I planted a soft kiss on the side of his neck and, despite the cocky grin on his face, he shivered a little. I grinned back. My eyes met Liam’s and I practically tripped in my hurry to get to him. He smiled, warmly, before catching me.
“I am so glad you’re okay,” he whispered to me.
A shaky laugh escaped my lips. “I’m always okay.” I pulled back and looked over at Ash. He was trying. I could see it. But it was hard for him and I was about to make it harder on everyone. “Between the two of you, I’ll always be okay.” I hesitated, looking over at Ash. He immediately sat up straighter and nodded. “Liam, I have to tell your something.”
He took a step back, holding me at arm’s length. His hands tightened on my shoulders, as he looked down at me with concern. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is…wrong. Just…they haven’t told you yet and I knew you had to hear it from me, but Liam, Astrid is here.”
The color drained from Liam’s already pale face and his hands gripped my shoulders righter. I winced but he didn’t seem to notice.
“Liam, she’s here.” His eyes were crazy and darting in all directions. I grabbed his hands and held them firmly in mine. “Look at me. She’s here. Astrid is here.”
“Astrid,” he breathed.
I nodded. “Yes, honey. Astrid.”
His eyes finally met mine and they turned from the deep ocean blue back to his normal pale ice blue eyes. He was focused on me and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Do you want to see her?” I asked, squeezing his hands.
Liam nodded, looking a bit dazed, and Ash immediately stood up to join us. We walked out of the cafeteria and up through the halls to the infirmary. The staff looked shocked when the three of us entered but I held my head high and dragged Liam through, right to the room where everyone was crowded. I may not have known before but I knew now. Octavia exited the room just as we reached it. She looked startled to see us.
“She needs rest,” was all she said.
“I’m sure she does,” I agreed and Octavia looked taken aback. “But Liam also needs to see her. And you know that’s true.” I looked back up at him, staring in a daze at the door behind Octavia. “He’s going to be no good to anyone until he sees that she’s safe.”
Octavia sighed, exasperated. She was getting awfully tired of me. “Very well.” She stepped aside and the three of us pushed forward, opening the door and closing it behind us.
Astrid was perched on the bed. She was a tiny little thing, and she looked hardly older than thirteen, but I knew she was eighteen, from what Liam had told me about her. She had deep black hair that was tied in two messy braids, which only made her look younger, and large brown eyes. She was definitely of some Hispanic descent and I wondered where she had lived before being captured by Sekhmet. Her hands were resting lightly on her stomach. Her round stomach.
“Oh my god,” I choked out. My eyes widened and my hand slipped out of Liam’s grip. “You’re…”
It wasn’t obvious. It wasn’t like she was tipping over from the weight or anything. But there was no mistaking it. She was pregnant, probably only a few months but she was definitely, completely, undeniably pregnant.
Astrid looked up, her braids whipping around as she regarded us. Her eyes took us in, confused at first, until they landed on Liam. The two of them stared at each other so long that I felt like I was intruding. I was about to tell Ash that we should leave when Astrid finally spoke. “They told me that you were here. I didn’t know if I believed it. But here you are.
Liam didn’t respond. He looked in shock, as if he was unsure of what to say or do.
“Don’t trip over your words, Liam,” Astrid said, dryly, shaking her head. She’d gotten over her initial shock. Her teeth were biting into her bottom lip but she was barely concealing a smile. She was happy to see Liam; that was clear. “You might overwhelm yourself.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. Astrid’s eyes immediately shot to mine and I shut up, clamping my lips tightly together. Her left eyebrow rose at the sight of me and she studied me for a second. It had been so long since someone had done that but I didn’t allow myself to squirm under her scrutiny.
“Well, shit, you’re Zoey,” she finally said.
“Um, yes,” I answered, waving my hand awkwardly in the air. “That’s me.” My heart pounded in my chest as my eyes took in her pregnant belly again. That was almost me. It should have been me. I didn’t know whether to be relieved that I had escaped that or upset that it had worked so successfully on Astrid.
Astrid looked back over at Liam. She crossed her legs, like a little kid sitting down for story time, and propped her chin up on her hand. “You didn’t say she was so damn pretty, Liam.”
Liam finally seemed to have woken up from his stupor. He crossed the room and sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. For a moment, it looked like he was going to reach for her but he pulled away before he touched her. I might have imagined it, but she looked disappointed. “That wasn’t exactly significant when I was talking about her, Astrid.”
“Oh, wasn’t it?” she teased. Her small hand reached for him and it rested gently on his knee. He startled at the touch before relaxing into it.
“She’s with me.” Ash said, firmly, behind me, and I groaned.
“Jesus, Ash, she’s kidding,” I pointed out, and sure enough, Astrid had a huge smile on her face. She was already pretty but the smile was the winner. It lit up the entire room and even I was dazzled for a moment under its bright light.
“Wow, a lively room,” Astrid remarked, looking back and forth between the three of us and I decided immediately that I liked her. She probably had given Liam a run for his money back in Sekhmet. It was evident by the look on his face that no matter how many times he had denied it to me, he was insanely in love with her.
I hesitated and then stepped closer. “So she succeeded?”
Astrid’s fingers clenched on her stomach for a moment and she looked panicked, looking down. Her eyes rose and darted around. “Yeah, she succeeded.” She looked at me carefully and my hands folded over my own stomach. Her eyes narrowed but there was no judgment in her expression. Not in the slightest. She was just observing.
“But, um, does that mean…” I looked at Liam and then back to her and she smirked.
“No. We didn’t. Apparently after trying and failing to get the two of to…ahem, consummate your match at Sekhmet, she just forced the issue.” The hand on Liam’s knee moved up, closer to his thigh. “This is a product of in vitro fertilization.”
Liam sucked in a breath, looking absolutely miserable. His eyes drank in every feature of Astrid, like he could never stop looking at her, but he looked guilty as well. “Are you okay?”
Astrid smiled at him, and it was small, sweet and reserved only for him. “Of course I am. I’m here with you.” Her hand fluttered nervously on his thigh before she raised it and cupped his cheek.
His hand immediately went to hers and grasped it tightly, pressing it harder against his cheek. “And our baby?”
Our. He said our. Astrid looked relieved at his words and slumped over, looking tired for the first time in the conversation. “Oh, Liam,” she whispered.
“Okay, that’s our cue to leave,” I whispered to Ash and I hustled him out of the door.
When we made it out of the infirmary and out into one of the empty corridors. I stopped and collapsed against the wall, sliding to the ground. My fingers were digging into my thighs, my knees pulled against my chest. “Oh, Ash. She’s pregnant. She’s going to have a baby.”
“I know,” he answered, sliding onto the floor next to me. He yanked on me hard, pulling me into his lap and pressed a hard kiss on my forehead. I hated that it took seeing that girl pregnant with Liam’s baby for him to act like this with me again, but it felt so much safer in his arms. “I know.”
“That was supposed to be me. I was the only who was supposed to be in that situation. I was the one who was supposed to have started the n
ew master race, or whatever.” I shook my head. “I got cocky or something. I thought…well, I escaped. I couldn’t get pregnant and she couldn’t have my baby if I had escaped. And her plan was ruined.” I took a deep breath. “But she just found someone else. She. Just. Found. Someone. Else. And Astrid didn’t even get a chance because of the hell I caused.”
“It’s not your fault, Zoey,” Ash reassured me, but his arms reaching around to bring me in closer. “I know this is probably wrong, but I’m glad it’s not you. Especially with Liam.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re impossible.”
“It’s what makes you love me so much,” he replied, easily.
“Maybe. Something like that,” I answered back. There was a long pause and I enjoyed the sound of Ash’s heartbeat through his thin shirt. My fingers were wrapped in the fabric and I inhaled. I missed this. I missed the easy way he used to be, even when the world was falling apart. He always made me smile; he never failed to make me laugh.
“It’s okay that it’s not you,” he whispered in my ear, his fingers playing with the ends of my hair.
“That’s why I feel so guilty,” I groaned into his chest. “I’m so glad that it’s not me. I saw her stomach, Ash, and it made me so sick. I never even knew if I wanted kids before all this happened. I knew I didn’t want them at nineteen. Now? I don’t think I’m going to be popping them out any time soon.” My hand ran absentmindedly over the small birth control implant in my arm. “It’s just…she’s so tiny!”
Ash laughed, my head bouncing on his chest as he did so. “She’s only a year younger than us.” I opened my mouth and he continued. “I know what you mean though. She looks like a kid herself. But you have to admit, she looked pretty well taken care of in there.”
I raised my head off his chest and met those deep blue eyes that drove me crazy in all the good and bad ways. My eyebrows rose on my forehead. “So you saw it too?”
It was his turn to roll his eyes. “Anyone with eyes could see the way the two of them looked at each other. I don’t think Razi would have had to wait that long to get them to actually make a baby.”
“You’re impossible,” I repeated. “Does that mean you’ll finally get off my case? And Liam’s?”
Ash opened his mouth and then closed it, looking sheepish. “I’m sorry.”
I smirked up at him. “You’re what? Can you repeat that again?”
He shoved me playfully but his expression remained serious. “Really though Z, I am sorry. I was acting like an ass. Sometimes I just think…” He sucked in a gulp of air and let it out slowly. It blew a few strands of hair into my face and I pushed them away, looking up at him. “Sometimes I think…what if you and I aren’t actually supposed to work? What if we only ended up together because we were all each other had? What if someone else changed what we had because they were actually better?”
I pulled away, my mouth dropping open. “Jesus, Ash.”
He looked down at me in shock. “That’s not what I meant…”
I cut him off. “Ash, I love you. And you know that. And you know that this is how I’ve felt since before all this shit happened. I’m not with you because you were my only option. I’m with you because it doesn’t matter how many other options I have. I only want you. I can’t believe you would think otherwise.”
“Z, you know that’s not what I was saying.” Ash pleaded with me.
“Don’t call me that. And besides, Liam? Liam was my better choice? If that were true, I would have stayed in Sekhmet with him, instead of breaking out and risking my life to save yours.” I pushed myself off of him and glared down at him. “But if you think there might be someone better than me in this stupid place, then go find her. I won’t have you staying with me because I’m your only option.”
I spun on my heel and went stomping away, the anger roaring in my ears, drowning out Ash’s cries of my name.
He caught up to me easily, his hand reaching out to grab my arm. He spun me around and the movement sent the both of us off balance. My back collided with the hard wall, made worse when Ash landed against me. I was so full of anger with him but his warmth always felt good against me.
“Get off,” I said, sharply.
Ash shook his head, his eyes boring into mine. I raised my right fist, to punch him or something but he dodged me quickly and grabbed my arm. His other hand came up and next thing I knew, both of my arms were pinned above my head. I aimed to kick him in the groin but he shifted his weight and leaned more against me. “Stop fighting me, Zoey. You don’t get to be mad at me.”
I stopped struggling and looked up at him. “Are you kidding me?”
“No, I’m not kidding you,” Ash barked out sharply. “You wanted to know what was wrong. You wanted to know why I was acting like a total douche and here I am, trying to explain it to you and you just walk away from me. You don’t listen to me. You don’t talk to me and you don’t listen to me.”
“That is not true…” I started to say but he cut him off.
“Is it true, Zoey. You don’t talk to me. You disappear and you spend all this time with Liam and you talk to him and you listen to him and what am I supposed to think? I’m supposed to be the one you come to and you don’t.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it again. Ash’s entire body was pressed against mine, making it incredibly hard to concentrate. “Ash…it’s not that…it’s not that I don’t want to come to you. I love you. But Liam has become a best friend to me. And he understands. He was there with me, in that place. He knows what it was like. He knew what it was like to be so terrified.”
Ash’s mouth came crashing down on me before I had the chance to react. I was shocked, unable to move, before his tongue probed at my lips and I opened myself to him. Our kisses were fast and feverish and desperate and there was a reminder in the back of my mind that we were fighting, but he felt so good and it had been too long since he had kissed me like this. A moan caught in the back of my throat and he groaned, his hands pressing my arms tighter against the wall. We kissed again and again before he pulled himself away.
“Ash?” I asked, confused. My head was spinning and my lips felt bruised. My heart was racing in my chest and I wanted to pull him back onto me, to feel him against me once more.
“Sorry,” he whispered. His forehead pressed hard against mine and his breathing was quick and fast. “I got carried away.”
There was a long bout of silence before he spoke again. “You just…you forget. God, Zoey, you forget that I was there too. And I didn’t have anyone to keep me going. I was locked in a five by five cell, and I saw no one. I didn’t know what they were going to do with me and I had no idea if you were okay. I spent most of my days staring at the wall, wondering if it was the day I was going to die. I was terrified in that place. I have nightmares too. I know exactly what it felt like to be in there, and it kills me that you can’t come to me when you’re scared or you’re anxious or you’ve had a bad dream, but you’ll go to him.”
Ash took a deep breath and dropped his arms. My own arms stayed glued to the wall for a moment as I stared at him. “Ash…why didn’t you ever say anything?”
His fiery gaze turned on me and I shrunk into the wall. “Zoey, I’ve tried! I’ve tried to get you to talk to me. I’ve told you, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here, and all you saw was a jealous boyfriend. And yeah, I was jealous, not because I thought you and Liam had something going on. I know better than that. No, I was jealous because the girl I love, the girl I’m with, couldn’t even come to me, not even when she knows how much I understand how scared she is.”
A flush of shame went through me. I wasn’t happy with Ash Matthews. I wasn’t happy with him or Liam right now to be perfectly honest. But I couldn’t deny that he was saying things that made complete sense. It was another testament to how much Ash had grown up in the last year since the Awakened had struck. Last year, I would not have given him the credit of having a valid point in an argument. Then again, we had never really arg
ued, just bickered. The Ash of last year would have just thrown water balloons full of Jell-O at me, instead of standing in front of me explaining things rationally.
“Ash, I’m sorry,” I finally said, quietly.
He sighed loudly, sounding impatient but the lines on his face had smoothed out and now, he simply looked tired. “I know, Zoey.” There were mere inches between us and it felt like so much more. I had never been afraid of reaching for him, not in the last four or five months that we had been “official” but this was the first time we’d ever really fought and I was afraid to even look at him. I studied the tile on the floor.
Ash reached for me first, his hand coming up around my neck. I collided into his chest, and clung onto him. “I know you are,” he repeated, his voice much softer. More understanding. I felt like I was shrinking smaller and smaller. If I could, I would just melt into the wall behind me.
His fingers ran patterns on my skin, sending goosebumps rippling across me. Normally I’d be a little embarrassed. “Don’t disappear on me, Zoey. Not now.” I felt his lips brush the top of my head and I pressed myself tighter into him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I promised.
“Good. You’re the only person I have left, Zoey. You’re it. You’re the only person that I have left in this world. I don’t know what I would do if you were gone too.”
I swallowed hard, biting back the tears that had been threatening since I had escaped the hospital room with Liam and Astrid’s reunion. The pain from the losses we had experienced over the past year had dulled some, but they never went away. Ash’s parents. My parents. Our friends. Our families. Everyone.
“The world is a shitty place right now and relationships are hard enough. Let’s not make this harder than it has to be, okay?”
I nodded. “You’re right.”
“And don’t you forget that,” he joked weakly as I smiled sadly against his chest. “I love you, Zoey.”
The Sanctuary Page 10