Chapter 14
Sunday evening Brynn padded down the hall to her room. She shivered, unable to get warm in her parents’ carefully monitored 65-degree house. She glanced at the thermostat in the hallway and was tempted to adjust it, but her frugal father would surely notice and start growling out like a papa bear asking who was messing with the thermostat and wasting his hard-earned money.
As she climbed under her fluffy down comforter and snuggled under the weight of the mountain of covers, she smiled thinking about Brendan that morning. She still wondered if Josh was too cautious to ask her out and had been using his son to hide behind and have a safe “out” in case she’d said no. She felt a small rush of pleasure, followed quickly by a nudge of guilt knowing she was tied to Caleb. It shouldn’t make her this happy thinking about someone else.
She forced those thoughts aside and went through her mental to do list for the upcoming week, like she did pretty much every night before falling asleep and even more so on Sunday. There were still a couple weeks before Thanksgiving, and midterms were finally over. She had no idea how well she’d done, because she was finally facing the truth that her heart just wasn’t in it as much as she’d thought it would be. This week she would normally be putting in a lot of practice hours in her labs and then studying her texts like crazy, memorizing medical fact after fact and reviewing her notes over and over.
But now? If she was going to leave the program next semester and apply to the College of Education? If that was even possible so soon? There was still a lot to think through and find out for sure.
Brynn was pretty certain Josh had no idea how much his words Friday night had impacted her. After their conversation, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about school and what direction was the right one. At the start of the semester in August, she’d been completely excited about nursing, looking forward to finishing her foundations and starting clinicals and making up mini-lessons for her after-school students that incorporated health and wellness into the program.
As the semester had gone on, the classes and school work just left her exhausted and unfulfilled. She’d been falling asleep in a couple of them, been tempted to ditch others, felt disconnected from her peers, and an overall sense of dissatisfaction and negativity had settled over her like never before.
Those early education fundamentals classes had never left her feeling that way. Every day felt like she was learning something new, or refreshing the things she’d remembered learning in school when she was a child. She’d felt a sense of purpose in every project, and even when studying for exams was less than pleasant, she felt confident being one step closer to her dream. The disparity was concerning, and she’d been needing to talk it out with someone. Who would have ever thought that Josh Davis would be that someone?
After hashing it out the other night, she realized that not only did she need to keep praying about it, like Josh had so wisely counseled, but she needed to talk it through with a couple more people to gather enough perspective. She had immediately called Gina and they’d spent a couple hours going back and forth over the pros and cons to add to her newest list. Of course, she’d had to gloss over the fact that she’d talked to Josh because otherwise Gina would never have left her alone about it. Gina would have teased her about Josh for hours (or days) and insisted there was more to the situation than there really was.
Saturday, she’d slept in later than usual. Thankfully, her parents had made plans to spend the day cleaning and winterizing the house. Brynn had worked beside her mom and Marla had listened intently while Brynn broke it down piece by piece. Together they’d analyzed it from all sides, and her wise mother had prayed with her about it and given great advice.
It was such a great day. Over dinner, she’d talked to her dad about it as well. She mentioned her concern about the costs, because while she’d gone to school on scholarship the first couple of years, she’d lost it when she’d taken that year off. Part of why she’d been pushing herself so hard was because she didn’t want to let them down after they had invested so much in her education.
“Don’t worry about the cost, honey,” her dad had said, holding her hand and lightly rubbing her knuckles in reassurance. “God will always provide, and no one understands better than I do how important it is to love what you do. You have always wanted to teach. If I can be honest with you, I’ve always wondered why you switched to nursing in the first place. It’s an honorable career choice, it’s just not you. You’ve been a teacher at heart since you were in kindergarten. I remember coming home from work when Trey was about three, and you were patiently trying to teach him his ABCs and how to count.”
Trey had interrupted in agreement, his presence at home on a Saturday night a rare occurrence these days.
“Yeah, Sis. You’d be an awesome nurse, but you were born to be a teacher. I don’t even have a clue what I want to be someday. I wish I had even half your drive. You’ve got to do what makes you happy,” Trey had insisted.
Her heart overflowing with her family’s support, Brynn had broken down in tears. She’d struggled silently with feeling like such a failure for letting them down when she’d left school and returned later. And all along, they’d never seen her that way. They’d only wanted the best for her. They’d been praying for her to find her way, and she felt more blessed than she’d ever thought possible.
And then seeing Josh at her church this morning? Just crazy. It was like he was everywhere lately. She wondered why she felt so tingly and unexplainably elated when their eyes met. It was so different from anyone else she’d ever known. Was it just his looks? She didn’t think so, because even though he had awesome hair and eyes that revealed so much, simple attraction couldn’t be the only reason. Was it her adoration for Brendan just transferring to his father? Could it be that he was older and had more life experience? Or was it the way he’d so confidently taken a spiritual leader role and pressed her to pray about it? She wasn’t sure.
What she did know was that this tentative friendship that was forming was something new and different, but that she’d need to be careful. She liked and respected Josh, but as a parent to one of her students, it was one of those ethically gray areas she wasn’t sure how to navigate. Not to mention how Caleb might feel about it, or how spending time with Josh might look to other people. She’d need to tread lightly so no one got the wrong idea. She couldn’t bear to hurt Caleb, Josh, or Brendan and wouldn’t risk leading any of them on.
But she couldn’t bear to let any of them go, either.
Brynn rolled over and squished her pillow under her shoulder and head until it felt right. She sleepily yanked the covers up and relished the warmth around her body and the coolness of the air on her face. Somehow, everything would work out exactly the way it was supposed to. She’d have to hold tightly to that thought.
Chapter 15
Tuesday evening, Brynn had plans to study with Caleb. She walked in to their usual table at the little 24-hour restaurant by the school and he greeted her with a hug. She nodded in acknowledgement to each person in his study group as she took her seat beside Caleb.
The guys, and Bethany, had already set up their laptops and were working on the code for their most recent project, while she opened her notes from class to review, again. There were only two precious weeks before Thanksgiving break, and just four until finals. Sometimes it felt like the semester was crawling by, but others, like today, it felt like it was flying.
“So, Caleb,” she quietly interrupted, “how late do you plan on working tonight? I had some stuff I wanted to talk over with you and get your thoughts.”
“Uh, I don’t know, babe. This is due Thursday and I’m stuck on this particular line. Not sure how long it will take to get un-stuck. Can we get together on Thursday night? Or Saturday? I have a test on Friday in another class and homework for all the others. It’s been a crazy semester, you know, and I’m trying not to drown in it all.”
“I get that, but I’m overwhelmed about a few
things, too, and really just need some you time. Like, today,” she whispered.
She didn’t want to sound needy in front of his study group, but his lack of attention all semester was getting old. They’d had a great time a couple weeks ago, but very little contact since then. She silently snorted a breath out her nose in a huff that made a few loose hairs on her forehead flutter. It was pretty sad that she’d had more contact with her seldom-home teenage brother this week than her supposed boyfriend.
Caleb sighed in resignation and tapped his pencil rapidly on the edge of the table. Not exactly the reaction she was looking for. He looked up and froze when he met her gaze. He swallowed hard and she could see his eyes widen when he registered her look and reacted. Apparently, he’d guessed her thoughts accurately.
“Epic boyfriend failure, right?” he gave her a rueful smile. “Let’s go get a table for just us, shall we?”
She nodded to him silently, stood up, and they walked to a table across the section where they’d have a little more privacy. Caleb flopped into the booth across from her.
“Ok, babe. Tell me what’s going on? You’re freaking me out a little. I haven’t seen you like this before,” he said, his brow furrowed in a look of uncertainty.
She blew out a breath and looked down, twisting a clear plastic straw in her hands for a moment before catching his eyes with her own.
“I’m thinking of quitting nursing school.”
“What?!” Caleb interjected before she could explain. “Why would you do that? You love the nursing program. You’ve been wanting to be a pediatric nurse the whole time I’ve known you!”
“Yeah, I know. But just listen for a sec before you say anything else, okay?”
Brynn paused to gather her thoughts. Caleb remained silent, tapping his toes under the table in impatience. That set her teeth on edge, but he’d have to deal with it because she needed to talk to her boyfriend before proceeding with such a big decision, if she proceeded.
“While it’s true I’ve wanted to be a nurse since you’ve known me, for much, much longer than that I’ve wanted to be a teacher,” she held up her hand, seeing his mouth open in a response before she could finish. “I know. You’ve heard all my arguments against my desire to be a teacher. I said over and over that I didn’t want to deal with crazy parents, a broken educational system and political stupidity, the insane amount of testing and other things forced upon teachers, the microscopic paychecks, and plenty of other stuff.
“But really, those are flimsy excuses I’ve given to avoid the fact that I was just afraid. I’ve been praying about it a lot the last few weeks, and I’ve talked it over with my parents and Gina and a few other friends, and I even went to the advisement office last week to look into switching back.”
This time Caleb’s eyes opened wide and he didn’t stop himself from interrupting. “You did what?! How long have you been feeling like this? Why didn’t you talk to me sooner? I could have helped you work through it, figure out a plan? I—”
“You have been consumed with schoolwork and if we’ve had five minutes to talk, it’s been about school or to make plans for either studying or seeing your family or something. When we went out a couple weekends ago, I needed the break to just exist and have fun just as much as I knew you did.
“At that point, I was simply frustrated with school and had barely started thinking about whether I seriously missed education or if I was just imagining the grass was greener because my classes have been unfulfilling this semester. But it’s been several weeks, and the feelings aren’t going away. I’ve been putting a lot of thought and prayer into this, especially the past week.
“I’ve done the math after talking to the advisor, and if I apply to the College of Ed right now for next semester or maybe summer term, then I could graduate in basically the same amount of time in Elementary Ed as I would if I were to continue my BSN. It comes out as a wash as far as time goes. Yes, I would have wasted some time and money in the nursing program, but some of the classes I took could actually apply to my total credit hours, and I wouldn’t need to take any further extra courses outside of the Elementary Ed requirements.”
“Well, I guess you’ve done your homework and pretty much have your mind made up. What do your parents say about it?” Caleb asked.
“They want me to be happy. Daddy told me not to worry about the cost. Then he said I should pursue my first love of education if that’s what makes me happy. He said he doesn’t want me to end up like him, slaving away in a cubicle, trading dollars for hours in his second-choice career. He said so much more, and it really struck a chord in me, you know? I just love the work I’ve been doing the past couple years with the collaborative, and seeing the growth in my kids really fulfills me in a way that I don’t think nursing will.”
Caleb frowned, then asked, “But what about your dream of finding part time work in a pediatrician’s office, working with patients one-on-one, and making a difference in their health and wellness? What about how much you love the science of the human body and seeing kids learn about their own well-being?”
Brynn nodded her understanding of his argument, but was emboldened to continue. This was the beauty of having been friends first.
“Honestly, I think that was always a safe plan. Something happened inside me after Aiden that broke, and I felt so much fear. I think every decision I made in the year or so after was out of fear and self-doubt. I chickened out applying to the College of Ed because I didn’t think I could make it. I knew my grades were good, but I really struggled that year before I dropped out. I couldn’t concentrate, it was hard work, and my grades weren’t what I wanted them to be.
“I lost my mojo and didn’t believe in myself enough to want to write the admissions essay. I let all of those other excuses take root so that I could give myself permission to wallow in the burn out I was feeling, and then not take any real risks emotionally. By changing my degree, I think I was actually taking the emotionally safe route. If I failed there, no big deal because it wasn’t my real dream. Does that make any sense?”
He shook his head in confusion, “Not really. I guess I can kind of see where you’re coming from, but I just don’t think it’s wise. It still sounds to me like you said—the grass only seems greener because you’re bored in your classes right now. Are you sure that’s not what’s going on?”
She sighed. He just wasn’t getting it. It was so much more than just doubt or boredom. Couldn’t he see that she’d had an actual breakthrough into why she’d freaked out and left education in the first place? Didn’t he understand that becoming a teacher was something she’d always wanted and that nursing was her second choice—a back-up plan?
“No, Caleb. Didn’t you hear what I said? I only went into the nursing program because I was afraid of failing in education? Because I was screwed up emotionally at that time? I really feel like God is telling me to go back to education. I can’t get it out of my head!”
Brynn’s final outburst made a few of the other customers raise their heads and look in her direction. She flashed them a guilty, apologetic half smile and turned back to Caleb. She went on, more quietly this time.
“Do you think I’m crazy for wanting to change now?”
Caleb leaned against the back of the booth, his head thrown all the way back as he seemed to search the ceiling for the right answers.
“I don’t know, Brynn. I told you what I thought, but obviously you don’t agree. Your parents have known you a whole lot longer than I have. If they say to follow your heart and pursue teaching, then they’re probably right. Who am I to say what God does or doesn’t want for you? I haven’t even been to church since September.”
“Oh, believe me, I’ve noticed,” she muttered under her breath. She didn’t know why she was suddenly so upset with Caleb, but she couldn’t help it.
His head whipped off the back of the booth and his indignant posture startled her. “What’s that supposed to mean?” His tone was immediately defensive.
“Are you angry with me?” He spoke the question more quietly, overcompensating for a moment ago. His expression looked pained. The whole scene was throwing her for a loop, too. They never raised their voices with each other.
“I don’t know, Caleb. I guess I just miss you. I have hardly seen you since school started. We don’t really talk on the phone anymore, barely text, and when I’ve stopped by to see you on campus I either feel invisible or like I’m coming in second to the work. I know that probably sounds petty and maybe even a little clingy, but it’s still how I feel. We’ve been growing apart this semester and I don’t know what to make of it. I enjoy being with you when we’re together, but that’s just not enough for me anymore."
Caleb looked at her in utter confusion. He sighed, dipped his head, shoulders sagging.
“Brynn, I love you. You know I do. You can’t imagine how hard this degree is for me, and how much work it takes. It’s not like I’m sitting here playing video games with my friends. Of course I want more, too. I just don’t know what you want me to do right now!”
Caleb was as tense as she was. His too-long sandy hair flopped down over one eye and Brynn felt a tenderness in her heart that wanted to reassure him. But she couldn’t. He reached out and clasped her hands in his as he went on in earnest.
“My focus has to be on school first, but I graduate in May. I want us to be on the same page, so can we please table this discussion until Thanksgiving break? It’s just a couple of weeks, and then we can talk about the future. I think you should spend that time really thinking more about your degree and we can figure out what to do when we have that time off school. Okay?”
Brynn nodded her head in silent agreement. She wasn’t sure how to feel about being dismissed again, even in Caleb’s kind and logical manner. It did make sense, and she knew he needed to get back to his group and finish working.
What Could Be (Everyday Love Book 1) Page 11