by Claire Adams
I stopped her at the corner of her father's desk. "It's nothing."
"No, I saw the look on your face. What's in the folder?"
I caught her arm and tried to steer her back towards the door. "How about we go for a walk in the snow? I need to burn off some calories from that feast."
"Stop trying to stop me," Clarity snapped. She pulled her arm back. "If my father left something out on his desk, I have more of a right to see it than you."
I let my hands fall and Clarity pushed past me. "It's probably nothing," I said. "It's not what it looks like."
She glanced at the computer screen first. "Why is he retyping the essay?" She popped her mouth closed as she saw the acceptance letter, and then she picked up the original essay.
"We're not going to jump to any conclusions," I said.
Clarity flinched away as I tried to put my hands on her shoulders. "His test scores are terrible. I mean, really subpar. Landsman College doesn't discriminate against people of different abilities, but this shows a complete lack of effort."
"Maybe your father is giving him feedback so he can try again and be successful in the future."
Clarity's eyes were glass hard. "So how do you explain the acceptance letter?" Then she stumbled and gripped the leather chair for support. "Oh, god. That explains the sudden friendship and all the nice gifts. My father only just met Michael Tailor."
I leaned on the desk and tried to get Clarity to look at me, but she was lost in a whirlwind of worry. "Don't jump to any conclusions."
She looked up at me, and I saw the first wash of tears. "Do you think that's why I got the internship?"
I tugged her away from the desk, but Clarity wouldn't leave the office. We stood on the plush rug in the center of the room, and I squeezed her fingers. "You got the internship on your own merit. How could you possibly compare yourself to Junior? All your father did was mail in your application, and you did the rest. Never doubt that, Clarity."
She shook her head. "You heard my father. His friend Michael Tailor has an 'in' at Wire Communications. I may never have been considered if someone didn't put my application on the top of a pile."
I rattled her hands gently. "You don't think I would have told you if you didn't qualify for the internship? You're probably the best candidate they've ever had."
Clarity sniffled. "How can I believe you? How can I believe you if I can't even believe my own father?"
The look of grief on her face fizzed like acid in my stomach. "A good journalist doesn't jump to conclusions. You need hard evidence to be corroborated."
She tugged her hands free of my grip and headed for the door. "I have to turn it down. I can't take that internship."
I followed her to the door and jumped back as she wheeled around to face me. "What? What did I say?" I asked.
Clarity clapped both hands to her mouth and struggled to get a deep breath. Her eyes were wide with fear. "A good journalist. You're a good journalist."
"No one ever said that. Just calm down, we can figure this out."
"That's it, don't you see?" Clarity cried. "You uncovered corruption at Landsman College. It's your journalistic duty to pursue the story and find the truth."
"Clarity, I didn't see anything. Your father invited me to his office to smoke a cigar," I said.
Her tears overflowed. "You didn't do anything wrong. He invited you into his office, he left the test scores and essay in plain view, and his computer was still on. You can't just walk away from a story like this, no matter who’s involved."
"I'm not a journalist anymore, I'm a professor," I said.
Clarity shook her head. "The first principle of journalistic ethics is to seek truth and report it. And you're the editor of the Landsman College newspaper. You have to report it."
I took her by both shoulders and pulled her close, then I leaned down and made sure she saw me. "Clarity, I will have seen nothing, and I will do nothing, if that is what you want."
Her shoulders shook with suppressed sobs. "My father may be guilty of corruption; please don't make me doubt your integrity too."
Chapter Eleven
Clarity
I took items at random from the cafeteria line. It didn't matter as long as I wasn't having breakfast across from my father. He was acting as if nothing was wrong, but not in a normal way. My father's school spirit seemed strained for the first time ever. At least I knew he wasn't comfortable with what he'd done.
I stared blankly at the dry cereal choices. Had my father really ignored an applicant's test results? Michael Tailor Junior's scores were not only poor; they were deliberately bad. How could my father doctor an entrance essay in order to justify letting such a determinedly defiant student in to Landsman College?
The most logical explanation made me sick. Despite the sweet smell of the buttermilk pancakes, I knew I wasn't going to be able to eat a thing on my tray. I had only come to the cafeteria to avoid my father.
At least my misery did not stand out. Everywhere, students were struggling to adjust to classes as usual. The first day back after break and most students shuffled through in pajama pants and collegiate sweatshirts. Messy hair and blurry eyes were everywhere.
I just wanted to be alone.
"Student ID?" the cafeteria worker asked.
I winced, but handed him the card. The last time someone had asked me that I had lied. It had been so easy to tell the security guard a false name. I had been thinking about saving my father the embarrassment. And I had been thinking of Ford.
Looking back over the Thanksgiving holiday, Ford had been my only bright spot. Now all the happy moments with my father were tarnished by the major infraction he had committed, probably while the turkey was baking in the oven. I squeezed my eyes shut for just a moment and conjured up Ford's stormy gaze again. He had stood in front of me, steadied me as I reeled in disbelief, and Ford had promised he saw nothing.
"If that's what you want." His words echoed in my head.
"What?" I asked.
The cafeteria worker sighed and repeated, "There’s fresh orange juice near the end counter if that's what you want."
"Thanks." I scooped up my tray and searched for a quiet table.
I sat down in the far corner by the window and faced Thompson Hall. I wondered if I would see Ford hurrying to his first class. I wondered if he was going to break the story about my father accepting bribes.
Ford had to know the only reason my father did it was to secure me the internship at Wire Communications. It was all I had talked about all summer and all I had focused on since the beginning of the year. The career-making internship that I was going to turn down.
I slumped back in my chair. "What's the point of even going to class?"
The answer bolted me upright in my chair. Ford. Somehow he was the only person I wanted to see.
"Clarity, hi! I don't normally see you in the cafeteria. It's so great to run into you after break and before class," Thomas said.
I bit my cheek but smiled as he sat down. "Yeah, speaking of class, I need to get there a little early."
Thomas checked his watch. "No problem, we've got time for a little coffee and then I'll walk with you." He smiled. "How was your break? Who did your father end up inviting to Thanksgiving dinner?"
I summoned the good section of memories, memories from before I entered my father's office. "It was really nice. Professor Rumsfeld and his wife were there, and Ford. I mean, Professor Bauer."
"You're on a first name basis now?" Thomas put down his coffee cup and studied the paper rim.
"Well, yeah, I guess. Actually, all the professors wanted to be normal people so I called them all by their first names. Professor Rumsfeld's first name is Jackson," I said.
Thomas picked at his scrambled eggs. "So, what was Ford like? Did he pull a restaurant critic at dinner?"
I laughed. "No, he actually relaxed. My father cracked me up a few times. The Professor's got an infectious laugh."
"So you've been infected?" Thomas scowled and
swigged his coffee.
"What? No. I'm just saying that Professor Bauer—"
"Ford."
"Yes, Ford, is actually very nice. He even stayed and helped was the dishes," I said.
Thomas sat back and crossed his arms. "I can't believe your father invited him, much less let him stay late."
I narrowed my eyes and searched Thomas' surly face. "What's wrong with that?"
"You know that he's no good, right? You're not totally oblivious to the fact that Ford Bauer is not a good man."
I gripped the edge of the cafeteria table. "Ford is a better man than you'll ever know."
"God, Clarity." Thomas shoved his tray away, and it bumped mine, sloshing my coffee. "I didn't think you'd be one of those girls."
"What exactly are you trying to say, Thomas?"
His whole demeanor changed. A sweaty, hopeful look sprung into Thomas' eyes, and he sat forward. "Maybe once you know the truth about him, you'll forget all about how handsome he is or whatever it is that attracts girls like flies."
I crossed my arms and laid my elbows along the edge of the table. "Did you just call me a fly?"
Thomas reached out and gripped my hand but I refused to untuck it from my crossed arms. "Clarity, I'm sorry, but Ford's done this before."
"Done what exactly?"
"He's seduced students before. You can ask Libby Blackwell. They had an affair her freshman year and then he just dumped her flat. A professor, which should matter to you. A professor seduced a student and then tossed her away like she was nothing," Thomas said.
I was glad no one else was near my quiet table. "What is wrong with you, Thomas?" I jumped to my feet. "I get you're jealous, it makes sense, but I didn't think you were the type of guy to spread false rumors in the hopes of making yourself look better in comparison."
"Clarity, please, wait," Thomas called.
I went back and whipped my untouched breakfast from the table. "You should be ashamed of yourself."
As I marched away, I heard Thomas mutter, "And you should do your research."
#
I stormed out of the cafeteria, only having enough control to stop before throwing out my coffee. The coffee gave me something to grip in between my angry hands and something to sip at so I didn't have to smile. It didn't matter that it was lukewarm and bitter.
Thomas' words sent me off-course, and I wandered down the hallway without a destination. At the student mailboxes, I changed course, then stopped abruptly.
Libby flounced around the corner and giggled at some love note that had been left in her mailbox. I followed her past the registrar's office and out onto the main lawn.
The back of her tight, velour jogging pants flashed the rhinestoned word 'fresh.' Above it was a long-sleeved tee-shirt at least two sizes too small that squeezed her tiny waist. Her shock of dyed blonde hair flipped back and forth in a long ponytail, and I stared at it as if hypnotized.
Is that what had happened to Ford? He was taken in by her pretty fake-ness and all-together too easy attitude?
At the corner near the limestone chapel, Libby slowed and then spun on her heeled sandals. "Clarity. Thank god, for a second there I thought some creep was following me."
I could have nodded and cut across the grass, but Libby already knew why I was trying to bump into her. Her brown eyes blinked at me with a calculating glance.
"Nice to see you, Libby. How was your break?" I asked.
"It was alright," Libby shrugged, "though I didn't get any good, send-off kisses like you. I've been craving a little roll in the fallen leaves ever since I ran into you and your, um, man."
"What? No," I swallowed hard. "That is not what you saw."
Libby sidled closer and kept pace with me as I tried to flee. "I wonder what I would have seen if I had been a few minutes behind on my mile. If only I was a little slower, I bet I would have seen your skinny legs up in the air."
"Libby! How can you say that? He's a professor."
"We both know the rules weren't made for him. He's not old or lecherous. He's virile and irresistible. Who wouldn't bend the rules for a taste of those lips? Maybe a taste of something a little farther down..."
I slammed to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk. "You are filthy. And I think it's about time you take your dirty mind and go bother someone else."
"Why would I do that?" Libby batted her spiky, mascara-laden eyelashes. "You're the one locking illegal lips with fantastic Mr. Ford."
"Illegal? You just said the rules weren't made for him," I snapped.
"A little touchy, huh, Clarity?" Libby asked. "I get it. You want him to touch you so bad you're willing to stumble around in the leaves just to brush up against him. We've all been there."
"That's it," I said. "You better come straight out and say what you mean, Libby. I'm done with all your trash talk." I crossed my arms and stood up as tall as I could.
"I'm saying that you're not the first one to get the hots for Professor Bauer. The first time he and I kissed, it was behind the cafeteria."
"Gross," I said and spun away.
Libby caught my arm. "No, it wasn't gross at all. I had lost my ID, and Ford came to help me. I could feel his eyes on me as I bent over and checked the lost and found basket. Then all I had to do was get close enough, and he couldn't resist."
I threw my hands in front of me and backed up two steps. "You are making all of that up. You just want the attention, so you tell these stories that no one can prove are true."
"Oh, it's true," Libby laughed. "I once took a selfie of us in one of our favorite dark corners. You know the little alcove near the campus radio station? No one goes back there, and there's a decent sofa there."
"Please, you've probably been there with half a dozen guys. According to the stories you tell about yourself, half the campus is drooling over you and just waiting for their chance to come again," I said, though the words made me feel sick.
Libby tossed her blonde ponytail. "I'm not going to deny I enjoy the reputation I've got. Why not? It's the modern era, and women are allowed to have sex too, you know."
"That doesn't mean that every girl wants to or should," I said. I took a deep, calming breath. "Some women want more. More intimacy, more connection, more satisfactions than a series of one-night stands."
"Oh, who says it was just one night with the fantastic Mr. Ford?" Libby asked. "He wanted me so badly he kept running into me. Before class, after class, in the cafeteria, all over campus."
"Yeah, it sounds like you had a really deep connection." I stepped around Libby again.
Now Libby looked disgusted. "We dated. It was much more than just a silly kiss under a tree."
"Then why are you so jealous of one kiss?" I countered.
"Who says I'm jealous?" Libby narrowed her eyes. "I got everything I wanted from Ford."
"Obviously not," I said. "He just used you and now you walk around mad that you didn't come out on top."
"Oh, I came on top," Libby snarled. "Besides, princess, hasn't it ever occurred to you that Ford is using you?"
"The difference is I'm not going to let him."
She shook her head with a mean smile. "He already has used you. Do you think he took you under his wing because he loves you? He wanted to befriend your father and gain the influence of the dean."
I faltered. "Why would he need my father's influence?"
"To save his job." Libby sauntered away with a dainty wave over her shoulder.
The conversation rattled around in my head until I was sure the unnecessary jabs and jealousies were gone. It came down to two claims: that Ford had slept with a student two years ago, and that he was only interested in me to ingratiate himself to my father.
I dragged my feet on the way to his class. How could I stand to verify either claim? Libby's bragging wasn't evidence, but she had planted a seed of doubt in my head.
"Hello, class," Ford said.
My stomach buzzed with the same happy excitement, despite the turmoil in my head.
Just being near him ignited me like a handful of fireworks, and my body wouldn't listen to reason.
I stamped down my feelings. Now it didn't matter if he was innocent or exactly what Libby described. The fact was that Ford Bauer was not for me, and the sooner I let it go, the better. As painful as it was, I had to admit that everything else had been silly fantasy on my part. I could never pursue anything real with Ford, and I had to let him go.
The first half of class, it was easy to keep my head down. Ford lectured on writing to a specific audience, and I took diligent notes. Then he opened it up to questions and discussions, and I was forced to look up from my notebook.
"How do we research our audience?" Michelle asked. The third-year brunette blushed as Ford complimented her question. As he started into the answer, Michelle watched him with a rapt smile.
So I wasn't the only one that was affected by Professor Bauer. My stomach boiled. When Ford smiled at the next female student, my anger spilled over, and I slammed my binder closed.
"Everything alright, Clarity?" Ford asked.
The rest of the lecture hall turned to me with curious glances, and my cheeks flared bright red. "Sorry, I'm fine."
I will be, I promised myself. I will get over my disappointment.
That was all it was: disappointment. I wanted Ford to be my knight in shining armor. I wanted a man with as sharp a moral compass as myself and the drive to bring the truth to light. Now it felt as if neither of those things could be possibly true of Ford.
I waited until the end of class, then leapt from my seat. I climbed over students still packing up and was almost to the end of the row when my classmate, Dan, spilled a soda. The frothing bottle whirled around on the floor and sprayed everyone within a two-foot radius. I turned around and edged back the way I came.
This time I had to wait for all the students I had trampled to exit the row in front of me. I considered climbing down to the next row, but it was no better. When I wanted to rush out of class, everyone decided to take their time.
Finally I saw a clear path to the door. If I could just get outside, then Ford would not catch me, and I would not have to confront any of it for another few days. Or ever.