My body shakes uncontrollably. I made the decision. One day this week I will go the clinic and end this. I know I’ll never be the same. I can’t make-believe what I’m doing is okay, that it’s not a person growing inside me. I just talked to it. I cry until the tears run dry and I’m numb.
Hours later I wake up on the couch, curled up in a ball in the pitch-dark room. My bladder is full and I drag my feet across the floor to the bathroom. “Ow!” Something sharp sticks my barefoot. I bend down and feel. The ridges run along my fingertips, I snap back up and flick on the light. It can’t be. I heard it shatter.
But it didn’t.
In my hand is the shell. Perfect and unharmed.
Bailey
The first sip of beer passes my lips and slides down my throat. I had thirty-one dollars in my pocket. Beer and smokes seemed liked a good way to spend it. After all, I gotta do something to celebrate the great news. And just like Shayna, I got no one to tell. No one to talk to about how I fucked up the rest of my life.
Wait a minute, that’s not true.
I grab the empty plastic ring of one of the six packs and walk across the street to my favorite spot. Planting myself on the ground in front of the tree, another can gets cracked open. I fire out a loud belch after I guzzle down the contents. I’m thankful the old husband and wife who own this house are deaf as doornails. I can be as loud as I want.
“Hello, Marissa,” I say to the twinkling lights. “It’s your dumbass brother. Can you hear me?” I pause. “Oh, what’s that, you can’t talk? Because you’re dead. That’s right. We’re both fucking dumbasses.”
I hold the next can of beer up to the sky. “Look, Marissa, I’m drinking. I plan on getting loaded tonight. I got,” How many? I bought a case worth and I’m drinking my third, I still got three in front of me, the rest are still in the car so that makes— Fuck it, does she really need to know? “I got a lot.
“So, like, do you see everything up there? Can you see me down here, fucking up my life? Were you watching when I knocked up that girl?” The contents of the fourth can fizzle out and I suck down the suds, finishing it off, crushing the can and tossing it. “Because I can pretend all I want, but I know she’s telling the truth that I’m the one who did it. Ha!” A laugh erupts from deep down in my gut. “Pretend. That’s how I got myself into this mess. We pretended to love each other and then we made love.”
I lay back on the ground, resting my head in my clasped hands. On a clear night like this, the stars are out in droves, lighting up the dark sky.
“I did like her. When I think back to that night, it’s probably one of the best ones I can remember. Of course, I ended the night walking away like an asshole. I didn’t know what to do. Dad never grunted out the right way to treat a girl.” I point my finger up. “I hope you’re laughing at that. You’re one of the only people I know who would get that joke.”
A mosquito lands on my arm. I sit back up, crushing it with a full can of beer and flick its smushed body off with my finger. Being down on the grass like this is just inviting these little fuckers to come bite me. I scratch at the red bump and roll my sleeves down.
“She doesn’t want anything from me. She knows I got nothing to give. I haven’t even talked to her or seen her since she told me. I don’t think she’s told anyone else. Tammy and Tony haven’t come busting down the door looking for me. I’m pretty sure they would if they knew. I’m surprised she hasn’t told her cousin yet. She told me she was keeping it. But maybe she changed her mind. I don’t blame her. I was a dick. I didn’t step up like a man. Even if I did, though, it woulda just been more pretending. Right? Cause what the fuck can I offer that kid?”
Look at me — four beers and I am out here talking to a tree. I’m out here looking for answers and words of advice from a God damn tree and my dead fucking sister. I tilt my head back and scream. “BECAUSE THAT’S ALL I GOT!”
I have no one.
No one cares or wants to talk to me. No one is here to listen. No one gets me. No one even gets how special the stupid fucking tree is.
Shayna liked the tree.
The thought comes as a breezy whisper in a voice that’s not my own. My sister’s.
I know she’s not really talking in my mind. I’m not that drunk or crazy. But it’s one of those dumb things she would say if she was sitting here. She’d probably also say, you need to go talk to Shayna, you can’t let her go through all this on her own. And then maybe you know you have potential to do great things. So what if we grew up without much, you can rise above it. ‘Cause that’s what she was doing, Marissa was aiming high and rising above this shit lifestyle we got stuck with. Only she didn’t get very far.
“Fine, Marissa, if that’s what you want, I’ll go talk to Shayna. But you watch what happens. I don’t see how anything good can come from this.”
Chapter Eight
Shayna
I arrive at the clinic…for an exam.
I sit by myself in the waiting area. Looking around at all the other young faces surrounding me, I realize I’m not alone in my situation. A few ‘baby daddies’ are seated in the worn out chairs. Most of them seem like immature assholes. One keeps taking selfies with his girlfriend’s belly, speaking out loud as he types. My boys took charge of this bitch.
As much as my life sucks right now, for a brief moment, I feel relief that I’m not that girl. She looks even younger than me. Her hair’s pulled back tight and she lets out nervous little laughs at everything the guy next to her keeps saying. I can see that the laughs are just a cover up for her fear, the same fear that every one of us in this room probably has.
When I’m finally called in, I sit through a very thorough exam. I’d never even been to a gynecologist before. It’s all very, well, embarrassing. When I hesitate to relax my legs like I’m being instructed, I catch a glimpse of the nurse rolling her eyes. I understand why she’s judging me. Obviously I had no problem opening my legs up before.
I get a sex lecture, a container with vitamins, and then a glob of jelly is smeared across my belly.
Thump, thump, thump.
“That’s your baby’s heartbeat,” the doctor says. He looks over for my reaction. I don’t have one. I feel nothing. What am I supposed to feel, exactly? Happiness?
Luckily I figured out how the buses run. Two buses later I’m dropped off a block away from my apartment, absolutely thankful to have the night off from work. Pure exhaustion is creeping in by the time I reach my front door.
“Hey you,” Tammy greets me as I walk in. She’s home, which is strange, and she’s ordered a pizza, which is even stranger. Two paper plates are set up on the table with a bottle of soda in the center.
“What is this? Am I interrupting a romantic night with you and Tony?” He never actually comes over here to hang out, but there’s always a first for everything.
“Nope, this is a romantic dinner for me and you.” She laughs, twisting the cap off the soda and pouring two glasses. “I even got extra cheese, your favorite.”
“Oh, my God, you have no idea how bad I need this.” The cheese smells like heaven. The nausea has finally stopped and in its place, the constant longing for greasy pizza has taken over. This is also the perfect opportunity to finally tell Tammy what I’ve been dreading. I’ve put it off too long, though, and soon I won’t be able to hide it anymore.
“I have something really big to tell you.” Tammy starts with the same line I was all set to say to her. She pulls apart the slices and puts the one that clung to all the cheese on my plate. Uh-oh, this is not good. No one gives away the cheesier slice unless there’s an ulterior motive.
“What’s up?” I ask, with a mouth full of pizza. My nerves are rattled but I don’t care, I’m starving.
“Tony asked me to move in with him.” She holds her breath and waits.
“Are you going to?” I fold the slice and take another bite. My eyes stay fixed on her, waiting for an answer.
“Yeah, I am.” She pulls another sl
ice from the box and puts it on my plate. “Of course you can stay here. You can have the whole place to yourself.” She takes her first bite of pizza and chews fast.
We both know I can’t afford to stay in this place by myself. My luck just went from bad to worse. “When are you moving out?” I ask.
“I guess right away, but I’ll still try and help you with the rent for a little bit. And maybe you can find another roommate,” she says cheerily, trying to act like this is great news for me.
“Yeah, a roommate, good idea.” I drop the crust onto my plate, not sure what to say or do next. “Hey, what’s the name of the strip club Tony always goes to? Maybe I can get a job there and that can help me pay for this place, too.” I say it to cut and it works. Her face drops.
“I told you it’s not cheating if they don’t have sex,” she replies defensively. “It’s actually kind of healthy for couples to flirt with other people.”
“Flirt? That’s what you call having a girl grind up against your man’s junk. That does sound healthy,” I reply sarcastically. Miraculously, I am still able to eat through all this. I pick up the next slice, filling my stomach up with the warm cheesy goodness.
“I’m sorry, I know you’re upset.” Tammy pushes her plate aside. “I don’t know what you expected when you moved here. I love you, I think you’re great. But I have a life of my own that I need to live. I’m older than you. I got real life, grown-up things going for me. I can’t stay here with you forever.”
Real life grown up things. Funny. I’ve got a few of those things going on myself.
“I’m sorry, too. You’re right, you can’t stay here forever. You and Tony are good together. I’ll be fine.” Saying anything else would be pointless.
Tammy grabs her purse and keys from the counter of our small kitchen. “I’m going to Tony’s. Tomorrow we’ll probably come over and start moving some of my things. I’m gonna leave you the bed and the dresser. You can finally unpack your stuff.”
“Thank you.” I give her a smile and she smiles back.
We don’t even really know each other. We were just kids when she moved. These last few months the only time I really spent with her was when she was broken up with Tony. We live together and yet I still never found an opportune moment to tell her I’m pregnant. The biggest effect I’ll feel from her leaving will be financially.
Filled to the brim with pizza and cozied into my new-used bed, I scroll through my phone and dial. I’ve reached a point where I’m desperate. I need someone to confide in. Talk me down from the ledge I’m hanging off of. He picks up after two rings.
“Hey, Corey, it’s Shayna. I know it’s late to be calling, but do you remember you said if I ever needed someone to talk to, I could come to you? Well, I need someone to talk to. I need a friend real bad.”
Bailey
It took a month for me to actually work up enough courage to go see Shayna. I made a few weak attempts. Showing up at her job when I knew it wasn’t likely she’d be there. Stopping by her apartment building but not actually going in. I was being a total pussy. I’m a kid, just like everyone labels me.
Through the front window, I can see her behind the counter working the register. She’s there, all I need to do now is go in and talk to her. You’d think I’d have a plan of what to say by now, but I don’t. Tammy’s living with Tony, so I know she’s alone now. I made a comment to Tammy asking if she left because of the baby. She nearly took my head off, claiming that her belly was just bloated, thinking I meant her. I’m still puzzled why Shayna never told her. Maybe it’s because there is no more baby. I’m not saying she necessarily did something on purpose, just sometimes pregnancies go away. That could have happened.
The second I enter the store she looks over and we make eye contact. She swings her head away, clearly not thrilled by my presence. A customer walks up and places a plastic container of macaroni salad and a Sunkist on the counter. I wait until Shayna is done ringing and the person leaves before I walk over.
“A pack of red.” I point to the cigarettes behind her and she turns to grab ‘em. I glance down at her stomach but can’t tell anything under the loose yellow T-shirt she’s wearing.
The register chimes, scanning the pack of smokes. “I’m still pregnant, if that’s what you’re wondering.” She takes the ten dollar bill from my hand and counts out my change.
“What time do you get out of here? Can we talk later?” I ask, removing the cellophane from the fresh pack. “I can pick you up. We can figure some shit out.”
A guy with blond hair comes strutting over to the register. He’s got huge douche bag written all over him. “You okay, Shayna?”
“I’m fine,” she says. The guy stays parked, leaning back against the counter, watching me with an intense stare. I don’t know who the hell this guy is or what his problem is.
“No, thank you,” Shayna answers me politely. She and the new bodyguard exchange looks. He knows. She didn’t even tell her cousin, but she told this dick head. Every inch of my body pulses with jealousy.
“Is this your boyfriend?” I nudge my head towards the guy. “Is this who you’re planning on raising my baby with?”
Shayna gasps and the guy lunges towards me, grabbing hold of my neck and shoving me out of the store. “That’s it. The next time you come back, I call the cops,” he threatens, pushing me into the parking lot.
“For what reason?” I challenge. One good punch is all I need.
“You can’t come in and harass my staff.” He steps forward. “I know what a lowlife you are. That girl in there, she doesn’t need you coming in here bothering her. Just leave her alone, all right.”
Shayna’s looking out the window at us, making sure we’re not fighting. My knuckles crack from the tightly wound fists at my side. I want to beat the living hell out of this guy. If I do, Shayna will never speak to me again. I force my hands to relax, holding them up in defeat.
“I’m going.” I back away and get into my car. In the rearview mirror, I see his tough guy stance watching and waiting for me to pull out of the parking lot. The urge to throw my car in reverse and ram right into that son-of-a-bitch is strong.
I drive off, but I’m not giving up just yet. Shayna’s place is around the corner. I park my car where it won’t be noticed and wait for her to come home. Seeing her again just confirmed what I already knew. That I need to step up.
A few hours and half a pack later I see a silver Cherokee pull up in front of her building. Shayna’s door gets opened for her and she’s walked to the door. They stay and chat for a minute, finishing up a conversation of sorts. No kiss, not even a hug. He waits until she’s inside before heading back into his jeep and driving off. I’m relieved, if he was her boyfriend, I’m sure he would’ve stayed, or at the very least, would’ve kissed her goodnight.
Here goes nothing. I enter into Shayna’s building. It’s only got two floors. I’m pretty sure if I remember correctly Tammy was on the second floor. Tony was complaining when he helped move her out about too many steps.
The second level only has two doors. This place is a dump. It’s small and the light in the hall flickers. I think I’d be scared if I was girl living here all by myself.
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. I choose one and knock. Feet shuffle to the door and stop. I suppose I’m being peered at through the peep hole. The door doesn’t get opened. But the feet don’t shuffle away either.
“At least hear what I gotta say,” I say, facing the little glass peep hole. No response. “Fine. Then I guess I’ll just have to come back to your job so I can talk to you. Just know, next time I won’t take pretty boy’s shit as nicely as I did tonight.”
The door opens. “What do you want, Bailey?” She rests a hand on her hip and waits
“How are you feeling?” I ask in a gentle tone and plaster on a wide smile. I give myself credit for knowing to start off with that. Showing her I’m here for good stuff and that I’m not gonna be a dick like last time. “Is there anything you need
?”
“Aw, that is so sweet of you,” she replies, mirroring my big smile and soft voice. Phew, I relax. This won’t be as bad as I thought.
“Yeah, if there’s anything I can help you with, just tell me, that’s why I’m here.”
“Hmm. Well for starters, I don’t feel so good.” Her soft tone disappears. “There’s this baby inside me that isn’t even born yet, needing all this crazy stuff from me. Like it gets hungry and then expects me to eat. The baby has no clue how much money it is for me to eat every time it feels hungry. It also makes me really tired. The baby wants me to sleep a lot. But in order for me to have a place to sleep, I have to work all the time. It’s like the baby doesn’t get it.” She bangs two fingers into her forehead. “Now, let’s see, is there anything I need that you can help me with? Um, yes actually. Would you mind giving me a ride sometime? Like to a bridge, so I can jump off it.”
Her eyes are fixed on me. I glance down at the floor and back up. “I’m a piece of shit. Is that what you want me to tell you? You think I don’t know it?”
“Bailey, just go. I don’t need anything from you. You’re off the hook. Go enjoy life.” She starts to shut the door.
“Why, cause you got that guy at your job? Is that your boyfriend? He coming to your rescue?”
“Are you jealous? He doesn’t have a superman tattoo or anything but yeah, he’s a little more super than you are.”
My head snaps up. I’m pissed as hell. “I may have waited awhile to come here, but I’m here now,” I holler. “I’ve been stashing away cash whenever I can and I came here to give it to you.” I take out the small wad of bills I have for her. Her arms are crossed. I tuck the wad into the crook of her elbow. “It’s not much but it’s enough to help you pay some of your rent and stuff. I’ll get you more when I can.”
Panic (The Flaw Series) Page 16