“Sorry. I’m rambling.”
“No, Ben, keep going,” Kinsley said. She stood up too. “I want to hear all of this.”
“When was the last time you saw him?” I asked.
“What?”
“Brice. When was the last time you saw him?”
“Wh… why are you asking me that? You were just talking about-”
“I’m just curious. I know you talk to him. I know you see him.”
“Don’t be so quick on that, Ben. I’ve seen him once since you and I started really talking. I’m trying here, okay?”
“Trying… for what? What’s going to make this all work out?”
My eyes looked at the picture on the table. Then back to Kinsley. The plan had been to talk and feel something calming and romantic by doing so. But thinking about Kinsley with Brice. Her telling him about me. Or the way she was pretending to read a book, sitting a mile away from me…
“Ben, where is this coming from now?”
“I don’t know. Just forget about it then. I have to go get some stuff done.”
I moved from the living room and Kinsley charged after me.
“Wait, don’t leave,” she cried out. Her hands pulled at my arm. “Don’t run from this.”
“From what?” I snapped. I looked over my shoulder. “From what? What is this going to prove? Huh? If my story is sadder than his… I win? Is that what you want?”
“No. I never said that.”
“So, what’s the point? Talking won’t bring them back. What I did… and what happened… I can never fix that. Same for you. No matter what you do, your daughter is never coming back.”
Kinsley let me go and stepped back in shock.
The anger swelled as a little regret popped the bubble inside me.
I sighed. “Shit. Kinsley…”
“Go,” she said. “Go to work. That’s what you really want, isn’t it? You said you wouldn’t do this to me.”
“Do what?”
“You’re running. You’re pushing me away.”
“Don’t talk about pushing anyone away, Kinsley. Are you even really here right now?”
“What does that mean?”
“You’re torn between two men. But I look at you and wonder if you really are torn. I’m comfortable, right? Because I don’t challenge you enough.”
“Ben, stop this please. You don’t know…”
I walked to the kitchen and grabbed the ring off the counter.
My mind flashed with all the images of sneaking to the fucking store to buy it. All the time I spent planning what was going to be the perfect proposal.
I walked back to Kinsley and dropped to one knee.
“Here,” I said. “Is this what you want? I’m going to challenge you then. I want to marry you. I want you for the rest of my life. I don’t want to sit here and worry about the past. And talk about it. And cry. And feel all those terrible feelings; feeling lost inside. Because when I met you, I wasn’t lost anymore. So, I want you to marry me, Kinsley. Will you?”
The look on her face was more than enough of an answer.
She bit her bottom lip as she stood frozen like a statue.
With no response coming from her, I slowly stood back up. I took her left hand and placed the ring in it and curled her fingers around it.
“You know where I stand,” I whispered. “I’m going to take off and stay somewhere for a little bit, so you have the time you need to do whatever you want. Just know I’m not stupid. Your advances. The look in your eyes. The way you want me sometimes. I’m not stupid. But I’m not going to share you like that, Kinsley. So, you decide what you want, then you tell me.”
I backed away.
“Ben. Wait a second.”
“What?”
“You were right about a lot of things,” she said. “Maybe everything. Maybe forgetting the past was the right thing to do. Maybe talking about it now is even worse. I don’t know. There was no goodbye before with him. It just ended.”
“So that’s what you need? You need a goodbye? In his bed? In his heart?”
“What we lost together…”
“I lost it alone,” I said in a low voice. “I have nobody to run to for comfort, Kinsley. Only you. And I’m okay with that.”
I turned and walked to get my keys.
I left the house, giving her everything she ever wanted and needed.
But as angry as I wanted to be, in a sick way, I understood it.
I loved her for caring so much.
Because if Chrissy came walking through the door, I’d be just as confused as Kinsley was right now.
6
What the Silence Says
Kinsley
I sat up in bed staring at my phone. In some strange way, I felt like I was back to square one with everything. Ben was gone, busy with work, and I was alone, looking at a picture that Brice sent me via email. I honestly didn’t remember the picture. Me standing at the old, wooden fence. On the other side was where the neighbor’s horses were kept. It was a lifetime ago, honestly, yet I couldn’t look away from the picture. My mind couldn’t figure out when it was taken, or why Brice sent it. He normally sent a picture with some kind of romantic story to go with it.
Not this time.
It crushed him to see the ring on my finger. Whatever story I tried to tell him about what happened with Ben, it didn’t matter. It was an engagement ring on my finger. Although myself and Ben knew it really wasn’t (at least for right now), that wasn’t the perception of anyone who saw it.
Brice had the dream of being the one to propose to me. To take my hand and slide a ring on my finger. To know he was kicking a hornet’s nest with my father, because it would cause issues for a little while. Not that Brice ever really made many plans in his life, but this was one of them. To marry me.
And my plan had always been to marry him.
I shut the screen off on my phone and looked to my right.
It was now night number two without Ben.
He had the courtesy to let me know he got to Philly safe and sound. He kept busy during the day and checked in at night. My heart couldn’t take much more of this mess, yet I felt as though I couldn’t get a second to just think. Even being alone in the house, it was still so busy everywhere. I couldn’t believe I was in a position where I’d actually have to choose someone to love for the rest of my life. It was wrong. No matter what happened - or who I chose - this would always be a blemish in our lives. Something to fall back on for a cheap shot during an argument.
Yet I loved both of them. For different reasons. In different ways.
It was far too early in the night to be in bed thinking about sleep, but there was nothing else for me to do. The questions Ben wanted answers to, I couldn’t answer without lying. He had an array of reasons to be upset, but me trying to find my own path angered him. I had been easygoing with Ben for so long, my own doing, just trying to hide under the cloak of that perfect life I was living. Now I was challenging him. I was challenging his past. And it all got twisted back to Brice.
I looked at the ring on my finger and shook my head.
I honestly had no idea what any of us were thinking. Ben and I had gotten so complacent together that he felt it was a good time to propose. And to imagine if Brice hadn’t sent me that email… if things had stayed the version of normal that they had been… Ben would have proposed to me on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. And I would have easily said yes. Meaning we would have really been engaged. Planning a wedding. Taking a step into forever.
My heart raced with heavy thuds that left me short of breath.
I couldn’t stay in bed. If anything, I needed something to drink, to calm my nerves, so I could actually fall asleep.
My phone lit up and vibrated against the warm comforter that had been at the house when we moved in.
Linda was calling.
“Is everything okay?” I asked, not used to her calling this late.
“Paige is at a friend�
�s house,” she said. “Studying. She asked to sleep over since her friend lives near the school. I can’t be alone in this house right now.”
“Come on over,” I said. “I can pour us-”
“Let’s go out,” she said. “I see that Ben’s car is missing. So, he must be working again. What do you think?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Let’s go get a drink.”
“I’ll drive,” Linda said.
I threw the covers off my body and stood up from the bed. I changed in record time, not really caring about how I looked. Jeans and a hoodie were fine by me at this point in life. I was not out looking for any more attention than I already had.
Speaking of which…
I bit my lip and turned to look down at the nightstand.
I gently peeled the ring off my finger and put it on top of it.
I just couldn’t deal with any questions or congratulations tonight.
In fact, I wanted nothing more than to just have one drink with Linda and forget everything in my life.
I caught myself wishing hard as I opened the door to the bar. Wishing that Brice wasn’t working tonight. Because of all the places Linda insisted on going, this was it. She had a good reason, or so she claimed. She was the driver and I could have argued more, but I didn’t.
Instead of sitting at the bar, I demanded that we sit at a table. In the corner. Near the front of the bar. Just as a change of scenery. Something different.
“What can I get you two?” a gruff voice growled at us.
I recognized the man from the last few times we had come here. Everyone called him Lucky.
Relief washed over me as I finally smiled and said I’d take anything with vodka in it. Linda kept it simple with a light beer.
“Drinking the hard stuff,” Linda said.
“You’re driving. Plus, it’s just one.”
“Everything okay?”
“You tell me.”
She shook her head. “Just more drama. He’s fighting everything as hard as he can. And it’s all because of a woman.”
“A woman?”
“That’s why I didn’t want to go anywhere else tonight. He has a girlfriend or something, I don’t know. And I don’t care. I honestly don’t. But if this woman is chirping in his ear about my daughter…”
I frowned. “What a mess.”
“You’re telling me.”
“So, what’s next?”
“I just keep doing what I’m doing,” Linda said. “There’s no way he’s going to wiggle out of being a father. Unless he wants to walk away for good. I’ve tried hard to keep the door open for him.”
“You’ve done a great job,” I said.
“People keep saying that. It doesn’t feel that way though. There’s really nothing I can do. You know, I don’t want to sit here and bore you. And talk about the same thing. You should talk about you for once. Anything. Please.”
“Oh… my life…”
“Anything, Kinsley,” she said. “It can’t be perfect.”
I opened my mouth to find a new lie to tell her when someone came to the table.
“Didn’t expect to see you here tonight.”
I looked up and there was Brice.
My heart stopped. My mouth went dry.
“There’s my boyfriend,” Linda said with a laugh.
“And here’s your drink,” Brice said. He looked at me and put the pink looking vodka drink in front of me. “Vodka, huh? Bad day, Kins?”
His eyes searched for my left hand and I was quick to move it.
“Just a night out,” I said.
“Well, then I guess I’ll come back and check on you later,” he said.
He walked away, and I couldn’t stop myself from staring. At least not until Linda snapped her fingers at me.
“Now who’s the one drooling?” she asked playfully.
I looked at her, my eyes starting to well with tears. I grabbed my glass and downed the drink without even really tasting it.
Linda’s eyes went wide. “Kinsley…?”
“You want to hear about me?” I asked. “You’d better get me another drink. Or two.”
“Okay… is everything okay at home?”
I looked over at the bar, watching Brice moving behind it. Pouring drinks. Flipping glasses in his hand. Looking sexy and cool, just like he had done from the day I met him. I tried so hard to convince myself that this was lust. That it was just between my thighs trying to control me… but it wasn’t that.
“Kinsley?” Linda asked.
“You’d better go get those drinks,” I said. I looked at her. “My life is a fucking mess right now.”
Linda had barely finished her drink while I had just finished off my third. My head was swimming a little bit as I opened up to Linda in a way I never thought I would. I had to ignore the look on her face as the story twisted deeper. I hated that look. The look of sorrow. The look of worry. The look of care.
And while the look meant something to the person offering it, it meant nothing to me. Nothing could change what had happened in my life. That was the whole point of being with Ben, right? He and I couldn’t change the past, so why talk about it and live through it again?
It was too late to turn back though.
When I finally took a breath, I licked my lips and sipped from my glass, which was just ice melting into water.
“Kinsley,” Linda said. “I had no idea. Obviously. I’ve been talking about my family issues for so long…”
“Linda, don’t do that.”
“I’m going to do it. I owe you an apology.”
“For what?”
“For making it seem like I don’t appreciate what I have.”
“What are you talking about?”
Linda waved a hand. “Never mind that.” She leaned forward. “Do you still love Brice?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“And you’re wearing an engagement ring from Ben?”
I showed my naked hand and shrugged my shoulders.
“Holy shit,” she said.
“Yeah.”
“And Ben is out of town?”
“We had a fight about everything,” I said. “He was starting to open up and he went right back to Brice. Not that I could blame him. He knows… and I can’t make a promise to him I won’t be able to keep.”
“So, you’re not done with Brice yet,” Linda said. “Or Ben.”
“No.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I think Ben is a complete fool,” she said, “but this is crazy.”
“Thanks.”
“Sorry.” She looked over at the bar, right at Brice. Then she looked at me. “And Brice knows…”
“Everything,” I said. “They’re both hurt and confused.”
“You’re hurt and confused,” Linda said.
“So, what’s the ending here?”
“Are you and Brice… I mean… is it because of the baby? I’m so sorry for what happened.”
I swallowed hard. “I can’t answer that, Linda. After everything happened, things just ended. There was no bad breakup. No heartache and tears. It was just done.”
“But it wasn’t done,” she said.
I shook my head. “I met Ben and he has been good to me.”
“Just not the one you want forever.”
“Maybe not. But… maybe… Ben is a good person. I know on the outside it doesn't look that way. But if you knew him. If you knew what happened to make him the way he is…”
Linda reached for my hand. “I get it. And look at my track record of men. Look what I’m going through with Dave. I’m biased. I hate all men.”
“You don’t hate Brice.”
“He brings me drinks.”
“It’s more than that. Your eyes…”
“Oh, Jesus, Kinsley,” Linda said. “If I knew all of this beforehand, I wouldn’t have gotten so flirty with him. I thought he was an old friend of yours and that’s it. Maybe someone you used to fool around with. And, fine, he’s a good-look
ing man. Rugged. Tough. Sexy. That’s my type.”
“But Ben isn’t?” I asked. I cringed. “What am I asking you this for?”
“You want validation from someone else,” she said. “Because this decision sucks.”
“Yes, it does. It sucks so badly.”
I blinked fast.
Linda sat back in her chair. “All I can tell you is that I’m here for you. I support anything you feel you need to do. I mean that.”
“Thanks. You have enough to worry about in your life. Do not add me to the mix.”
“Kinsley, you deserve to be happy. Are you happy?”
I didn’t answer fast enough, prompting Linda to stand up from the table. “That’s my point right there. You just poured your beautiful heart out to me and at the end of the story, you’re not happy. Whether it’s with Ben or Brice or by yourself, you need to be happy, Kinsley. Without that, what are you doing in life? Believe me, I know.”
“Are we leaving?” I asked.
“No. I need a cigarette.”
“I’m going to use the bathroom and get a water.”
“That’s a good idea.”
I stood up and put my hands out as the room spun for a quick second.
I reached for Linda. “You’re basically my best friend right now, Linda.”
“You’re the same for me. And I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through and what you’re going through now.”
“Why does this shit have to be so hard?”
“Because it makes it all worth it,” she said. “Or at least that’s what everyone wants you to believe.”
She offered a weak smile and walked away.
Linda had been something like a security blanket for me when we came to this bar. Only now she knew everything. She knew about me and Brice. She knew about me and Ben. She knew all the little pieces of the puzzle that still didn’t fit together to make the bigger picture.
Talking was supposed to help. That’s what everyone always told me. After things moved on from Brice, my father told me to talk to someone. Kyle was kinder, being there for me, but still wanting me to talk. The two all but forced me into the office of a therapist, where I did a lot of talking, but only ended up leaving feeling worse than when I arrived. I didn’t feel good about telling Linda about myself. But it happened. It was there, and it was in the open now. I couldn’t take the words back. And I was foolish enough to think that maybe by telling Linda, she would have some kind of solution for me. Like I wanted someone to tell me who to choose and why.
Nobody Else Page 4