by Taylor Bell
“It’s great,” I lied. “I fucking love it. You are crafty, this looks amazing. Thank you so much,” I gave Meg a huge hug. The paddle was pretty much a sparkly hideous mess, but I guess all sorority paddles are, by nature.
“You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.” She squeezed me back.
“Well, it looks like you put a lot of effort into it, anyway.”
Meg took the paddle out of my hands and threw it in a bush to the side of the stairs.
“I’ll get that back to you later. We need to go inside.”
I joined all of the other pledges in the backyard.
“I have to pee so bad,” Jane whispered in my ear a bit too loudly. She was smiling and her eyes sat low.
“Are you drunk?” I asked Jane.
Her grin got wider across her face.
“Just hold it. I’m sure you can pee when we get inside.”
Colette came out to the backyard wearing a beautiful white dress, which I think was from Alice + Olivia, and I made a mental note to try and find it online later. She looked stunning. Her hair was wrapped in a tight, high braid and around it was a crown of white daisies. She glided toward us, holding a glowing, white candle.
“We officially welcome you, the Beta Zeta Fall 2015 Pledge Class, into our home, into our lives, and into our hearts.”
Colette gave us a little smile as she turned and led us back into the house. Inside, all of the lights were off and the entire chapter was standing in the dark, also wearing white dresses. Each one of them held a candle or two. Once we’d all filed into the living room, each Big approached each Little and handed her a candle. It had all been choreographed meticulously. Meg handed me my candle and ushered me into position.
All twenty-one pledges formed a circle, each with her Big standing right behind her and her Grand Big standing right behind them. Amazingly, this was all happening in complete silence. It was definitely creepy in a Tom Cruise, Eyes Wide Shut kind of way, but I was into it.
“We shall steadfastly love each other,” Colette said, calling the initiation to order.
“We shall steadfastly love each other,” we all repeated.
“Sisterhood is the foundation of our organization,” Colette continued. “It is our reason for being. If you have nothing else in this life, you will always have your sisters from Beta Zeta. The commitment you make tonight will last a lifetime. You may not always agree with every sister, you may not always see eye to eye with your sisters, you may not even talk to your sisters for long periods of time throughout your life. But your sisters will always live in your hearts. Should you ever need the help of a BZ sister, no matter what the circumstance, she will always be there for you.”
Then she began singing the BZ song, which we’d all been learning and practicing over the past few weeks, and we all joined in:
I have met the sweetest girl,
She’s as good as one can be,
I’ve seen the one I’ll cherish, she means the world to me,
She holds the whitest daisy,
And the silver, pink, and green,
Beta Zeta I love you,
And to you I will be true.
As we sang the song, Nancy, our house mother, who was wearing a loose linen pantsuit, placed a glass vase in the middle of us. A long table draped in a pink and green tablecloth was carried out of the kitchen by a few older sisters. Just after the table was set down, a huge coffin that had been painted silver, pink, and green, and covered in daisies, was lugged out of the kitchen by four pallbearer Actives. It was all kind of pretty, but still really scary, because it was a coffin and I had no idea what it was doing there. I could feel the room getting tense.
When the song was done, Colette stood and pointed to an object on the table that I didn’t recognize.
“This is our member book. I will now call you up here individually to sign it. Once you have signed your name, your Big will hand you a daisy and remove your pledge pin. Then you will walk over to our chapter coffin, get in it, and we will close it. This will signify the death of you as an unaffiliated member. When we reopen the coffin you will be reborn as an Active. Your Big will then put on your member pin and help you out of the coffin. Proceed to the vase and as you place your daisy into it, please recite the Beta Zeta motto loudly and clearly. Then return to your position in the circle. Once each pledge has become an Active, we will all march out of the house and into the night, as a united sisterhood. As a family.”
It took about an hour for all twenty-one of us to do the coffin thing. Some girls cried out of fear and claustrophobia, some girls laughed with excitement, and this girl Jenny fainted and had to be taken outside. It all happened in a blur. For some reason Colette saved me for last. There was no specific order that was clear to me, but I thought it was weird that she chose to call me at the very end.
“Taylor Bell.”
Maybe she was sending me a message in some way. But I was trying not to read into it too much. I wanted to enjoy the moment as much as I could. I walked over to the book. It was huge and the names were tiny. As I signed my name I realized that I was the fifth woman in my family to sign her name in this exact book. This was something that we’d share forever. It was strange to think about them doing the exact thing I was doing right now. As Meg removed my pledge pin and escorted me over to the coffin, I thought about running for the door. I fucking hate small spaces, but Meg looked me in the eye and said, “It’s worth it.”
And then . . . complete silence and total darkness.
It felt like I was in there for an eternity. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, the coffin flew open and I was free. Meg helped me out, put on my white daisy member pin, and my eyes filled with tears.
“We shall steadfastly love each other,” I said as I let the daisy slip out of my hand and into the vase. And then it was over. We all filed out into the backyard, still holding our candles, no longer pledges.
We were full-fledged sisters now.
I was a full-fledged sister now.
After our initiation was over, it was time to go to the official initiation party thrown by the fine gentlemen of Omega Sig. They’d gone all out. This was by far the most intense party Jack’s house had thrown yet. Still unclear as to whether that was a result of personal perception, blood alcohol content, or just plain fact, but everything about it seemed heightened to me. Dubstep versions of Ellie Goulding songs pounded throughout the OS house. It all just felt different now and not just for me. Everyone seemed to feel that way.
“You’re literally my sister now!” I screamed into Meg’s ear. Mouth filled with ice from the vodka cran I’d just downed.
“I know! That’s like what I’ve been trying to tell you. I fucking hate this song.”
“I mean, before it was like we were close friends and you had my back and stuff. But now . . .”
“It feels different, doesn’t it?”
“Exactlyyyy.” I was drunk.
“You see, this . . . this right here is what no one on the outside will ever understand. We are blood now. And blood is thicker than water.”
“And vodka!”
“So whatever happens, we’re in it together.”
We hugged for a really long time before both breaking into laughter.
I’d lain in the same coffin as all of these girls. I’d signed my name in the same member book as generations of Beta Zetas who came before me. I was a part of something bigger than myself, and bigger than anything I’d ever been a part of.
“There’s no going back now,” a deep voice said from just behind me.
Jack looked amazing, smelled amazingly good, and tasted even better when he kissed me.
“I hope you didn’t go to all this trouble just for me,” I said to him, gesturing to the party.
“Well, that’s where you’re mistaken.” Jack grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into his big, warm body and proceeded to sing “All for You,” that Janet Jackson song.
“You shouldn’t have!”
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We kissed.
“What a difference a month or two can make in your life, huh?” Meg semi-awkwardly interjected. “Look at you now! You’re a Beta Zeta, your tits have never looked better, and you even have a frat-boy boyfriend.”
“Sorry for dry humping in your face, Meg,” Jack said, still kissing me.
“It’s all good,” Meg replied. “We should all be celebrating our mutual love for one another.”
“Are you, though?” I asked Jack.
“Am I what?”
“My boyfriend.”
“Yeah, Jack. Are you?” asked Meg.
“That depends on whether or not Miss Bell wants me to be.”
I’d thought of Jack as my boyfriend, but we’d never talked about it.
“Of course I do!”
“Then that’s exactly what I am.”
I jumped up onto Jack, wrapped my legs around him, and squeezed. I didn’t give a shit. I was that girl.
“Yay! It’s, like, almost creepy how much you love each other already,” squawked Meg.
“I’m really fucking happy right now,” I whispered into his ear.
“Me too, Tay. Me too.”
13.
Y’ALL, ARE WE FIGHTING?
The next two weeks flew by as I did my best to catch up on research for papers and group projects. My life as an Active had officially begun, but unfortunately, I’d focused so much energy on Beta Zeta activities leading up to the initiation, I was buried under a mountain of schoolwork that I’d been blowing off. I wasn’t in danger of failing any classes, but I also wasn’t going to get that 4.0 GPA I’d had in mind when I got to school.
I had, however, agreed to be on the planning committee for the upcoming Children’s Hospital Benefit, an event that the CDU Beta Zeta chapter threw annually. I was included in a group text from hell.
It began as I was leaving the women’s studies building, where my head-warpingly boring female Russian lit class is held . . .
Meg 11:35AM Hello friends/bitches/sisters/planning committee! It’s time to get going on the children’s hospital fund-raiser. :)
Meg 11:36AM let’s save these cancer kids!!
Colette 11:41AM Let’s never refer to them as cancer kids again people
Meg 11:42AM sowwy
Meg 11:45AM kinda :/
Stephanie 12:04PM But for reals can we talk about our first meeting? I’m offering up our place and this weekend is looking good. Definitely need to meet before xmas break which is in less than TWO WEEKS WTF!
Stephanie 12:07PM ugh I can’t believe finals are next week. I’m failing bio
Stephanie 12:08PM again
Taylor 12:10PM Hey, just seeing these. I could do this weekend, what works for people?
Olivia 12:12PM This weekend is going to be hard for me as I have eight finals next week and a thirty-page essay to finish
Olivia 12:12PM side note: is anyone else’s Adderall not really working recently
Olivia 12:13PM do we have to have it our place, Steph?
Meg 12:14PM oh get off me Olivia. Can’t you let yourself live for once?
Olivia 12:15PM I don’t appreciate that
Meg 12:15PM
Olivia 12:16PM I don’t appreciate that either, Meg
Colette 12:20PM Ugh shut up please. So saturday afternoon, say 3?
Taylor 12:21PM works for me!
Jane 12:22PM me too
Meg 12:26PM LOVES IT. I’ll make my guacamole
Kenadie 12:30PM Ooooh and I’ll make my queso
Kenadie 12:31PM FUN!
Olivia 12:34PM Does there have to be food at every function? Jesus. No one even eats at these things
Kenadie 12:35PM I do!
Colette 12:37PM We know you do.
Meg 12:39PM Sooooooooooo just to get our head in the game a little, should we divvy up the roles before the meeting?
Stephanie 12:40PM great!
Meg 12:42PM I have the twins on guest list and invitations and was thinking that would be good for Taylor too cause you’re such a legacy
Taylor 12:44PM Alright
Olivia 12:45PM Can I design the invitations again, or are we just doing an ecard this year? What’s the budget?
Meg 12:46PM Well I think most of the budget (which we have saved from last year) should go to the musical guest
Meg 12:46PM Jack Johnson or Ellie Goulding????!!!
Olivia 12:49PM What’s the budget for the event?
Meg 12:50PM Liv are you being a cunt?
Olivia 12:51PM I am not meg. Am I?
Meg 12:52PM It certainly seems that way. But sometimes I can’t tell if you’re being a cunt or you’re just being your normal self
Olivia 12:55PM So you’re saying I just AM a cunt?
Olivia 12:56PM all the time?
Meg 12:57PM I’m not not saying that
Colette 12:59PM No one has time for this shit
Stephanie 1:02PM Yea I don’t
Kenadie 1:03PM Y’all
Stephanie 1:04PM Get your shit together you guys
Kenadie 1:08PM Y’all are we fighting?
Jane 1:11PM Did any of you see my iPad at the house?
Kenadie 1:15PM I hate it when we fight! This should be about the cancer kids! Can we not put our differences aside. Olivia needs space to study y’all, we need to respect that, so why don’t we have the meeting this wknd at mine?? I’ll make my dead Meemaw’s deviled eggs. Colette I know you love them eggs
Olivia 1:17PM Ew
Stephanie 1:18PM Ew
Taylor 1:18PM I actually really like deviled eggs, ken
Colette 1:18PM FUCK YOU Kenadie
Meg 1:19PM Ew
Kenadie 1:20PM
Meg 1:37PM omg
Colette 1:41PM OKAY
Stephanie 1:41PM I’m gonna pretend that didn’t just happen. I thought you took control over your excessive emoji problem??? Didn’t you see a therapist last year about it Kensicles?
Stephanie 1:42PM like that wasn’t cool
Meg 1:43PM Yea that was way too many emojis
Meg 1:43PM I’m scarred by how many emoji faces I just saw
Colette 1:45PM WE WILL BE HAVING THE MEETING AT STEPH AND LIV’S ON SAT AT 3
Meg 1:47PM Okay
Taylor 1:47PM Alright cool
Stephanie 1:48PM I’ll make sure there’s fun stuff to drink
Stephanie 1:50PM Liv, I’ll have Hailey come take meeting notes for you if you’re TOO SMART and STUDIOUS to make it
Olivia 2:01PM No it’s fine whatever
Olivia 2:01PM I’ll be there
Kenadie 2:04PM Y’all I’m sorry. I woke up and snorted a bunch of ritalin this morning for some reason
Kenadie 2:04PM Won’t happen again
Colette 2:05PM No it won’t. This event needs to be fucking flawless
Kenadie 2:07PM Yes ma’am
Jane 2:08PM I’ll be there sat @ 3
Jane 2:08PM but seriously has anyone seen a white iPad with a blue leather cover thingy at the house? It has a super important presentation on it that I need for psych tomorrow
Meg 2:11PM No Jane no one’s seen your fuckin iPad
Stephanie 2:12PM No fighting!
Stephanie 2:12PM I can’t with you whores right now, jesus
Leyla 2:20PM Hey guys just seeing these was at the gym
Leyla 2:21PM Whasssssssssup???!!!
14.
SISTERLY LOVE
The Children’s Hospital Benefit meeting never happened because Colette’s mom’s Pomeranian was hit by a car, and she had to rush home to be with her for moral support. Colette clearly didn’t trust the rest of us that much, because she didn’t want the meeting to happen without her. Finals, however, did happen. Honestly, they weren’t half as bad as I thought they’d be. Turns out high school is ten times harder than college.
I coasted through my exams, said my goodbyes to Jack (we had sex and he lent me one of his sweatshirts to wear home, which was super cute), bid the BZ girls farewell (probably the most hugging I’ve ever done
in a twenty-minute period), and then hopped in the car with Jonah and headed home to McLean.
The summer before college, I was so excited to get out of there, but I distinctly remember thinking how nice it would be to come back home for winter break and see all my old friends. Now that it was here, I couldn’t imagine having ever felt that way. I got a few texts from some kids I went to high school with, and I pretended to be excited to see them and catch up, but the truth was that I didn’t really have the desire to do any such thing. Without me realizing it, my life had evolved into something else and being home felt like a step in the wrong direction. I missed school, I missed Jack, and I missed the BZ girls.
I spent the week before Christmas hanging out with Jonah, eating all the amazing food my parents cooked for us, and catching up on all the Real Housewives episodes I’d missed when I was at school.
Kelly got home on Christmas Eve.
“Hey, Kel,” I said as she walked into the kitchen, where I was perched at the counter eating half a grapefruit and a yogurt. Being at home really was all about when and what I was eating.
Kelly looked strangely glowy and fresh, considering she’d just gotten off of a long flight from Zambia. That was the thing about my sister; she always looked amazing. Though she was less tan than I expected her to be.
“Hey, babe. How are you?” Kelly said as she dropped her bags by the door and came in for a huge hug. Odd, Kelly isn’t much of a hugger.
“Fine. Bored. The past week in this house has been riveting,” I whispered just as our dad walked in behind Kelly through the door from the garage.
“Two out of three in the same house. Not too bad. Not too bad at all,” he said as he roughly hugged us, giving us each a kiss on the top of our heads.
“Dad, we did this whole bit at the airport. Enough,” Kelly protested while inside of our family group hug. Ah, there’s the Kel I know and love.
“So rude of Jessica not to be here for my triumphant return.”
“Right?” I added.
“Well, do me a favor,” my dad interjected, “don’t mention it around your mother. She’s upset enough about Jess not being here. The last thing she needs is to feel like you guys are too.”