Lacy patted her knee. “I can’t imagine how that must feel.”
Montana hugged her pillow, watching Tate as he played with his momma’s necklace. “I feel like such a whiner. I’m an adult. I am a CPA—whether I like it or not. I’m a strong, independent woman and I’m acting like a baby. I hate this.”
Lacy was studying her with thoughtful eyes. “Do you love Luke?”
Montana buried her face in her pillow. “I think I do,” she said, her voice muffled in the pillow. “But I can’t,” she said, sighing.
“The romantic in me is thrilled and happy and wants you to go throw yourself into his arms and let’s have a wedding.” Lacy laid her hand on hers. “But this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to continue to pray. I know God has a plan. He always does.” She nodded her head enthusiastically when Montana frowned. “I think y’all go together like pie and ice cream.”
“Only you would think that way,” Montana said, her lip twitching despite her misery.
“There’s no rush on this. Take it one day at a time. Just do me a favor and don’t close your heart to this wonderful man God has put in your path, simply because your dad messed up. God can mend all fences and bring good from all things bad. Life is full of bad things. Wrongdoings and devastating blows. But God is always, always, always steady as the rock that He is. He will never leave you or forsake you, and He will not give you more than you can handle.” Lacy rattled off promises from God like she was really expecting them to come true. “And I’m telling you that, in the process, He’s making you stronger than you ever thought you could be.”
Montana thought of Luke and all he’d been through as a kid growing up, and the man he’d become. She admired him so very much. Talk about strong. He was amazing. There was so much he could have held against God, and his mother and his dad. But he didn’t seem to. It was something she longed to understand.
Montana took a deep breath. There were so many things going on in her life. So many conflicts swirling around in her head and heart that she felt dizzy. “I’m not going to think about any of that today. Today, I’m going to make a plan before I hit the road hard.”
“I told Clint yesterday to get the trailer and truck ready because you were about to shoot for the stars. You deserve it.”
Did she? Montana knew the anger that was still bolted inside her heart. Luke had somehow dealt with issues of his own, and she wanted to know how he’d done it. Her heart hadn’t softened, and it wasn’t because she hadn’t prayed about it. She had.
She wondered what Luke would think of her if he knew exactly how angry she was inside? He was the honorable one, she wasn’t so honorable.
How could she feel so angry and then feel so guilty for not being able to forgive her dad?
She was just one goofed-up cookie, was all there was to it. God was probably looking down, wagging His head and wondering if she was ever going to get things figured out.
Montana wondered that, too.
“Luke, we came to talk.”
It was practically the break of dawn, and the matchmaking posse was standing on Luke’s front porch a couple of days after he and Montana had gone out. He pulled the door open, and there they stood with the rising sun at their backs. The roosters had barely stopped crowing it was so early.
“Okay. Shoot.” He stepped back and motioned them to come inside.
Norma Sue led the way inside, barreling past him to stand beside the kitchen counter. Esther Mae and Adela followed. They were a work in contradictions as they passed him one by one. Norma Sue in her jeans and button-down shirt, topped off with her white Stetson, Esther Mae in her grape slacks and orange shirt that fought hard with her red hair. And then refined Adela, petite and fragile in her pale pink blouse and cream slacks. She gave him a lovely smile as she entered.
“We are so glad we caught you before you started your day,” she said, patting his arm. “We know how busy you are.”
He gave a wary smile, feeling oddly nervous with them looking like they were on official business. Matchmaking business, he presumed.
“We’ve come to ask you a favor.” Norma Sue crossed her arms, looking like she dared him to say no. Luke knew she was like a steamroller when she got going, and he wondered if he was about to get mowed down.
“You know I’ll do my best to help y’all any way I can.” It was true. He loved and respected these ladies—despite being a bit scared of them. What were they up to?
“We think you should ask Montana to work for you,” Esther Mae proposed, looking as if she’d just told him he’d won a million dollars.
He laughed because he’d already thought of the same thing. “You do? And what makes you think that?”
“We overheard Jess telling Sam that the business was growing and that you had been thinking about hiring some bookkeeping help.”
He had been thinking that. He’d even thought about offering it to Montana last night, but then he’d gone and opened his big mouth and told her he loved her.
If he wanted to scare her off, he’d chosen exactly the right thing to say.
She’d almost run the seventy miles home from Ranger that night.
Offering the job to her might have put the last nail in his coffin, so he’d kept his mouth shut on the way home. “I’ve thought about it,” he admitted to the ladies. “But I’m not so sure she would accept it. She—” He halted, the temptation to tell them he loved her churned inside of him.
“Why’d she get mad at you?” Norma Sue asked, studying him like a hawk.
Luke pulled at his collar. “I, ah—”
“You told her you loved her!” Ester Mae yelped. “Is that it?”
His mouth fell open. Instantly, three sets of eyes flew wide.
“Well, I’ll be,” Norma Sue hooted, slapping him on the back. “I’m impressed with you, Luke. You’ve got gumption.”
“I didn’t say—”
Adela smiled. “You don’t have to explain. We’re on your side.”
Looking at their smiling faces, he caved. “I’m afraid I may have done more harm than good. She’s not too happy about all of this. I’m afraid offering her a job might do more harm than good. She might not take it.”
Esther Mae harrumphed. “Are you kidding? She’ll accept. She wants to rodeo and this is right up her alley.”
“Not to mention she’d get to be near you in the bargain,” Norma Sue added, her plump cheeks shining, she was grinning so big.
Luke stared at the ladies. He needed any and all the help he could get. He’d planned on offering her the job because it would be perfect for her and help him out, too, both in the business and personally, since it would give him an excuse to see her.
Adela had said little as Esther Mae and Norma Sue rattled on about all the positives of the situation. Their excited chattering was neverending. Miss Adela was watching him with her wise blue eyes, so sure and steady that he felt certain that this was the move to make. She didn’t have to say anything, just be there, giving him that look.
“I’ll ask her,” he said at last.
Norma Sue slapped him on the back again, so hard this time that if he hadn’t been leaning against the breakfast bar, he’d have been knocked back a step or two. “There you go!” she boomed. “Now you’re talking. I told them you were too smart a man to miss this opportunity.”
“I’m so excited.” Esther Mae clasped her hands together as if in prayer. “This is perfect.”
“I’ll head over there in a few minutes and go ahead and get it done.”
“We’ll pray for it to all work out.” Adela laid her hand back on his forearm and squeezed reassuringly. “I’m feeling very good about this.”
“Me, too,” Esther Mae gushed, her cheeks pink with excitement. Norma Sue nodded, her eyes glinting with the thrill of a new match being made.
Luke wasn’t so sure. He was beginning to think they might be holding out hope for a situation that just might not have the solution they wanted it to have. After Montana�
��s reaction the other night, he kept thinking she was like a skittish colt with open pastures beckoning. But he wasn’t a quitter. Not when the prize was right in front of him.
And that meant he had a job to offer the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
He wanted Montana. For now and for always.
Chapter Twenty
“A job?”
Montana was still shook up about Luke telling her he loved her, and now he was offering her a job? “No, I don’t think that would be a very good idea.” She’d been checking out the trailer she was going to use to haul Murdock to a rodeo in Stephenville, Texas, that weekend. She’d been startled when Luke had stopped by and dropped this new bombshell of a job on her.
“I know you need help paying for your expenses. And I got to thinking that I need some help with the business. It’s growing, and I need professional help with my record keeping and paperwork. Montana, I’m offering you my heart, but since you’re not ready for that—” he grinned sheepishly “—then I’m offering you a job instead. Yes, that’ll mean you’ll be near me and I get to make you fall madly in love with me somewhere along the way. But in the meantime you’ll get to support your dream.”
Montana tried hard to concentrate on the job part of his pronouncement, and keep her heart out of it. It wasn’t helping that he looked nervous. Luke Holden wasn’t the nervous type, yet he was right now. And sweet…and dear.
“It would be a win-win for us both,” he continued when she didn’t say anything.
How could she? Goodness, she loved looking into his eyes. Oh, how she could look at him forever…
No! Stop—she had rodeos to win and roads to travel and dreams to live….
“Tell me more,” she forced out. “Though I’m not sure it’s good to even think about. I’m afraid you might get hurt in the end—”
He crinkled his forehead. “You let me worry about myself. I’m trying to take care of you.”
Montana had a problem. She wanted to throw her arms around him and live happily ever after. She wanted to let him take care of her as he’d said. But that was part of her problem…she needed to do this on her own.
“Luke, I don’t want someone to take care of everything,” she said more aggressively than she’d meant to. She could tell her tone caught him off guard, but he recovered quickly.
“I didn’t mean it literally,” Luke said. “I’m not your father. I’m not planning on taking over your life.”
“I hate this,” Montana groaned, walking down the side of the horse trailer as she tried to fight the sudden flood of anger that surged forward. “I have too much to accomplish, and too much stuff going on inside my head. It hasn’t been easy to let things go. I can’t set this anger at my father aside. It’s there, underlining everything I do.”
Luke came up beside her. He looked straight ahead, staring out across the pasture where a group of cattle grazed between two rambling oaks.
“Montana, I hear the bitterness in you. You need to talk about this with your dad and try to resolve it.”
“I can’t. Why is that? Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I feel joy, reaching for my dreams?” Or falling in love, she wanted to add but didn’t. She thought, from the shadow of sadness she saw darken Luke’s eyes, that he hadn’t missed the omission. “Why can’t I move on?”
He nudged her shoulder with his own. “I think you’re too full of resentment to feel real joy. You have to let it go. That’s what I had to do.”
She closed her eyes, trying for peace. None came.
“Forgiveness is a tough thing when you don’t want to let it go. But it’s something you have to do for yourself. And it’s something that you have to work at sometimes.”
Forgiveness. There it was, she thought with resolve. She’d been pushing it farther and farther back into the shadows, trying to get past it.
She was so angry at her dad that she really didn’t want to let the anger go and forgive him. And yet, there was a part of her that did. A part of her that was still his little girl who wanted his love and affection. His approval.
She raised fingers to her temple. Her head was pounding and she felt hot. “I can’t do it, Luke.”
He turned and dipped his chin, giving her a very frank appraisal. “You can do anything you set your mind to. You’re Montana Brown and you’re fearless. I’ve seen you ride.” He gave her a devastating smile, his expression so sure.
She couldn’t help smiling back, though it was small. “I don’t feel fearless. I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore,” she whispered.
“You can trust me, Montana. I know your dad let you down. But you can’t let his behavior, his choices, affect your life anymore. You have to choose your own path.”
“Like you’ve done?”
He nodded. “I’ll admit that I’ve let my dad’s prediction that I’d never amount to anything, that I’d be worthless, drive me all of my life. But I’ve tried to balance that with God’s direction.”
“You couldn’t be worthless if you tried your hardest. You are worth something wonderful. God didn’t make worthless people…they make themselves.”
His eyes widened. “See, you do know a thing or two. Exactly. People pick and choose their character and the things that define them. My dad’s lack of parenting and love affect my character only as far as I will allow it. When my brothers and I found ourselves basically on our own, I realized I had to make a difference for myself and for them. I think that’s what made my dad despise me so much.”
His words cut through her. How could a dad want his son to be worthless? How hard it must have been for Luke. “You are a true survivor, Luke. I respect you so much. But…” she took a deep breath, knowing suddenly that she had to understand about his mother, “…I need to ask you something.”
“Anything.”
Taking a few strides, she walked to the front of the trailer. There was a flatbed truck parked there, and she sat down on it. Her knees felt weak suddenly. Looking up at Luke, she knew she needed the answers. Needed to understand about his mother more than anything else.
Luke sat beside her.
“I’m serious, Montana, you can trust me. What do you need to know?” He took her hand in his and squeezed it. A million butterflies went crazy in her stomach. The air went light, even though they were sitting in the wide-open breeze.
You love him…
It’s impossible not to love him.
Especially when he’s squeezing your hand and looking deep into your eyes like now.
Montana closed her eyes and tried to still the voice inside her head. But when she closed her eyes, all she saw was Luke’s smiling face.
Luke took Montana’s hand and squeezed gently. He wanted to help her move forward. If she could, then maybe they could see where they stood. Montana had grabbed hold of him from the first day, and he hadn’t been able to get her off his mind. He couldn’t remember if it’d been Sam or App or Stanley who had said it for certain, but he remembered the warning, that one day he wouldn’t be able to walk away.
That day had come.
“Montana, I need you to understand that my dad chose his path. He’s the one who picked up a bottle. That sounds harsh, but it’s true. I have a lot of resentment in me over that. My mom chose to leave, and for the longest time, I had resentment for that, too. But I had little brothers counting on me. And even though I was young, I could still work some and make sure they had food. We didn’t always have electricity when I was younger, but we had bread and peanut butter.”
Montana’s fingers tightened around his and her eyes glistened. She turned her hand so that she was clutching his. “I hate the picture that paints. I hate that you lived through that.”
Looking at her, he was more certain than anything that he loved her. The knowledge sent a thrill of anticipation racing through him. And an even stronger drive to help her past the pain that held her locked in its grip. “I won’t kid you, Montana, I hated my dad for the longest time, and I wanted
to hate my mother. But Clint’s dad, Mac Matlock, helped me realize that we don’t get to choose our parents. And sometimes a person doesn’t get to choose the decisions that a spouse makes. Spouses can choose to leave for whatever reasons and there isn’t anything the other person or the kids can do about it.” He paused, remembering how painful it had been learning that lesson. He didn’t wish it on anyone.
He gave her an encouraging smile. “Mac taught me what a person can control. What a man is supposed to be. He taught me that a man’s character is the only real thing he can control. He did it through demonstration, in being there for his son and making his ranch a success by being honest and having his word mean something. And he did it with a Bible in his hand. He told me I could choose who I wanted to be, and not let circumstance dictate it for me.”
Montana smiled. “You chose to forgive.”
“Not as quickly as it seems to you now. Believe me, the Bible is filled with verses about forgiveness, but back then I was like you. I was so angry that I couldn’t let myself give it up. Even though I knew that’s what God would have me do, I couldn’t just do it. But then I understood that I could be like my dad or I could be like Mac. That’s when I chose. That’s when it turned easy.”
“That’s why you were so patient with Erica, despite all the rude things she did to you. And that’s why you forgave your mother, though she abandoned you.”
“Because I chose to. I want to be the kind of man God wants me to be. I don’t always make it, but I strive for that. I still have lingering bouts of anger toward my dad. He never regretted what he did to us. That’s the difference between him and my mom. She regrets it every day of her life and still does. That’s why she won’t move here and live on the ranch. She’s embarrassed and can’t forgive herself.”
Luke stood and wrapped Montana up in his arms. She felt so good there with her heart pounding against his. “Let it go, Montana. Make your life your own. Give it to God and then let Him guide you.” And let me love you.
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