by Fiona Keane
“I’ll just be a minute,” I assured him, but I knew it wasn’t a promise I could keep. I accepted Sean’s hand, and he quickly put his arm around my waist, gently kissing my hair as we stepped away.
“Don’t,” I warned him, pulling away. “You don’t get to do that. Not here. Not tonight. And what the heck was that back there?” When we reached the back of the room where fewer people mingled, I slapped Sean’s arm.
“Are you finished?” I demanded, glowering at his perfection. His lips twitched into a grin that melted my soul, his eyes glowing like a child.
“Ouch.” He faked injury while grabbing his arm. “Are you?”
“Yes. Are you done spraying your testosterone all over this damn party so we can move on and behave like normal adults?”
“I wasn’t aware I was,” he chuckled as he started to mock me, “spraying my testosterone all over.” I focused on his eyes, realizing it was futile to resist smiling.
“You were. All over Declan, Lizzie, and me. In fact,” I pretended to sniff him, only inhaling the toxic fume of his delicious aftershave, “you still reek.” For a moment, it felt normal. It was us, the friends who flirted, the friends who loved each other. It was bittersweet.
“I’m sorry.” He pouted playfully. “Toasts?”
I nodded, reaching into the pocket of my black taffeta skirt for the paper on which I previously typed my speech. Sean took a folded paper from his pocket, and we exchanged ideas. I looked up from his toast, noticing his eyes were glued to me. I couldn’t help but blush. My stomach twisted as his glimpse flooded my heart with memories, happy memories of witty banter, furtive glances, and my friend. Memories of the night we spent together, his teeth on my skin, his hands setting my body ablaze. Memories of him telling me about his illness. The feelings nagged at me, pulling my heart toward Sean’s. I knew he felt it by the way his shoulders tensed, responding to a shiver. He briefly looked down, a beautifully mischievous grin parting his soft lips. The sentiment tickled my cheeks and danced down my neck. Sean placed some loose hair behind my right ear and lightly pulled on the diamond stud in my earring.
“I miss this.” His knuckles stopped on my cheek and, for a split second, I forgot we were in a room full of Jesse and Ella’s guests. I shook my head but smiled at him with a promise I couldn’t define.
***
Once guests were established and held their glasses in preparation, Sean and I gave our brief speeches toasting Jesse and Ella. Mrs. New Boobs eyed Sean as he spoke, of course, occasionally licking her lips. How can Mr. Adler not see this? Sean elegantly spoke of the once-in-a-lifetime love that Jesse and Ella shared, how important their deep level of intimacy and respect was, and how he envied their relationship. Wait a minute—where is Kelly? He continued wooing the guests with his persuasive voice before raising a glass and toasting to their love. I just talked about how much I loved them and how thrilled I was for their engagement. He stole the show.
We headed toward the door as party guests began departing. Jesse and his dad were thanking guests just outside the door, getting caught in flakes of snow.
“Oh, Sean,” Jesse’s stepmother approached, dabbing tears from her overly lined eyes, “that was the most beautiful speech.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Adler.” I noticed him looking around, his eyes finally locking on mine. I didn’t mean to stare at him; I couldn’t help it.
Lizzie, Ella, and I were huddled in our tripod discussing Ella’s dainty engagement ring. I glanced up, and his eyes were still on me while Mrs. New Boobs attempted to flirtatiously engage him in conversation. I felt a tug on my arm, pulling me away from the girls.
“I’m going to go,” Declan whispered, his lips close to my ear. I spun around, my gaze frantic but knowingly searching his. I swallowed hard, not sure how to reply.
“I’m going to be the better guy here, Avery. I’m going to let you be happy.” That’s what Sean should have told me a month ago. But now my heart was torn in three pieces: Declan, Sean, and me.
“Declan.” Unsure of what to say, I reached for his hand resting in the side pocket of his black dress pants, but he only allowed me to grasp his forearm.
“You want that,” he nodded in Sean’s direction, “and he does too. Any fool can see that, and Avery, I don’t want to be a fool.” He kissed my forehead, and his lips lingered, a gentle, paternal kiss that forced the guilt to pour from my eyes. I don’t know what I want.
“Don’t cry,” Declan soothed. “Thank you for what we had.” Another soft kiss to my forehead and he stepped away, flipping up the collar of his wool coat.
I was now without Declan, without Sean, and with what? Lizzie? I didn’t want Lizzie. I stood in the falling snow, thankful I had sleeves despite their ineffectiveness at shielding the frigid chill blowing the snow into its flurry dance. Declan remained confident in his posture, gliding across the sidewalks yet to be shoveled, his legs marching elegantly in his path. I watched him disappear with the muted glow of pedestrians until I lost him.
“Excuse me.” A stranger’s hand quickly grazed my back in an effort to get my attention and ensure I would move from their path. I smiled politely at one of the party guests and stepped away from the door. I officially lost Declan.
My head hung solemnly, covered in petals of white snow while I paced the sidewalk, only pausing when I accidentally stepped on two very shiny Oxfords. Jesse. I lifted my eyes to observe his gentle face. His brown hair hung over his forehead in a disheveled mop, the oil he used to comb it back now keeping pieces dangling in response to his dancing downstairs. Jesse removed his black suit coat and tenderly placed it around my shoulders. Such a gentleman and such a loyal friend. Immediately, I fell against his chest, longing for the comfort of someone I could trust who wouldn’t flee, leaving me empty and ruined.
“I’m so happy for you two,” I mumbled, his arms securing me against him. I tried not to cry on the black satin tie dangling along his chest. Jesse soothingly pet my back while we stood in the falling snow.
“Declan left,” I whimpered.
“I saw. You don’t have to pretend,” he murmured, placing his chin atop my head. I heard those words before.
“Pretend what?” I peered up at my friend, curiously awaiting his clarification.
“Sean.” Jesse’s eyes widened as if I should know his thoughts. “Obviously, Ave.”
“I lost two great guys, you know that? Two.”
“I know.” Jesse pulled me tighter against his warm body, my sobs burning into his chest. “You feel that way right now, babe, but it’s not true.”
“I know I’ll always have you,” I sighed, lifting the back of my hand to my nose.
Jesse smiled, his eyes twinkling humorously. “That’s not what I mean. It’s absolutely true, my dear, but not what I meant. You just lost Declan.” Just lost Declan. Like it was an easy thing to just eliminate or lose? Jesse just didn’t get it sometimes.
“You’ve still got your two great guys,” he continued. “You’ll always have me. And—”
“You’ll always have me. If you’ll have me.”
Jesse turned around, taking me with him, to observe Sean standing outside with us. His dark figure was glorious and captivating in the falling snow, a dark angel haloed by the glowing white. Jesse’s dad pulled him away from us, oblivious to the depth of our exchange. I shivered, instantly missing Jesse’s warmth despite being bundled in his suit coat. Sean strode closer to me.
“Stop it,” I whispered. “You just can’t see me happy, can you?”
“I very much can, Avery, but it’s with me—not Declan. Not with anyone else, and not alone. I have a clear picture in my mind of you being happy, and I’ll do whatever it takes to achieve that happiness.” Sean lifted one hand to balance on my hip beneath Jesse’s coat, pulling me against him, while his other hand seized my face as he kissed my forehead and rested his chin atop my head.
“Not now,” I mumbled, inhaling him and savoring this moment. “I’m not happy right now.”
“Not now?”
I shook my head in response, watching his green eyes narrow and wash with apprehension. I reached for his wrists, his cufflinks poking into my skin as I bound my fingers around him.
“You’re sick, Sean. You have a girlfriend. We’ve had this conversation before.”
“Do you want me to not have a girlfriend, Ave?”
“I want you to be a good man, Sean, and I want you alive.”
Sean’s fingers pinched the bridge of his nose as if he were repressing something, attempting to focus elsewhere or contain himself. “Avery, you are the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.”
“And you love me for it,” I whimpered, eyes closed. Sean’s hands fell from me as we heard our friends approach. Ella’s inebriated giggle was contagious. She was ecstatic, full of such hope and a tangible illustration of happiness.
“Thank you for your speeches,” she told us, her eyes sparkling. “It means the most to us.”
“Nice jacket, Ave,” Lizzie teased, throwing her arm around me. I was suddenly irritated by her, resentful, even, at her lack of compassion for what transpired between Declan, Sean, and I that evening. I stepped out from her grasp and took Jesse’s coat from my shoulders, returning it to him. Sean adjusted his cufflinks and twisted his long fingers around his wrist. Is he nervous?
“I hate to change to such a sad topic,” Ella continued, inching toward Sean, “but when is your first surgery?” I watched him, intrigued and expecting.
“Wednesday.”
“Four days from now,” I gasped, saddened that he skipped this detail when we last spoke in great length about his illness. I selfishly felt a little betrayed and let down that in all of his discussion about his illness and his irresponsible romantic nonsense, he omitted this one fact.
“That’s New Year’s Eve,” Lizzie whined. She broke into a heaving sob, throwing herself at our billboard friend, and Sean politely smiled while attempting to reassure her he would be fine. Suddenly, he looked almost childlike to me, something precious to be saved or protected and cherished. I wanted to hold Sean. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and shield him from cancer right there in the snow, knowing I was freezing, but he was safe.
Chapter Eleven
I held his hand in the hospital bed while the machines beeped around us, my fingers laced into his motionless hands. It was after eight in the morning, and I’d been at Sean’s side since seven the previous evening. Happy New Year. I didn’t know if I should expect Kelly or what Sean told her. I didn’t let anything stand in the way of holding his hand the moment he came through.
“Ave,” Sean’s voice cracked. “Have you been here all night?” His green eyes looked like faded jade instead of the sparkling emerald they usually appeared.
“I wanted to make sure you pulled it through the night. I should be going shortly.” I swirled my thumb around the back of his hand, mindlessly absorbing the contact.
“I want you to stay,” he urged. “Please?” I let go of his hand as his doctor entered the room. I stepped out of the way and inched closer to the door, still listening to what the doctor said about Sean’s condition.
“Mr. Alexander,” his voice was slow and crisp, “we need to discuss the latest results of your films now that we’ve operated.” He turned to me and looked again at Sean. “This is personal information, Mr. Alexander.”
“I was just leaving,” I whispered, reaching for my bright blue coat from the chair near the door. Sean cleared his throat, getting my attention. It was a pathetic grumble that lacked force, which was why the doctor and I froze.
“No,” he shook his head, “Avery, I want you to stay. She’s staying.”
The doctor sighed and took a moment to collect his thoughts. I was worried about that man’s lack of bedside manner as he crossed his arms and the gentle expression faded from his face. “Mr. Alexander, we took all that we could from your lungs, but the scans are still showing some abnormal growth that we can’t yet access.” I felt Sean’s heart stop from across the room, and mine echoed the exact emotion. I think his machines stopped, but I couldn’t tell for sure. Why can’t they access it?
“I’m sorry?” I asked for clarification as I walked to Sean’s side. “You what? You didn’t get everything?” Sean lifted his limp hand from the bed, reaching for mine, and I instinctively grasped it. From the corner of my eye, I saw Ella and Jesse enter the room, a bouquet of sunflowers in Ella’s arms as she struggled to carry it from beneath the overwhelming faux fur of her parka.
“Happy New Year! What’s going on?” Jesse probed, putting Ella’s coat on a hook near the door while she placed the sunflowers at the window. “You didn’t get everything?”
I wondered the possible excuses Kelly and Sean’s family could have for not being the ones to hold Sean’s hand while he lay there, pale and wounded. I ran my fingers through his sloppy hair and wiped away the drops of sweat lingering along the concerned wrinkles across his forehead. Sean’s doctor seemed irritated that so many of us were in the room while he delivered the news to Sean, but I couldn’t imagine Sean having it any other way. Despite our dysfunction, we were a family, and if Sean wanted us there then we were going to stay. Instead of informing the doctor of our stance, a long, slow sigh parted my lips. It felt like, in some way, I had been fighting for Sean forever.
“We need to run some more tests and discuss the options, but right now I can’t give you a prognosis.” His eyes met mine. “You might want to think about your options.” My options? Sean’s options? Someone needs to call his parents.
“I’ll call his mom,” I added, reality burning into my rapidly pumping blood. The doctor nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him. Ella’s mouth quivered, and it was fortunate for the sunflowers that she set them down before she had an opportunity to drop them on the floor. Jesse moved toward Sean’s bed, looking for the right words, as we all were.
“Is there a game on?” Jesse blurted. “Maybe that would make you feel better.” I watched Sean’s lips part into a smile at the symbol of affection Jesse offered.
“Where’s Kelly?” Ella asked me in a whisper, her eyes flashing between Sean and me. I shrugged in response, wishing Kelly wasn’t even in the picture.
“Don’t know,” Sean added. I stepped away again, remembering what limits my relationship with Sean had instituted by being nothing more than friends. For how long? Don’t lie to yourself. We’re more than friends. I put on my coat and covered myself with my hat and mittens.
“You don’t have to go,” Sean murmured. “You just got here.”
“I’ve been here all night, Sean,” I reminded him. “You’re delirious.” I watched his eyes squint into a smile as if he were thinking of something he couldn’t share.
“I know. Thank you, Ave.” Sean’s trembling hand, connected to an IV and heart monitor, reached for mine as I stood once more at his bedside. I forgot for a moment that Ella and Jesse were in the room with us during this exchange, but I didn’t even care anymore.
“I’ll call you to see how you’re doing later. Okay, Sean?” I knew my cheeks blushed scarlet, and I was thankful to have already put my scarf around my face for the cold walk outside. Still holding my hand, he nodded and then looked to Jesse and Ella.
“Will you guys stay for a while since she’s abandoning me?”
Jesse sat on the corner of Sean’s hospital bed and grabbed his feet. “Sure thing.”
He let go of my hand and slowly let out a breath, closing his eyes and smiling. I walked in the direction of Ella and Jesse to say goodbye, and Ella grabbed me.
She hug
ged me, pressing her head to my ear. “This is dangerous, you know.” I smiled at Ella and left the room without looking back. She had no idea.
The lights were off in Sean’s room when I went back later that same evening. I was hoping for his sake that Kelly had come, and for my sake that she’d left, but I was surprised to see nobody was in his room when I opened the door. I kept the lights off and set my things on the chair in the corner. Ella’s sunflowers were still near the window, and I smiled at the thought of how long she and Jesse may have stayed, helping Sean cope as his day progressed. I walked across the quiet space, scanning the view from Sean’s window. I could hear nurses and doctors humming along in the hallway, their melody broken by beeping machines and distant sobs.
“You came back,” Sean spoke from the doorway. I turned to see him slowly walk into the sterile room, holding on to his monitors after returning from a walk. His tan had faded, returning his skin to the familiar pale of January in Wisconsin. He was wearing sweatpants and a snug black t-shirt, the V-neck of which showed a hint of the bandages beneath.
“Nobody else is here?”
“Just you. What else is a best friend for, huh? You get the burden of sitting with me while I rot in this bed.”
I was at Sean’s side, helping him back into his bed. “It’s not a burden, Sean. It’s an honor. You’re more than my friend. You’re you.”
“And you’re more than my best friend.” His shaking hand grazed mine. “You know that. You’re my best gal, Avery Bean.”
“Stop,” I warned him, but my attempt at sincerity failed with one glance of his infectious smile.
“They let you wear sweats? You don’t need one of those vulnerable little gowns? How many nurses did you combust with your smile to get that accommodation?”
“Three.” He grinned, and for a moment he was back to me. My Sean. “Will you climb in with me?” He moved to one side of the narrow hospital bed and patted the other side with his hand. “Just until I fall asleep?”
I shook my head, but the smile on my face spoke otherwise. My heart throbbed from deep within my stomach, and I could already taste the salt of tears before they formed.