How are we supposed to have a conversation about safe sex with that situation going on? I’ve never wanted to have unsafe sex in my life, until right this very moment. Even when I lost my virginity, he wore a condom, and did for months until he got tested and I got on the pill. And now, I just want to climb on top of him, lower myself on to him, and watch as the shocked look on his face turns to pure pleasure.
As I’m thinking it, he turns his head toward me. He’s so handsome he makes my heart ache, and his eyes are full of mischief. He even wiggles his finger at me. “Come over here, Liv. I have something for you.”
I smile at him, reach down for my silk dress, and pull it off my body.
He smiles back. “I’m disease free, and if you’re not then I guess we’ll both suffer together. As for the other thing, I assume you’re still on birth control, although there’s a sliver of hope in the back of my mind that you aren’t. Or that it will fail. Or maybe I could wish hard enough, and you’ll get pregnant anyway.” He speaks as I walk toward him. And he finishes when my knees straddle his hips. And when I sit up to position myself over him, he moans, “God knows I love you, Liv. And God knows I want the same damn things I’ve wanted every moment for the last fifteen years.” His mouth goes wide as I lower myself onto him. There’s that look of pure bliss I was hoping for. He’s older, and broader, and somehow even more handsome, but his expressions are still the same. I grin at him, and he tries to smile back but he’s too stunned.
When I have him deep inside me, deeper than I thought possible, I tip my head and arch my back. His hands find my hips, then move upward, over my waist, up my ribcage, to caress my breasts.
“I want you Liv. I want to be your husband, and make you pregnant. I want it all. Say you want it too.”
He can’t withhold my orgasm from me this time. This time, I’m in control. I don’t have to answer him to get what I want. I already have it. My hands encounter his flat stomach, and I hold on tight as I begin to rock my hips.
“Say it, Liv,” he groans. I lift myself up slowly, then push back down. He gasps loudly. “Say it.”
I don’t say what he wants me to, but I do say what I’m feeling. “I love you, Lex.”
He slowly, methodically, brings us both to orgasm, and he kisses me the entire time. After the incredible shared climax, he rolls over onto his side. He plays with my hair, pushing it away from my sweat covered forehead, while he stares deep into my eyes with all the emotions he’s feeling. He loves me, and I love him too. As I snuggle into his body, I have to hope that’s enough for him for now. I close my eyes, and he kisses my forehead.
Chapter Sixteen
May 22, 2016
I awake with a start. I’m snuggled up against a rock hard body, and a heavy arm is wrapped around my waist. I know where I am. I know why I’m here. And I don’t ever want to leave.
“Ummmm, good morning my love. Are you ready to fly to Las Vegas?” he asks, as he rubs his naked body up against mine.
Just when I thought I could get comfortable with him, and enjoy being with him, this happens.
Why!
It was hard enough for me to say I love him. I don’t even really know him. I love what we used to have. I love who he used to be. But he might be a total jerk now. He might be a complete asshole. He might yell at waiters. He could be mean to his female employees. Or he could pressure me too hard to marry him.
“Shouldn’t we go out on a date first? What if you’re rude to the wait staff? What if you don’t open the door for me? I could never forgive myself if I married a rich douche bag.” I try to keep my tone light, but I am totally serious.
“Well,” he begins, as he places his warm hand on my hip. Then he kisses my hair, and exclaims, “Yuck! How many bottles of hairspray did you use?”
I scoff, because I know he’s trying to be funny. But I’m not in the mood for funny.
“Lex,” I groan, and roll over to face him.
He’s grinning like a fool. His cheekbones are way too high, and his eyes are much too green. “I’m the same man I was fifteen years ago, Liv. You know me. Anyway, I’m Prince Charming, haven’t you heard? That’s not because I’m a douche.” He pushes a strand of hair over my ear, then acts like his fingers get stuck. “God I hate hairspray.”
I fight a smile when he brings up his nickname. “You’re not the same man, Lex. I’m not the same naïve girl I was when you met me. There’s a fifteen year gap between who I was and who I am. And in that fifteen years, we’ve loved, and we’ve hated, and we’ve hurt, and we’ve lived. I need to get to know you, Alexander Astor.” I grin hopefully, and kiss the cleft in his chin that makes him look like a rock star.
“I still like pepperoni pizza. Italian is still my favorite food. And I still love waffles.” He arches his eyebrows as he says it.
I shake my head at him. “You’re lying, Lex. You haven’t eaten a carb in fifteen years.”
“Yes,” he says, but he looks away. “Yes I have.”
I laugh, and rub my hands over his body, which doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it. “All of this says otherwise.”
“Maybe I just missed you a lot,” he counters, before his eyes find mine again.
“Or maybe you’ve eaten nothing but fish and protein shakes. I’m a doctor. I know what I’m looking at.”
“You’re not looking at it,” he murmurs, before he sucks his full bottom lip between his teeth.
I think he’s ready for round three. I’m not sure I have the stamina for that. But his body is built on stamina, grilled chicken, and sheer willpower. I need to start going to the gym again if I’m going to keep up with him.
“Before we head to Las Vegas, why don’t we go to that diner across town, that sold the breakfast plate we used to share. You look like you haven’t eaten in a while.” I pinch at his non-existent love handles, and he giggles.
“So that means we’re getting married after breakfast?” he asks. His tone is serious, but he glances away momentarily. I’d forgotten what a terrible liar he is.
“A long time after breakfast,” I reply. Or maybe not at all.
“Did you bring an outfit in that purse of yours? Because I don’t think you should go to the diner in that dress you wore last night. It’s very flimsy for the weather. And, I might have torn it.” He looks almost sorry when he says it. But then his eyes give him away, and his eyebrows arch, and he can’t hold in his laughter.
“What is it with you and ripping my clothes,” I groan.
“If you didn’t wear any, I wouldn’t have to.” There’s that smug look I like so much.
“How in the hell am I supposed to go out for breakfast?” I fake complain. His eyes wander toward the closet. “Please don’t say you bought me clothes, and you didn’t buy me aspirins, with three bottles of champagne and vodka?”
“I didn’t buy you clothes,” he says. But his eyes are again on the closet.
“Lex,” I demand.
“My assistant bought you clothes. They’re all size medium though, so if they don’t fit blame her.” He shrugs as he says it. But then he kisses my forehead gently, and I’m mad and consoled at the same time.
“Do you have soap and towels?” I wonder aloud.
“In the shower, and in the cabinet.” He rolls over onto his back, and stretches his marvelous body.
I can’t help but look, after he’d accused me of not looking. “How long were you planning on keeping me here?” My fingers trace over his eight pack abs, and his oblique muscles. Damn, that is so hot. I don’t remember his being so pronounced when he was younger.
“If you keep playing around down there, we are going to have sex before we leave this bed again,” he threatens.
I look up at him, and lick my top lip as I rub a circle around his belly button. “Prove it.”
“Oh, baby. I am going to have so much damn fun proving to you exactly how much I want you.” His beautiful, mischievous eyes go wide as he says it, and he moves his big body to roll me over onto my back.
I gasp, and try to fake shock. His hands begin to roam over my body. I don’t think he’s playing a game this time though. He knows exactly where to touch my body, and the right pressure to exert. He ignores my nipples, and gently brushes around the outline of my breasts down to my ribcage and over my hip. How does he remember my body so well? I’m a moaning and shivering pile of nerve endings, exposed and aching for his touch.
I am his. I have been since the moment I met him in that library. And as he slides into my body, he whispers, “I love you. You’re mine, Liv, and no one is ever going to touch you again.”
I feel his stomach against mine, and I raise my hips up to allow him in deeper. My hands reach out for his skin. I breathe in deeply, smelling the sweat and scent of him and our lovemaking.
“I love you too, Lex,” I answer him, as I feel myself approaching that edge. I’m home. It took me fifteen years to find it again, but I finally made it. Alexander Astor is my home. I am where I was supposed to be all along.
I cry out as he brings me to another Earth shaking orgasm. And I cry out his name. “Lex!”
“Liv,” he groans, as he finds his own climax. We come together, just like we always have.
Chapter Seventeen
May 23, 2016
I can’t hide my smile as I stride into the hospital. Why would I want to? People turn and stare. Colleagues look stunned, as does the barista at the coffee shop.
Saturday night was a breakthrough. It was almost like surgery. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until I had it. Now I can heal and move on. With Lex. Telling him the truth about why I left him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He made it easier with lots of expensive champagne, but it was still difficult. But afterward… After I told him, we were magic again.
I was in heaven in Charlottesville, all over again. I dressed in the maxi-skirt and shirt that his assistant bought for me, in varying shades of blue. He even bought underwear, but he had one of my bras for days so I guess he got my size that way. We went for a late breakfast, and then we went to a movie. We laughed, and chatted, and smiled a lot, just like we used to. And he kissed me often. He left so many kisses on the top of my head, while he was holding my right hand. I gazed into his sparkling green eyes, his handsome smiling face, and fifteen years melted away, as if they never really happened.
I left Lex asleep in my bed. For all of his muscles and stamina, after the sixth time we made love in two days, he was a little tired. And I’m a little sore. But it’s a good sore. It reminds me that I’m his. That he owns me. Just like he did when we were young. He left strategically placed love bites all over my body too. I know why he did it. I don’t mind. That part of my life is over. I’m done with random one night stands, and meaningless sex. I have Lex again. And he has me.
I giggle as I unlock the door and walk into my office. I have Lex Astor. He is mine. I have Lex Astor wrapped around my finger. I didn’t see it when we were younger. I only thought about school, and work, and how much I loved him. I thought of his rich parents and his high powered future job. I thought of the society that he lived in, and how I didn’t fit in. I didn’t see the truth. He loves me that much too.
How could I have been so blind? How could I have walked out and hurt him so badly? I will spend the rest of my life apologizing to him.
I pull out my phone, and send him a text. I’m sorry I left you like that. And then I enter my office, and begin my day. I know he’s tired. I know he’s probably still asleep. And I have to see a patient in five minutes.
When I’m finished with my patient, I check my phone. It’s alright, baby. Your fridge is stocked, your shower is awesome, and your exercise machine is okay. I’ll see you later.
I smile as I make my rounds. Ella is surprised, but Ryan isn’t. He was there Saturday night. He saw what happened. And even though he tries to get under my skin with his sarcastic barbs, he can’t. Not today. I’m bullet proof. I’m dating Lex. I’m probably going to marry Lex. Nothing is going to get me down!
So when Ella buzzes me at fifteen minutes before noon to tell me my lunch date has arrived, I pull out my compact and check my makeup. My cheeks are rosy pink, my lips are still red from his kisses, and my eyes are sparkling. This is what love looks like. I smear on some clear lip gloss, and place my purse over my shoulder. I’m going to lunch with Lex.
But when I enter the reception area, I find Freddie Portland waiting on me. He looks great in a navy blue three piece suit that nearly matches his eyes perfectly. But he’s not who I was expecting.
My smile fades a little as I say, “Hello Freddie, I thought you were going back to England.”
“I couldn’t leave without you.” His sapphire eyes glitter. I know he truly believes that he wants me, but he really doesn’t even know me. Not like Lex does.
I sigh loudly, and shake my head. “What are you doing here now?”
“I popped in to see how your date went with Astor. But the evidence is written all over your face. You’re glowing.” I try to tamp it down, but it’s just not going to happen. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. “I guess you’d rather be a princess in Manhattan, than a duchess in England.”
“Freddie, I can’t say I didn’t enjoy my time with you. I came closer with you than anyone else. I could have…” I’ve said enough. There’s no reason to discuss what might have been. I have what I want, what I’ve wanted for years.
But apparently that was enough to give him hope. His dark blue eyes grow wide, as he exclaims, “I love you, Olivia! Come away to England, and everything I have, my land, my titles, my homes, will be yours!”
He sweeps in, and wraps his arms around me. I tip my head back to look at him. “Oh, Freddie,” I begin. But before I can answer, he’s kissing me. I place my hands on his chest, to push him away, but he takes it as compliance, and deepens the kiss. I’m a little surprised for a moment. I push, and he holds me closer. Finally, after several moments, I push hard enough to get him to understand I don’t want to kiss him.
“No, Freddie! I’m in love with Lex!” I yell, as I step away from him. “I can’t see you again!”
He looks stunned for a moment, but he quickly composes himself. He’s English, after all. “I understand. I’m flying back home today. If you change your mind…” He gives me a slight bow from his shoulders, and exits my office. I turn and watch him leave.
There’s something green on the floor, which looks like a leaf, that I didn’t notice when I walked in this morning. But I didn’t notice anything, really, I was too busy thinking about Lex. “Ella, could you clean up whatever is by the door?” I ask, after I’ve returned to my office to wait for Lex.
*****
I didn’t notice the time. I’ve been too filled with my daydreams of Lex to look at my watch. So when Ella buzzes me, I expect her to say Lex has arrived.
“It’s one thirty, Dr. Bell. Are you doing your afternoon rounds?” she asks.
I glance down at my phone. No missed calls or texts from Lex. I frown slightly. I wonder if he’s okay. So I send him a text before I head out to do my rounds. Is everything alright?
When I return, there’s no answer waiting for me. I check my phone again after my two thirty appointment leaves, and still no answer. I check again when my three thirty appointment leaves, and after I’ve visited a patient in the ER.
At five thirty when I’m ready to leave, and I’m starving, I send him a text. How about dinner?
At ten o’clock, as I’m having my third glass of wine and I’m taking an over the counter sleeping pill, I realize he’s not going to answer. He spent ten million dollars to get what he wanted. He got the truth about why I left. He got to fuck me and get me out of his system. And now he’s done. I should have known he’d never truly forgive me. I should have never, ever opened my heart to him again. His mother was right all along. We’ll never be together. Never.
Chapter Eighteen
May 26, 2002
“You gonna keep staring at that phone?” Mir
a asks, when she returns to the dorm. I should have looked for an apartment. But I was depressed, and the dorms were easier. Maybe I’ll start looking before the next semester.
I should get the most expensive apartment I can find. After all, Vivienne Astor is footing the bill. She didn’t put a dollar limit on my services. I should make her pay out the ass for it.
“He’s not gonna call,” she continues, as she begins to fold her laundry.
“Who?” I ask, as I place the phone on my desk, and pick up a book. I should be studying for finals. That’s why I’m here, to become a doctor.
“The guy you’ve been pining for for over a year. He’s moved on already, Liv.”
“Don’t call me Liv,” I remind her.
She scoffs loudly. “You should move on too. You’re gorgeous, and young, and you should be enjoying it. Instead you’ve got your nose in a book, or you’re missing whoever it is you left behind in Virginia.” She’s not wrong. Lex has probably moved on. He’s hot, he’s athletic, and he’s rich. He’s everything that attracts women. He’s not going to be single for long.
“Nah, I want to be a doctor more than I want to party. Maybe when I’m finished with med school I’ll party,” I answer her.
“If I finish med school, I’ll buy your first bottle of champagne,” she says hopefully.
If I finish med school, and don’t run groveling back to Lex. As if he would have me now. He doesn’t need me. He probably doesn’t even want me. He’s probably out partying every night with a different girl.
Lex Astor wasn’t a dream come true. He was nothing more than a fantasy.
I twist the diamond ring he gave me around on my finger. Why do I even still wear it?
May 26, 2016
I stumble into the front doors of the hospital, wearing my sunglasses to hide another hangover. Why am I even here? Four years of medical school, for what? I’m a doctor. Woo fucking hoo! I can’t save my mom. I can’t save my dad. Being a doctor is meaningless. The charities I patronize, the career I chose, were all out of some misguided desire to save people, because I couldn’t save my parents.
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