by Emma Nichols
‘Yup,’ she said, mimicking his drawl, but her tone lacked humour. She stamped out the last of the roll-up and wiped away the beaded sweat on her forehead. ‘Remember your suntan lotion,’ she said. ‘It’s gonna be fucking hot out there today.’
‘Yup, ain’t that the truth.’ He threw his cigarette butt to the floor, stepped on it and started back through the dining hall. ‘I’ll let Katherine know the good lookin’ one’s goin’ with her,’ he said, with a mischievous smile.
Ash slapped him on the arm then stopped. ‘Wait.’ She sucked through her teeth and looked skyward. ‘I’ll go. Maybe it’ll give us time to talk about stuff.’ She put her hand on his arm and squeezed. ‘And,’ she started, placing a light kiss on his cheek and wrapping her arms around his neck for a hug, ‘I reckon your hand could do without a day trip to Damascus.’
He looked down, wriggled his fingers, his features tightening with the sharp pain. ‘Yeah…still hurts like a sonuvabitch!’
Iman lowered her eyes to the floor, unable to watch the apparent display of affection between Ash and Craig. Her gut tugged with the anxiety that had flared up in an instant. She removed the apron from around her waist, folded it carefully, and set it down on the side, next to the tin. I need some air. Think, think, think! ‘I’m just going outside,’ she said, fighting the spinning in her head, and nausea that had just hit the pit of her stomach with a thud.
8.
Ash pulled out the tobacco pouch from her jeans’ pocket, one hand guiding the steering wheel.
‘Please don’t smoke in the car,’ Kate objected, not leaving any room for challenge.
Ash huffed. ‘When did you stop smoking?’ She threw the pouch onto the dashboard, her arm resting lazily on the armrest between them.
‘Just after Uni.’ Kate stared out the side window, her mind lost in the thought.
Ash nodded. The sand was starting to whip up, swirl, and sweep across the road, making its way north. Two hours on the road already, it was going to be a very long day.
‘Were you in love with him?’
Kate stiffened. ‘Who?’
‘Alan, your husband! Unless you don’t want to talk about it,’ Ash added hastily, suddenly worried she was pushing too hard. ‘The other night, I just got the impression you were, I dunno, holding back a bit. You didn’t say much about him.’
Kate’s eyes rose in her head, and she released a slow breath. She had deliberately avoided the details about that part of her life, hoping instead to reconnect through their shared past and get Ash’s forgiveness for abandoning her. Kate clamped her arms around her body. ‘I...’ She paused. ‘I thought I was.
But I think I was in love with the illusion.’
‘Which one?’ Ash asked, with more than a hint of cynicism.
‘You’re right.’ She scoffed. ‘The illusion that he would protect me as per our vows,’ she added. There was anger in her tone, but something else too. Disappointment? Betrayal?
‘He let you down?’ Ash asked.
Kate turned her eyes to the front. ‘He assaulted me,’ she said, with more calmness than she felt, though she had practised the line sufficiently over the years.
Ash turned, wide-eyed, and stared briefly before turning her attention back to the road. ‘Shit, Kate!’
‘Yes. He was, a shit, actually.’
‘What happened?’ Ash asked, reflexively. She flushed instantly. ‘Sorry, it’s none of my business.’
Kate turned her head and studied the side of Ash’s soft face for a moment.
Ash turned too, catching the depth of Kate’s green eyes, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.
‘It’s okay. I don’t mind telling you.’ Kate said.
Both pairs of eyes settled back to the road. ‘He raped me.’ Kate continued, her voice uncharacteristically quiet.
Ash felt the knife enter her gut and twist sharply. Her mouth moved, twitched, tried, and failed to form any words. I’m sorry, just didn’t cut it. It wasn’t enough, but it was the only thing that had the strength to be heard. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. Her voice was timid, her eyes burned, and she was finding it hard to swallow. She glanced sideways, taking stock of Kate.
‘Everyone looks at me like that when they find out.’ Ash froze. ‘Wondering what to say to me? How to make things better? Pity, that’s the worst of it. Apparently, I was asking for it,’ she said, cynically. ‘Who asks to be raped, Ash?’ she asked, the question a rhetorical one.
Ash remained silent, waiting for her to continue.
‘No, I didn’t take it to court. I couldn’t bare my soul in that way. Too humiliating. But I made them pay. Him, and his bloody family.’
A gust of wind caused the car to sway, but it was the wrong moment to comment on the deteriorating weather.
‘It never leaves you.’ Kate continued. ‘The pain, yes, that eases a little. But it’s the realisation of your weakness, how fragile you are, and the hollow, empty feeling that isolates you from the rest of the world. That doesn’t seem to lift. Even with all the highs, the alcohol and the drugs. I get to escape in the moment, and in the next, I’m feeling lower and more alone than I ever was before.’
‘I can imagine,’ Ash said, softly.
‘No you can’t, Ash. No one can unless they’ve been there.’ The words came out abrasively, but it was the undeniable truth that caused Ash’s eyes to drop a fraction.
‘You’re right.’
‘So, you see. When you add it all up and slap a large dose of pity in the mix, it’s ugly. I’m ugly. I’m tainted goods unworthy of love. And certainly not the good wife I was supposed to be; the one that took it all and bowed graciously, thankful for the big home, the fast cars, and social engagements. What price the high life, eh?’ She snorted. ‘And all to please Ma and Pa,’ she added, with resentment.
‘Shit.’
‘Yes, shit! I got caught in the trap, Ash.’
‘I’m sorry, but we’re going to need to pull over.’ Ash said, searching for the horizon in all directions. The sand was swirling faster and higher than it had been a short distance back. ‘I can’t see well enough,’ she said.
‘It doesn’t look too bad,’ Kate said, pulling herself up in her seat, and peering through the windscreen.
‘I could push it a bit further, but it’s deteriorating quickly,’ Ash said, pulling the car to the side of the road and switching off the engine, and with it the air conditioning. ‘If we get sand in the engine we won’t be going anywhere!’ she said.
‘What do we do now?’
‘Wait it out.’
They sat in silence, the car rocking, bracing them from the wind and sand, the heat steadily rising inside the car. Kate slumped back into her seat, her eyes locked on the front windscreen.
‘Does Craig know what happened?’ Ash asked.
‘No.’
‘He cares about you, you know.’
‘He’s kind but he’s still a man, and that is…’
‘Difficult?’
‘Raw,’ she corrected. ‘It’s still early days for me. Sadly, my…’ She struggled to find the right words. ‘My experiences with that man have affected my relationship with all men. I… struggle.’
‘I’m not surprised.’
‘Seeing you though.’ She turned to face Ash, raised her hand and brushed the bob behind Ash’s ear. ‘You make me feel something again.’
Ash went to speak, but nothing came out.
‘My biggest mistake was breaking up with you,’ Kate continued, her eyes watering.
Ash swallowed the lump in her throat.
‘I knew it then too. I had no choice though. Ma and Pa were going to withdraw their support for my education unless I ‘changed my ways’.’ The wind buffeted the car suddenly, and she gasped, stared out the side window, her hand holding her chest.
‘It’s okay; we’ll be safe here. It should blow through soon enough,’ Ash said, reassuringly. She studied the sand filled sky around the car and winced.
Kate relaxed her han
d. ‘I don’t think I ever stopped loving you,’ she continued.
‘It was a long time ago,’ Ash responded, with a hint of remorse.
Kate leaned towards her, a sense of urgency in her voice. ‘I feel something with you, Ash. Something I’ve never felt with anyone else. I thought I was over you.’ She ruffled her hair as she spoke. ‘And then I turn up here and bam!’ She pulled back; she’d already said too much.
‘I know,’ Ash mumbled picking at her fingers. ‘It’s been tough for me too, seeing you again.’ She wanted to reach across and pull Kate into her arms, comfort her, and take away the pain. But she couldn’t, something stopped her. She took a deep breath and blew it out towards her hairline. ‘It’s fucking stifling in here,’ she said, acutely aware of the rising heat and lack of airflow.
‘Please don’t say anything to Craig.’
Ash raised her eyes and held Kate’s pleading gaze. ‘Of course not,’ she said softly, noticing Kate’s irises shift in colour. ‘How long ago was the rape,’ she asked in a whisper.
‘Just over two years and my divorce came through six months ago. We were in Russia. His father owned the company, so he got me the job out there.’ She leaned back in the seat staring out the front window, ignoring the passing sand. ‘We were isolated, and marriage happened very quickly. It was after that he changed, became aggressive, and expected me to do things. I did what he asked at first, but when it didn’t feel right anymore and I wanted to stop, he didn’t. He just wanted more and didn’t take ‘no’ too well.’ She turned and focused on Ash’s deep blue eyes. ‘It cost them a lot of money to buy my silence.’
Ash nodded, not needing the details.
‘Does that make me a prostitute, Ash?’
Ash flinched. She held Kate’s eyes with sincerity. ‘I guess that depends how you feel about it,’ she said. ‘It’s his punishment for hurting you,’ she said, shrugging.
‘Thank you.’ Kate smiled.
‘For what?’
‘For not thinking badly of me,’ she said.
‘I could never…’
‘It’s okay; you don’t need to justify.’ She raised a hand in Ash’s direction. She leaned forward and pressed a light kiss on Ash’s cheek.
Heat rushed to the spot instantly. ‘I think it’s clearing,’ Ash croaked. Sand still blasted across the front of the car.
‘Maybe.’
Silence filled the space, both women glancing at the sun trying to peek through the airborne sand.
‘What about you?’ Kate asked.
‘What about me?’ Ash repeated.
‘Anyone special? I mean I assume not, or you wouldn’t have kissed me,’ she added.
‘You kissed me.’ The words came out sharply.
‘Sorry, you’re right, I kissed you, and I don’t regret it.’ Kate started to smile. ‘And you did kiss me back.’
‘There isn’t anyone,’ Ash said, drawing the conversation away from the kiss.
‘Iman?’
Ash jolted. ‘Iman?’
‘It’s clear she likes you a lot.’
‘She’s Syrian, and she’s kind to everyone.’ Ash’s eyes widened, and her heart raced.
‘And, she likes you. You seriously haven’t noticed how she looks at you?’
‘Err, no.’ A sudden burst of heat flushed Ash’s cheeks with the white lie.
‘Well, she does. And, it makes me very jealous,’ Kate added, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
Ash stared at the sweeping sand. She’d never seriously considered Iman as a love interest because of her being Syrian, but there was something about the intensity in the young cook’s light-brown eyes that hooked her in every time. And more… She was gracious, helpful, and a great chef, and yes, if she thought about it, she was hot too! But? ‘There’s nothing to be jealous about,’ she said, though not entirely convincing in her tone, and her body’s response also seeming to counter the words from her mouth.
‘Fuck, it’s hot in here,’ Kate complained.
‘I can try starting the car now,’ Ash said. The wind was dying down and the road ahead more visible.
Kate looked tense and started to blow out hard, staring vacantly. ‘It’s suffocating.’ She was beginning to hyperventilate.
‘Are you okay?’ Ash asked, urgently assessing her. Kate’s eyes lacked focus, and her breathing was fast and shallow. ‘Kate,’ she shouted, grabbing her attention. ‘Breathe with me, slowly. Watch me. In, slowly, out.’ Ash demonstrated; Kate’s stricken gaze fixated on her mouth. ‘Come on, in, and out,’ she repeated until Kate’s breathing was close to normal.
Kate slumped back in the seat, grey, sweating profusely, and breathing deeply. ‘Sorry,’ she said.
‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Ash said, sweeping the damp, red hair from her eyes and thumbing the sweat from her cheeks.
The tenderness in Ash’s touch was comforting, reassuring. ‘Thank you.’
Kate averted her gaze to the front windscreen, unable to bear the intense compassion in Ash’s dark-blue eyes.
‘You’ll get used to it,’ Ash offered with a warm smile. ‘I’d rather have the heat than freezing my arse off in Russia,’ she added, grimacing instantly, regretting mentioning the place.
‘It’s okay Ash. I hated the cold too,’ Kate said.
*
Amena ambled into the garden, wholly engrossed in the large hardback book in her hands. She looked up, spotted Iman on the bench-seat under the shade of the canopy, and slapped the tome shut. She strolled over and sat next to her. ‘Glad that wind has stopped,’ she said, looking towards the clear-blue sky.
Iman looked up but didn’t respond.
‘Is everything okay Immy?’
She nodded, but the truth, revealed in the dullness in her eyes, told a different story.
‘Is it work?’ she asked. ‘You’re too good for that place,’ she added, protective of her older sister.
‘Work’s fine.’ Iman turned to Amena’s bright, dark-brown eyes and her fingers stroked tenderly down the side of her happy face. ‘How was school?’ she asked, deflecting the conversation.
‘It’s not school, it’s University,’ Amena retorted lightly, opening her book and half-studying the page of philosophical words. She rested her hand on the face of the book and looked up. ‘You sure you’re okay?’ She stared straight into Iman’s light-brown gaze. ‘You’re not, are you?’
Suppressed tears were finding their way into Iman’s eyes and starting their journey down her cheeks. Amena inched closer, put an arm around her shoulder, and pulled her close. Iman swatted at the tears that had let her down.
‘I’m fine,’ she said.
‘What’s happened?’ Amena asked.
Iman started to sob.
‘Sshhh… It’s okay; you can talk to me you know.’
Iman shifted to snuffling and tried to speak through the soft wailing sounds that she couldn’t suppress. ‘I’m fine,’ she spluttered.
‘No you’re not. And now I’m worried about you.’ Amena released her sister and stared into the damp, puffy eyes. Something unspoken passed between them, and Amena started nodding, almost imperceptibly. ‘Is it about a girl?’ she asked.
Iman startled and pulled back, her eyes widening, confused, and wanting to lie. ‘It’s…’
‘I know how you feel about girls,’ Amena interrupted. ‘It’s fine with me.’
Iman’s jaw sat open. The tears stopped suddenly, and her mind seemed to be throwing thought after thought at her, too fast for her to process. Her lips moved, but no words came.
Amena grinned. ‘Is she cute?’ she asked. ‘And hot?’
‘Amena!’ Iman exclaimed, her body tensing and her eyes scanning around them.
‘Relax. There’s no one in and anyway, who cares what they all think?’
If only it were that simple. ‘It’s complicated, and not to mention a disgrace,’ Iman reminded her.
‘No it’s not. It’s love. And who are they,’ her arms flung wildly and circled the outs
ide world, ‘to say who you can and cannot love? Who is she?’ she asked, excitedly.
Amena’s passion caused a coy smile to appear among the tears tracing Iman’s face, as she watched her sister’s passionate display. ‘That’s all well and good, but it’s not what most people think. And anyway, it’s Ash. She’s an engineer at the base, and I’m not sure she’s into girls,’ she added. ‘I think she’s with Craig.’
‘I bet she’s into girls,’ Amena retorted with a chuckle. ‘Ask Tarek; he works with her.’
‘I’m not asking him.’ She grabbed her chest. There was no way she could speak to her brother about this. He wouldn’t understand.
‘Ash, eh?’ Amena said, drifting into a fantasy world with a beaming grin.
‘Stop it,’ Iman pleaded.
Amena continued to tease. ‘When can I meet her?’ she asked, suddenly serious.
Iman studied her. ‘How did you know?’ she asked, ignoring the question.
‘I’ve known about you for a long time. You’ve never been into guys, and especially not that, Rifat.’ She made a gagging motion, and Iman slapped her on the arm.
‘Don’t be unkind.’
‘Well, even if you were into guys, you wouldn’t be into him. He’s too dull,’ she continued. ‘You’ve never looked at guys the way you look at women.’
Iman’s hand covered her mouth. ‘Really?’ she asked.
‘Well it’s obvious to me, and now you’ve confirmed it anyway.’ She shrugged, turning her eyes to the pages beneath her hand.
‘What will Mum and Dad say?’
‘Uhh?’ Amena looked up, adjusting to the question. ‘I think Dad knows and I’m sure he’s spoken to Mum too.’
‘What!’
‘You’re twenty-six and have never shown any interest in men. They’re not that blind, and Dad has travelled. He’s not like the others.’
‘Oh my, no.’ Iman jumped to her feet and started pacing the well-manicured lawn in front of the bench, disturbed only by the hissing of water as the sprinklers kicked off and damped down the surrounding flowerbeds. ‘Oh my, no,’ she muttered again.
‘They’re fine Immy. Tarek knows too.’