by E. L. Todd
Now her smile got bigger. “In that case…”
I held my breath as I waited.
“The first thing I said was…you have a big dick.”
Man, I was hard again. She had been sucking my dick when she said that to me. The image of her on her knees played in my mind all over again. Tears burned in her eyes because her throat was barely big enough to contain me.
“And the second thing I said was…harder.”
I’d definitely have to fuck her before I went to work. “That’s hot.”
“Yeah?” she asked. “I know I came on a little strong. That’s just how I am.”
“And I never want you to change.”
She smiled again before she turned her gaze back to the newspaper.
I watched her now that her gaze was averted. I ate at the same time, enjoying a breakfast that rivaled the stuff we made at Amelia’s Place. That tasted like crap in comparison. This woman was a million times more awesome than I initially thought.
Shit.
I walked into the office, and everyone was already there.
Ace grinned at me. “Nice outfit.”
“Someone had a good time last night,” Cypress teased.
“She was hot,” Bree said. “If I were a dude, I’d date her.”
“I can’t believe I missed it,” Amelia said. “I love my kids, but they really encroach on my personal life.”
I walked to my desk and sat down, but I wasn’t happy like I had been when I first woke up that morning. I crashed—and I crashed hard. “I’m screwed, guys. I’m totally screwed.”
“Why?” Bree asked. “What happened? Did you get in a fight?”
“Is she a psycho?” Ace asked. “Women get that way after sex. Become clingy and shit.”
“Does she have a weird doll collection?” Cypress asked.
They totally had the wrong idea. “No. She’s fucking awesome. She’s absolutely perfect. She’s, like, the perfect woman.”
Cypress’s face fell in confusion. “And that sucks because…?”
“Because you wish she were a freak who was obsessed with dolls?” Ace asked.
“Are you intimidated by a strong, successful woman?” Bree asked incredulously. “Because that’s stupid, Blade.”
Now they were a bunch of idiots. “It sucks because I can’t have her. She was reading a French newspaper this morning. Paris will always be her home, and this place is just a vacation to her. I’m a fling and nothing more. I’ll never be anything more.” I hardly knew this woman, but the more I spent time with her, the more I liked her. But I didn’t want to keep liking her, not when I knew how it would end. She would go back to France for six months and forget about me. When she returned, she might call me up again as a fuck buddy.
But I didn’t want to be a fuck buddy.
“Oh…” Bree’s face fell when she realized my problem was the opposite of her previous assumption.
“Sorry, man,” Cypress said. “That is a bummer.”
“I’ve never had a problem just being a hookup for a woman,” I said. “I’ve been doing it all my adult life. But for some reason, it’s impossible with this girl.”
“How was the sex?” Ace asked.
I wouldn’t share the details with anyone else outside the gang. It wasn’t gentlemanly. But since we were so sickly codependent on each other, it was difficult to keep secrets. “Best I’ve ever had.”
“Really?” Cypress said. “Even better than that one chick who was into bondage?”
“Yep,” I said. “She talked dirty to me in French.”
“Ooh…” Ace grinned. “That does sound hot.”
Amelia snapped her head in his direction and stared at him.
“Wait, did it ever occur to you that Celeste could be feeling the exact same way?” Bree asked. “Maybe she’s falling for you too and is wondering if she could even go back to Paris and leave you behind.”
That would be nice. “We’ve only been on two dates.”
“But she already slept with you,” Ace pointed out. “Women do that when they like you.”
“Or it could be just a fling to her,” I said. “Which is what I’m thinking.”
“You won’t know until you ask,” Cypress said. “Maybe you should ask.”
I wasn’t a moron. “I’m not asking her that. Again, we’ve been on two dates. If I bring this up and she doesn’t feel the same way, I’m gonna look like an obsessed psychopath.”
“True,” Bree said. “You should see her for a while before you bring it up. Give her more time to fall for you if she hasn’t already.”
I leaned back into my chair and gripped my skull with both hands. “Why couldn’t I just find some normal chick who lives around here? Why did it have to be this French babe?”
“You probably fell for her because she is a French babe,” Ace observed.
“No.” I remembered how I felt before I even spoke to her. “The second I looked at her, I was into her. I just didn’t expect her to be so cool. Why couldn’t she be local?”
“I wouldn’t say all hope is lost,” Amelia said. “If you give her a reason to stay, she probably will stay. She does have a business here.”
“And she has a business there,” I pointed out. “So she’ll always need to go back.”
“But visiting for a few weeks and then coming home isn’t a big deal,” Cypress said. “You’d be able to get through that.”
“I’ll feel her out,” Bree said. “Kinda just nudge her to get some answers.”
“You know what I think?” Ace asked. “You’re getting way ahead of yourself here. There hasn’t been enough time to make any assumptions. I say you keep seeing her and just see where it goes. Maybe it doesn’t go anywhere. But maybe it does go somewhere. The longer you spend time with her, the more obvious her intentions will become. If you start asking questions and lay out these expectations, it’s gonna feel like a relationship. Women don’t like to be caged until they’re ready. And judging from the way you described her, she needs her freedom and independence. When a woman nags us to know if we’re gonna be exclusive, we hate it, right?”
I nodded in agreement.
“True,” Cypress said.
“So, just chill,” Ace said. “That’s my best advice.”
“Even if I get my heart broken?”
Ace shrugged. “Whatever happens, happens. You’ll just have to accept that.”
13
Amelia
Evan found any excuse to come over and see the girls. Sometimes I wondered if it was all an act just to spend time with me. Of course, that pissed me off. He shouldn’t use his girls to make a pass at his wife.
I mean, ex-wife.
But he didn’t bring up the idea of us getting back together again. That subject seemed to be buried in the past. We’d had the awful conversation at my kitchen table, and it seemed to die then and there.
Maybe that meant he’d given up.
I certainly hoped so.
Ace and I didn’t see each other much during the week. We didn’t talk to each other either. That last conversation we had in my front yard had gnawed at me ever since he’d walked away. I was paranoid that something had pushed him away. My feelings hadn’t changed, so I hoped his hadn’t either.
Evan picked up the girls and took them to the movies in Monterey. A new Disney movie had just hit the big screen, and the girls were excited to see it. Of course, Evan asked me to go, but I turned him down. I’d taken those girls to enough kid movies to last a lifetime. It was nice having alone time since he’d started taking his fatherly responsibilities seriously. It was the only reason I would ever consider taking him back—having a free babysitter.
Once they were gone, I texted Ace. The girls are gone, and I’m home alone.
The three dots didn’t light up the screen. I knew he wasn’t working tonight because he handled the lunch shift at the restaurant. He could be doing a lot of other things. It didn’t mean he was ignoring me.
But be
ing the obsessed woman that I was, I stared at the phone and waited for the dots to pop up.
A minute later they did. I can swing by.
Maybe I was overanalyzing it, but swing by made it sound like he wasn’t going to be around for very long. But if this was just a hookup, it shouldn’t last more than an hour. Yeah, I was reading too much into it. Great.
He came to the house less than ten minutes later. He walked inside without knocking, making himself at home because he was entitled to. He was in snug jeans that fit his ass nicely, and his t-shirt highlighted his great arms. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I walked into his chest and kissed him, missing his affection because it’d been so long since I had it. I loved the way his stubble rubbed against my mouth when he kissed me. It was coarse and rough, but it felt good.
He kissed me back, but it was full of hesitance, like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to kiss me or not. Normally, he would grab me and pin me against the counter, his powerful body rubbing against mine as we went at it.
But that didn’t happen this time.
Something was definitely off. I could feel it.
He stepped back and cleared his throat.
He only cleared his throat when something was wrong. He didn’t even do it when he was sick. “What’s wrong?”
“There’s nothing wrong,” he said with a straight face. “I’ve just been thinking about our arrangement. It was fun for a while, but I think we should hit the brakes. Things are great now, but they’ll get messy down the road. I think we should cool off.”
He was dumping me.
Ouch.
That shouldn’t hurt so much, but it did.
“Oh…” That was all I could come up with on the spot. I didn’t want things to end, even if he never saw me as more than a good lay. He made me feel so many incredible things. He made me feel beautiful when I felt undesirable. He made me feel special when I was ordinary. I didn’t want to give up that high.
Ace watched my expression and breathed a deep sigh of disappointment. “Our friendship means a lot to me. I don’t want to lose it. And friends hooking up for long periods of time never ends well.”
Unless it ended in marriage.
I was good at hiding my real emotions with Ace. I’d been doing it for a long time. But now it was difficult. He was taking away something I lived for. My daughters were everything to me, but I needed my own life. I needed my own hobbies, and Ace was my favorite hobby.
Ace continued to watch me, his face falling. “I’m sorry…maybe I waited too long.”
“No, it’ll be fine.” I swallowed the pain and pushed on. “I guess I just don’t want it to end, if I’m being honest. You make me feel like a woman, you know? I feel like so much more than a mom. I feel young again.”
“You are young,” he whispered.
“You know what I mean, Ace. You’re my friend, and I’m also really attracted to you. It’s nice to have a guilty pleasure, a secret I can enjoy in private. No one can judge me for it.” I didn’t mention my deeper feelings because that would just make him uncomfortable. I certainly didn’t want to guilt him into staying with me. For all I knew, he’d met someone else, and he wanted to be with her exclusively. “But I understand. Your friendship means a lot to me too, and I could never lose it. It’s smart to end the arrangement before it gets messy.” When Ace finally left, I could lick my wounds as well as my pride. After sleeping together for weeks, he still didn’t see me any differently. I didn’t have amazing sex like that on a regular basis, and apparently, for him, sex was that great with just anybody. I’d give anything to have things be different, to have Ace move in and be a part of this family. My daughters were older now, but I’d have more kids if that was what he wanted.
But that would never happen.
Ace slid his hands into his pockets and kept staring at me. “I had fun, Amelia. You’re an exceptional woman. There are very few people in my life that I view as highly as you. You’re definitely not just a mom to me. You’re a sexy lady. I mean that.”
A smile formed on my lips. “A sexy lady.”
He whistled. “Smokin’. Don’t ever settle for a guy who doesn’t think the same thing.” He came closer to me and pulled his hands out of his pockets. His hands moved to my waist, and he pulled me in for a hug. “I’m glad we could work this out.”
Now that I was in his arms, I closed my eyes and appreciated everything about the moment. I inhaled his masculine scent and rested my face against his hard chest. I loved feeling that strong heartbeat, knowing the safest place in the world was his arms. I didn’t want to leave, not now and not ever. When I pictured him ending up with someone else and having a family, it broke my heart.
I wanted to be his family.
I’d have to settle for being his friend and business partner. I’d have to get over him and stop looking at him like that, not when he wasn’t mine. I’d done everything I could to make something happen. I’d kissed him, told him how I felt, and hooked up with him for months. There was nothing more I could do to change his mind. I had to let him go and move on.
I finally left his arms, knowing I’d never be able to enjoy an embrace like that ever again. I forced myself to wear a smile so he wouldn’t feel guilty for breaking my heart. I didn’t even want him to know that he’d broken me.
Or that I was in love with him.
“Well, the girls and Evan will be back soon…” I didn’t want to spend the next hour with him and have to keep up this fake smile much longer. I didn’t have the energy to do it.
Ace seemed to want to leave too, knowing it would be awkward for a while until the novelty wore off. “Yeah, I should get going. I ate a lot today, and I need to hit the gym.”
He could afford to skip a day. “Have fun.”
“Alright.” He gave me that handsome smile that usually made my panties melt before he walked out.
The second he was gone, my misery rose up in full force. It reached my eyes, seared my throat, and made me feel weak. My legs wanted to give out, and I felt like I was about to collapse. I reached the kitchen table and sank into the chair, feeling my shoulders sag forward and my chest start to heave.
I didn’t regret much in my life, but I regretted losing my chance with Ace. If I’d known how he felt when we were younger, my life could have turned out differently. I didn’t regret my daughters at all, but I did regret Evan.
Why couldn’t I have been with Ace instead?
He was loyal, honest, and loving. He never would have hurt me the way Evan did. Even if he were unhappy, he would have worked it out with me until we got it right. He would have been honest with me, at least.
But I made a mistake.
I crossed my arms over my chest and felt the tears form in my eyes. When they were too heavy, they streaked down my cheeks and ruined my makeup. My chest heaved with the pain, and I was hit with the sudden loss. I’d only had a small piece of Ace.
But I felt like I’d lost all of him.
Evan came home with the girls when it was bedtime. They were both tired even though they tried to hide it. They had matching princess dolls because Evan obviously had taken them shopping before the show.
The girls both hugged me before I put them to bed. I hoped Evan would leave while I was in the bedroom, but my gut told me he wouldn’t. I wasn’t in the mood to talk tonight. I hardly had the energy to smile and kiss my girls goodnight.
I walked back to the entryway and found him standing there, looking handsome in jeans and a t-shirt. It was nice to see him in street clothes instead of slacks and a tie. The casual look suited him just as well. He watched my expression and paid more attention than I would have liked. “You doing okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just had a long day.” I couldn’t force myself to sound cheery. I sounded like death, completely defeated.
Evan continued to watch me, not the gullible type. “I know something is wrong. I wish you would tell me.”
I didn’t see Evan as a friend. If I wanted som
eone to talk to, I would turn to Cypress or Bree. Bree was my sister, but I was so comfortable with Cypress because he used to look after me all the time. He turned into the brother I never had. “I just had a hard day.”
“You were fine when I picked up the girls.”
Was he a detective? “Well…” I didn’t finish the sentence, not having the energy.
Evan walked up to me and moved his hands to my waist. It was the first time he’d touched me since he filed for divorce. The last woman he touched was Rebecca, but I didn’t flinch away in repulsion. I was too depressed to care. “Hey, it’s me,” he whispered. “You know you can always talk to me—about anything.”
Something deep inside my body told me I truly loved Ace. Love didn’t come easy for me. I’d always been picky about the men I let into my life. Something told me we would have been incredible together, that I could have had the kind of relationship I’d always wanted if he felt the same way about me. I kept thinking about all the possibilities, and I had to remind myself harshly that I needed to let it go.
He didn’t want me. End of story.
“I’m in love with Ace…” I looked into Evan’s face as I said the words, not caring if the truth hurt him. He’d scarred me more times than I could count, and I didn’t feel the least bit of guilt for being honest.
Evan didn’t react, but I knew the words stung.
“But he doesn’t want me,” I whispered. “He came over tonight and broke things off.”
Evan kept his hands on my body but didn’t say anything.
“We were just hooking up. It was nothing serious. But I thought he would feel the way I did eventually. I told him how I felt, but he didn’t feel the same. And he’ll never feel the same way.” I bowed my head in embarrassment. I’d just told my ex I couldn’t get the guy I wanted, and that made me feel ugly and undesirable.
He moved closer to me. “He’s an idiot. A big one.”
I sniffed and held back the tears before they could fall again.
“If he thinks he can do better than you, he’s stupid.”
“Stupid like you?” I felt bad for making a jab when Evan was only trying to comfort me.