by Castile, Mia
“Do you want to dance?” Henry asked, leaning into me so I could hear over the music. He had chosen to stand right in front of a speaker.
“Maybe in a few minutes,” I answered. “Do you maybe want to go somewhere alone, so we can, I don’t know, talk?” He looked at me strangely for a moment and then smiled like he understood, but he didn’t. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Chase move across the crowd.
“Where did you have in mind?” Henry asked. I was distracted now, though, Chase had stepped in front of Bea and was talking to her. She gave him her signature annoyed look, but then it softened and she smiled at him widely. “You guys used to date, didn’t you?” Henry asked, his gaze following mine to Chase overtly flirting with Bea. We watched as he glanced across the party to me, while saying something to her, and then put his attention back on her, touching her arm.
“Yes,” I said without thinking and then retracted, “I mean, no.” Confusion slammed into my brain. What was he doing? He didn’t like her; he even said that given the choice, he’d pick me all day long. What had happened to that? And, for that matter why was it making me so angry?
“Well, which is it?” I could still feel Henry’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t take mine away from Chase and Bea.
“Huh, what? No. We have only ever been just friends,” I said distractedly. Then I turned to face him, but he was looking at me differently. Almost like I had told him I just wanted to be friends, or that I liked someone else. “Can we just go somewhere and talk, please?” I pleaded. He looked at me, debating, and I think he was about to agree when Bea stepped up beside us. Chase had turned and was leaving through the gate.
“Who does your hair? I could never get my curls to look that good,” she said overly fake as she interrupted us.
“No one, I just style it,” I said, annoyed. I pleaded with my eyes to Henry. We could leave right then.
“And this color, it’s wow—is that natural?” she continued, fingering a curl.
“Natural, excuse me, if you don’t mind,” I said as pulled my curl loose from her hand and took Henry’s hand at the same time. I passed her and began to lead him out of the party.
“Oh, I do,” she growled, shoving both of her hands into my hair and tearing it from the pins. I screamed as my own hair came out with the wig. She pulled me backwards with such force my hand was ripped from Henry’s while he looked on in horror. Then that look changed from horror to recognition and finally from recognition to astonishment.
“You?” Everyone stopped talking, laughing, singing, and dancing. The DJ stopped spinning. The only noise was Henry saying, “You?” I pushed the hair that had fallen out of the bun off my face.
“Let me explain—” I began.
“All this time, it was you?” Then he looked away blankly at the pool. “Everything—” he started, but he didn’t finish. I knew what he was thinking of, the video chat, all the conversations, the almost-kiss between us, the actual kiss between Chase and me, like he said, everything. Bea stood there smugly, smiling at him triumphant. He looked around the party. His cheeks puckered in a blush, and then he looked at me again.
“BBBBBBBBAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” The next thing I knew, Derrick Chandler was roaring a war cry and running across the yard. He grabbed me around my waist and leapt into the pool. The last thing I saw before I took a deep breath and closed my eyes was Bea tossing the wig into the pool, too.
Chapter 28
I sink, holding my breath for as long as I can. I replay the entire past two months in my mind as I sit at the bottom of the pool for a matter of seconds, though it feels like hours, like an eternity. My lungs begin to burn, and I realize I can’t stay down here forever.
I surface, reach my wig, and humbly swim to the edge of the pool. All eyes are still on me except for two. I search for Henry, but he’s gone. Derrick climbs out from behind me and instantly begins high-fiving his friends.
Bea stalks around the pool, grabs my arm, and turns me to her. I brace myself, looking down. “You thought you were SO smooth. You’re just pathetic.” I look up defiantly into her victorious eyes.
“I wouldn’t have had to go to the trouble if I wasn’t made to feel like I wasn’t good enough, every day.”
“Good enough? You’re NOT. This proves it, so you can’t blame your multiple personality problems on us. You and your sister should both be locked up. Psychos,” she says as she waves her hands around the crowd that now engulfs me.
“Maybe I’m not good enough for you, but I don’t want to be either.” Everything was my fault. I turn and walk away, leaving a soggy path behind me.
I go out the side gate and slip off my heels. As I round the house, I see Chase with his arms crossed, leaning against his car. I speed up my pace. I don’t want to hear anything he has to say.
“Are you OK?” he asks, watching me closely.
“You couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you?” I walk past him, but he doesn’t move.
“Do you need a ride home? I have a blanket in the trunk you can sit on.” I take a deep breath, turn, and get in his face. His eyes lock into mine, and I speak so low and so calm it scares me.
“You promised me. You said you wouldn’t tell my secret. You lied. I’d rather walk barefoot on broken glass over a volcano than accept a ride from you,” I say. I step away from him. His eyes betray his hurt in a blink; then they steel into the vacant distant look he’s perfected.
“Suit yourself,” he says softly as I turn and begin walking toward home again. “You never needed that wig. You’re perfect as you.” I stumble, but continue down the sidewalk, away from him.
When I arrive home, my parents are out back on the patio. They’re talking in hushed tones. I assume they are talking about Lana. I sneak up to my room and strip out of my wet clothes. I turn on the water for a bath, adding Epsom salts and bubbles. I climb in and almost immediately sink below the surface. I want to disappear, but I can’t escape. There is nowhere to escape, only places and people to face.
After my bath, I go to my blinds and peek through to look at Henry’s window. His light is on, but the blinds are closed. In all my years of nonexistence to him, he’d never thought to close his blinds. Now, they are closed. I go to my computer and delete Farrah’s profile, email, and phone number as tears slide silently down my cheeks. After that, I flop face first on my bed. Sleep finds me early in the morning hours after I toss and turn. I ignore all the messages from my friends asking me if I am OK. I am not. I will never be OK.
The next morning I face the wrath of my mother. Again. She found her wig in my bathroom as she put away my clothes before I woke up. She throws it across my face, stinging my skin with the still-wet hair and my nose with the chlorine.
“I’ve been looking for this for two months,” she complains.
“I’ve had it,” I say.
“I see that. And you ruined it.”
“I’ll replace it.” I roll over and pull the blankets over my head.
“You’ll do more than that. You’re grounded. For a month. No car. No computer. No video games. You can only go see your sister and that’s it. You just lost your summer, too, little girl. What were you thinking?” I know she is punishing me for more than just ruining her wig, but it is her excuse to make it right, I guess.
I take a shower and get ready to go see Lana. My dad hugs me as I go out the door and whispers that he will talk to my mom about my punishment. I just shrug. I would accept whatever they decided I deserve. As I exit the front door, Chase pulls up. He gets out of his car and leaves it running. He jogs around his car and meets me at the bottom of the stoop.
“Are you going to see Lana now?” he asks out of breath.
“Yeah,” I say.
“Can you give her this? Your dad said she couldn’t see anyone but family. Tell her I hope she feels better soon. I don’t want her to think I forgot about her.” I nod at his thoughtfulness. “OK, I’ll see you around then,” he says, backing away from me, his eyes on mine. I nod, still
numb. “OK,” he says again as he jumps into his car and drives away. Why is he so. . . so. . . so. . . weird?
I stand in the doorway to her hospital room. Lana sleeps, and I don’t want to disturb her. I just watch her lying there. Her arms are wrapped in white gauze up to her elbows. She has an IV in her left hand, and the only sound I hear is its constant drip. I’m not sure if she senses me here or just happens to wake up on her own, but she opens her eyes and turns to look at me. It takes her a minute to recognize me, but she does and begins raising the head of her bed so that she can sit up.
“Some girls will do anything to get out of school,” I say, offering her a weak smile.
“Hey,” she replies in a scruffy morning voice.
“How are you feeling?” I ask.
“Better” is her simple response. I still hover in the doorway, afraid to come in, though I’m not quite sure why. I don’t know if she is angry with me or grateful, if she blames me or wishes I’d done something sooner. She has had time to think since we talked on Friday; maybe she’s changed her mind. I’ve never been so unsure of anything. “Come in and sit down,” she says, pointing to a chair beside her bed. I do. “They’re shipping me off for six weeks.” She looks at her hands in her lap.
“I know,” I acknowledge softly.
“I think it will be good to get away.”
“Maybe. You need to talk to someone about what happened.” She flinches a little. “Besides me. I’m still going to be here for you, no matter what. That’s what sisters do.” I offer her my most encouraging smile. She returns a weaker version to me. “And when you come back, you will be stronger and more beautiful, inside and out. You won’t hide anymore, right?” I ask.
“OK.” She nods, determination glittering in her eyes.
“I’m going to come visit you every chance I can,” I tell her, being brave for her.
“They are going to let me take my finals so that I can move on with my class too, though I’m not completely sure I want to. No one besides Mom and Dad, and now you has come to see me. Not even Chase.”
“That’s because Mom and Dad restricted your visitors to family only. Chase sent you this.” I reach into my bag and grab the note he’d given me. “He said he hopes you get better soon.” Her face lights up, and I realize what he means to her now that he’s rescued her. Her expression freezes, and she watches me for a minute.
“You know I don’t like him like him, right?” Confused, I just narrow my eyes, but she continues. “Because he doesn’t like me like that, and he’s too old for me.” She is using my words against me, but I still don’t know why she’s telling me this. “Just so you know,” she adds, as she opens her letter and reads it. But I don’t know what she means at all.
Chapter 29
As I drive to school on the last Monday of my sophomore year, dread boils at the back of my throat. My dad has talked my mom out of grounding me. She still isn’t talking to me though. I might punish me too if I were her. I am grateful to have the weekend as a buffer before the last week of school. My hope is that it will blow over like the panty incident, like the bikini incident, like everything else seemed to do. I have finals to focus on and desperately need the excitement from the party to wear off. My friends meet me by the front door, Tasha running and engulfing me in a gigantic hug. Jade is a little slower to our side, but she squeezes in too.
“If I’d have known—” Tasha begins but soon presses her lips together.
“No one could have known,” I reply, leaning my forehead against hers, reassuring her.
“Well, Chase…” Jade trails off as she looks toward the parking lot. We both follow her gaze, and there is Chase sauntering toward the entrance. Giving Lana a thoughtful note doesn’t change the fact that he betrayed me. I trusted him, I gave him my friendship, but he is an opportunist.
“It’s too bad too,” I finished my train of thought out loud, as I stare hard at him. He meets my gaze with a wink and head nod. Jerk.
We go in, and it seems as though the roar that normally surrounds us hums to a white noise as soft as a whisper. I feel my cheeks prickle with the blood rushing to my face. My hands begin to shake. This most definitely is not a buffered Monday. We separate, and I go to my locker get my books for my first class. I look down the hall and spot Henry strolling toward me with a larger than normal group of his alternative skater friends. Our eyes meet, and he holds my gaze until he passes. Then he laughs at something Bryon says. I will never say something that makes him laugh like that again. I watch him until he turns the corner. Then, wanting to disappear, I bang my head against my locker.
I spend finals with my head down and focus on my facts. By the time the last day of school arrives, I am ready never to see these people again. They say the punishment should fit the crime, but in my opinion, kids are cruel. Chase tries to talk to me a few times, but I always manage to escape him. The way I avoid Chase, Henry avoids me, not that I am trying to track him down to catch up with him or even explain myself. He made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me. I knew that I was playing a dangerous game. I thought I would be OK with losing him, but if the truth were told, I didn’t think I would lose him. Silly me. So you can imagine my surprise when Wednesday after classes are over and school is dismissed for the summer, I find Henry leaning against my trunk as I approach my car with Jade and Tasha.
“So um, we are going to walk to Jade’s house, and meet up with you later,” Tasha says as she glances from me to Henry. I simply nod, and they turn in the opposite direction toward Jade’s neighborhood.
“Hi.”
He straightens up, and if I were a betting girl, I would say he wears a hopeful smile on his face. But I’m not, so cautiously I say, “Hi.”
Could I bum a ride home?” My eyebrows furrow as I debate whether or not this is a trap of some sort.
“No Byron?”
“Not today. I thought we should talk.” Looking up into his eyes, I melt, and the world disappears except for us.
“OK.” As I turn to unlock the door, Chase drives by slowly. His eyes meet mine. I stand there and something in my heart breaks in that moment. He looks from me to Henry and then straight ahead. Within moments he’s gone, taking a piece of my heart with him. Henry gets in the passenger seat and I start the car.
“Henry I—” “I jus—” we begin at the same time. “Go ahead,” I say.
“I just don’t understand what happened. I go over everything, and now none of it makes any sense.”
“It started as goofing around, and then you liked me, and I was able to just be me, with you.” I’m glad to be driving and not have to hold his eye contact. “There were so many nights that I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid to, afraid of losing you.”
“You made me look stupid,” he says. Then under his breath adds, “Again.”