“There’s nothing to be happy about. It’s just casual with Blade Saw. I mean, I like him. If it weren’t for Tag, I’d think about something more serious with him. He’s fun, he’s got an amazing body, he’s hot in bed, he’s a wicked fighter¸ and he’s…nice.”
“Nice?”
Jess shrugs. “He does nice things. He shows up at my office with a packed lunch. He picks me up from parties if it’s dark, no questions asked. He’ll lie for hours with me in the park while I work on my tan, pick up my dry cleaning, make me dinner if I’m tired, and rub my feet. He’ll even walk my dog if I have to work late.”
“He sounds like someone’s dad.”
She gives me an affronted stare. “Well, he doesn’t talk like someone’s dad. His language is a little crude. Hooters and tits aren’t my favorite words to describe my breasts, and I prefer big to humongous.” Her lips twist to the side. “I especially don’t like juicy or cu—”
“I get it. I don’t need to hear it.”
With a dramatic sigh, she throws herself back on the cushions—blue to match the carpet and drapes, and yellow to match the dining table that I forced Tag to carry home from a nearby flea market.
“I can’t get serious with Blade Saw if there is even the smallest chance Tag is interested. And I think there is. Don’t you think so? Did you see his face last night when he saw Blade Saw’s arm around me? And the way he interrupted Rampage to find out what was going on? If that wasn’t interest, what was it?”
“Friendship.” I stretch out on the couch, basking in the late-afternoon sun. This is the closest I’ve come to relaxing since Ray dropped me at home after our encounter in the machine shop last night.
“Either way, I’m screwed.” With an exaggerated sigh, she flings herself back on a couch that’s a twin to the one I’m on. “They train in the same gym. How awkward would that be if I dumped one for the other?”
I twist my ring around my finger. “About as awkward as me having to see Ray at the gym after what happened last night.”
Jess, of course, knows everything. Five minutes after Ray dropped me at home, I was on the phone to her.
“I need the potato chips.” She reaches out her hand, and I lean over and hand her the bag.
“Chips don’t make for a healthy lunch.”
She stuffs a chip in her mouth and glares. “Look who’s talking. You had them for breakfast and lunch.”
“I’m depressed.”
Jess snorts. “I thought you said it was the best, most mind-blowing sex of your life.”
Hugging a pillow, I frown. “It was also the most terrifying. I felt totally out of control. It was like my body was chugging full-steam ahead and my brain was trying to catch up. Everything he said and did, the way he talked and touched me…it turned me on so much, I couldn’t think. I was like a puppet. He said turn, I turned. He said spread ’em, and I spread. And afterward, I felt so anxious and empty inside. With Charlie and James, I felt closer to them after we had sex, even though I never came. With Ray, I came so hard I screamed, but I felt something was missing…me.”
Jess crunches a chip. “You probably needed to ease into it, since it had been so long…soft lights, warm bed, a little music, lots of cuddle time, but unfortunately, you decided to dive in the deep end, lose your piercing virginity, and have sex in a freezing cold ex–machine shop with a fighter after a fight who warned you he would be rough, without telling him about your past. Does that about sum it up?”
She grabs a Twizzler and sticks it into her cooler, using it as a straw. Curious, I do the same and my tongue burns at the burst of sugary sweetness.
“He doesn’t need to know about my past. I’m over it. I’m ready to have a normal relationship, but not with him.”
“Seriously,” she continues as if I hadn’t spoken, “the entire thing sounds so hot that I wanted to combust while you were telling me about it. He’s not Charlie or James, falling over themselves to make sure they don’t hurt you or flip your triggers. Guys like Ray only hold back so much. They named him the Predator for a reason. He’s like a wild animal. You’ve seen him in the ring. You only think you’ve tamed him, but show him a piece of raw meat, and instinct will override rational thought. You want a foot rub and a bubble bath, find a man like Charlie. You want someone to spank your ass raw and make you come so hard you scream, Ray’s your man.”
The sugar burn fades and I take another sip. “Nice. I feel so much better thinking I’m like a piece of raw meat to him. And he didn’t spank me.”
“I meant it as a compliment. And the spanking will come. Guys like him love to spank. It’s the ultimate dominant trait. Marks you in the most primal way.” She shoves a handful of chips in her mouth, forcing me to wait through her crunches for her more experienced insight.
I roll my eyes and grab the chip bag. “I hardly think having sex with him once means I’m marked as his. It was just sex. Raw sex. No emotions involved. It’s exactly what I need. I’m not capable of sustaining an intimate relationship. I have trust issues because of what happened. I learned that with Charlie and James.”
“They weren’t right for you,” she says softly. “That’s why you couldn’t have an intimate relationship. It has nothing to do with Luke. And not only that, you weren’t honest with them. You pretended to come. You pretended to love them. Then you pushed them away. You never even gave them a chance.”
“Since when did you become an amateur psychologist?”
Her cheeks brighten. “Blade Saw is taking psych at night school. He tells me lots of stuff.”
“And did he mark you in a primal way?” Sarcasm imbues my tone, but Jess doesn’t seem to mind.
“Blade Saw isn’t like that. He’s not an alpha fighter. He’s a beta. He enjoys fighting, but he likes the social aspect too. So yeah, we have sex, but he’s not going to pound on anyone who looks at me the wrong way, or attack someone if he found out I was cheating on him. He would be more like, ‘well if he’s what you want. I’m just glad you’re happy.’”
“I can’t see Ray chilling over something like that.”
“Definitely not.” She lifts an eyebrow. “I’m surprised he hasn’t called you already. Alpha males are very possessive once they’ve marked their territory. He’ll want to know you’re still his.”
I groan and drop back on the couch. “He did call. I just didn’t answer.”
“You should call him back.” She grabs a napkin from the table and dabs her lips. “Invite him over to see your vast collection of sex toys. That should smooth things over.”
“I don’t want to call him. What if I’ve made another mistake? What if that was my subconscious saying, ‘You fucked up again and trusted the wrong guy’? That dark feeling was a warning. Some part of me is trying to save me from myself.”
“Is that how you really feel?” She tilts her head to the side, her eyes questioning.
“No.” I wrap my arms around myself and meet her gaze. “It was utterly the most exciting and thrilling experience I’ve ever had. It was like he plucked my fantasies out of my head. Not only that, but he said he had no limits. It almost sent me over the edge. Imagine. He would make my deepest, darkest fantasies come true. All I have to do is ask.”
Jess swings her legs off the couch and checks her watch. “I think you’re just scared. You went from having nice, gentle sex with guys who only knew one position and were too afraid to try anything else because of what happened to you, to going full throttle with a man who is clearly vastly more experienced, very dominant, and drips sex appeal. You should have brought him home, where you feel safe. Told him what happened to you. Given yourself enough time for a post-sex cuddle.”
“I’m not going to tell him.” My chest tightens and I crumple the empty chip bag in my fist. “I’m not telling anyone ever again. That’s over. Done. I’m going to be normal if it kills me.”
My phone buzzes, and I fumble around until I find it on the kitchen island, then check the text messages.
; “Who is it?”
“Rampage.” My lips quiver when I read the text. “He’s at Redemption. He says the Predator’s there. He’s all chuffed that the Predator had him track me down because he feels like the go-to man at Redemption. He said the Predator threatened to bounce him around the ring if he didn’t find me and make sure I was okay because I wasn’t answering my phone.”
Jess stretches out on the couch again and crosses her legs. “Isn’t Rampage a super heavyweight? Why would he even be worried about the Predator’s threats? He could probably just sit on him to quiet him down.”
“He’s the Predator. You’ve seen him fight. Rampage wouldn’t stand a chance. He’s big but he’s slow.”
My phone buzzes again. Rampage says now that he knows I’m okay, everyone is heading over to Renegade and Amanda’s place for a party. Since I have the day off, I should come and bring Jess too.
Jess and I debate the merits of going to the party. She wants to see Tag. No, she doesn’t want to see Tag. She wants to see Blade Saw. No, she doesn’t want to see Blade Saw because now she’s thinking of breaking up with him for Tag. But what if Tag doesn’t really want her? She’ll have no one. Or worse, what if they both want her and get into a fight? She licks her lips. That would be pretty awesome to watch. Okay, she’ll come.
But I’m not sure if I’m going. What if Doctor Death is there? What if Ray is there? How will I explain why I just left him with a quick “good night” out on the street after he dropped me off? And what will I say when he asks why I didn’t answer his calls? And what if he wants to talk about last night? What will I say? Normal people don’t have an emotional crisis after hot sex. Normal people don’t suddenly worry they’ve misplaced their trust.
Jess drags me into my bedroom and paws through my neatly organized closet. What if, she says, he’s not the kind of guy to push? What if he just smiles and says hi and offers me a cooler, and we chill at the party and have a good time?
* * *
Two hours later, Jess and I are drinking coolers in the backyard of Renegade and Amanda’s house. Renegade is manning the barbecue. Makayla and Amanda are chatting with Hammer Fist, and Torment is glowering by the fence, no doubt keeping the nonexistent predators away from his woman. Rampage has gathered a group of newbie fighters around him to share stories about Redemption when it was a gritty, underground fight club, and deliciously dark and ripped Obsidian is trying to out arm lift Shayla on a tree branch.
“See? We had nothing to worry about.” Jess clinks bottles with me. “No Tag. No Blade Saw. No Doctor Death. No Predator. Although it’s kind of a waste that we’re all dressed up and the men who would appreciate us aren’t around to…well, appreciate us. Maybe we shouldn’t have worn skirts and heels.”
“Jinx.”
Jess widens her eyes. “Who’s here?”
“Blade Saw. He’s spotted you and he’s smiling a humongous smile.”
Jess glares and turns away. “If you need me, I’ll be hiding in the crowd with Rampage’s minions.”
“Hey, kitten.” Obsidian gives me a warm smile when I join him by the oak tree. Shayla is in the middle of a set of pull-ups, her ripped body glistening with sweat, yet she still manages to nod a greeting.
“So who’s winning?” I sip my cooler and Obsidian lifts an eyebrow.
“Me.”
“Not. For. Much. Fucking. Longer.” Shayla grunts out each word as her body moves smoothly up and down, her elbows operating like well-oiled hinges.
“You want to go next?” Obsidian squeezes my bicep between his thumb and forefinger. “Looks like you’ve got a bit of strength and she’s already slowing down.”
Shayla spits out a curse and increases her pace.
“I don’t think I could even do one. Plus I’m wearing a skirt and heels. Not optimal attire for pull-ups.”
“Hand.” The barked command from across the yard startles Obsidian. He jerks back, ripping his hand off my arm so quickly he loses his balance and steps back into Shayla, knocking her off the tree. Shayla is on her feet in two seconds and battering at Obsidian in three.
“You did that on purpose. I was almost at one hundred. You knew I would win.”
Someone yells fight. Someone else cheers. I am almost crushed in the stampede of excited fighters, saved only by a firm arm around my waist and an even firmer body protecting me from the excited horde.
“That was you?” I look up as Ray leads me to the safety of the patio. “You yelled ‘hand’?”
“He had his hand on you,” Ray says, unsmiling.
“He was just joking around.” I wave at the crowd, now three deep around the tree. “Look what you did.”
Ray scowls in Obsidian’s direction. “He knows better. Would have dealt with him, but Shayla beat me to it.”
And she is doing a good job too. Obsidian is already on the grass and Shayla is trying to twist him into a painful submission while everyone shouts encouragement.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I lean against the low, stone retaining wall. “I think it was a little OTT. I mean, it’s not like we’re…you know…together.” I suck in my lips and look away.
“We were together last night.” Ray lifts me and settles me on top of the wall, then eases himself between my legs. “If that didn’t work for you, let me know.”
Didn’t work for me? What the heck is he talking about? Does he think I faked those orgasms? Or that I wanted him to go farther? Does he want an assessment of his A+ performance?
“I don’t understand.”
He steps closer, easing my legs apart and my skirt rides up, almost indecently, baring my secret for him alone.
“Neither do I,” he says. “I never lose control. Never come on that strong unless I know it’s something that gets you off. But when I told you to do something, you did it. No games. No pretense. It was like you wanted to do it. And it turned you on. Sent me over the edge and I went too far.”
His words do strange fluttery things to my stomach. But he must be wrong. Sure I was turned on, but it was because of him and not because he bossed me around. The guys I’ve been dating would never dream of telling me what to do in bed. I don’t allow myself to be that vulnerable. No one tells me what to do. No one sees beneath the surface.
“Look at me.”
My head jerks up at his sharp tone and his eyes smolder as he cups my jaw. “There it is. That’s why I can’t stay away.”
“I’m sorry about last night.” I trace along his corded forearm, his hair soft beneath my fingers. “It wasn’t you. It’s me. And for me…it was—”
“Too much,” he interjects softly. “Like breaking a butterfly’s wing.”
“I didn’t break. I just”—a smile teases the corner of my mouth—“flew away.” I lean into the warmth of his palm and he strokes down my hair.
“Come back to me, butterfly.” He loops his arm around me and kisses me. Soft and warm, his tongue slides between my lips to caress the inside of my mouth. My lower body turns liquid and I am grateful for the seat.
Ray pulls away and trails his fingers up my inner thigh. “So fucking sexy in this skirt. Those shoes. Man sees someone else touching his woman when she’s dressed so fine and it’s hard to stay in control.”
Blood rushes through my ears, drowning out the faint warning in the back of my mind that I am not someone capable of the trust needed to sustain any but the most fleeting of relationships. This is supposed to be light. Fun. The fulfillment of a fantasy. Nothing more.
Giving in to the rush of desire, I glide my tongue over the seam of his lips. He tastes fresh and minty, and a little of me. Our kiss is sweet and gentle. A touching of tongues. A murmur of lips. I close my eyes and drown in the softness of his smile.
“Hell.”
My eyes snap open at Tag’s irritated bark. Moments later he appears in front of me, his face a remarkable shade of purple, muscles quivering like he wants to punch someone. Likely Ray, who has already turned around, angling his body to form a shield bet
ween me and Tag.
“Get your hands off my fucking sister.”
Ray doesn’t move. “Nothin’ to do with you, Fuzz. Back off.”
“Tag, please.” I glance around the yard and catch sight of Jess pushing her way through the crowd toward us. Fight groupies can always sense a fight.
“He’s not safe.” Tag’s voice rises and a few people look over from the fight. “Not good for you. Why the fuck won’t you listen?”
“I want to be here. With him.” I look up at Ray, his jaw taut, and then over at Tag. “And it’s not like you don’t know him, Tag. He’s your teammate.”
“Thought you’d learned your lesson that just because I’m on a team with someone doesn’t mean you can trust them.” The bitterness in his voice slices through my heart, but his words make me gasp. Tag has never once been anything but sensitive about what happened to me. He’s never used it against me in any way. The fact that he would do so now, and in public, takes my breath away. My mouth opens and closes, but in my shock I have nothing to say.
Lucky for me, Jess does.
“Tag O’Donnell.” She shoves him in the chest, pushing him off balance. “I cannot believe you just said that. What the hell is wrong with you? What were you thinking? How could you bring that up?” She looks over at me and the sympathy and concern on her face tip me from barely in control to undone. Emotion wells up in my throat, and I push Ray away and slide off the wall.
“It’s okay.” My voice wavers. “I’m good. It’s fine.”
But it’s not fine. I can’t breathe. Can’t talk. Can’t think. Just have to get out of here.
Brushing past Ray, I walk into the house. Behind me, I can hear Jess shriek. “Look what you did to her. What kind of brother are you? She’s the strongest person I know. She worked so hard to get over it, and now you take it and use it against her?”
Her shoes tap on the stone tiles, and then clatter across the linoleum floor, the sound slowing only when she spots me in the kitchen.
“You didn’t have to do that.” Curiously numb, I lean against the counter, my arms wrapped around my body. “I’m fine, really. I was just shocked he would bring it up, so I overreacted.”
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