"Gael, please," she said, falling to a crouch beside him. It was the best way she could to look them in the eye. "I don't understand. Is it because of Yenic?"
Keeping his thighs from quaking proved to be too much, and he ended up sitting on the Moss, his legs outstretched.
"Is the she-beast coming with us?" he asked.
Alaysha followed his gaze to Cai's now standing form, glowering down at Edulph, her arms crossed, fingers tapping on her biceps. Alaysha didn't want to admit that they might need her. Especially not to Gael.
"For now," she said carefully. "Is she what's bothering you?"
"Alaysha," he said, and her heart sank. He never called her by her name, but always with the endearment that she'd come to enjoy from his lips. His hand covered hers where she'd placed it on his leg, and she thought for a moment that he would squeeze it . Then he plucked it off him and placed it delicately in her own lap
"I need you to leave me be," he said.
He might as well have slapped her. She was about to get up, to rush off in embarrassment but she heard the pain in his voice, disguised, yes, but there was pain in it if she listened.
"No," she told him.
He sighed in frustration and before he could speak again, she pressed on. "Where is the Gael of the burnt lands, the one who would swear to help me? Did I offend him somehow? Is it because we found Yenic, because you don't have to be a victim Gael. I won't ask anything of you, if you need to leave because you hate him or hate him and me or hate me, I understand. Only please don't keep me in the dark. Tell me what I've done so I can take my leave of you properly. You've been so good to me, Gael—so good for me. I couldn't bear it if I –"
"You did nothing, witch," he said and in his voice was a growl of anguish. He tried to get up, but seeing him struggle to do so, Alaysha leaned against him, hoping to put him off balance.
"Don't, Gael."
"I failed you, can't you see that?"
"Before? With the Highlanders? No. You're still ill –"
"No. With the Enyalia. In the village."
She thought of the fight with Enud and couldn't imagine why he thought she had been failed. "You were unconscious. I couldn't expect you to save me from Enud."
"No." He nearly bellowed, then lowered his voice when Cai turned around. "No," he said. He met her gaze with panic stricken gray eyes. "I used you, witch. When they came. When I –" he swallowed convulsively, the cords of his throat working to plunge the Adam's apple down. "When they made me rise, I couldn't help myself, and so I used your image, the thought of you, your voice, your touch. I needed you with me in order to bear it, so I wouldn't feel like a weak woman under pillage." He squeezed his eyes closed. "Only now I feel like a traitor because I used you so."
"But you're a man, surely you can't be forced."
His fingers raked through his hair and he laughed harshly. "You heard Cai before. A man is a man and our bodies are bodies. Can I stop my flesh from pimpling when it's cold?"
"Oh, I see," she said and for the first time realized why he felt so tortured. "But Gael, it doesn't matter to me."
He glowered at her. "It matters to me." He stabbed at his chest. "A warrior doesn't fear assault; that's a woman's fear." He ground his heel into his eye. "How could I stand it if I knew I was being taken so without my leave? And so I used you and it sickens me, both of those truths. I ache with disgust for using our one memory, for my weakness."
She knew better than to reach for him. He'd pulled his blade from its sheath and played at the edge. "Now any thought of you is tied to those beasts with tits and my own shame."
"I would have told you to use me, Gael," she whispered. "If I had known. If I couldn't save you and you needed me. I would have told you to use me."
She didn't know what else to say. There was entirely too much truth hanging in the air to pluck and process. She couldn't help him or heal him, but she could tell him her own truth.
"My memory of our night is sweet, and I carry it here." She grabbed his hand and pressed it against her chest so he could feel her heart beat. When he tried to pull it away, she held it there with both hands.
"You need to know that I cherish it," she said and he met her eye finally. The skin around his were red rimmed, his expression drawn. The fatigue showed in every muscle, the pain of his healing revealed its every twitch. But he at least looked at her. She thought she might have broken through, brought him back to the proud warrior he was, that she knew he was.
Then Cai's foot appeared in her peripheral vision and she knew also it appeared in Gael's. His face hardened and he yanked his hand away. The moment died and she doubted it could be re-exhumed. She gave the Enyalian her reluctant attention.
"Does the man need coddling," Cai asked. "Because the shaman of yours has finished with the child."
Even Alaysha detected the mockery in the woman's tone, but to Gael's credit, he didn't respond. He merely worked his way heavily to his feet, and swaying once, picked his way toward Aedus who was holding her niece's hand.
Alaysha saw Cai was again tapping her fingers against her arm.
"You shouldn't goad him, Cai," she said. "And these men are not mine. If you plan to stay with us, you'd do well to remember to be kind."
Cai's mouth twitched. "Why a woman puts such stock in men is beyond me. They're feeble-minded, cock-driven things with no real conscience." She gave her arm with its new circlet a shake and the teeth chattered. "You'd do well to put your trust in women."
"Women like you," Alaysha guessed and Cai squared her shoulders defensively.
"There are no other women like me."
Alaysha couldn't help but chuckle and patted the Enyalian's forearm, being careful to avoid the teeth and the bits of bloody gum that were still attached. "For once, we agree."
"Truly, though," the Enyalian said. "How do you think to proceed? Your large one–"
"Not mine. Gael."
"The large one is unfit because he's not yet healed. This battle could've killed him. Your handsome one –"
"Yenic," Alaysha said patiently.
"The handsome one is too preoccupied with the way the large one steals looks at you, and the shaman is as cunning as a squirrel who forgot where he placed his seeds."
Alaysha sighed. Put like that, these men did sound like a bother. But she knew better.
"And Edulph –"
"You're crafty one –"
"That one is most definitely not mine," Alaysha argued and Cai's russet brow lifted in surprise.
"Well, he isn't. He isn't even ours."
"Even so, that one is as true as a lightning strike."
"What do you propose?" She asked, thinking as she did so that Cai already had a plan and that this preamble was nothing but formality. The Enyalian's heavy arm went round her shoulders and steered her further into the brush. "Let me trail you, unseen, undetected. I can watch from a distance. If your crafty one –"
"Edulph."
"The others are nothing but sick puppies watching for the bitch, but that crafty one lies in wait. Perhaps if he believes himself free of me it won't take so long to discover what he's waiting for."
"And you won't have to be nice to the others if you're out of sight."
"I won't argue that I tire of being in such close company."
"I didn't think you'd ever tire of mocking them."
"You are intuitive, little maga." Cai smiled. "Must I admit to you that I tire of being kind for your sake?"
"You've been being kind?"
She shrugged. "They live, do they not?"
Alaysha gave it thought and realized that for now she did want the woman with them. "I would like it very much if you stayed," she said. "But in the end, I have no hold over you. You are free to travel as you please."
The Enyalian stared at Alaysha, her fingers tapping against her thigh, the teeth encircling her forearm rattling softly. Before Alaysha realized what the woman was planning, she'd leaned down and covered her mouth with her own, a soft sigh
brushing against her lips. Cai's hands gripped Alaysha's shoulders tenderly and squeezed gently, then she pulled back with shuddering breath, her eyes still closed, her expression melted into something Alaysha had never seen on the Enyalian's face.
"You have more power over me then a mere bit of magic, little maga," Cai whispered, and she turned, striding back toward the camp.
It was long moments before Alaysha recovered herself enough to return. She had no doubt that they would have all preferred to see the Enyalian depart—Gael especially. But it meant Alaysha had to be on her guard without her. With both Gael and Bodicca still recovering from their wounds, the only other true help she had would come from Yenic. Edulph would have to be under constant scrutiny. Theron and Aedus would be focused on the child. Seven more sunrises and several more till they reached the Highlands and then what? Better to have the Enyalian a present and visual danger to any who thought to come upon them.
They made camp again, several hours later at a spot Edulph's men had occupied earlier. It was obvious from the still smouldering fire and the gourd of drawn water that someone had thought to leave nearby. Several flat rocks sat beside the fire, black with the charred remains of the last meal. Gael was already huffing from exertion and the girl had roused twice as she lay on Barruch's back. Barruch nicked Alaysha as she went by.
"I know old man," she said, patting his nose. "I promised you a peach."
He whinnied softly and bat at her with his nose.
"OK. I know," she said. "I promised many peaches." She let him graze the short clumps of weeds at the base of a tree.
They all needed a break and sat chewing a meagre fare of mashed nuts and dried apples steeped in water. Bodicca grumbled to herself and eventually went off into the woods, leaving them to stare each other in the hopes that she had gone off to find forage. When she returned, it was with a pheasant, several varieties of mushrooms, and stalks of what smelled like wild onion. She breathed heavily and walked slowly, but it was apparent she was on the mend. By the time she had it stuffed and spitted over the fire, Alaysha's mouth was watering.
Without comment, Bodicca pulled the strips of fowl and passed them around to each. She gave Gael double what she gave Yenic, and Alaysha assumed she understood how much energy it took to heal. Gael bent his head to the fare silently and ate it without thanks.
Dusk crept on them and Alaysha looked around at her companions, assessing each's state of ability. With a sigh, she made a decision.
"I'll take watch," she said, half expecting Gael or Bodicca to argue, but it was Edulph spoke up.
"Why you? You could kill us in our sleep."
"I could have killed you long ago if that was my intent," she told him. "So could we all." She didn't lose sight of the fact that Cai was watching Edulph with a narrowed gaze.
Saying nothing more, Edulph put his hand out to the child and touched her lightly on the hair. Thankfully, she didn't rouse. So far, Aedus's beetles were doing their job well. Alaysha wondered how long it would be before the girl became used to them. She hoped it would work long enough for Theron to figure out how many of his more predictable ghost pipe roots it would take to keep the child sleeping. Edulph leaned over and kissed the child on the hair, eying Alaysha.
"That bit of benevolence was all because you needed to know what I know. Now you have it. I'm in danger unless I have more you need."
Yenic stood and stretched, more Alaysha thought to show Edulph the muscled litheness in his body, the strength beneath the evident fatigue. "We know nothing, Edulph, save that you sired this girl. You volunteer no more."
"Nor do you," Edulph returned slyly and Alaysha stole a glance at Aedus. So, the girl had told her brother of the mistrust Alaysha had for the man she was bound to. Cunning of him, to slip in the mistrust now. She had to remind herself of Edulph's method of operation. His own admission to her that what he lacked in fighting skills, he more than made up for in craftiness and that his craftiness would win every time.
"How did you come to escape the Enyalia, Edulph?" Alaysha asked.
He kissed the girl's hair.
"How did you come to find the girl?"
"I told you, any more information and you'll be done with me."
Cai's voice cut across the fire but with bland unemotional words. "I am done with you two sunrises ago." She smiled and Edulph squirmed.
"Even still," he said, nodding at Alaysha. "That one may have need of certain secrets."
It's true that we all have our secrets," she said to him, but kept Aedus's eye across the firelight until the girl hung her head. "What we keep, we keep for self preservation."
She turned to Theron. "But a time is coming when we will need to be honest with each other and let go the hidden pieces."
Theron shifted his weight and mumbled to himself. Alaysha chose to ignore it.
"Sleep," she said to everyone. "At first light we press on."
She got up and pulled the fur cloak from Barruch's pack and crept away from the fire so she could hear the noises of the forest over the cracking of wood. She found a place in good view and settled down with the cloak wrapped about her shoulders. She suspected Cai would pretend to sleep. Neither Gael nor Bodicca bothered to so much as lean against a tree trunk. Edulph, however, curled next to his daughter, snicking in close. Theron leaned against a tree. Aedus laid her head on her knees.
Some would sleep. Some would not. It was their decision. Yenic rose from his spot next to the fire and made his way to where she sat, Gael's eyes on his back the entire time.
"I wish Gael would sleep," she told Yenic when he settled next to her.
"He's stubborn. And it just might cost him."
"And what about you?"
"I can't let the fire catch me unaware. Best I'm away from it."
"Meaning you're afraid to stare into it."
"And I'd rather catch my rest next to you." He gave her a heart-stopping smile that made her open her cloak to let him in. The darkness, the chill, the scent of him, the fire all reminded her of the time when they'd first met and none of this business had yet happened. But then, she'd still had been a killer. Her father's weapon, and she did as she was bid like any good warrior.
"What did the Enyalian want?" He asked and Alaysha had to force herself not to look in the woman's direction.
"She was tired of being kind to men," she said truthfully.
"Have you given any thought to marking her?"
"Not really, no."
He put his arm around her and pulled her close. "You need an Arm, Alaysha."
"And you don't want it to be Gael."
"I don't want it to be any man."
"But Cai is as good as the man just not without the worry," she guessed and he chuckled very low.
"I'm selfish. She's better than most men, so you'd be protected and well advised."
"And you needn't fear me succumbing to her charms."
"What charms," he laughed, then in further response he kissed her earlobe. "It's possible," he whispered. "You could succumb, but I don't think it likely, so I'm willing to risk it."
"Is it really that strong, then?"
"The connection is magnified, yes."
"But then, you and your mother..."
"That connection is paternal. She wants me even safer than she would have before."
"And you in reverse."
He paused a moment, thinking. "For me, it's complicated."
"How so?"
"She's the first woman I knew. Loved. She's very beautiful." Each sentence he spoke seemed to drag out, to take time to think over. She guessed there truly was more to it than he could explain.
"Indeed she's all of those things, and just as corrupt," she said in answer.
"I have no argument there."
"So this bond –"
"It draws us together in ways that are more powerful than the intimacy of coupling. What you feel, that desire to be closer, that primal need to be inside of each other, the ecstasy of coming close enough tha
t you cry out in agony of never quite making it—that's the sense of it. Maybe not the desire, not for a parent and child, not always. But the drive is there."
"Have you and she –"
He answered quickly, almost shocked and ashamed. "No. Never. But I feel it, Alaysha. And you will too. So will Gael if you mark him."
She pulled his face closer so that she could lay her cheek on his. "I feel that way about you, despite all the mistrust and uncertainty."
His lips touched hers briefly. "Now you know why I'm so tortured. If you mark Gael, you'll understand it even more fully."
"Won't I feel it for Cai?"
"I can compete against a woman like you can compete against a mother."
It wasn't a real answer, but she thought she understood it all the same. "Assuming she agrees," she said of Cai.
"Oh. She'll agree. I can see it in her eyes, in her posture when she looks at you."
"Maybe I don't need an Arm."
"A witch was made to have an Arm and you're too powerful. Not having one might kill you."
"And then your mother will win."
"You don't understand what she wants. She wants you dead as much as Theron wants her dead."
"But Theron doesn't want her dead. He said –"
"He said we need to pull the god from her. I want that too."
The way he said it, the strangeness of his tone made her realize something. "You're afraid for her."
"Because she would pull the goddess from you."
"I'm not sure that's true. I don't feel like a goddess."
"My mother told me she remembered her birth and life before it. She told me that what she had wasn't a life. It was—different."
"I remember nothing. And what I do recall is too painful." She didn't want to admit that she forced everything she didn't like to think about into some dark recess of her memory never to be seen again.
"How do you know what Theron says isn't true, that you're Liliah in the flesh? My mother believes it. Her mother believed it." His voice choked.
"Your family," she said, realizing. "I took their lives. Your sister, your grandmother."
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