by Jane Anthony
With uneasy breaths spreading over my quivering lips, I drop my gaze to the evil piece of four-inch plastic. “Fuck,” I whisper, a fresh set of tears coursing down my cheeks. I lift the strip and hurl it at the mirror. It bounces off then clatters into the sink, word side up. Pregnant.
And I thought wife was a terrifying word.
My inner monolog screams. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to go! Chase and I were supposed to live happily ever after. Yet here I am, alone and pregnant, my fiancé probably dead in a ditch that no one can find, and my head’s a mess, and I can’t do this alone.
The doorbell pulls me from my tantrum. Drenched in tears and drowning in self-pity, I peel myself off the floor and flee the room. I shimmy through the wall of yapping canines and yank open the door to find Erik on the other side.
“I was in the area.” Red, handwritten font scrawls across the front of the takeout bag clutched in his raised hand. “Got you some soup.”
“That was so nice of you. Come in.” I wrap Chase’s fleece tighter around my middle, cradling the secret stalling at my lips. I’m not ready to share the news. When Chase comes home, then we’ll celebrate.
“How are you feeling?” Erik opens the bag and sets the cardboard pint on the table in front of my face. My stomach flips, my gaze sliding toward the offending container as if it’s poison.
“Tired. Any news?”
Erik’s lips press into a thin pink line. The look in his eyes is all the answer I need. Nothing. With a sigh, I grasp the lid and pull it off. The savory scents of vegetables and broth fill my tiny kitchen with a feeling of warmth. Whenever I was sick, my mom used to make me soup. She’d even scramble an egg in the broth for some added protein. The memory makes me smile. I miss her so much. Especially now when I’m feeling so utterly alone. Three thousand miles away from everyone I love. Sure, I have Erik and Lainie and the girls at AA, but it’s not the same. Mom, Athena, Chase . . . they love me despite my flaws, not because of them.
Erik and I make idle chitchat, and before I know it, the soup is gone and my belly’s warm and cozy. I curl up in my fleece, folding my hands across my knees. “I’ll be right back,” he tells me, rising from his seat. A minute later, my false sense of comfort comes crashing down around me. “Kat . . .” My gaze flicks to the hallway as Erik materializes with the test in his hand. He crosses the kitchen and kneels before me, his hazel eyes full of sympathy and hope. “You don’t have to do this alone.” His large hand covers my smaller one. I pull it away letting the long sleeve fall past it. “Chase isn’t coming back, Kat. You need to come to terms with that truth.” I jump from my seat and pace back to the edge of the kitchen. Erik steps forward, following my flight. “You deserve better, Kat. You always have.”
“No!” I yell, covering my ears. There is no better than Chase. He got lost along the way, but he’ll find his way back to me, I know it. Death can’t stop true love. It only delays it.
Erik reaches out and pulls my hands away by force. “We can be great together.”
“No,” I say again, tears welling in my eyes. “I thought we were friends.”
“We could be friends and still raise the baby together. I miss having a family, Kat. This can be a second chance.” He cups my cheek, his thumb wiping away a stubborn tear. “For both of us.”
“You have to go, Erik,” I snivel, mustering what little strength I have left. I understand that he’s lonely. His wife has moved on, and his children call a new man daddy. I feel for him. It sucks, and it’s sad, but this is my family. One he can never be a part of.
“Don’t shut me out, Kat. Please.”
“I can’t handle this right now,” I sob. My gaze falls to the tips of his shiny shoes. Betrayal squeezes my throat like a vise. Erik doesn’t have the right to drop this on me now. I’m far too vulnerable. He’s stolen his friendship from me when I need it the most, used it against me to feed his own loss. It’s not fair. “Please just go.”
“If you really want me to leave, I will, but if there’s anything you need . . .”
I lift my head, hoping he can see the desperation in my eyes. The love I still have for someone else. “I need you to promise you won’t stop looking.”
“I promise.”
“Take off everything and put this on, open in the front. Drape this over your lap. The doctor will be in to see you soon.”
The nurse whips the gown and blanket out of the bottom cabinet and drops them on the table behind me before escaping out the door. I shimmy off the table, the paper crinkling under my ass. I quickly shuck my clothes and pull on the light blue gown.
The light sound of instrumental music pumps in from a hidden speaker somewhere in the room. I situate myself back on the table as instructed, flipping through a US Weekly, but my mind is somewhere else. Erik’s statement weighs heavily on my heart. I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. I knew Chase was using. I fucking knew it but refused to admit it. As if keeping it to myself would somehow make it untrue. But I saw the lifeless look in his eyes. The light in them dimmed like a candle without a flame. I lost him way before he left for New York. The Chase I loved died in the accident on the day of our wedding.
So I spent the evening weighing the options of an unplanned pregnancy. The diapers, the midnight feedings, juggling a baby and a business and a life sounds next to impossible. I have no family here. I’m completely alone. I made up my mind—I can’t keep it.
But every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face. A big, toothless grin with a single corner dimple and sea-glass eyes. A piece of Chase and me. A child made from the love we shared. I can’t destroy that. A piece of him will still live on, and I’ll love that baby until my last dying breath.
Our baby.
The only piece of Chase I have left.
A soft knock raps on the door just before the doctor enters. A pretty blonde in a floral dress with a long white coat. She looks down at the mini laptop propped on her forearm. “So . . . Katarina. I’m Dr. O’Kane, how are you?”
“Fine.” I offer a fake grin. Pregnant women are supposed to be happy, right? I’m going to be a mother. This is a good thing.
“Okay, so I see you’ve gotten a positive pregnancy test! Congratulations!” My smile deepens, but I don’t respond. I know the second I open my mouth, a flood of tears will rush from my eyes and stain my face in thick, black lines of liner. I’m not going to cry in front of this doctor. I won’t. No. I’m going to get through this. And when it’s done, I’ll call my family and share my news. I can do this.
“It looks like your last period was six weeks ago.”
“I’ve still been taking my pill. Is that bad?”
“Don't worry if you kept taking your birth control pill. There's very little evidence that exposure to the hormones causes birth defects, but we’ll give you an ultrasound and check you out just in case. Now lie back.”
With a deep inhale, I lie back on the white strip of paper. Such a vulnerable position to be in. Naked from the waist down with my feet up in stirrups. I’ve had my legs wrapped around more guys than I can count, but for some reason, being splayed out like this in front of a doctor leaves me feeling powerless.
The ceiling above is painted to look like the city skyline. I concentrate on the yellow sun as the doctor pokes and prods my lady bits. When she’s finished, she wheels backward and stands from the stool.
“Okay,” she starts, rolling over a monitor machine. “Let’s see your baby.” My heart thumps wildly as she pulls out a long white dildo-looking thing and rolls a condom down onto it. If Chase were here, we’d be spitting dirty quips back and forth. He always had a calming presence even when shit seemed at its worst. I could always rely on him to help me through.
Black and gray globs fill the small screen. Dr. O’Kane points to the large empty space and circles her finger around it. “This is your uterus.” Next, she points down at a tiny white blinking dot, so small I never would have noticed it at all. “And this is your baby.”
; Floodwaters.
That’s the only way to describe what happens next. Every emotion I’ve held in over the course of the past ten days comes rushing out all at once. I sob, breaking down into a saltwater puddle staring at the flashing light. Our baby. I’m going to be a mother.
And I can’t fucking wait.
A crackly thud, thud, thud suddenly fills the space. “Heartbeat sounds good, too.”
A small whimper lodges in my chest. “That’s his heart? It’s so fast.”
“Yep. Strong.”
So many feelings hit me at once; I can hardly contain them. One by one, they tumble out. Tears, laughter, everything cyclones so fast, I’m light-headed.
She pulls the wand away, then reaches under the machine to tear off a printout. The first portrait. Chase’s legacy.
The doctor and I go back and forth, discussing a preliminary birth plan. By the time she’s left the room, my head is spinning, my heart beating with new hope. When God closes one door, he opens another. Chase is gone, but he will always be with me in the blood of the life we created.
A warm gust of wind blows my hair, whipping it around my face as I head out to my car in the parking lot. I stop to dig my phone from my bag, excited to call Athena. My mom will kill me for telling her first, but I’m so excited I’m about to take flight. I can already hear Athena’s happy tears filling my ear as the phone rings in my hand.
Erik’s smiling face illuminates on my screen for the third time today. I know he cares about me, and he’s only trying to help, but his concern is suffocating. I’m actually in a manageable mood. I don’t want to risk another interaction with him that leaves me empty and hopeless. “It’s not the best time, Erik. Can I call you later?”
“Pack a bag, Kat. I’m on my way to your house.”
A cold wave flows over my body. “What do you mean?”
“They found Chase.”
Chapter 17
Chase
“Yo! Chase! Visitor!”
I lift my head at the sound of my name, my brain thumping like a drum. The officer on duty smacks the bars with his stick, laughing when I wince and moan. The jittery clamminess that already started in my hands is slowly eking its way down my spine. It settles in my gut, rotting from the inside out. I know the drill. I already feel it beginning to gnaw. A tiny whisper now, but soon a raging scream will fill my head with chaotic need until I’m ready to tear the flesh from my face.
Yawning, I shuffle to the front of the cage as he slides it open, then shamble through. He grabs my arm in his meaty ham-hock fist and leads me down the corridor to the visitor area. When one door opens, another one seals shut behind me. That’s how it is in jail. A locked-down maze. One I’m no stranger to.
The curved backs of hunched over prisoners fill every cubicle. Guys like me, their elbows resting on the narrow desks, talking with loved ones through thick walls of plate glass. Orange slashes, one after another. I can’t imagine who’s waiting for me on the other side. The last relative I had now lies in the morgue. No one on this side of the country cares whether I live or die, myself included. The only person who ever cared has no doubt moved on. Written me off as just another junkie. May as well. She wouldn’t be wrong. I’m a loser. A stain on her life that never belonged there in the first place.
The officer, a douchey-looking asshole with a mustache and beer gut, drags me past various stations and stops at one all the way at the end. My skin prickles as the nausea begins to take hold, but it’s not from the detox. Not yet. It’s who I see beyond the glass forcing my heart up into my throat. She lifts the phone and brings it to her ear. Dark circles surround her swimming black eyes. I just sit there staring, the anvil of shame smacking me in the face as a single tear falls down her cheek.
What is she doing here? What do I say? I don’t even know how long it’s been. A week? A month? They all smash together in one never-ending day that started the minute I got off the plane at LaGuardia.
I lift the phone to my ear. “Chase,” she weeps, the haunted sound coming through the line and embedding itself into my chest. I was so busy destroying myself that I gave zero thought to how much my absence would destroy her. My life is nothing but one bad decision after another. I chose it. It was no one’s fault but my own. I’m a selfish fuck. She doesn’t deserve this.
“Yeah,” I reply, trying to sound breezy, but my voice is raw and raspy.
“I’m gonna get you out of here, okay? I’m gonna take you home and get you some help.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Kat. The note on me is ten thousand dollars. You don’t have that kind of money.”
“I got it, and I paid it.”
What’s left of my heart starts pounding in my ears. “Where did you get it?”
“That’s not important. What’s important is getting you better.”
“Where’d you get it, Katarina?” I feel my blood begin to boil, already knowing what she’s going to say next.
“I got it from Nikos in exchange for a portion of the salon.”
“What the hell did you go and do that for?” My shaking hand squeezes the phone in a white-knuckle grasp. She signed over a piece of her business. I’m worse than a junkie. I’m a thief. I’ve officially stolen everything from her. She’s given me love, a home, a reason to wake up in the morning, and I’ve given her nothing but bullshit and heartache.
Her tears cascade harder, faster. “What was I supposed to do, Chase? Leave you here?”
“Yes,” I snarl. “Why did you come here?”
“I love you.”
Heat rolls up my face. I want to reach through the glass and pull her into my arms, kiss away her tears, and promise I’ll never, ever put her through anything like this again, but I can’t. It’s a promise I’m not sure I can keep, and I can’t allow myself to drag her down with me. She’s better than this. The best thing I can do for her now is let her go.
“How did you even find me?”
She flinches. Not saying I love you back is the worst thing you can do to someone like her. Kat is a girl who has trouble with her own self-worth. She thrives on reassurance. A random text, a kind gesture. Tiny things that most people overlook mean the world to Kat because it’s how she knows I care. She needs that reminder. I wish she knew how special and incredible she is. She’s worth more than many sparrows. She’s invaluable. Her heart is rich, her soul pure and true. She loves me more than I ever deserved, and I’m about to shatter her heart into a million pieces.
“Erik had a private detective working with the police.”
“You got me thrown in here?”
Her eyes narrow into slits. “They said you were out on the street, so strung out on smack you didn’t even know where you were. You could have died.”
“I wish I had! Death would be better than this!”
“Don’t say shit like that!” She wipes her sleeve over her face, and for the first time, I notice she’s wearing my jacket. A gray Old Navy fleece she despised on sight the first day I wore it. The pain inside me is a vise grip. I can’t stand seeing that fractured look of agony marring her pretty face. “Do you remember what you said to me in the hospital when I tried to kill myself?” There are few days in my life I remember as clear and concise as the day that happened. That is one I’ll never forget. Back then, I was the one with my shiny two-year chip, thinking I had the world by the balls. I had this shit beat. I was king of the hill, and she was the one down in the dirt looking up from the bottom of a bottle. A mouthwash bottle, to be exact. I was so fucking blind. “You said suicide is never the answer.”
“That was your first mistake, Kat. Thinking I was someone worth listening to. I’m nobody.”
“You’re somebody to me.”
I roll my eyes and lean back in my chair. “Like that makes a difference. Who the fuck are you? You’re just a pathetic girl with daddy issues. I mean, seriously, Kat? You can’t sit there and tell me you’re surprised. You’ve been waiting for this from day one.”
“Why are y
ou doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Pushing me away. This isn’t you. Your veins are so full of poison it’s clouding your true self.”
“Maybe it is me. Maybe that other guy was just a bullshit version of the real man I am.”
“No.” She shakes her head, a fresh wave of tears following the first. “You’re scared. You fucked up, and you’re afraid to go through it again. I understand.”
“You don’t understand shit! Get the fuck out of here and leave me alone! I don’t want you!” Emotion stings my eyes. It builds in my throat, making it impossible to say another word without letting it show. This is for the best. She and I, we’re volatile. We always have been. Eventually, she’ll move on and see that me pushing her away was the best thing I ever did for her.
“I’m not going to let you throw me out. We fight our demons side by side, remember? That’s what you said. You refused to turn your back on me when I needed help. I needed you then, and I need you now.”
“Whatever.”
“I do need you. We need you.”
“Who? You and every fucking personality in your head? That's always been our biggest problem, Katarina. You and your bottomless pit of need.” I rub a hard hand down my face, forcing myself to remain stoic, but every false, hateful word spit through my teeth crumbles me to dust. She reaches into her purse. With throbbing eyes, I watch as she pulls something out then holds it up to the glass. Goose bumps break out across my skin. “Is that . . .?”
She nods. “Come home to us, Chase.”
Everything inside me comes crashing down. Every last piece of anger and doubt, every shred of hate, every fragment of contempt, they all culminate into a powder keg of emotion that erupts the second I see the tiny white bean in the center of the picture. My future growing inside the woman I love.