by Taylor Bell
The scandal refused to die down the entire week. I was now fully recognized as the “BZ blow job girl.” I had to delete every social network from my phone because the notifications never ended. The final blow in my cursed week came when I was called to the BZ house to have a “sit-down” with the one girl I wanted to see least, Colette.
I got her text asking me to come to the house as soon as I could because she thought “we should connect.” I was sure she must’ve been freaking out about how bad this whole thing looked for Beta Zeta, but I wondered if she was also partly happy that I was the one being burned at the stake.
When I got to the house, she was sitting at the counter in the kitchen in front of a salad, decisively moving lettuce around with her fork, deep in thought.
I pulled up the stool next to hers. “Yummy salad?” I asked.
“It’s actually inedible. Produce this time of year is a joke.”
“It seems like everything this time of year is a joke.”
She put her fork down next to the bowl of salad and turned toward me. “I don’t want to make this any more uncomfortable than it already is, so I’m going to say what I need to say quick.”
“Um, okay.”
“This whole thing has become very trashy and very, very messy.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed—”
“Okay, just let me talk so we can be done sooner.”
I wanted to demand answers from her, but I knew better than to do that. Colette was an aggressive animal; if I gave any hint of aggression, she would pounce back. As strong as my distaste for her had become over the past month, she still intimidated me. I hated that. I still didn’t know what to say, so I just sat there, obliging.
“We’ve spent hours and hours examining the video footage and weighing the options.”
“I’m sorry, but who is ‘we’? ” I couldn’t help but interrupt.
“Me and the other girls in this chapter whose opinions matter.”
Not a suitable answer, but I knew more questioning wouldn’t get me anywhere.
“Basically, Taylor, and I’m truly sorry to say this, but the only freshman we believe it could possibly be is you. And obviously, we’re not the only ones who think so. It looks exactly like you and you totally have this weird feminist agenda that you brought with you from day one. What we keep coming back to is this idea that not only is it you in the video, but we feel that you may have created this entire thing as a way to bring the chapter down, as a way to hurt us, and as a way to exercise your ‘rights as a woman’ or a ‘sexualized individual,’ or whatever you people talk about in feminist lit classes. This is exactly the type of stunt you would pull, and the more I get to know you, the more I agree with them. So, here’s what’s going to happen now.”
My heart sank.
There was a piece of paper facedown on the counter next to Colette. She flipped it over, folded it in half, and handed it to me.
“This is a letter of resignation that we’ve gone ahead and written out for you so you don’t have to go to the trouble to do it yourself.”
I held the paper in my hand and felt the blood rush from my head to my feet. Colette just looked at me, almost smiling.
“So whenever you’re ready, preferably by tomorrow, we’d like you to come back to the house and make your proper resignation announcement to the rest of the girls. They’ll want to know what’s going on and I think they deserve to. I’m sure you agree.”
“I’m . . . um . . . okay,” I muttered under my breath.
She’d done it—she’d steamrolled me the same way she had Kelly. This was all working out exactly as Colette wanted it to. Something wasn’t making sense; she knew more than she was saying.
“You can go now. I need to get to Pilates.”
I started to push the stool back and stand up. I just wanted to leave. I was close to the edge when I got to the house but this had thrown me over it and I was completely spiraling downward toward the sharp rocks below.
“And, Tay, know that I wanted to support you in this, but the house made this decision together. Also, the board of the children’s hospital has been on our ass about resolving this issue. We needed to take action as soon as possible. The scandal is not good for our relationship with them. I didn’t want this to get out, but they’ve threatened to cut ties with our chapter and cancel the gala. We need that partnership. You understand that, don’t you?”
I stared at her, then at the salad. I could hear the words coming out of Colette’s mouth, and I knew what I wanted to say, but in that moment, I didn’t have the power to say much of anything. I was totally out of my body, watching myself from a distance.
“Okay, Colette. You know what’s best for Beta Zeta.”
“Taking responsibility for your actions is the true sign of a BZ. Thanks for understanding.”
“I’ll . . . I’ll see you later,” I said as I walked toward the front door.
I stood on the front steps of the house for a few seconds trying to catch my breath. I thought about Jonah and how right he was in telling me not to join this sorority in the first place. I’d thrown myself into this fire.
I stuffed the resignation letter into my bag without looking at it and just started running as fast as I could. I just ran and ran and when I finally looked up I was standing at the River and it was starting to snow. I kept running along the River toward Frat Row, all the while hoping that Jack would be home. Dinner had been a disaster; I just needed him to hug me right now.
When I arrived at the Omega Sig house, I was freezing. I could see that there were a bunch of guys hanging out watching TV in the living room on the first floor. But the door was locked. It was never locked.
“Hello?!” I yelled as I knocked. I pushed the doorbell frantically but it was broken. “HELLO!! It’s Taylor. Is Jack there, please?
“I can see you guys. This really isn’t funny. Can you please answer the door? It’s fucking freezing out here.”
Nothing.
“Haha. Okay, guys.”
I could see Dave, who’d come with us on the boat trip, coming down the stairs.
“Dave! It’s Taylor! Can you open the door?”
He pretended not to see me.
“What the fuck? Hello?”
I sat down on the steps to the house, took out my phone, and called Jack. He picked up right away.
“Hey.” I could tell from the somber tone of his voice that this was not going to be fun.
“Hey, what’s up? I’m at your house right now. In front of it, actually,” I replied in my best attempt at sounding normal.
“I know. Listen . . .”
Silence. Then a deep breath.
“Jack,” I started in, “I need to say I’m sorry for how I acted the other night, but whatever you think is going on, you need to hear me out . . .”
“Taylor. Stop. It doesn’t matter.”
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter? What doesn’t matter?”
“I really like you, Tay. And that’s why this whole situation is so fucked. You know?”
“No, Jack. I don’t know. Can you please tell me what’s going on?”
“My house is just coming under too much heat from this. It’s like a lot of negative attention right now. This thing has gone viral, Tay. Everyone is saying it’s you in that video.”
“Yes. I know this. But it’s not,” I said as tears started streaming down my cheeks.
“It doesn’t really matter at this point if it’s you or if it isn’t. The world thinks that it’s you and my brothers just aren’t comfortable with us dating at this point.”
“I’m sorry, what? Your brothers aren’t comfortable? Your fucking brothers? You think I’m comfortable with this whole thing, Jack?”
“I can’t be with you anymore. We need to break up. At least for a while, until this thing cools down. I’m sorry.”
I could tell from the way Jack was talking that he had been coached. Coming here was a mistake. “You know what, Jack? I think y
our brothers are right. They definitely know what’s best for you, you fucking child. Honestly, I’m mostly disappointed in myself for wasting my time with such a fair-weather, piece-of-shit boyfriend. I thought you’d be bigger than this.”
“I told you on our first date how important this house is to me.”
“Oh God, suck a dick.”
I hung up and sobbed into my hands, no longer caring who saw me. It was all too much. After a while I looked up at the snow coming down on the road. I had to go figure how to save the rest of my life. I stood up and walked back down the path toward my dorm. I heard someone from inside the house yell “SLUT!” as I left.
20.
NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS DO CRAZY SHIT SOMETIMES
I took out my phone, fighting more tears, and called Jonah. It rang until I got his voice mail. In a daze I found my way to Briggs Dining Hall and the next thing I knew I was sitting at a corner table, mouth-first in an enormous bowl of frozen yogurt—yogurt that I’d gotten from a machine that was generously donated to the university by Colette’s dear father.
I started to cry. Again.
I was a girl, sitting alone in a college dining hall, eating fro-yo with Cap’n Crunch topping and crying hysterically. I was officially a real sorority girl. At least for the next twenty-four hours, until I tendered my resignation.
My phone started to ring. I hoped it was Jonah, but I was happy to see that it was Kelly. She’d been in New York over the past few days visiting Jessica and interviewing for some jobs. We’d spoken briefly when the video first came out, and I’d told her that I was “fine” and I was “handling it.” But now that things had gotten out of control I needed Kelly more than ever.
“Hi,” I said quietly.
“Are you crying?” she asked, slightly surprised.
“Yes.”
“It’s gonna be okay. I mean, it wasn’t you,” Kelly said calmly and assuredly. “Start from the beginning and tell me everything that has happened over the past three days. Don’t skip one offensive detail. And can I just say, I think this whole thing is disgusting and I’m sorry.”
I walked Kelly through it all. The basement, the Facebook friend requests, the media, the dirty looks, Colette’s letter, Jack, and everything else I could remember.
“I’m sorry, Tay. It sounds like a complete nightmare. We’ll find a way to get you out of this.”
“I don’t think there is a way out of this.”
“Stop. You have to think positively. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“So Colette wasn’t present when Meg and Kenadie first showed everyone the video?”
“No. Why?”
“I’m trying to figure out exactly what’s going on here. Just let me ask some questions and then we can get this all straightened out.”
“Okay,” I replied. Something about Kelly’s confident tone made me feel so much better. For the first time in days, I felt like someone might be able to help me fix this thing.
“So Meg texts you, you go into the house and then to the basement, watch the video, get locked up all night, leave the house, and you never see Colette?”
“Correct.”
“That’s a little weird.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, have you ever known Colette to not be involved in something about the house? Last year she’d barely let me send out a chapter email without her proofreading it first. It doesn’t strike you as odd that a Beta Zeta sex video comes out and Colette’s nowhere to be found?”
“No, you’re right. It’s definitely weird.”
“Something else is going on here, Tay. This is not adding up. Colette just disappears and then reappears with a resignation letter with your name on it?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“No. This is her. Colette is behind this somehow.”
“That’s what I’m starting to think. But what am I supposed to do, Kel? She’s a kingpin and the video is everywhere.”
“Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be? People love this kind of shit. Colette knows that better than anyone. She’s pinning this on you. I can just feel it.”
“But why? You already paid the dues for last year. Can’t she just leave me alone?”
“Well, maybe she’s hiding something else. Maybe there’s something else going on here that we don’t know about.”
“Fuck! I don’t know what to do.” I welled up.
“Just hang tight. Let me think about this some more and I’ll call you later.”
“Thank you, Kelly.”
“You don’t need to thank me, babe. I’m probably the reason you’re in this mess to begin with.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too, Tay.”
As I hung up the phone it occurred to me that almost everyone in the dining hall was staring at me and whispering to their friends. Maybe I was just used to it by now, or maybe I was slightly relieved from my conversation with Kelly, but I wasn’t really bothered.
“Taylor,” I heard someone say from behind me. I turned to see that girl Sarah I’d met at orientation. The same girl I’d had coffee with who told me all those crazy/terrifying hazing stories.
“Hi. Oh my God, Sarah. How are you?”
“I’m fine, how are you?”
“I’m okay. I mean, I’m kind of a mess,” I said forcing a smile, “It’s been a long fucking week.”
“You mean ’cause you blew all those guys and they filmed it?”
“That’s definitely part of it.” I smiled and got up to leave. I didn’t feel like dealing with this.
“Fuck ’em.”
“Fuck who?”
“All these ASSHOLES,” Sarah said loudly, gesturing to a table of bitchy-looking girls who were clearly staring right at us. “They all WISH they could suck that much dick. They’re just haters. It’s your body and you can do whatever you want with it. Who are they to judge?” she continued, speaking directly to them.
“Sarah. I really appreciate your very modern and nonjudgmental approach to my current predicament. But it’s not necessary. It’s not me in the video.”
“Um, it’s not?”
“Swear.”
“It really looks like you.”
“I guess it does.”
“People are saying it’s you.”
“I know. But it’s not.”
“Oh, fuck. Really?”
“Swear on my unborn children.”
“Oh my God. Ew! Then who is it? I thought you had to be a pledge to get those shorts or something?”
“I don’t know. But I need to figure it out, like now. One of the older sisters wants me to admit guilt publicly and then resign because of this whole thing.”
“Wow. What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“Is it that girl Colette?”
“Yeah, you know her?”
“Not really but I’ve heard things.”
“From who?”
“I’m kinda friends with this girl from your chapter who I sit with in chem lab. Kenadie?”
“I know Kenadie. She said something about Colette?”
“Well, she came to class one morning right after break, still drunk from the night before, and went on and on about what a shitty friend Colette was, and how bossy she can be.”
“That sounds about right.”
“You know she’s still a virgin?”
“Um . . . yeah. Ostensibly.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it. Sarah, thanks so much for coming over here and talking to me like I’m a normal human being.” I gathered my coat and my bag.
“You are normal, even if it was you in that video. Normal human beings do crazy shit sometimes. One time I let this guy dress up as SpongeBob SquarePants while we had sex.”
“Okay, wow. Yeah, thanks for sharing. And I agree, we’re way too judgmental of other people’s lives. You seeing me as normal is a big deal right now. I see you as norma
l too.”
“That’s like the sweetest thing another girl has ever said to me.”
I gave Sarah a hug and started walking toward the door of the dining hall.
“Oh! Taylor!” Sarah called out, running toward me. “Um, if you happen to see Kenadie . . . will you tell her that I should have her money by the end of the week?”
“Okay? Not sure she’s going to want to talk to me at this point, but if I see her I’ll give her the message.”
“Just say it’s Sarah from chem.”
“What’s the money for? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“For Adderall, obvi.”
“I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“Yeah, there are like four of us in class that buy from her. I assumed all you Beta Zeta girls bought from her too.”
“Oh . . . no, I didn’t know.”
“What?! Yeah, her prices are so cheap ’cause supposedly she orders it in bulk from some online generic prescription sites in Brazil or something? I don’t know, I just heard that.”
“Oh . . . my . . . God!” It was like I’d been in a dark room and Sarah flipped on the light switch.
“What?”
“Those evil bitches,” I said. How had I not seen it until now?
“You okay?” Sarah asked. “What bitches? Kenadie?”
“This makes perfect sense,” I said. “Thank you, Sarah. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
A million thoughts were running through my head: BZs were still selling Adderall. Colette must’ve been dealing this whole time. But she’s having Kenadie do all the dirty work this year. Kelly was right, there was something else going on here. Colette freaked out when she realized I knew about last year—she still had something to lose, so she just put my name out there as the girl in the video. This whole time I thought Colette cared about what the school said and thought about her, but I was wrong. It’s not about reputation. She’s a businesswoman, and I was the one with the power to fuck with everything that she’d built. Holy shit! She wasn’t just trying to drag my name through the mud, she was trying to get rid of me.
Jonah had called twice and I texted him to meet me at his dorm room. I was coming over with big news.
I sat on Jonah’s bed for a few moments and explained what had happened at the Omega Sig house, and how Jack was the biggest asshole on the planet. Then I went on about what Sarah had told me and what it meant.