook his head. “No, Max. But I thought you’d better have an extra-large supply. I know how you misplace things.”
“Chief, that’s unfair. What did I ever lose?”
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