by Cari Quinn
From the outside, given the brutal, violent game they played for a living, you would never suspect they were just a bunch of big teddy bears. She loved working with them and seeing all their different views on the game.
Sarah unwrapped the box, which was for a mini-fridge. This was no mini-fridge. With trepidation she removed the tape from the top of the box then opened the top. Inside was another box, heavily taped—with hockey tape, of course. She wasn’t surprised they had used hockey tape to wrap her “gift.”
She lifted the smaller box in her hands and glared at it. “Seriously, you guys? What am I supposed to do with this?”
The group doubled over in laughter. One of the equipment guys took pity on her and passed her a pocket knife. Sarah attempted to cut off the tape, which wasn’t easy since they’d used miles of it stuck on every which way. She struggled until Rick got impatient and did it for her, tearing through the tape with reckless abandon.
In time, he got the box open. Sarah leaned in then let out an exasperated sigh when she found yet another, smaller box. She pulled it out and threw a murderous glare to the room at large.
Everyone guffawed harder. The whole thing would’ve annoyed her, but she understood this was their way of telling her they accepted her. The anger was really only for show. Rick was obviously the ring leader, but Rob, who was falling off his chair with laughter, had no doubt helped.
Next to Rob sat Sebastian, stretching his long legs out into the middle aisle and relaxing back in his chair. Sarah had been ignoring him without much success, but was nonetheless happy he was there. He was definitely a person in her corner and she needed everyone she could get. Right now, he was valiantly attempting not to laugh openly, briefly turning away before watching the action again with an obviously amused smile.
He was taking pleasure in watching her sweat. Of course, if the shoe were on the other foot, she probably couldn’t even be as polite as he was, so she had to forgive him.
After removing, with Rick’s assistance, the scads of hockey tape holding the even smaller box closed, she wrenched it open and found a pair of hockey skates. Would she come to regret her casual mention at practice a few days before that she couldn’t skate but would like to learn? She pulled the skates from the box. “Well, I guess there’s no chickening out now, huh? Thanks, guys.”
Jon, who had come in near the end of this little display, regarded the room with a grin she didn’t trust for a second. “Her first practice should be later today, don’t you think, boys?”
“But—”
“No buts. You can skate with the injured players.”
There was really no reason to put it off, and she knew it. She’d been bested. “Fine.”
Jon quieted everybody down and went through the video she and Doug had produced from practice the day before. Sarah settled into her seat, the warm glow from the acceptance by the players not fading even as the video session wore on.
I love my job.
Near the end of training camp, the team went to an Army boot camp. It was a common practice for teams to go to corporate retreat spots, dude ranches, boot camps, whatever management decided would bond the team together. Sarah was excited. She’d never done anything like the boot camp and, despite the hard work it would inevitably be, it sounded pretty cool. And, the day before they left, Sarah and Doug presented their thick binder full of player evaluations to management, so she’d be able to relax and enjoy herself.
Every day, Jon divided the team and off-ice staff into three different groups, explaining he wanted everyone exposed to everyone else during the exercises so they would learn to trust each other. Sarah had considered herself in fairly good shape, but her screaming muscles at the end of each day told her otherwise. She wouldn’t trade the experience for the world, though.
Of course, one day she was put on the same team as Sebastian. She’d known it would happen and had tried to mentally prepare herself for whatever exercises they were given. Despite that, her heart pounded as Jon read what they’d be doing: a “getting to know you” talk and an obstacle course the team had to navigate together.
The obstacle course could prove to be a problem. When they’d done something similar a few days before, she’d had a lot of bodily contact with the guys, who had treated her with kid gloves, besides Jaroslav, who had of course tried to take advantage of them being on the same team. She’d been expecting him to behave like that and was ready with a couple of sharp barbs to deter him.
The last thing Sarah wanted right now was to be in intimate proximity to Sebastian. She was finally being accepted by the team and even by management and she didn’t want to do anything to mess that up. Her team was further divided into three smaller teams and Sarah’s group, consisting of her, Rob, Sebastian, and a Russian player named Nikolai, settled under a tree to complete the first exercise. She was determined not to let being in such close quarters with Sebastian affect her, but knew it wouldn’t be easy.
Rob, who had appointed himself the group leader, opened the folder containing the instructions and questions. “Introductions Game,” he read from the paper inside. “Read each question out loud and go around the group until each person has answered every question. Listen carefully. There will be a quiz later.”
Rob read the first question: “Tell a funny story about something that happened to you.” He paused for a moment and then grinned. “Well, during juniors I threw a big check on a guy and the buckle on my hockey pants broke. They fell down and I tripped over them when I landed. Of course, everybody got a good peek at me in only my jock, which is probably why I had so many dates that season.” He let everyone get a chuckle out of that then motioned to Nikolai, who sat next to him.
“I am eating with teammates before game. I am happy to know English word, so I ask for eggs. Waitress ask me what kind. I am confused. I say ‘eggs’ again and teammates laugh. Waitress laugh.” He grinned and rolled his eyes.
Sarah leaned over and patted him on the shoulder. “Have you gotten over that horrible experience? Do you still eat eggs, or is it too embarrassing for you?”
Nikolai laughed then stuck his tongue out at her. “I eat eggs. I like them very much scrambled.”
Rob pointed at Sarah. “Okay, funny lady, your turn.”
Sarah had her story all ready. “When I was in undergrad I got invited to a Halloween party. This particular party had a theme, and somehow I got my wires crossed. I showed up in pajamas while everybody else was in gangster and flapper costumes. I was teased mercilessly.”
“Please,” Rob said. “Surely something worse than that’s happened to you.”
“Nothing I’m going to tell you about,” she shot back. “Do I look like an idiot?”
Rob snorted. “I call shenanigans.”
“Okay, Kyle.” If anyone was going to be familiar with South Park, it would be this group.
“You watch South Park? My opinion of you just went up about a million times.”
Rob actually appeared to be dumbstruck and Sarah grinned, shaking her head. “Let’s hear what Sebastian has to say.”
“You guys are going to laugh at me too, but that’s okay. I’m a rookie, so I’m used to it.”
She laughed along with Rob and Nikolai at Sebastian’s mock heavy tone.
“One night, I invited a cute girl to watch me play in a game. I was doing moves in warm-ups, trying to impress her, when I tripped over the puck and crashed into the boards. She and her friends all laughed and pointed. My teammates also laughed. My face was bright red. I mean, who trips over a puck? It was horrible. She never talked to me again.”
It was pretty difficult not to at least smile after listening to the story, but Sarah managed not to openly laugh, unlike Rob, who was getting a huge chuckle out of the whole thing.
After motioning for everyone to stop talking, Rob read the next question: “What was leaving home to play hockey like for you? Aww, he’s trying to tug at our heartstrings. Jon is such a sensitive man.”
The rest
of them groaned.
Rob answered the question, then Nikolai, who told them about leaving Russia and moving to the United States. Sarah couldn’t imagine leaving everything she knew and going somewhere she didn’t even speak the language.
“I’ll answer about leaving for college. For me, it was fine. I know a lot of people missed home, but I was happy to get out of there. Not that I hate my family or anything, but there was so much I wanted to experience.”
Sebastian said, “I was lucky. I played juniors about thirty kilometers from where I grew up, so I lived at home. I came to play in Rochester when I was twenty, and that was the first time I left home. I’m the oldest and close to my parents, especially my dad, so that was not easy. But I got busy with hockey and everything got better. The hardest part was learning to do laundry. I hate laundry.”
“I don’t know anyone who likes laundry,” Sarah pointed out.
Everyone laughed.
Rob said, “The last question is ‘What is the thing you fear most?’”
Rob surprised everybody by admitting he was afraid of mice. He explained how when he was little he’d been on a camping trip, sleeping on the floor of a cabin, and a bunch of mice had run over his sleeping bag. He said he screamed and cried and refused to sleep on the floor and that mice still gave him the heebie-jeebies.
Shuddering as he spoke, he said, “And that’s a real fear, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t laugh.”
“We would never laugh at something like that, Rob. We’re your friends,” Sebastian said, and Sarah and Nikolai nodded in agreement.
“I am afraid my parents will never leave Russia. I want them to live with me. I am only back in Russia in the summer, but I see all the bad things. My parents have a hard life, but they love Russia,” Nikolai said.
Sarah couldn’t even fathom what Nikolai was gone through with his parents, but sympathized with him.
It was her turn next. She stared at the ground in front of her to hide the fear. “I’m scared I’m going to be attacked again,” she said, her voice cracking.
The guys gasped.
No doubt they weren’t expecting to hear something like that, but her old therapist had said the best way to get past the attack was to talk about it. For some reason she trusted these guys. They wouldn’t spread the story around or break her confidence. Besides that, the therapist had told her time and time again that being able to talk about the attack with people who cared about her would be a good thing. She hadn’t known these guys long, but she was confident they cared about her, at least a little bit.
A single tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it away. Taking a deep breath, she revisited the past.
Sarah was on top of the world. She’d just finished and submitted her latest research project to the Journal of Applied Mathematics. If the work was chosen, it would be the first time she’d be featured in a major academic publication. She’d been working for eighteen straight hours to get it wrapped up. Some of her schoolmates were going to a bar to celebrate, and though she didn’t drink often and was exhausted to boot, she agreed to accompany them.
As soon as they arrived, a vodka and cranberry juice was thrust in front of her, and since she didn’t like beer, she accepted the drink. It went down easy and her friend and colleague Liam ordered her another.
He was interested in her, but she’d been too focused on work to pursue anything. Maybe now that she was done with her latest project, they could get to know each other better.
A few of the female grad students dragged her onto the dance floor and they danced for a while. It felt so good to let go, to not worry about equations or theorems or the complicated process of journal submissions. After a few songs, Sarah returned to her seat, flushed and sweaty, and the coolness of the drink waiting for her was welcome.
Her stomach grumbled. Earlier, she’d been in too much of a hurry to take the time to get down more than a granola bar. When she asked about food, the bartender said the kitchen had closed for the night. There was no food at her apartment, and the thought of trucking to a grocery store wasn’t appealing, nor was the idea of fast food.
Her stomach rumbled again and she decided she’d better go forage for food elsewhere. Before she did, she went to the bathroom, swaying just a little as she rose from the bar stool.
Upon returning to the table, another drink sat in front of her place. Liam cajoled her into staying a while longer, and before she knew it, she’d downed a third drink as she and Liam and a couple of the other postdoc fellows talked about plans for the summer.
With three drinks and little food in her, she was in no condition to drive, but didn’t want to walk alone. Liam offered to go with her and they said their good-byes.
He walked her home and helped her into her apartment, coming in after her. Within seconds he had her pinned underneath him and was pulling at her clothes. She fought, but between exhaustion and the alcohol, she was no match for him.
Liam ignored her struggle, and when he breached her, everything shut down inside. She stopped fighting. It was no use.
Soon after he finished, she passed out, not coming to until he rolled or flipped her onto her stomach. He was lying on top of her back, pressing her into the couch with his weight. She begged him to stop, but he laughed, telling her she wanted it as badly as he did or she wouldn’t have accepted the drinks at the bar and flirted with him.
After what seemed like forever, he left and she curled into a ball. The panic rose as she tried desperately to squelch the screaming in her head, but it wouldn’t go away. She stayed in that position all night, terrified he would return.
She shuddered violently, only looking up when Nikolai put an arm around her. Sarah sent him a grateful, but sad smile, willing herself not to cry, but she couldn’t stop the shaking and Nikolai pulled her in tighter.
Recounting the entire horrific night had been insanely hard, but she was glad she’d done it. It was the first time she’d told someone other than close friends like Marcy, a fellow postdoc from Cornell, about it, and a brief wave of relief rolled through her.
“I never even turned him in. I know now it wasn’t my fault, but at the time… Plus, he was a respected up-and-coming researcher and the center where I worked was a small place. So in truth, I made two mistakes: letting him get me drunk and then not turning him in after he attacked me.”
It hadn’t been easy to admit her lapse in judgment, but it was obvious the guys were angry and upset on her behalf and she felt closer to them for having taken the leap of faith. Rob shook his head like he couldn’t believe the incident had happened, then swore softly and looked away, his mouth drawn into a tight line. Sebastian’s fists were clenched in his lap and his eyes were shiny, as if he was trying to hold off tears himself. He mouthed, “Are you okay?”
She nodded and was relieved when he let it go. Now that she’d told them the story, she wanted to forget about the ghastly incident. Dwelling on it wouldn’t change what had happened—it wouldn’t do a damn thing to fix or erase that night. She needed to focus on the good things in her life or the attack would define her forever.
After a moment, Sebastian nodded, seemingly to himself, took a deep breath then said, “My friend and teammate in juniors died in a car accident. There was a blizzard, but he was trying to get home to his girlfriend. I still hate driving in snowstorms. It was a bad time for all of us.”
Sarah wanted to reach out to him but knew she couldn’t. If only they’d met under different circumstances. Right now they both needed comfort but couldn’t get it. He seemed to feel the same way, if the furtive glances he kept casting in her direction were any indication.
* * *
Out of sorts from the question-and-answer session, Sebastian went for a walk to get some exercise and blow off steam. When Sarah had started describing that horrible day, he’d had to force himself not to reach for her. His hands had itched to take away the abject fear he’d heard in her voice.
Pain shot through his arms. Once again,
he’d clenched his fists to the point his knuckles were white. He needed to calm down before the obstacle course challenge. She didn’t need to know he wanted to choke that Liam guy until the man turned blue. He’d scare the hell out of her, and the last thing she needed right now was to be scared.
A fierce need to protect her rose in his chest, but at least thinking about holding Sarah in his arms enabled him to think about something other than her being attacked.
The walk relieved some of his tension, and later, the blue team, which he and Sarah were both on, along with a bunch of others, competed against the gold team on the obstacle course. Sarah, an expression of determination on her face, seemed to have recovered from the Introductions Game, and though he still wanted to fold her in his arms and never let go, he squelched the desire. In the middle of the obstacle course was not a good time to get distracted.
Working together, their team won the challenge by a few seconds. As they celebrated, they smashed together in a typical hockey group hug. Sarah, a few inches shorter and fifty pounds lighter than the smallest guy on the team, got jostled in the middle of the scrum. Sebastian grabbed her around the waist and picked her up, molding her body to his to shield her. Panic clear in her eyes, she pushed against his grip, and with no small measure of regret, he lowered her to the ground.
Sebastian squirmed as a rush of adrenaline, which had nothing to do with the obstacle course or needing to guard her and everything to do with the heat of their bodies melding together, surged through him. He was a jerk, getting aroused when she was uncomfortable with him—or probably any man right now, so soon after her confession—touching her, but she had that effect on him. She’d insisted they couldn’t be together, but his feelings were deepening and he didn’t know what to do.
A wave of anxiety stole over him. What if he didn’t even make the team? He might never see her again.