Face I’m feeling fine slowly hear me mine
* * *
Open my eyes head off the pillow I see blue
Go ahead and cry about your parent one more time
Always supportive, but no one supports shit when you gotta make dues
Out on your porch and thinking the mine of accusation
* * *
Fridays don’t feel like Fridays anymore
Maybe it’s ‘cause I look forward
* * *
Of making a fool out of myself, and it piles damn it piles
I hope streets will fill when I’m done banners on the wall
And I’m coming down entertain my lungs
Face I’m feeling fine, slowly hear me mine.”
* * *
IT’S BEAUTIFUL, and even though most of the words only make sense to me, every person in the room breaks into wild applause when he’s done. Except for me. I sit and stare until his gaze finds me, and I simply mouth, “I love you.”
Several hours later, the guests have left, and only Kelly, Adam, Jonathan, Justin, and I remain. Pam and Tom took Tini home with them so we could have a few hours to ourselves. I’m so tired, but I don’t want the day to end, so we sit, and we talk, and we laugh. Today was a really good day, but each day has been getting harder for me; the pain is starting to get worse, my body beginning to weaken.
Justin looks over at me knowingly and suggests it’s time to call it a night. I nod, grateful that he always seems to know what I need. I rise from the table, but Kelly jumps up and tells me to stay. She digs around in her purse, pulls out a dollar, and walks over to the jukebox. I smile and laugh, knowing what’s coming. I watch her punch in some numbers and then scoot her way over to me.
I stand and get ready to croon out our favorite song, one more time, and then still when I hear violins instead and swing my gaze to her in surprise.
“You never had your first dance,” she states quietly. She leans over and kisses my cheek and then sits back down. I look over at Justin, who’s already standing, and we walk together to the center of the dance floor. His arms wrap around me, like they’ve done so many times before, but this time, it’s as husband and wife, and we start swaying to our song, the very first song we ever danced to.
His breath is warm against my ear as he whispers against it. “Have I ever told you I love you?”
I bite my lip, trying to keep my tears at bay, and shake my head against his. “You do?”
He pulls me tighter and kisses my cheek. “I do.”
I smile, knowing I’ll never say truer words when I reply. “Good, ‘cause I love you, too.”
* * *
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
SIX MONTHS LATER
W e buried Sydney three weeks ago, under an old Oak tree on the far side of the field overlooking our pond. Per her request, we didn’t have a big funeral; only her dad, Kelly’s family, and my family were present. For her burial, it was only me. I placed her in the ground, in a stone-gray casket lined in white silk, with her dressed only in my old blue shirt. She made me promise, telling me it was the only thing she could ever sleep comfortably in.
After the wedding, we went back to Florida and spent her good days filled with making memories together. We took Tini to Disney World, me insisting Sydney wear a surgical mask over her face at all times to keep from getting sick, and her trying to take it off every chance I wasn’t looking. We sailed to the Bahamas on a yacht I rented so she and Tini could swim with the dolphins on Paradise Island. I booked a private plane and flew us to a cabin in Vermont for New Year’s so we could watch Tini play in the snow.
There were quiet days as well, when she got too weak to travel anymore, so we sat on the beach with the sun on our faces and took joy in Tini jumping in the waves, bringing us pink shells she found buried in the sand. Each time, she would try to fly with the seagulls lining the shore, her laughter carrying on the wind.
And then there was the worst day. The day she fought to take one more breath as I held her in my arms, Tini wrapped in hers, my heart shattering into a million pieces when the last puff of air passed through her lips. Tini shaking her mother, begging her to wake up as I tried to keep myself from breaking in half while I pulled her from her mother’s arms.
I try not to focus on that memory, instead forcing myself to remember Syd’s laughter, her warm lips on mine, and the look in her eyes when she watched her daughter play. But it’s still a struggle for me. I’m so angry that she’s gone and that our time together was so short.
I walk up to the mound of dirt under the tree that’s just starting to show new sprouts of grass poking through and sit down beside her. Mom must have come earlier today because there are fresh tulips planted at the top of the grave. I didn’t put up a headstone, and instead, just carved her name into the Oak tree. She said she just wanted to be up here with nature, to run free and still feel her toes in the grass.
I’ve come every day since I laid her here, but I’m leaving tomorrow to go back to Florida and pack up her house. I’ve put it off as long as I can, and know I need to do it before I head back to the studio to record next month.
It’s time for me to go back to work. The label has been great about all the time I’ve taken off, and I know they would let me take more if I wanted, but honestly, I’ve got so many emotions pent up inside of me, it will be good to write some of them down and get them out there. Kelly helped me to hire a really good nanny that I’m taking to L.A. with me and Tini.
The label and the studio have worked out a great schedule with me, setting up ground rules around the hours I’m available to work and dates I can tour. I think they’re just so damn happy I’m coming back that they would have agreed to anything I proposed. We’ll be in California for three months to record, then I’ll tour for three months this summer to support the new album, and then I’ll come back to the farm for six months with Tini.
It works for now. She’s not in school. I’ll have to figure things out when she gets a little older. I explain all this out loud to Sydney as I sit by her grave and hope she’d be happy with the decisions I’ve made. I really want to do what’s right for our daughter, and I think this is it.
I lay back in the grass, wanting to feel closer to her, and turn on my side to face the mound. “I miss you so much, Sydney. I can’t sleep at night. I pace around the cottage and watch Tini sleep instead. Do you know she breaths just like you when she’s sleeping?” I laugh softly to myself. “Of course, you wouldn’t know that. You can’t watch yourself sleep.”
I listen to the birds chirp around me and just lay on the ground next to her, thinking about what else I need to make sure she knows before I leave tomorrow. “Oh, I need to figure out what to do for Tini’s birthday. You didn’t tell me what to do. I can’t believe she’s going to be four in a couple weeks. She said she wants to go to Brazil because that’s where Dora the Explorer lives, and she wants to help her catch the fox.” I laugh at the memory of Tini sharing this request with me yesterday. “I mean, really, Syd? How does she even know about Brazil?”
Sitting back up, I rest my hands on my bent knees. “Don’t worry, though. I’m not taking her to Brazil. Maybe to Hawaii instead? I mean, we’ll be in L.A. anyway. That’s probably too much, huh?”
Shaking my head, I ask her one last question before I go. “Have I ever told you that I love you?”
I keep waiting for an answer, even though I know I’m not going to get one, and rest my head wearily on top of my hands, unable to stop the tears that have started falling from my eyes again. I honestly don’t know how I have any left to cry, but they keep coming. My body shakes when I think about walking away from this spot, from her, knowing I won’t be back for a while.
I raise my head to the heavens and scream at God for taking her from me. “Why? Why did you take her? You should have taken me! I can’t do this without her! I don’t want to live without her here! Why, God? Why?” Tears are running in rivers down my face, blinding me, as I dr
op my head onto my knees and sob uncontrollably, and repeat again and again, “How can I do this without you, Syndey?”
I’m not sure how long I’ve cried. I can feel the shadows growing longer around me and know I need to leave, but I can’t bring myself to move from this spot. I hear a rustling sound and lift my head, curious to see who might have come, thinking maybe Kelly, and freeze.
A small red fox sits at the foot of Syd’s grave, it’s little paws resting in the fresh dirt, staring back at me. I stare back, waiting to see what it does, but it just sits there, not moving at all. I begin to wonder if I’m dreaming, so I speak to it. “Hey there, little one.”
It finally moves, taking two tiny steps in my direction, and then stops again. I smile, surprised it’s getting so close to me, and then frown for a minute, surprised it doesn’t seem to be afraid.
The fox takes a couple more steps toward me and stops again, still staring at me. I look at it, and the strangest feeling spreads over me. For the first time in weeks, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. A sense of peace settles within my soul. I cock my head, staring at the fox intently, and wonder if what I’m about to do is crazy.
“Sydney?” It comes as a whisper. I’m not sure if I believe I’m even asking the fox this question, or maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m asking God.
The fox tilts it’s head and runs in a small circle on the small hill before hopping lightly back onto the mossy grass. I watch as it kneads its front paws into the ground and then looks up at me.
Knowing this is absolutely crazy, I ask my question one more time, but look directly at the fox. “Have I ever told you that I love you?”
The fox stands on its back two legs for just a second, and then falls forward again on all four, scampers quickly over to my hand, and butts her head against it. When it turns its eyes to me, it stares for just a few seconds and then turns and flees into the woods.
I stand quickly and turn in the direction the fox ran, and swear, for just a second, in the shadows, that I see Sydney. I blink, though, and the image is gone. In that instance, so is the deep pain that surrounded my heart for almost a month. I shake my head and then look at her grave, bend down, and place a kiss on my hand and then press it into dirt. “I do, so, so much.”
And then I turn and head back down the hill to the only other girl that will ever hold my heart.
* * *
The End
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
There are always so many people you want to thank after you finish writing a book, and for those of you who already know me, I tend to get wordy… For once, I’m going to try and keep this relatively short. Wish me luck…
First and foremost, a huge thank you to my son, and my very own rock star, Tyler. Sydney’s poems are actually Tyler’s songs. Songs he’d already written and that I loved, so I wrote scenes in the book that enabled me to use them; his words. If you want to hear his music, you can find him on Spotify at Tyler Legare. The songs in this book, Choices, Friday’s, and In Your Arms (Alaska), are being released on 4/28/2018, on an album titled Alaska. Check him out; he’s amazing. Tyler, you slay me with your talent, your drive, and your passion. I love you.
Thank you to my rock, the better half of me, the person who can always make me laugh, and still loves me like crazy, my husband Doug. You built me a palace of an office, you put up my bookcases, you share my every post and support my every dream. I love you so much and thank the heavens every day that you asked me to dance all those years ago. Tommy, thanks for every supportive hug, bringing me coffee, giving me more hugs, telling me I’m an amazing mom, and oh yeah, did I mention the amazing hugs? Felicia, thanks for styling out my swag, having the patience of a saint while you do, and for being everything I could want in a daughter.
I wouldn’t be half the author I am without the support of the amazing Indie community I’m a part of. Helene Cuji, thank you for your constant support, friendship and love, but especially for introducing me to my book bestie, Haylee Thorne. I think every writer needs a ying to their yang to help find their balance, and I have definitely found that in her. Okay, perhaps the balance thing is still an issue, but I blame the champagne, which again, is Haylee’s fault. Haylee, thanks for every phone call where you made me laugh, told me to snap out of it, reminded me I was good enough, helped me through a chapter, or just to talk about our day. I cannot wait to see what’s to come for us! Love your face.
Thanks to Amanda Walker for this amazingly gorgeous cover, and for all your support and friendship. I can send you a message with a vision in my head, and you deliver every time. I’d just be a blank canvas without you my friend, and oh how boring that would be!
Cindi Medley, Cindy Wolken, Julie Smith and Haylee, thank you for being the first to read this story, share your thoughts, and then threaten to kill me as ugly crying commenced. Cindy, an extra thank you for staying up half the night to help me piece together the perfect ending for the book; it was a struggle! Cindi, thanks for my crown(s). It’s fucking awesome being the queen of my castle!! I truly appreciate every bit of feedback and support you all give me and am so humbled by your friendships!
Thanks to my editor Kendra, who by the way also threatened to kill me, but also makes this book ultimately what it is, and that’s perfect. You’ve been so instrumental in helping me to grow as a writer and a story teller and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I hate listing names, because I always know I’m going to miss someone, but off the top of my head, Andrea Bills, April Moran, Lauren Valderrama, Dusty Summerford, Gina Moody, Carolina Mamos, Nikki Pearce, Christina Butrum, Taryn Steele, Janine Bosco, Cat Wright, Letha Hanover, and CE Johnson: thank you really doesn’t say enough for all your shares, your comments, your support, but I hope you know how very much it means to me. Things have been rough in our book world as of late, and having a circle of friends like you around is not only comforting, it’s a privilege.
And to my readers on my group page, Michelle’s Box of Jewels, thank you, thank you, thank you for all your support, all our fun live feeds, your friendships, and all the laughter you bring me. Having you behind me, holding me up, cheering me on, makes my world such a better place!
Love Notes Play List
* * *
Just Breathe by Pearl Jam
Crazy by Patsy Cline
Linger by The Cranberries
Look Good in my Shirt Keith Urban
Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash
The Gambler by Kenny Rogers
In Your Arms by Tyler Legare
Choices by Tyler Legare
Perfect by Ed Sheeran
Friday’s by Tyler Legare
Here Without You by Three Doors Down
You can find this playlist on Spotify, under Love Notes, The Book
Please note: Songs by Tyler Legare won’t be available until 4/28/18
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Michelle Windsor is a wife, mom, and a writer who lives North of Boston with her family. When she isn’t writing, she’s been known to partake in good wine and good food with her family and friends. She's a voracious reader, loves to hike with her German shepherd, Roman, enjoys a good romance movie and may be slightly obsessed with Outlander.
www.authormichellewindsor.com
ALSO BY MICHELLE WINDSOR
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The Winning Bid
The Final Bid
* * *
Losing Hope
Breaking Benjamin (Releasing May 2018)
* * *
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Love Notes Page 18