He’d fallen so hard for the man standing in front of him, desperate to convince everyone how awful he was. How broken. But Rick knew another side. He connected with the part that made jokes and listened to the truth about his dad. The guy who ran his fingers through his hair and talked to him about his fears when he thought Rick was asleep.
The truth. It all came down to that. Win or lose.
Rick bit back the bile rushing up his throat. He’d dissect this choice a million times later but now it was the only answer. “It was me.”
Seth eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”
God, he had to say it again. Explain it. Rick wasn’t sure he could find the strength for that.
“The bad intel on that assignment years ago. The peace worker.” The photos flipped through his head. The noise on that video feed. “That was all me.”
Seth stepped back as he shook his head. “I don’t—”
“Yeah, you do. Think it through. I was there.”
His voice grew more distant and his eyes turned glassy. “No, I know every face…you didn’t—”
Rick could no longer dodge the horror or hide behind a file and a top secret name. “I assessed the danger and the scouting reports. I had the contacts. I marched you and your team into that jungle on a rescue mission and only you came out.”
Emotion drained from his face. Seth wore a mask of pure fury now. “What the fuck are you saying?”
“I’m not perfect, Seth. The one time I needed to be, I messed up and nearly got you killed.”
The words slammed into Seth with the force of a car. He wanted to push them away and go back to pretending Rick didn’t matter to him, that leaving Munich wouldn’t tear him apart.
But this.
This was the nightmare. The thing that haunted every single day of his life. The one time he followed the rules with precision and ignored his gut. The people he couldn’t save and would always carry with him.
Rick did that to him.
Anger roared through Seth. “Damn you. I questioned the intel. I knew it was wrong. Wrong location and wrong information on the number of people holding her. It didn’t match the movements I was seeing.”
“I know. Now.” Rick’s voice stayed even.
Seth hated that the most. Wanted to hate Rick. “You insisted.”
“That was all me. My mistake. My contacts…it doesn’t matter.” Rick shook his head. “I thought I was right and feeding you what you needed, but then I watched the video through the helmet cam.”
“You watched? Big fucking deal. I lived it.” Seth grabbed Rick by the shirt and slammed him into the wall. Pulled back and did it again. Watched his head smack against the concrete. Saw him wince. “I should kill you.”
“Listen to me.” Rick’s hands came up.
Seth pushed away before Rick could touch him. “That was the worst day of my life.” The memories ran like a movie in his head now. He’d blocked some but they all came rushing back in vivid detail. “I stood on a sidewalk and watched a car run over my brother when I was a kid, and that day, those minutes that dragged on forever because of you, were the fucking worst.”
Seth never talked about his brother. Never mentioned any of this to anyone ever. He’d told Rick pieces. Mentioned his brother and his parents and how he was their consolation prize.
Rick dredged up every horrible thing and made him relive it. Seth hated him for that. “I can still see their faces and smell the blood.”
“Me, too.”
“No. Stop.” Seth took a step forward and shoved with all his might against Rick’s chest. He wanted to pound him. To hurt him. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to act like the survivor. That was me.” Seth’s voice broke. “And you walked into that club in Berlin looking for me but never told me the truth? You are shit.”
Rick shook his head as he stepped forward. “I didn’t know back then.”
No. He refused to believe it. Seth held out a hand to keep Rick back. “Don’t lie to me.”
“I knew your name on the mission. You didn’t give it to me in the club. There was no way for me to put that together. Not until I had the file of the bodyguard who was coming to help and then you walked into the consulate.”
“You make it sound simple, but—”
“I never knew your face back then. You know how this works. The camera was on…the other guy during that mission and your identities were kept under wraps.”
Rage swallowed up everything now. Every good memory and every touch. “Dane. The camera was on Dane. Say his fucking name.”
“Dane Winthrop. Richard Pike. Virginia Andrews.” Rick read the list off without missing a beat.
The sure way he spoke had Seth gasping. He needed air and a ticket out of Munich. “Am I supposed to be impressed?”
“Don’t you get it? I didn’t know you were the guy from the club until you walked into my office with Helena standing right there.”
Not good enough. “And?”
“What do you want me to say? Because I will say it. I will do anything.”
But it didn’t work that way. This was not a slate they could just wipe clean.
God, how could he not see the betrayal? Seth could practically taste it. “We have been all over each other, slept together, had sex and eaten meals. Hell, Rick, I have been inside you so many times.”
“I get it.”
The quick agreement just made him angrier. “Do you? You told me about Kentucky and your parents but you skipped this? This bit of shared history?”
“I’m telling you now.”
“Aren’t you a hero.
“Seth, please listen to me.”
“Fuck you, Rick.” Seth backed away. He tried to remember where his bag was then decided he didn’t care. “Really. Fuck you.”
He headed for the door. Fury blinded him, but he somehow managed to walk.
Rick called out to him. “Where are you going?”
He had the nerve to sound angry. Seth had no idea why he thought that was okay. “As far away from you as possible.”
“You’re running.”
He spun around and looked at Rick one last time. “Hey, you wanted to convince me you weren’t perfect. Well, congratulations. Now I know you’re not.” He wanted to twist the knife. Make this really burn. “And you know what else you’re not? Good enough for me.”
“Okay, look—”
“I’d tell you to stick to the desk job but now I know you suck at that, too.” Seth stepped into the hall. “Enjoy Germany.”
Chapter 27
Twenty-four hours later Seth sat on a private plane as the pilot conducted an inspection. Seth had taken a single seat on one side. Max, Helena and Nathan stayed on the other side. Staring at him.
It was not the most subtle or comfortable moment of his life.
Nathan was the first to actually say anything. “You look like shit.”
“Whatever.” Seth looked out the window. He’d stare until the engines roared to life then he’d pretend to sleep.
Not that he’d actually be able to. Not if last night was any indication. He’d sat at a bar then lain wide awake on a hotel bed. That was the sum total of his last day in Munich. Even doing that much almost killed him. Standing up walking around…it all hurt.
Nathan whistled. “He’s in love.”
The words skidded across his nerves. “Shut up.”
He was filled with hate and regret. New surges of guilt over the past rose up and pummeled him. He felt beaten and bruised. He’d survived the fire at the house only to be thrown into a new one.
It was all Rick’s fault. He did this. He found an open wound and ripped it raw. Forget the hurt on his face and in his voice. He deserved this. Anytime Seth got hit with a pang of regret, he reminded himself that Rick brought all of this on by not talking.
“I don’t hear an actual denial on the love thing,” Nathan said.
Seth ignored his best friend, just as he’d done all night and all day. He didn’t want
the advice or the jokes. He didn’t want to feel anything.
“When do we take off?” he asked Helena.
She sat in her plush seat drinking something that looked a lot like champagne. “When I say so.”
Of course she would side with Rick.
He turned to his immediate boss. A man he depended on. “Max?”
“She’s in charge.”
Everything about this day and this country sucked. Maybe it wasn’t fair to blame Germany, but Seth couldn’t imagine coming back. All the good memories had morphed into pain.
Even thinking about eggs made him want to smash them.
“Fine.” Seth slouched down in his seat and closed his eyes. “Wake me up when we land.”
For a few minutes they all stayed quiet. A seat would creak now and then and a seatbelt jingled. Then Seth heard shuffling and thought they may have found cards. Glasses clinked together. It was like a fucking celebration.
Seth refused to open his eyes. He tried not to listen. When his thoughts turned to Rick and that face, he tried to blank them out. To call up his anger. But the fresh surge had died down. With every thought of Rick the betrayal got a little bit further away.
That just proved to Seth that he needed to leave. This was loneliness or adrenaline burn off. Something easily explainable.
“I can’t blame him for pissing around.” Nathan let out a long exaggerated sigh. “Rick is an asshole.”
Helena made a humphing noise. “I always liked him.”
“Please.” This time Nathan scoffed. “He has that kind of intel and doesn’t share it. They screw like bunnies and that topic never comes up? That’s an asshole move.”
“You’re probably right,” Max said.
Seth could almost see them all. He knew they wanted his attention. He refused to give it to them except to yell a bit. “Less talking.”
But he did open his eyes. Didn’t turn his head. No, he was too busy willing the plane to move. They needed to get in the air and out of there.
Helena reached into the cabinet next to her seat and pulled out another glass. “This is going to be a long flight.”
She held one out across the aisle. Seth shook his head.
Max laughed. “We could leave him here.”
“Not in this mood.” Nathan played with the cards. Shuffled and reshuffled.
Helena picked that moment to stand up. “Gentlemen, enough. Seth figured out Rick wasn’t his thing and moved on.”
Nathan froze. “His thing?”
“He had the same reaction to Elizabeth and what was the name of the woman before her?” Max nodded as he reached for the deck and took a turn moving the cards around for no reason. “His file also references some guy named Todd.”
Now that pissed him off. Seth had no choice but to speak up on that point. “Stop putting details of my love life in my file.”
He also hated how they lumped Elizabeth and Rick into the same category. What he’d felt for Rick had been much stronger. It consumed him. Now he hoped it would fade away. And soon.
Helena turned around and looked at him. “Sex.”
The word didn’t make sense. Either that or he’d lost control of the conversation, which was really possible with this group. “What?”
“Sex life…or have you been in love?” She stood right by the door to the cockpit and stared at him.
Seth could feel the dare in her voice. She was trying to challenge him and he did not have the will or the strength to play along. “I’m not doing this.”
He tried to curl into the window but the seatbelt dug into his side. He shifted and stretched out his legs. None of it helped.
“Hey.” Max raised his voice and he rarely did that. “She’s in charge.”
The guy could be as pissed off as he wanted. Seth was pretty sure no one could beat him at that game today. “Not of my personal life.”
“I still think he uses sarcasm to hide his true feelings.”
Seth’s gaze shot to Nathan. He hit him with his best I’m-done glare. “I’m going to shoot you.”
He smiled back. “And violence.”
Helena continued to watch Seth from the front of the plane. “On second thought, maybe Rick was lucky you dumped him.”
“I didn’t…” This was not worth the fight. “Please shut up.”
But something in her tone had Seth sitting up straighter. Sure, it was some new stupid tactic and it wouldn’t work, but still…
“They weren’t compatible anyway.”
“Because Rick’s an asshole?” Seth thought he’d just get in that one last shot.
Helena moved down the row and sat on the armrest of the first seat. “He’s not an asshole. Stop with that.”
“He hid stuff from Seth,” Max said.
“You have to admit that was a dick move.” Nathan shuffled again and managed to drop two cards on the floor. “Clearly unforgivable.”
Helena crossed her legs. One foot flipped around in the air. “Technically, I told him not to say anything.”
Seth’s shoulders fell. He should have known. Of course she was behind this. “Why?”
“I knew you’d lose it and I needed you focused on the assignment.”
“Damn.” Nathan winced. “That’s not bloodless or anything.”
Helena didn’t break eye contact with Seth. “I couldn’t afford to lose Rick.”
“Because he’s so special?” Seth tried to sound sarcastic but the words didn’t come out that way. They stayed in his head and sounded right.
He hated that.
Helena shrugged. “He’s the best man I know.”
Max looked up. “Hey!”
She held up a hand. “Best man I’m not sleeping with.”
Nathan downed the glass of liquor in front of him. “Should we be listening to this part?”
“He was handed a shit deal. His parents—”
“I know. Skip the excuses.” Seth didn’t want to hear them. He certainly didn’t want them in his head. When they weaseled their way in his anger lessened. Not that a bad upbringing was an excuse, but the idea that that’s where Rick started and how far he came…yeah, Seth didn’t want to dwell on any of that.
“Then you also know no one ever handed him anything. He grew up first in a combat zone then in a petri dish.” A twinge of anger moved into Helena’s voice. “And he thrived.”
“Except for the part where he’s a liar and didn’t tell Seth what he needed to know.”
Helena ignored Nathan’s comment and focused on Seth. “He told you as soon as the mission ended and you two could talk about personal things.”
“Then you bolted. Or did you talk it through?” Max turned to face Seth.
“He ran,” Nathan added. “Maybe you are the asshole.”
The pile-on had started. Seth expected it from Helena. She was invested. But Nathan? And Max?
They spoke about Rick like they knew him. They said things Seth once said and thought. The things he wanted to forget so he could hold on to the fury and hide behind it.
Helena leaned forward now. “The guy you lived with and got to know? Charming and smart, loyal and decent. That’s who he’s always been. That’s who I recruited and I waited for him to change, but he didn’t.”
“He’s good at not doing things.” It was one last shot, but Seth didn’t like how it sounded as soon as it was out there.
Helena got up then. She walked down the aisle until she stood right next to Seth’s seat. “I was standing next to him when your assignment went sideways. No one in that room tried harder to get you out of there.”
“I got me out of there.” But even Seth could hear that the punch had gone out of his voice.
They all rallied around Rick. Talked him up. It should sound like bullshit but none of it did. It all matched how he felt about Rick, except for the lie. The not telling. And even then, through all the shouting, Rick hadn’t lied. He’d actually told the story to prove he wasn’t perfect.
“You think tho
se fighters just happened to show up? He set them in motion and with record speed.” She was on a roll now. When Seth tried to stop her, she talked right over him. “He was told to stand down and risked jail to work behind the scenes to move you across two borders and get you out.”
Nathan whistled again. “Damn.”
“He thinks he almost destroyed you, but truth is, he would have done anything to save you.” Helena tapped her fingernails against the top of Seth’s seat. “I bet if you would have let him he would have spent a lifetime proving that to you.”
The facts rolled together in Seth’s head. Rick had sat in an office and done his job with the information he had. It sounded like he fought even harder when that failed. He hadn’t mentioned that part. He hadn’t used that favorable information to make himself look better.
Seth thought back to his expression. How he stood there and took it, even when he got pushed around.
God, the things he said. Seth didn’t even want to think about those. Anger had filled him and rained over every part of that room. He hadn’t been able to call it back because he’d buried it all so deep. Once it was out, it blew.
He looked out the window and thought about not seeing Rick again. About the last minutes they’d spent together.
His stomach flipped.
Yeah, enough of this. He fumbled with the seatbelt, twisting it and pulling on it until it opened. “Let me off the plane.”
“You had your shot.” She returned to her chair. “We’re about to take off.”
All that fury and unspent anger found a new home. Desperation welled inside him and he fought not to compound one mistake with a new one. “Helena, I’m not joking. Shut this down.”
She waved him off. “We have a flight plan and a schedule.”
He’d beg. That was clearly what she wanted. He needed to get used to it anyway, because Rick should make some demands as well.
Seth stood up. “Let me off the fucking plane. Now.”
He didn’t budge. When she looked him up and down with that frown on her face, he stood there and took it. The sounds of the private airport washed over them. Engines in the distance and the smell of jet fuel. It all waited there as Helena drank her damn champagne.
After a few sips she lowered her glass and reached for the small button near her seat. She pressed it and the intercom turned on. “We have one getting off.”
Guarding Mr. Fine (Tough Love #2) Page 23