She left me another love note a couple nights ago, and I keep reading the words over and over again, knowing for sure what I’m starting to feel but afraid to actually let myself feel it.
* * *
under a rain swept sky we kiss
wet lips fusing steam alight
flames flaring surprising miss
wolves threaten my dark night
* * *
I LEAVE the table and move to the couch, grabbing my guitar on the way. Her words still swirling in my head, I work out some chords to match the rhythm playing in my head. She’s only written two small verses, but reading them has triggered a melody that I need to put down. I hum out the sounds floating in my mind and find the right notes, singing the words softly as I do. It’s a process, but I keep moving over the notes again and again until I find the ones that feel good.
I look up at the clock and realize it’s already after eight. Shit! I was so absorbed in what I was doing that I lost track of the time. I snap my guitar into the case, grab my keys, and head out the door to my truck.
Twenty minutes later, I walk into the bar, and the first thing I see is Sydney. As soon as her gaze finds me, her face softens and a beautiful smile breaks free as she lifts her hand to wave, mouthing a silent ‘hi’.
My cheeks rise in return, and I stop in place, my heart doing the same as I realize, right now, right here, that fuck, I’m in love with this girl.
* * *
CHAPTER TWELVE
I climb out of my truck and turn to help Syd slide out after me. It was a crazy night at the bar, and we’re both exhausted. I follow her up the stairs to her apartment and then inside after she unlocks the door, grabbing the mail out of the box against the wall as I do. I throw the mail on the counter and toe off my boots, watching her do the same to hers.
“Are you hungry?” She walks to the fridge, opening it, and stares at the contents inside.
“Not really.” I walk and stand behind her, looking to see if anything captures my eye. “I’m bone tired, though.”
She spins around, her face inches from mine, and smiles coyly as she wraps her arms around my waist. “How tired?”
Even though I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn on Sundays, it’s after two, and all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. “Tired.” I give her a quick peck on the lips and pull out of her arms, a frown creasing her face as I push away and head to the bedroom. I hear her footsteps patter behind me.
“Justin, you okay?” I can hear the worry in her voice, and I get it. There hasn’t been a single night spent together that we haven’t ravished each other the minute we burst through the door. But I’m not going to lie. I’m freaking out a little about how quickly things have moved, comprehending that I’ve got it bad for this girl. I’m not quite sure what to do with all the feelings churning around in my head right now.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I yank my shirt over my head, push my jeans off, then turn to face her. “I’m just completely wiped out. It’s been a long day.” I place a soft kiss on her lips and have to force myself to stop when the desire to pull her against me deepens. “Do you mind if we just go to sleep?”
Her eyes roam down my nearly naked body, her lip stuck between her teeth, her hunger evident, but she nods her head. “Um, sure, if you’re tired.” She turns and walks to the bathroom where I hear the water turn on as she washes her face.
Why the fuck am I fighting this? Every cell in my body wants to walk in there behind her, bend her over the sink, run my hands over inch of her body, and sink into her. I crave her, even when she’s three feet away from me, and that scares the shit out of me. What the hell am I supposed to do now that I’ve realized I don’t want to be without her? I’m leaving in a few months. This was the last damn thing I wanted or thought would happen. I get in the bed and lay back against the pillows, closing my eyes as I try to figure this shit out.
She slides in next to me and then curls herself around my body, my arms instinctively wrapping around her and pulling her closer. Her hand brushes gently back and forth over my bare chest to the cadence of her breathing until it finally slows and then stops, her body relaxed and sleeping. I lay there for over an hour, but I’m not able to do the same, so I finally ease myself out from under her and step quietly out of the room, shutting the door behind me.
I turn the light on in the open area of the living space, walk over to the fridge, and open it to grab a beer. I unlock the front door and stand out on the porch, sipping the beer as I listen to the sounds of the night. The leaves rustle softly in the light breeze wafting through the dark, and peepers are singing their night songs. After a few minutes, I get chilly and move back inside to the couch.
I rustle through the books she has on the coffee table and pull out a tattered notebook I find in the pile. As I leaf through the book, I pause when I realize it’s pages and pages of her writing. It seems to be mostly poems, thoughts, but also maybe the beginning of some stories. I skim through the pages and fix upon a poem she’s written. She has “Choices” written at the top, and I wonder what inspired the words she wrote.
* * *
You can’t make choices.
Won’t you open up your mind?
It can get real hard sometimes,
Better when I’m sleeping all night,
When I’m up so late you’re always on my mind,
Always on my mind.
* * *
But when there’s nothing more,
You had the upper hand.
If this is it, I thought there’d be more.
* * *
Sitting in the chair, I can’t find
The mask I need to disguise what’s right.
Incapable of breathing, just fall down
One day we will all drown. It’s fate evaporate.
* * *
But I think there’s something more I could’ve said.
Deep in head, I fell asleep.
* * *
Circumstances lie. Why me?
Someone so unlucky to never see
Overall dramatic consequences.
Why can’t we be mad at all people?
* * *
It’s not their fault,
Unfairness reaching crosshairs.
My little heart, in the apart, in the dark,
Thinking.
But soon I’ll know
I will see. It will come to me.
Feel the breeze.
* * *
I READ the words three times and shake my head at their depth. This would make an amazing song. I walk over to the counter and grab my phone where I set it earlier, carrying it back to the couch. I open the camera app, hold it over the page, and snap a picture of the words. I flip through the pages until I reach the last one she’s written on, and my heart soars when I read it.
In your arms
Justin, Justin, Justin… xo
* * *
cant tell if you’re eyeing me, the irony it gets to me
tape my mouth and lie to me i can’t speak
And i drink before you, calm down the nerves
Why can't iI just be myself around you
In your arms i feel safe
But you try to keep me awake
then iI go and sleep tight
On my own he knows That i break
And I know your struggles I’m alone in shackles
Beating down the high beam park it here not the lobby
Stop the shit you’re stinking up the mix I’m making
In the state of my mind, alaska, go ask ya
In your arms i feel safe
But you try to keep me awake
then i go and sleep tight
On my own he knows That
i break away in his arms
sometimes i don’t feel safe
he keeps me up so late
but in your arms i stay safe
* * *
IT’S DATED three days ago. I read it one more time and know it won’t be enough so I ta
ke a picture of this page, too. She’s insanely talented. I didn’t realize until seeing her thoughts, her words written down. There is still so much for me to learn about her. I sit for another half hour reading her words and know I’m not going to sleep tonight.
I tip-toe back into the bedroom, pausing to watch her as she sleeps, her hair scattered in a thousand directions around her head, her breath whispering out between her puffy lips, and my heart surges. Yes, I’m in love with her. There’s not a doubt anymore as I look at her, and this time, I’m only filled with a sense of peace, not fear. I pluck my jeans and shirt off the floor and then quietly backtrack to the living area again to put them on, followed by my boots. I rip a piece of paper from the notebook and jot down a few words.
* * *
Syd,
Couldn’t sleep so went home.
Come on out to the farm later if you want.
Love,
Justin
* * *
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I stretch and roll over, yawning as I do, sulking when I realize Justin isn’t in the bed with me. I glance at the alarm clock, noting that it’s after nine and know he’s used to getting up much earlier than that. I slip out of bed, use the bathroom, and sneak into the kitchen to surprise him, but find out the surprise is on me when all I discover is a note left on the counter.
I read it and stare at the last two lines of the note: Love, Justin. He wrote love. We haven’t said that word to each other yet. Not that I haven’t wondered about it since Kelly brought it up yesterday, but now, here it is on paper. I’m not going to read too much into it. It’s just a little word that lots of people use when signing a note or letter. Okay, maybe not a little word.
I hold the note to my chest and spin around in a happy circle, allowing myself one small celebration over the note, and then pull myself together. I make coffee and can’t stop smiling as I hum “Crazy” while I scoop coffee into the filter. Justin and I danced to that last night during our traditional after hours ‘rhythm’ lesson, him crooning every word softly as we swayed.
Is this what love feels like? I like it if it is. I wait for the coffee to brew and sort through the mail Justin tossed on the counter last night, freezing when I see the return address on one of the envelopes. Holy crap! It’s from one of the biggest publishing companies in the States! My hands shake as I snag it from the pile and rip open the seal. I pull out the letter, the very thick letter I might add, and unfold it.
* * *
DEAR MS. PORTER,
We are extremely delighted that you and your agent chose to submit your work to our house and would be thrilled if you would consider publishing with us. We absolutely loved your book and can’t believe it’s a debut novel. The writing is outstanding, and we feel strongly that this story will resonate with many readers and move quickly onto the best seller list. To show our commitment and belief in you, please find enclosed a contract for your review.
My eyes scan the rest of the letter and the contract before I drop it on the counter and scream. “Oh my God! They want me!”
Coffee forgotten, I run to my room, throw on the first thing I grab from my closet, slide my feet into a pair of sandals, and grab my keys and the letter as I race from the house. Fifteen minutes later, I pull up in front of Justin’s cottage, throw the car in park, and run inside.
I look around and see he’s not here so head back out and over to the barn. I walk into the dark, cool space and call out his name. “Justin?”
“Yo!” His head pops out from the loft above, a grin on his sweaty face. “You came!”
I smile back and move to the ladder, clenching the letter between my teeth so I can use my hands to climb up. I look as I move up the rungs and see him at the top waiting for me, hand stretched out to help me with the final couple steps.
“Whatcha got there?” He yanks the letter out of my mouth just as I begin hopping up and down.
“I got it! They want to publish my book, Justin!” I point to the letter as he’s trying to read it, still hopping in place. “They are like the biggest publication house! Can you believe it?” I shriek as I watch him finish scanning the letter, his smile growing in size as he does.
“Syd! This is amazing!” He picks me up and spins me around, slamming a kiss down on my mouth when he comes to a stop. “I’m so proud of you! Congratulations!”
I pick the letter up where it dropped when he spun me around and point to one of the paragraphs. “They want to give me a thirty-thousand-dollar advance!” I look up at him with wide eyes. “Thirty-thousand, Justin!”
“Looks like you’re buying dinner tonight!” He plants another kiss on my lips, but this time, when the letter drifts to the ground, it’s because it slips from my fingers as I wrap my arms around him and tangle them in his hair. Our kiss grows more heated, his hands slipping under the skirt of my sundress to grasp onto my ass as he pushes his groin into me.
I tear my lips away from his and lock my gaze on him, my blood surging through my veins when I see the heat in them. I place my hand flat against his chest and push, stepping forward as I do until he falls back into a sitting position on a stack of hay bales. I kick my sandals off and move to straddle him, but not before I slide my panties down and off, my eyes never leaving his, my grin naughty as his widens in surprise.
“Are you still tired?” I ask huskily as I seat myself across his legs and rock my naked core against his hard length.
“Not even a little.” His hand is on the back of my head, bringing it forward as he slams his lips to mine, his tongue sweeping across, forcing them apart, then delving inside. I moan when his other hand travels to my breast and squeezes gently, his lips now grazing a trail down my neck. He pushes the strap of my dress down until my breast is free, seals his lips over my nipple, and sucks hard. My head falls back and I arch into him, feeling my peak tighten and grow taut under his tongue.
“That feels so good, Justin.” I rock my pelvis into his length again, his lips flipping a switch that has my core throbbing. I grip the back of his neck and use it as leverage to lift myself up, then slowly slide my clit against the hard denim covering his cock to try to find some relief.
Justin finally seems to get the message and tears his mouth away from my breast. He moves to unbutton his jeans and then wiggles to lower them until his cock springs free. I groan and wrap my hand around it, sliding it up and down the silk of his length, my core dripping now.
He’s nipping at my neck and gripping my waist and then lifting me so I’m over him. “Jesus Christ, get the fuck on me, Sydney. I want to feel you around me.” His words come out in pants, and I move to line his cock up underneath me, and then slowly lower myself on top of him.
I bite my lip as his crown slips past my center, and then I push all the way down, groaning when I’m fully seated. His mouth finds mine and crushes against it, his hips moving to thrust up, surging into mine. I press my knees down into the hay and slide myself up and down his hard shaft, my clit rubbing against his coarse hair, stimulating me every time I grind myself home.
We’re both panting and clinging to each other, trying to keep our lips fused as we rock together, our tempo increasing as we build toward our climax. I feel myself begin to fly higher, my body tingling, and I know I’m close.
“I’m going to come.” I grip his back, digging my short nails into his skin as I grind myself harder, my mouth at his ear, my breaths coming out in short bursts.
“Me too! Come with me, Syd. Come with me.” He squeezes me tight in his arms, thrusting hard and deep one more time, my pussy clenching around him like a vise as he does, then pulsing wildly as I feel his warm seed explode inside of me.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” tumbles from my mouth as I cling to him, my body shuddering against his as aftershocks shiver through me. His lips are kissing my neck and then moving across my cheek until they find my mouth. He drops soft kisses against them, his breaths ragged, his forehead resting against mine. My eyes flutter open to fin
d his looking at me intensely. He drops another soft kiss, not breaking my gaze, and then whispers, “I love you,” before kissing me softly again.
I move to pull back, but his grip on me tightens and he shakes his head. “Don’t move.” He kisses me again. “Just stay like this for another minute. You don’t have to say it back. But I want to remember this feeling, the way you feel on top of me, around me. I don’t ever want to forget it.”
My heart flares, and I swear it feels like it’s on fire. I clench my fingers around the nape of his neck and kiss him. I kiss him with every ounce of emotion I am feeling, my body pressed up against his until I feel like we are one, my breath becoming his breath. When I finally tear away from him, it’s only because I need to speak. It comes out softly. “I love you, too Justin.”
We hold each other for a long time before we finally break apart, me lifting myself off of him. He pulls a handkerchief out of his back pocket and gently helps me clean myself up before I slide my panties back on. He pulls his jeans up, rises, and pulls me into his arms.
“Is this too soon? It’s only been a little over a month.” His chest vibrates as he asks out loud what we both may be thinking.
I shrug in his arms. “I don’t know. How long does love take?” I turn my gaze up to his. “I just know this feels good. It feels right, definitely different than anything else.”
He leans down and sweeps several kisses over my lips before speaking. “I don’t know how long love takes. I guess one month.” He smiles and places a kiss on the tip of my nose. “And this feels so much more than good. It feels fucking amazing.”
Love Notes Page 9