I knew it wouldn’t be long before Patrick and Ashley would be expecting a baby. Please, I noticed the girl didn’t take one sip of champagne at her own wedding. I don’t know why this news is affecting me the way it is. I was prepared. I thought I was. But now that the moment’s here, I feel sad. No, I’m much more than just sad, I’m devastated.
A tiny baby is growing inside of her at this very moment. A little part of her and Patrick is in this room with us. It’s such a happy amazing thing, but all I want to do is cry. To my shock and horror, I’m jealous. I didn’t think I would be, but I am. I certainly don’t want to be, but I am.
A loud sob escapes, there’s no containing it. And then another. I can’t even look at Ashley, turning my face away, tempted to get up and leave the room.
“Robin, I wanted to tell you in private and I wanted to tell you myself.” I hear her weeping next to me. She feels guilty telling me she’s pregnant. Why wouldn’t she? Look how I’m reacting. I feel sick.
I shake my head, still fighting the tears, trying to tell her I’m okay. Only more sobs come. I don’t want to feel this way or be acting this way. I want to turn around and face her and let her know that I’m happy for her, because really I am. But the sorrow I feel for myself in this moment is overpowering.
“Just cry. Let it out. It’s okay.” Ashley reaches into her bag, pulling out tissues, handing me a wad, keeping a few for herself.
“I’m sorry.” I wipe my eyes, then swipe at my runny nose. “I’m sorry I’m doing this.”
“I know better than anyone about holding in your feelings. Trying to act like everything is okay when it’s not. I know what happened to you isn’t fair.”
“It isn’t fair,” I agree, clenching my teeth. One of the most precious gifts a woman could have was taken from me. A new-found rage causes my body to tremble.
“I know,” Ashley says calmly, through her tears. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your loss.”
The breaths stuck inside of me spill out, deflating my lungs. My loss. No one has actually ever acknowledged the surgery as a loss. The fury subsides, leaving me flattened, crushed . . . buried.
“Ashley, I feel so empty sometimes. So unbelievably empty,” I admit with a strained voice, finally able to turn my head and look at her. “I can’t have a baby.”
She leans over to hug me, her hands running flat up against my back, patting me reassuringly. “Yes you can. It just won’t be the boring old way that everybody else does it. Your journey to a baby will just be a little different. I’m sure once you get there it will be an amazing experience that makes one hell of a story. It’ll probably outshine any story I could tell.”
That manages to get a little laugh from me. “I could never tell a story that could outshine one of yours.”
“No, you’re not much of a story teller. Luckily I’ll be able to tell it, sharing the amazing story of how I became an aunt.” She shrugs up one shoulder and smiles. Only Ashley could have flipped this around.
My hand grabs onto hers. “You know I really am thrilled for you and Patrick?”
“Of course I do. You’re family, you’re Aunt Robin, or at least you will be soon enough.”
I sniff, wiping away the last of my tears. “Ashley, that’s another thing. Kent and I are barely back together and we’re already talking about marriage and forever and adoption. Would we even be thinking these about these things if it weren’t for what happened? I feel like we’re rushing things. I’m pressuring him to make decisions he’s not ready to make.”
Ashley waves her arms in a big exaggerated motion. “Okay, you and Kent ending up together getting married, that was always gonna happen. What happened with you only slowed that down, it didn’t speed it up. Kent doesn’t feel pressured at all. We watched him mope around for years, waiting for the return of Robin. Last night he went on and on about your future super children. The way he was talking about them makes it sound like they’re gonna be able to fly.”
We both laugh. An image of little babies wearing capes pops into my head.
“Thank you, Ashley. For coming here and telling me in private without the others around. And for knowing that I do need to talk about it.” A small weight begins lifting off my shoulders.
“I will always be here for you. We’re family. I know growing up we didn’t have a lot of family, but we do now. You will never have to go through anything alone again. Promise me if something happens you’ll come to us and not shut everyone out.”
I fight off the urge for more tears and Ashley gives me an encouraging smile. I don’t just have Kent, I have his whole family. The bumps in the road that we hit, we won’t have to face them alone. That feeling of drowning, like I’m trapped under water, there’s a hand there now to pull me out, I can breathe again.
“Sometimes the future scares me,” I say to her.
“It scares me too.” She sighs and her smile fades. “Did you know that Patrick was ten pounds when he was born?”
Chapter Nine
Kent
Five months pregnant, Ashley has gained weight everywhere. She claims it’s because she is carrying a ‘big baby,’ but I’m pretty sure that the baby isn’t forty pounds or that there’s a second one being stored in her butt. We both grunt as I help hoist her from the passenger seat of my car.
“It’s because I’m having a girl,” she says, failing miserably at trying to close and button her jacket. “When you’re pregnant with a boy, a boy adds to your beauty but a girl takes it away.” She quotes that old wives tale every chance she gets.
“Ashley, you look beautiful, glowing.” The compliment has become an automatic response for all of us. My entire family says it on a daily basis to just about everything she says.
We enter the store and Ashley leads me directly over to the appropriate case. The rings under the glass case sparkle and shine.
A short, balding man leans his arm on the glass counter. “Ah, I see you are looking for engagement rings.” He eyes Ashley’s enormous belly, not doing a good job at hiding his judgmental reaction.
“It’s not for me,” Ashley snaps, raising her left hand up in proof. “This is for my brother-in-law. I am here to make sure he doesn’t get screwed over by some pretentious jeweler trying to sell him a shitty ring. Show us this one, please.”
The jeweler shows his frustration with a sniff, noisily unlocking the case. He reaches in and pulls out the ring Ashley’s finger points at through the glass.
I take the ring from him and look it over. It’s a bit big, flashy, not Robin at all. Handing it back over, I shake my head ‘no.’
“Hmm, I know Robin is simple and that one was a bit much. But you can’t go getting her some small diamond, either. This is her engagement ring, it needs to be special.” Ashley sighs, looking back down at the case. “This one.” She points. “Maybe this time if I try it on, you can get a better idea of how it will look.”
I nod my head. That makes sense. “Sounds like a good idea.”
Ashley twists her rings and pulls. Nothing. She releases her ring finger, flexes her hand and tries again. Still nothing. She tries to hide the grunts accompanying her tugs. Her tongue hangs out the side of her mouth as she continues yanking hard. Her chubby fingers looks like little sausages and the quick conclusion is those rings aren’t coming off without the Jaws of Life.
“I don’t need to see it on. Isn’t it bad luck or something anyway?” I say, thinking fast.
Ashley licks the sides of her finger around the ring. “I can get the rings off,” she barks. “You just have to give me like two freaking seconds.” More licking, more tugging, more excuses. She is no longer trying to hide the grunting. “I think . . . I’m getting it,” she says through clenched teeth. Her cheeks are like two big red apples from exertion.
I sneak away from the situation, strolling down, peering into the other cases. I don’t want to be standing next to her when she realizes that there is no way in hell those rings are coming off. A small tray sparkling under
neath the lights catches my eye. I lean over for a better look.
“Can I see one in here?” I tap my finger on the glass. The jeweler seems positively relieved to be called away from Ashley and the wrestling match she is having with her swollen finger. He wipes away at some beads of sweat forming on his forehead with a handkerchief and unlocks the case.
The delicate ring I selected is placed in my hand. A band of tiny diamonds that overlap into a knot at the top. It’s so different than any of the other rings, simple in design, yet striking.
“Perfect, this is the one.” I hold it up, admiring it before handing it back to him.
“Sir, you do know this is not a traditional engagement ring,” the jeweler says.
I smile. “That’s why it’s perfect.”
Robin
“I can’t believe you are leaving me here in this dungeon to rot.” Jamie crosses her arms. “You’re gonna run off with Kent and live happily ever after and forget all about me.”
“No, that’s not true. I’m going to completely miss you and be calling you once a week so I can get caught up on Greg?” My noses crinkles up, I know that’s wrong.
“It’s Craig, and he’s a total dick now, anyway. I’m gonna miss you so much. When do you start at the new place?”
“Two weeks.” The frown I give Jamie is phony, because I’m ecstatic. I will miss her, but otherwise I could not be happier with the way things are going lately.
The lease on my apartment ends next month and I had no intention of renewing it. The timing of this job offer worked out perfectly. It’s full-time, full benefits, great facility and ten minutes away from Kent’s apartment, my soon-to-be residence.
I had my records transferred to a new doctor. I already had my first appointment establishing myself with him before I move. My new doctor is actually my mother’s old doctor and I was touched to learn he remembered her. After a full exam, I’m still being given a clean bill of health with a glowing prognosis.
Everything seems right on track. Things are going great. No . . . I take that back. Because once you admit something like that is when everything usually turns to hell. Yuck. No jinx, no jinx, no jinx.
The number to the therapist Ashley gave me is in my purse. Every once in a while I find myself debating over whether to call it or not. Even on the best of the days, moments of fear, doubt, and sorrow still manage to creep in.
Being around the ever-growing Ashley has gotten easier. I admit after our talk it was still hard to be around her at first. I know she holds back when I’m around, not monopolizing the conversation with pregnancy talk. I appreciate that but at the same time it makes me feel worse. Knowing that she’s holding back from discussing something so magnificent to spare my feelings makes me feel incredibly guilty.
Occasionally I catch myself staring at her stomach. On the night when the baby first kicked, we all got a turn holding our hands up to feel her little foot jut through Ashley’s belly. I smiled and oohed and ahhed with everybody. It really was amazing. But once we got back to Kent’s that night, I turned the fan on in the bathroom and cried in the shower. The sadness is still there. I’ve just learned how to mask it better in front of people. Sometimes I question if the sadness will ever go away. Will I always be sad watching my friends get to experience something I never will?
Last week at Twisted, Becca Brewster announced that she and Josh were expecting ‘a little chocolate chip.’ I deserve an Oscar for my performance, gushing on excitedly for the two of them. Meanwhile, all I could think was, ‘Josh Brewster can procreate but I can’t?’ Bitterness, that tends to rear its ugly little head, too.
“So, when are we going out drinking to celebrate your new job? We need to give you a proper send off,” Jamie says, a smile springing into place. The excuse for a booze-fueled night does the job in cheering her right up.
“Oh, um, I’m not sure. These next two weeks I’m going to be back and forth moving my stuff in to Kent’s place. Could we maybe wait and do it after I get all settled in?”
Jamie squints her eyes. “You better not be blowing me off. Cause I will come to . . . wherever the hell town it is you’re moving to and drag your ass out.”
“I swear. As soon as I’m settled, I’ll come back and we’ll go nuts. I’ll still be down this way a lot, visiting my dad and everything.”
Jamie appears satisfied with my response. She tosses her highlighted hair over her shoulder and turns her attention on to her phone. “You think he’ll propose?” she asks, eyes still set on the phone in her hands. I ignore her, not sure if that was directed at me or not. She looks up. “Robin, I’m talking to you. Do you think Kent will be proposing soon?”
She’s asking the same question I’ve been wondering myself. With everything working out the way it is, it wouldn’t surprise me if a proposal was just around the corner. I pull my lips in, trying to contain the silly grin forcing its way out.
Jamie throws her head back and laughs. “Okay, you totally think he’s proposing soon and it’s written all over your face what the answer would be. Obviously if he asks you, you’re gonna say ‘yes.’”
I drop my jaw, ready to contest that I’m not sure what my answer would be. But a laugh comes out instead.
“Obviously I would say ‘yes.’”
Chapter Ten
Kent
I swing the door open to Robin, who is balancing two cardboard boxes up in front of her face. She peeks around the side and smiles.
“My car is filled,” she says, beaming. “Almost everything I own is stuffed into the trunk and my backseat.”
Moving day is officially here. Robin is home. She’s all mine. I take the boxes from her hands, setting them down inside the doorway, then I reach for her, scooping her up and carrying her into the apartment. With my foot I kick the door shut, carrying her all the way to the bedroom.
“Kent, what are you doing?” Her arms are wrapped around my neck and her feet kick up giddily.
My grin reaches ear to ear. “You’re moving in. I am taking you into the bedroom to celebrate properly.”
“Oh my God, I feel like I’m being carried over the threshold.” Her laughter is like a song.
I love the happiness I hear in her voice. Damn, I love knowing I’m the reason she’s so happy. Another beginning. I’ve known Robin most of my life and here we are, still able to feel the excitement of the start of something new. Every night since I picked up the ring, I’ve been thinking of the best way to propose to her. Every idea I’ve had, and every over-the-top suggestion from one of my family members, hasn’t been right.
I place her back down on her feet. “You’re so beautiful.”
She grabs onto my shoulders and stands up on her toes, opening her lips up to mine. At the touch of her tongue, my hands slip down to her waist. I help ease her out of her shirt before reaching for the button on her jeans.
“The lights, Kent, can you turn them off?” she asks between kisses, grasping the button in a tight grip to stop me from undoing them. After months of being back together, discussing and planning a future, even with everything out on the table, she still won’t let me see her.
I take a breath and stand up, walking over to the first lamp. No. I leave it on and turn back around. “No, Robin, I’m not turning off the lights. No more hiding in the dark, leaving clothes half on. Show me whatever it is you think I can’t see.”
“It’s just a small scar,” she says quietly.
“Then why don’t you want me to see it?”
“I can’t. Because, when you see it, it will remind you.”
“Remind me of what?”
“Every time you see it, it will remind you that I can’t give you a child.”
I let out a long stream of air to empty my lungs. Rubbing, more like squeezing, my forehead in frustration. It won’t ever make me think that. But I know convincing her of this will be nearly impossible. She sinks down onto the bed, taking me with her. My shirt hangs open, unbuttoned to the waist. Her hand rubs up my stomac
h and over my chest. She pushes the shirt off my shoulders and traces her fingertip over the tattoo on my chest, the one of the detailed robin covering the skin over my heart.
“You know what the most amazing feature is about a robin?” she asks, still admiring the colorful ink.
“What’s that?” I whisper, pushing a piece of her hair behind her ear.
“The brilliant blue eggs they produce,” she says, meeting my eyes, looking at me almost as if this is one final test.
I shake my head. “No, the most amazing feature of the robin is the beauty of the robin itself.”
Hidden in the top drawer of my dresser is the ring. Discreetly I reach in and grasp it in my hand, keeping it covered in a tight fist. Forever is gonna start now.
“Take off your clothes, Robin.” My voice is firm, but not threatening.
“I can’t,” she says, and swallows. Her head shakes back and forth, no.
“Show me what it is that you think I can’t see.”
Hesitantly she begins to undress. Trembling fingers unbutton the top button of her jeans. The jeans get lowered, bringing her panties down with them, exposing what she’s been so afraid of me seeing.
The scar is a thin line, barely noticeable. I understand. It’s small but I know to her, what it represents is huge.
My eyes gaze over every inch of her beauty, landing on the tiny scar. All I see when I look at her is love. I look at her and I see my future. I see family, her as my wife, and children. They may not arrive the traditional way, but I know in my heart, they will come.
“Lay down, Robin.”
She steps free of her jeans and lies back on my bed. She’s perfectly still, arms at her side, almost afraid as she looks over at me in the brightly lit room.
I walk over to the edge of the bed and drop down onto both my knees. Taking the ring from my fist, I place it down gently on top of the scar. The delicate diamond knot facing her sparkles in the lights. It takes her eyes a moment to focus and realize what it is.
Panic (The Flaw Series) Page 9