by Alyson Noel
I'm not talking to Paula all that much either (since they're always together now), it's not like I had anyone left to
help me pull this off. So I just figured that the second the final bell rang, I'd try to grab all my stuff and skip out.
But guess who was already there, standing by my locker, waiting?
Okay, I know I didn't write yesterday, cuz I was just way too busy getting everything organized, so let me just
say that a couple hours after Marc left, he called to apologize, and then way later he came back over and I snuck him
into my room and he just held me while I slept. And when I woke up in the middle of the night he was already gone,
and then yesterday at school we both acted like none of the bad stuff ever happened, that I never said that shit about
Shauna, and that he never got angry about Jason, and that we were never really broken up to begin with. And since
that's the way I actually wanted things to be, it was pretty easy to play along and pretend.
And then late last night I snuck out and went to his place since his mom and stepdad are out of town, and we
went skinny-dipping, hung in the Jacuzzi, then slept together in the bed in the pool house. Then just before the sun
came up, he drove me home. And right before climbing back up the tree, I kissed him good-bye. And at that moment I
knew I was being given a second chance, that we really could start over. I just hoped I would be smart enough not to
blow it.
So anyway, this is the first time I've ever carried my diary with me, the first time I ever took it out of the house,
and even though I keep kind of freaking out and double-checking to make sure I didn't lose it (I mean, can you even
imagine?), today is such a humongo big day that I just feel like I should document every single second of it, since it's
the first day of taking the first step toward changing my entire life! Not to mention how when I become really rich and
famous, they'll probably ask me to write my memoirs, and I can use this as a guide.
Anyway, I feel so incredibly good about this meeting—I've lost six pounds, not that I even needed to, but since
the camera does add ten, I figure it can't hurt—and I even found this amazing new cover stick that is totally working at
hiding the dark circles and all the other signs of worry, stress, and major lack of sleep. And it's just so amazing how
it's all falling so smoothly into place. I mean, before all this came together, I was never all that big on destiny. I mean,
yeah, I would joke about it and stuff, but that doesn't mean I actually really believed in it. I just always figured that you
get to where you want to go by working hard and totally going for it—not by any kind of cosmic energy, or whatever.
But now, with the way it's all moving forward, I just know deep down inside that it's totally meant to be.
So anyway, when Marc saw me at my locker with my overstuffed bag, he just looked at me, and said, 'What's
that?"
Well, at first I tried to lie and tell him I was getting a bunch of clothes taken in since I'd lost all that weight But
when it was clear he wasn't buying it, I told him I was auditioning for a play, and that I was too freaked out, nervous,
and superstitious to say anything more about it.
"Just a community theater thing, no biggie. I'm just doing it for the experience," I said.
"Can I come?" he asked.
But I told him no. Told him that he'd make me too nervous, and that I didn't even want him to drive me. I'd just
planned to take the bus, which meant I needed to leave right away, since it'd take me a whole lot longer to get there
like that (which isn't even a full lie, because I had planned to take the bus to the photo shoot).
So he just looked at me and said, "How 'bout I drive you and pick you up after?"
And I said, "No way, Jose. In fact, I don't even want to talk about it afterward, unless of course they cast me,
then I'll bore you to death with all the details."
So he goes, "Well then how 'bout this—we go to the park, hang for a while, and then you take my car and come
pick me up when you're done?"
"But I don't know how long it will take! I mean, you're just gonna sit there that whole time?" I asked, part of me
really wanting the car since it would make everything so much easier, but the other part not wanting to be responsible
for picking him up. I mean, what if it runs late? But still, having the car will really help, so I agreed.
Okay, so I just wrote all that in the parking lot of the Circle K, where he just went in to get us some snacks and
waters and cigarettes and bread for our pet ducks. And now he's back so—
"Thank you darling," I say, wanting a ciggie big-time but knowing I can't write and open the pack at the same
time. But really, what's more important, smoking or recording all the little mundane things that happen to me while I'm
still anonymous?
So he goes, "What are you writing about that's making you so happy?"
Then he acts like he's trying to peek over my shoulder so I pull it away and say, "You have no idea."
So we're at the park now, and I'm feeding the ducks while Marc starts on his homework and then he looks at me
and goes, "So what play are you trying out for?"
And since I'm more into movies, and don't really know any plays, I go, "Phantom of the Opera." And believe
me, the second it's out, I regret it
So he looks at me and goes, 7 didn't know you could sing opera." Then he gives me this suspicious squinty kind
of look.
But I think I pulled it off, cuz I just said, 7 don't, silly. It's for a nonsinging part. A really small part, in fact, and it's
really no big deal. I just think it will be good experience to go to an audition and see what it's like to be onstage with
everyone watching you and stuff/'And since it seems like he might actually believe that I add, ''But what about you?
Are you really just gonna sit here and wait?"
And he smiles and goes, "Yup."
And I go, "But what if you get bored, or need to go home or something?"
But he just shakes his head and says, "No worries, I'll handle it. Just don't forget to come back for me." Then he
jangles his car keys as he starts to hand them over.
And I go, "Please, I could never forget you," then I lean in and kiss him, and reach for the keys.
But then he goes, "Wait, I want something in return."
I just looked at him, thinking I should've known better, 'cause there's always a catch. "What?" I ask.
"Your diary," he says. "Leave me your diary just to make sure."
"Make sure of what?"
"To make sure you come back to me. You know, like collateral?" He smiles.
"You're not gonna read it, are you?" I ask, still wanting those keys but not liking the trade, and wondering if I can
trust him to really not read it.
But he just gives me a serious look, and says, "Only if you don't come back." Then he leans in and kisses me,
and says, "And when you return, I have a major surprise for you. Something you're gonna love, that will also explain
everything, everything you've been wondering about where I was those times when you couldn't reach me. I just want
us to rewind, to get back to where we were. I really love you, Zoë."
So I say, "And I really love you, Marc."
Then he smiles and says, "Are you ever going to stop writing so I can kiss you and tell you good-bye?"
And I smile and say, "Yes!"
I turn the page but that's it. And every page that follows is as blank as the one before it, nothing but blue lines on
white background, Zoë's loopy handwriting com
ing to its final rest.
I close my eyes and lean back against the cushions, tears pouring down my cheeks, thinking how strange it is
that her diary ended on "Yes!" When her life probably ended on "No!'7
I sit there, holding her book in my lap, unwilling to look at it, unable to let go.
And when my cell phone rings, I hit speaker wiping my eyes as Teresa says, "Echo, I'm on my way over. We
really need to talk."
Thirty-three
Seconds later when the doorbell rings, I assume Teresa was a lot closer than I'd thought. But when I peek through
the glass and see Abby, my stomach drops so fast and hard it takes me a moment to realize that she's smiling as
though yesterday never happened.
"Jeez, you really are sick. You look awful," she says, giving me a concerned once-over while maintaining a
safe distance from any potential infectious disease.
"Relax, I'm fine," I tell her. "Seriously, it's safe to come in."
She gives me a hesitant look then steps inside, following me into the den, where she flops down on my dad's
favorite chair, and goes, "So, what gives?"
But I just shake my head and sit on the couch, pulling the afghan around me, hugging my knees tight to my
chest. "I've been going through some stuff," I finally say, knowing I owe her much more than that, but feeling unsure
just how far I should go.
"I know." She nods.
"You know?" I ask, looking at her and wondering just how much she knows.
"Well, for starters, you've been acting pretty freaky since the first day of school. And then all that stuff
yesterday, well, that was pretty much the pinnacle of your freakiness."
"Does Jenay hate me?" I ask.
She laughs. "Jenay's incapable of hate. She's all about love, pep rallies, and cheerleading tryouts."
"Seriously?"
'"Fraid so." Abby nods. Tryouts are months away, but she's already talking about it. She wants to be able to
cheer for Chess at all of his football games."
"Can't she do that from the stands?"
"Not like a professional." She smiles.
"So, do you hate me?" I ask, holding my breath.
"Honestly? I did. But then I got over it." She shrugs. "Because I know what you're going through. Okay,
backtrack. Maybe I don't know exactly what you're going through. But sometimes I try to imagine it, you know? Like
when Aaron's driving me nuts and I'm fantasizing about totally throttling him. Well, sometimes I make myself stop and
imagine how I'd feel if he was no longer around for me to hate. And the truth is, as much as he annoys me, I know it
would be a whole lot worse without him. And then that makes me think how bad it must suck for you to have to deal
with all that, not to mention the way people stare and the things they say. And I don't mean like I pity you," she says
quickly, knowing full well just how much I hate to be pitied. "It's just, I don't know, I guess I just want you to know that I
care, and that I'm here, and that no matter how hard you try, you can't push me away. Or maybe you can, but you're
gonna have to try a lot harder than that." She smiles, but her bottom lip is trembling. And seeing that makes me feel
unbelievably sad, especially when I realize how willing I was to discard her.
"So where is Jenay?" I ask, anxious to change the subject.
"Pep club," she says, rolling her eyes. "But one more thing, Echo, and then I promise to let it go. I just want you
to know that you can totally confide in me if you need to. Seriously, you can tell me anything you want and I promise
not to judge or ever repeat a single word of it to anyone, including Jenay. Scout's honor." She holds up her hand,
palm facing forward, even though we were never Scouts.
And when I look at her, I'm tempted, thinking how nice it would be to get some of this burden off my chest, not to
have to bear all this weight on my own. But when I start to speak, 1 realize there's still a few missing links, and I know I
should wait 'til I've gathered all the pieces.
So instead, I just shrug. "Rain check?" I ask, smiling as she nods.
When the doorbell rings a few minutes later, this time it really is Teresa. And when she comes in the den and sees
Abby still sitting in the chair she gives me a quick, worried look.
"I should probably go," Abby says, rising from her seat in a rare display of submission.
I glance at Terersa, wondering if she'll insist on it, but she just shrugs and sits on the floor.
"Oh my God." She drops her head in her hands and rubs her eyes with the pads of her fingers. "I've been so
fucking stupid and I owe you the hugest apology," she says, finally looking up at me, her eyes red and worried.
I glance at Abby, who's clearly wondering what this is about, then I gaze back at Teresa when she says, "I
need to talk to you about Jason."
"Who's Jason?" Abby asks, but when I look at her and shake my head, she goes quiet and leans back in her
chair.
"Jason is a creep," Teresa says, gazing at Abby and shaking her head. "A total freaking psychotic creep. Echo
tried to warn me, but I was too stupid to listen. I thought he was some sexy, exciting, bad boy. Turns out he's just
bad."
"Are you okay? I mean, did he hurt you?" I ask, remembering what happened to Zoë and Carly, and hoping that
didn't happen to her.
But she just shakes her head and closes her eyes, and when I glance over at Abby I can tell she's confused.
"Well, you know how normally we just meet up at the park and hang out and stuff? Like we did that one day? And how
every now and then he'd stop by my house and we'd party when my parents weren't home? Well, we did fool around,
but only a few times, nothing major, basically because asshole Tom was usually there."
I glance at Abby when she starts to say, "Who's asshole To—" But then she looks at me and shakes her head,
motioning for Teresa to continue.
"So yesterday, I was on my way home from school when he drove up and offered me a ride. And since no one
was around to see me, I opened the door and got in."
"Did you go to his place?" I ask, remembering Zoë and how he used the same M.O. on her.
She rolls her eyes and nods. "Jeez, you should see it, I mean, it's a total freaking dump. I mean a filthy, cheap,
disgusting mess."
And just as I start to say, "I know," I remember how I do know, and not wanting to share that with them, I don't
say anything.
"So he offers me a beer, and like the idiot I am, I'm all excited that we're finally gonna hook up, since we're all
alone and stuff. So, thinking I should go freshen up a little first, I head for his bathroom as he heads for the fridge,
and then I notice how the bathroom door is like right across from his bedroom, and I'm really tempted to open the
door and take a look, but I'm also afraid of getting caught. So instead I just go inside and do my thing and right as I
come out, I see him sitting on the couch with his index finger all shoved down the neck of my beer bottle. And I think,
what the heck is he doing? And I start to feel all creeped out, wondering if he's trying to poison me or drug me or
something. So then 1 get all panicked, wondering what I should do. But then I decide to just act all smiley and calm
until I can eventually find a way out of there." Then she stops and looks at Abby and goes, "Do you think you can get
me some water?"
And before I can even say anything, Abby is already up and heading for the kitchen. Teresa turns to me and
whispers, "So anyway, I just try to act all norma
l, tapping my bottle against his, taking fake sips, and then right when
I'm about to make an excuse to get out of there, his beeper goes off. So he goes, 1 have to run out for a sec, so sit
tight and don't go snooping around.' And when he gives me this threatening look, I just smile and nod and take
another fake sip, and then like the second he leaves I'm about to bail, but then I wonder if maybe I'm overreacting. I
mean, maybe he was just fishing a bug out of my beer, which is still pretty bad, though it's not the same as drugging
someone, right?"
Abby comes back with the water, and after taking a quick sip, Teresa looks at me and hesitates. "Should I
continue?"
And since I have no idea where this is going, I really don't know how to answer. But I also don't feel like I can
just kick Abby out, not after the way I've treated her. So I just shrug, letting Teresa decide. Then she takes another
sip and goes, "Okay, so anyway, I decided to check out his bedroom, since the fact that he warned me not to snoop
just made me want to do it even more. But then the second I open the bedroom door, I know where all of his money
goes." She looks at us and rolls her eyes. "He's got this huge, four-poster bed, with these serious-looking, black
leather restraints attached to all the posts, and there're these two video cameras on tripods, and they're both
pointing right at the bed. I mean, there's got to be like thousands of dollars' worth of video equipment in there, like
he's making home porn or something. Anyway, I got so freaked out, and I knew I had to get out of there while I still
could, and just as I was about to leave I noticed this huge stack of videos all lined up on a shelf, each one labeled
with different girls' names." She looks at Abby, then me, and takes a deep breath. "And when I saw the one labeled
'Zoë/Carly,' well, I just grabbed it and ran."
She shakes her head and looks at me. "I didn't sleep the entire night cuz I was so scared about everything that
happened, and everything that could've happened, and what he might try to do to me if he notices the missing video.
And I really needed to see you, but then when you didn't come to school today..." She shrugs, looking back and forth
between me and Abby.
I glance at Abby, who's sitting there completely still, her eyes wide, her mouth hanging open, then I look at