by Fiona Keane
The buzz of my intercom tore me from the warmth of my shower. I tied my fleece robe around me and pulled my dripping hair into a bun as I stepped out of the bathroom to silence the intruder.
“Yes?” I asked, pressing my index finger to the speaker. The crackle made Ella’s voice almost inaudible. My heart sank ever so slightly, hoping it would have been someone else.
“It’s Ella.” She was too cheerful for this early. “Can I come up? I have bagels.” I buzzed her in and unlocked my apartment door. I could hear the floor creak with her steps as I returned to the bathroom to dry my hair.
“Good morning,” she sang as she entered, placing her bagels on the small table near my bed. “Lizzie was still asleep when I woke up, so I figured I may as well get a start on the day. How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” I eyed her suspiciously from the sink in my bathroom. Ella pulled one of the dining chairs from beneath the wobbly wooden table and sat down, waiting for me as her fingers tapped along her bottom lip.
“Do you want blueberry or whole grain?”
“Whole grain. Please.” I stepped into my closet, quickly dressed in leggings and an oversized sweatshirt, then sat across from her at the small table. She began slicing the bagels and spreading blackberry preserves. She knows me so well.
“I got nervous when you weren’t on the couch this morning.” She continued with the preserves, not looking at me. “I went to the living room to toss out one of the cats and you were gone.”
“Oh.” I nodded. “I just came home.”
“That was at two.”
“I walked.”
“With whom?” She knows me too well. I reached for the bagel in her hand, the overloaded preserves oozing out, but she refused to release it to me. I looked up at her, an inquisitive sparkle in her eyes.
“What?”
“That’s a creepy walk alone at two in the morning. It’s full of drunks. Who took you home?”
I sighed, feeling defeated because I couldn’t kick out Ella, and I knew her persistence wouldn’t cease. “I ran into Kelly and Sean by State Street,” I partially lied. “They were heading this way, so I walked with them. It was not fun. I fell asleep, alone, and now you’re here.”
She eyed me expectantly, as if she anticipated a juicier rendition of the wee hours of the morning. “Oh.” She shrugged. “Okay then. Sean’s back?”
“He’s back.”
We ate our bagels, sharing a mutual disdain for Kelly, and Ella began spilling the details of her upcoming trip to New York with Jesse. He tried to keep the destination a surprise, but it was futile. Ella knew they were going, and for just the weekend, but she didn’t know how many outfits to pack, and that was why Jesse had to divulge the details of their destination.
“We’ll have to skip dinner on Sunday,” she concluded, “which is a huge bummer. Unless you and Lizzie want to just eat with Sean and Kelly. Eww.”
“I don’t know what their plans are.” Even though I fabricated the detail of Kelly joining us this morning, I didn’t want to think of their plans.
Ella restyled her ponytail, biting her hairband as she attempted to continue speaking. My phone buzzed from the window behind my bed, and I stepped away to get it, producing monosyllabic sounds to assure Ella I was paying attention to her. I searched my recent text messages, eagerly hoping this morning wasn’t all a dream. Just the nightmare part about Sean being sick. Crap. I know he’s sick, and I’m not supposed to tell Ella. How am I supposed to carry this secret?
Sean: My brain and I thank you for the ibuprofen.
Sean: I want to see you.
Maybe seeing each other and talking would be helpful, or maybe it would be a sobfest that I wasn’t ready to handle because I couldn’t yet wrap my mind around Sean being home…and being sick.
Chapter Seven
WINTER
I tapped my toes on the step outside of Lizzie’s condo, waiting for her to answer the buzzer. Despite wearing my bulbous down jacket, I was still shivering as I hung in limbo. She was probably ignoring me because I was five minutes late. Well, sorry about my job and the late bus and…never mind, just let me in!
“Hi.” Sean’s shy greeting alerted me to his presence on the sidewalk. It had been seven days since he kissed me. Were we going to talk about this? Was I the only one who knew what we discussed?
I whizzed around. “You scared me.”
His lips parted into a gentle, apologetic smile. Sean climbed the steps to be at my side, and I immediately felt warmer; the tinge of ice in the air disappeared. He lifted his index finger to the intercom and held it down, a mischievous grin plastered on his perfect face. “She can’t ignore us now.”
“She can turn it off from her receiver,” I pouted, laughing at his menace.
The door unlocked, and we mounted the stairs to Lizzie’s second floor unit. The air inside of her foyer hung with the delicious aroma of freshly baked cookies. I almost fell on top of Sean while we both struggled to remove our wet shoes in the small space. I hoped he didn’t catch the blush spread on my cheeks, as I needed to use his arm for support several times. Just keep your head down. Ella’s squeal broke our attention. She ran toward us, nearly tripping on the pile of Lizzie’s shoes by the doorway.
“Jesse proposed!” Ella bounced as if on a spring, wrapping her arms around Sean and me, pulling us intimately close. He flashed a smile at me, lifting his eyebrows playfully. The sweet aroma of cinnamon and vanilla welcomed us further into Lizzie’s condo. She was nowhere to be found when I stepped into the living room, leaving Sean and Ella in the foyer. Jesse greeted me with a proud, glowing smile. I hugged him tightly, the anchor of his embrace comforting and missed.
“What do you want to drink?” Jesse scrunched in front of the antique cabinet Lizzie used to house her fancy drinks. It was a wooden chamber, three shelves high, meant to secure her precious top-shelf finds, but Jesse and I already made our way to it. Ella bounced into the room, tripping over my extended feet as she stared at her left hand.
“Vodka. No rocks, no glass.” I rolled my neck back and exhaled. “Just the bottle.”
“Good girl,” he teased, handing me a bottle of Irish liqueur instead, smiling when Ella fumbled over my feet. “Hey, you.” The smile spreading Jesse’s face melted my heart. His eyes sparkled like the lights on a Christmas tree, full of enthusiasm, wonder, and hope. Ella, stroking my shin in an apology, fell into Jesse’s arms.
“No glass,” I mumbled, laughing, as I opened the bottle Jesse handed to me. Ella was dressed in a gray wool shift dress that rested just at her knees, above light gray stockings. Her outfit looked peculiarly familiar, as if it had once hung in my closet and I forgot to ask for its return.
“Avery, I want to talk to you about this,” Ella cooed. “I want you and Lizzie to stand with me. We’re going to have a huge wedding, and you need to be there.”
“There is nowhere I’d rather be.”
***
My appetite depleted while next to Sean at the dinner table, avoiding the temptation to look at him or refusing the desire to touch him. Ella and Jesse cooked this time. A bounty of plates centered before us, covered in roast beef, potatoes, and a salad, all to be devoured before the delicious cake Ella baked freshly for the occasion. I probably ate one potato and two pieces of the scrumptious roast beef by the time our meal ended. Sean was too keen to volunteer with the dishes as I collected some and headed into the kitchen.
I bit my lip while at his side, both of us silently standing beneath the cloud of that night a week prior, with Lizzie’s sink and our dirty dishes in front of us.
“You need to tell our friends,” I quietly scolded him. I peered up at him, silenced by his glare as I filled with apprehension.
“I’m not ready.”
“Sean.” I reached for his shoulders, but his hands flew almost instinctively and blocked my hold, wrapping his long fingers around my wrists in restraint.
“Avery,” he warned, “I’m not ready.”
&
nbsp; “Let me go.”
His eyes tightened, a sigh slowly left his throat, and he released my wrists. I knew whatever he was about to say, whatever can of emotions we opened in Lizzie’s kitchen, would end me. “If I tell them,” he mumbled, his voice strained, “then it’s more real.”
I hadn’t thought about that. I hadn’t been thinking about the enormous weight this reality poured on Sean’s soul. How selfish of me to focus on keeping my friend with me instead of how his own mind was struggling to process his health.
“So why did you tell me?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” His tone softened, and I looked at him, flicking my gaze between his dimmed green eyes.
“Do you regret telling me, Sean?”
His brows met as his head softly shook. “Of course not.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say, where this was going, or what to do, so I rolled my lips in to bite myself into silence and reached for a sponge.
“Ave.” Sean grabbed my hand, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. “I…” Ella bounced into the kitchen, and Sean released his hold so quickly I barely noticed, except for the gaping vacancy surrounding it that stung in the air. You what, Sean? You…what? I willed him to continue, my mind screaming at Ella to leave. Did he remember what happened when I met him outside of Lizzie’s last weekend? He remembered talking to me, obviously, but everything else…
“What’s going on?” Ella glanced between us, Sean’s eyes burning a hole into my mind. I shrugged, gnawing on my lips as they wrapped around my teeth. I returned to washing the dishes, picking a plate from the pile stacked on my left.
“Nothing, Ell,” Sean snapped. He dropped the dishtowel on the counter and sternly looked at me while Ella ignorantly remained in the room, finding a spot for the leftovers in Lizzie’s fridge. His nostrils flared, as if he was full of some unspeakable indignation. What did I do?
“It isn’t something I can forget.” Sean sighed, ignoring Ella’s humming. “I don’t want to.”
My fingers shook, and I had to remind myself not to drop the plate I now mindlessly washed twice. Ella was ignorant to our topic, stubbornly remaining in the kitchen, her rear sticking out from the fridge. I was tempted to close it on her and jump Sean. Get it together, Avery. I glanced at Sean, silently pleading with him to wait and begging him to finish talking to me. His glare silenced my unspoken words.
“I’m getting married,” Ella hummed as she finished poking around in the fridge. “I’m getting married.”
I watched Sean move to the doorway of the kitchen. He was gawking, studying me like I was his prey. He never watched me so closely, so carnally, and I felt exposed. His brows met, his face plastered with…concern? Desire? Irritation? Trying to interpret was pointless. It all hurt.
“I’m so happy for you and Jesse, Ella,” Sean said while staring at me. Those eyes would have burned through me had he continued to glare. Ella stood up and threw her arms around Sean’s neck, distracting him and, thankfully, distracting me. I resumed the dishes, washing and not drying.
Everyone was nestled into comfortable post-meal positions inside Lizzie’s living room. Ella, staring at her ring and the prisms of dancing rainbows it created, was snuggled under Jesse’s arm on the loveseat, playing with her left hand. Lizzie rested against the arm of the loveseat, ogling Jesse and Ella. She politely thanked me for taking over the dishes as I entered the room, leaning against the doorway. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling strangely isolated and wary about being in the room with the weight of Sean’s secret looming over me.
“I want to hear the proposal again,” Lizzie purred, her eyes filled with longing as she melted over Ella’s ring. Jesse leaned forward to take his cup of water from the coffee table. Ella repeated, for possibly the tenth time that evening, the story of Jesse proposing to her on the merry-go-round in Central Park. I almost had it memorized. My lips moved to repeat what Ella was saying as she described the moment.
“Hi.” Sean’s low hum startled me. I turned, still leaning against the doorway, and eyed him warily. His eyes widened, as if shocked I might not be willing to smile in response to his smooth tone.
“Avery, I’m terrified. Okay?”
I slowly nodded in acceptance of his honesty, piercing my arms with my fingernails so I didn’t jump him out of sorrow. He contemplated my own expression, his green eyes scanning mine. My heart throbbed, pumping into my throat as I could feel the warm current between us while we stood speechless, studying each other. With a long exhale, Sean lifted his knuckles to graze my cheek, sending a chill down to my toes.
“I know you’re mad at me,” his forehead fleetingly paused against mine while he spoke, “and I know it’s because you care. I’m going to tell them now.”
“Um,” Ella’s giggle trickled toward us from the couch, “what are you doing?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head, not even blushing, and turned away from Sean. His head hung briefly in response before he rolled his neck in irritation…preparation…I’m not sure. He joined our friends in the living room, sitting on the corner of the coffee table. He began telling everyone that he spent so much time in Miami with his brother this fall because he found out he was sick and desired absence to process his news. He explained to them how there were tumors in his lung and fluid around his heart. His delivery was so matter-of-fact that it made me cringe, and I couldn’t register a single word he said. His explanation was void of feeling, because we felt it all for him.
“What do you mean?” Jesse jumped from the loveseat, his mouth falling to a gaping hole. “What…wait…but…” His lack of words resonated with the rest of us, as there really was nothing else to say. How do you talk about this?
“I’m going away for a little while, and then I’m going in for surgery,” Sean repeated, deliberately enunciating his words, as though he were speaking with children. He can’t leave. What if he doesn’t come home? What if this is it?
“You can’t leave,” Lizzie snapped at him, slapping his shoulder. “What the heck is the matter with you? You’re so selfish, Sean. You are so damned clueless! You walk around like some big tough guy, just letting a disease literally kill you from the inside out; meanwhile, you don’t tell your best friends. You have no idea who you’re hurting here.” Ouch. I wanted to defend Sean, to jump in and tell Lizzie that whatever he’s doing is right because it was all his choice, but the more irrational side of myself took over, and I completely agreed with her.
“When do you leave?” Jesse pressed, his eyes full of pain.
Sean stood as he replied, adjusting the waist of his shirt. “Thursday. Maybe Friday. Maybe sooner. I don’t know. I do know, though, that I’m beat and need to go to bed. Don’t worry, you guys.” Please. I was scoffing to myself. Don’t worry? Don’t be sick. Don’t be a selfish, scared, sick jerk.
***
My mind spun when I closed my eyes while hanging upside down on the couch in Jesse and Sean’s apartment. It was early evening on Thursday night, and Jesse, Ella, Lizzie, and I already finished two bottles of wine in our time together. It wasn’t a particularly eventful or happy evening. I think we were aching in response to Sean’s diagnosis and needed a way to self-medicate or momentarily pretend the problem didn’t exist.
“So…” Lizzie mumbled at my side, her arm resting on my crossed ankles that hugged the back of the couch.
“I don’t even know,” Jesse whispered. His eyes were lifeless, staring without blinking. Ella was tightly wound into the safe space at Jesse’s side, his arm wrapped securely around her. She slowly sipped from a cup of ice water.
“And we’re just supposed to…to what? Let him be alone? I don’t think so.”
“Lizard,” Jesse groaned, “what would you want? Would you want to be hounded by all of us right now?”
“I’d expect it,” Lizzie snapped.
“Guys,” I whined, “just stop. It isn’t about us.” I pulled at my face, my red nails scratching their way across my cheeks. Lizzie wiggled to lean
against my legs, releasing an exasperated sigh when finally finding a position of comfort. The four of us sat for minutes, maybe half an hour, before the weight in our air shifted.
“I’m going to bed.” Jesse stood, causing Ella to fall into his seat. I slowly sat, careful not to kick Lizzie as I moved from horizontal to vertical, watching Jesse stomp out of the living room.
“Yikes,” Ella sighed, biting her top lip. “This is going to be a long night.”
Lizzie and I looked at each other in response. What were we supposed to say? Acknowledge that poor Ella had to support her boyfriend as he coped with the news of his best friend’s health? Ella, get it together, girl.
“Smella, it isn’t just about Jesse. We’re all in this. Sean is our friend,” Lizzie barked. She pulled her blonde hair, crisped by mousse curls, into a ponytail as she tried to rein in her temper. The front door opened into the living room, slowly and apprehensively. Sean poked around the door, an expression of relief glowing from his face.
“It’s not every day you come home to three beautiful women waiting for you in your living room.” He grinned, feigning distraction. Ella stood when he turned around from closing the door, a large black suitcase in his left hand.
“Oh, Sean!” She ran to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and sobbing into his chest. The white cotton t-shirt was becoming smeared with her runny mascara.
“Ella,” he begged, “please don’t cry. Please.” She wouldn’t stop. Her small body convulsed against Sean and his white shirt. He looked at Lizzie and me, who were glued to the couch, as if a silent plea for help would allow us to remove Ella from his chest. He gave in, dropping his suitcase and tightly wrapping his arms around Ella.