And that line of thinking brought him to the hopelessness. He was already so dejected by life. First Carolyn, then this whole mess with Eva. And now he wouldn’t even have football. The one thing that had always been there, that he’d always been good at. Football had always been one area of his life that had been nothing but success after success. And now it was all gone. He’d go down as an idiot who got shot over some broad and lost his career. Everyone would forget about him. He’d be nobody. And he’d be alone.
Kenny didn’t cry often, but that night, as he let the waves of dejection wash over him, tears came and ran in a steady stream down his cheeks. He’d said it earlier to Audrey and he thought it again and again. What was the point to any of this? Why bother living this life that he was clearly so bad at? Maybe he should just give up.
Well, he had a surgery coming up. He still hadn’t heard it from the doctor that he couldn’t play football again. Maybe Audrey had been wrong or something changed. He’d at least wait to make sure. No point in ending his life if he could still play. He could wait that long. But once the doctor said it was impossible, then there would be nothing left. Then, he would start making plans to get out of this miserable life.
In the morning, the doctor came in to see him as part of his normal rounds.
“We’re all set for your surgery tomorrow,” he said.
Kenny nodded. “And what will this do, again?”
“Repair the damaged muscle tissue.”
“And my leg will be back to normal after that?”
The doctor put down his clipboard to look at him. “It’ll probably never be back to how it was before, but with enough therapy, you can regain most functionality.”
“What won’t I be able to do?”
“Well, it’s hard to say just now. It depends on how the surgery goes, and how you recover after. How hard you’re willing to work in physical therapy will determine a lot of how well you recover.”
“But do you expect a full recovery? I mean, when can I play football again?”
The doctor looked at him for a moment. Oh, this is it, Kenny thought. He’s about to ruin my life.
“I don’t have an answer for you yet. You need to give the muscle time to heal fully before you put that kind of stress on it.”
“But I will play again? For sure?”
“We’ll know more after the surgery.”
“And you’d tell me if it looked like I couldn’t play again, right? You wouldn’t keep that from me, would you?” He felt himself losing it. It seemed like this doctor was playing games and not being honest and that pissed him off. He wanted him to confirm it. To say no, he’d never ever play again. To let him move on and act accordingly. But he was dancing around it, refusing to give a straight answer.
“A lot hinges on this surgery. I can’t say for sure either way right now, but there’s always a chance that you would no longer be able to play professionally. We will do everything we can to make sure you regain full use of your leg, including playing ball. But I can’t tell you it’s 100% certain that you will.”
“What are my chances?”
“Again, I’ll know more after tomorrow.”
Kenny shook his head. “You’re lying. This has been nothing but a bunch of straight up lies. Just tell me. I know what it says on my chart. It says I’ll never play again.”
The doctor narrowed his eyes. “How would you know what your chart says?”
His answer would be a critical decision. If he told the truth, he might get Audrey in trouble or even fired. Then she’d definitely hate him. But if he lied, he could tell her about it later, how he’d lied for her so that she wouldn’t get in trouble. Then he’d get some brownie points with her and maybe that would make her like him.
“I stole the clipboard,” he said.
The doctor looked over the papers. “Really? Because Audrey wrote here that she told you that a full recovery was unlikely.”
She did what? Why would she do such a thing? Did she think that by confessing, she would get in less trouble? She must’ve thought he’d tell them. That he’d try to get her in trouble, and she was preempting him. She must think so little of him. Well, at least he had tried. He hadn’t blamed her. If she confessed, that was on her.
“Is that what she wrote?” Kenny shook his head. This probably wouldn’t work, but it was worth a shot. “She’s just covering for me.”
“Uh huh,” the doctor said. “We’ll talk after the surgery tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it goes, and I’ll see you about a week later, once the swelling has gone down so that we can see how things are coming along. After you start physical therapy, we’ll have a better idea of what your future holds.”
Kenny slumped back in the bed. Whatever. The doctor wouldn’t tell him anything and that was fine. There was a chance the surgery would work. He’d wait until after to do anything. It wasn’t like he really wanted to die. He just didn’t want to live a life where he couldn’t play ball and he’d become completely useless in all things.
“See you in the morning,” the doctor.
When Kenny didn’t respond, he walked away without another word. So, did the doctors and nurses make a note every time they talked to him? Would it say something about how he’d accused the doctor of lying? Maybe he should steal the chart and see what they said about him. See how much they really hated him. Probably was full of nothing but horrible things about him.
Later that day another nurse came in. “Good morning, Mr. Boyer,” she said cheerfully.
Maybe she hadn’t read the chart that said he was mean and rude. “Where’s Audrey?”
“It’s her day off.”
Great. Well this day just got even better. At least Audrey would tell him the truth. She hadn’t even meant to and had. But now she wasn’t there. He’d be left alone to speculate and hate life, and wouldn’t even get to see her until the next day.
And he had been looking forward to seeing her. He realized it more as the day went on and the next nurse came in for the night shift. Would Audrey be back in the morning then? Or not until tomorrow night? He wanted to see her. To tell her how he’d tried to save her from getting in trouble. He wanted to make her like him.
He drifted off to sleep that night hungry since he couldn’t eat before the surgery, and lonely. No one had been in to see him today and he missed Audrey. Tomorrow could turn out to be very good, though. Maybe the doctor would say things went better than expected and he could play soon. And Audrey would be there and would be thrilled at his lying to save her. And his teammates would come because they knew he had surgery. Tomorrow had to be better than today at least.
Kenny woke up after the surgery in a large recovery room. There was a lot of commotion around him. People talking, doctors and nurses walking around. He wanted to be taken to his room to have some quiet.
“Nurse,” he mumbled. His brain felt fuzzy and he couldn’t put thoughts together well. But someone must’ve heard him because a woman in scrubs appeared at the edge of his curtain.
“Did you call for a nurse?”
“Take me to my room.” His words sounded weak, but he hoped she knew who he was and would comply.
“As soon as the doctor clears you to go up.”
“Get the doctor.”
“He’s not available right now. Soon.”
The anger surpassed the fog, but it was still hard to form full words. “Get him now!”
The nurse left his sight. Good. That must’ve told her. Somewhere after that he drifted off. When he woke, he was moving. Someone was taking him down a hall.
“Where’s Audrey?” he asked the guy pulling him along. His voice still came out scratchy, but was a little stronger.
“Who’s Audrey, your girlfriend?”
“No, the nurse.”
“Not sure. I’m just transporting you. Is she a floor nurse?”
“Yeah.”
“Then maybe she’s on your floor.”
“I saved her, you know.” Everyone shou
ld know what he’d done. Know how good of a guy he was. They should all love him.
“Ahh,” the nurse said. “That was nice of you.”
The bed stopped moving and Kenny realized they were back in his room. But he couldn’t remember getting there.
A nurse came into the room after them and he recognized her.
“Audrey,” he muttered.
“You’re Audrey,” the man said. “He was asking for you.”
“He was?” Audrey came over to stand across from the other nurse.
“Yup.” Then he counted to three and they lifted him by the sheet under him and moved him over to his bed.
“You’re strong,” Kenny said, smiling at her.
“So, the anesthesia is still working,” the man said, giving Audrey a look.
She nodded and smiled down at Kenny.
“He’s talking about me,” Kenny accused.
“I thought you liked that,” Audrey said.
“Sometimes.”
The male nurse walked away and Kenny was alone with Audrey.
“So you were asking for me, huh?” she said.
“Missed you,” he said.
“Oh really.” She crossed her arms and gave him a half smile. “I kinda like you all doped up. You’re much nicer.”
She walked toward the door, but he called out after her, “Hey!”
“Yes?”
“I saved you!”
“Thanks?” She looked confused, and left the room.
He called her name, but she didn’t return. Where had she gone? He tried to keep his eyes open, to wait for her, but they grew heavy again.
When he woke this time, his mind was much clearer. He could think straight, but when he tried to recall anything from earlier, he couldn’t. He pressed the button to call for a nurse.
“Yes?”
“Is Audrey here?” he asked.
“I’ll send her in.”
She was here then. Good. She walked into the room a few minutes later.
“Look who’s finally awake.”
“Have you been here long?” he asked.
“You don’t remember seeing me this morning after your surgery?”
He thought back. Surely he would have remembered seeing her. “No.”
“Anesthesia is like that. How are you feeling?”
“Okay. My leg hurts.”
“We can increase your pain meds. Anything else going on?”
He shook his head. “Just glad you’re here.”
“So, no more proclamations of how you saved me?”
Oh no. Had he said something stupid while we was waking up? “Umm?”
“You don’t remember that either. You were extra nice when you were still coming out of it. It was a nice change.”
His face fell. She did hate him then. He’d already blown it.
“I’d like to think that’s the real you,” she continued, “and that the rest is just an act to come off tough.”
“I wish that were true. I don’t know if it is.”
“Only you can change your attitude.”
He groaned. “You and this attitude stuff. Has it worked for you?”
“So far. I like my life. And I’m happy with it.”
Kenny stared off for a moment, thinking. His gaze fell onto the empty chair and he wondered if anyone would come see him today. Maybe she was right. He needed to at least consider it. Maybe his bad attitude had kept people away from him. His teammates had come to see him, but only once, and he thought that had more to do with showing the media that they would be there for him no matter what than them actually caring about him. His mom and sisters couldn’t come because it was too expensive to fly. He thought about sending them the money for the plane tickets, but couldn’t remember now why he’d decided not to.
“Thinking about how you’ll save me next time?” she asked with a smirk.
“I have no idea what I was talking about.” Crap. Who else had he said that to? Now it seemed like his little lie to the doctor to keep her out of trouble was pointless. Had he really been so convinced that he’d saved her from getting into more trouble? She’d confessed herself. He’d done nothing except lie and make himself look worse.
“Well, don’t worry about it. You’ve said much worse things. I think the doctor is on the floor. He should be in to see you soon.”
“Did it go well? Does it say anything on my chart?” He nodded toward her clipboard.
“Everything went as expected. He’ll have the details of the actual surgery. Those notes won’t be on here. Just the basics.”
He hoped she would still be honest with him if it was bad. “Will you come back in after he leaves?”
“Sure. I’ll finish up checking on my other patients on the floor, then I’ll come back and see how you are.”
“Thanks.”
She smiled and nodded and walked out of the room.
Kenny ran his fingers through his hair. What an idiot. Why hadn’t he realized sooner how amazing this girl was? Why had he said so many stupid and mean things to her? He should have been trying to win her heart from the beginning. Now, every time he looked at her, he wanted her. He wanted to make her love him. Could he still do it somehow?
As he thought of a plan to win her over, he realized that he had no idea how to do it. Back in college, he’d had girlfriends, but they weren’t serious. Someone to hang out with, get drunk with, sleep with. Carolyn was the first woman to really steal his heart, and that had failed miserably. There was a good chance he was actually clueless when it came to keeping a woman. He saw plenty of action, sure. But he wanted more than that now. No more of these one night things. He wanted an every night thing.
Hadn’t she told him what to do? Have a more positive attitude. Be nicer to people. Well, how in the world could he do that when he was so miserable? Maybe she wasn’t worth it. Maybe he needed to find someone who he had a clean slate with.
The doctor strolled into the room with his clipboards and a no nonsense expression. “Mr. Boyer. How are we doing?”
“Fine.”
“Surgery went well. Everything as expected. You should be starting physical therapy in two days.”
“And what about football? Can I play? Just give it to me straight.”
“It’ll depend on how physical therapy goes. You have to understand that there was a lot of damage to the muscle. That kind of damage can take years to heal, if at all. There’s a chance you might play again someday. I wouldn’t count on it for next season or anytime soon.”
“So I can’t play.”
“Not without doing further damager to your calf. If you treat the muscle too roughly before it’s healed, you can tear it worse. You could end up causing a lot of scar tissue to form, which will limit the muscle’s ability to expand and contract. You could basically render that muscle almost useless if you push it too hard. Better to take it slow and hope it heals well so you’ll be able to walk for the rest of your life rather than to do more damage and have a permanent limp, or worse, limited mobility.”
Kenny (Shifter Football League Book 2) Page 5