I raced out of the banquet hall to the large hallway with fancy carpeting and fancier chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. My eyes went to the door and I hurried outside. The air was super cold, and my skin tightened and burned almost instantly. I took a deep breath and a white cloud danced in front of my face.
My vision… my plan… well, it just wasn’t ever meant to be it seemed. I thought we were going to come here and walk hand in hand, making fun of everyone else. Eat the most expensive food we could find. Try something new to drink to just say we did. Maybe some fancy wine where the label wasn’t even in English. But this was really a work thing for Ben. I should have known better.
“Hey, Kinsley?”
I turned, and Ben stood with the door open. He looked surprised. And a little pissed off.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing?”
“Getting air.”
“It’s freezing out here. Get back inside.”
“I’m good for a minute.”
Ben stepped outside. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Kinsley…”
“Nothing,” I said again. “I didn’t realize… whatever.”
“Didn’t realize what?” he asked as he started to gently rub my arms to warm me up.
“This is a big deal for you.”
“Tonight? Nah.”
“Ben, you haven’t looked at me once.”
“I was just saying hello to some friends.”
“Every person in the room?”
“It’s part of my job,” he said. “Mingle. Hear the speech. Now we can have a couple more drinks. Or just get out of here. You tell me.”
“Ben, did you tell everyone we’re engaged?”
He turned his head. “Don’t do this now.”
“Do what?”
“Kinsley, please.”
“Answer me,” I said.
He wouldn’t look at me again.
My lip curled, and I walked to the door to go back inside.
Ben raced after me.
“Wait a second,” he growled as he caught up. “What did you want me to say?”
“You can’t tell the truth?” I asked.
“I told them before it all happened,” he said. Sadness crept over his face.
“What?”
“I told them before… before I gave you the ring. Okay? I planned it for months. And guess what? I was nervous. I’d never proposed to anyone in my life. There was one person I was going to propose to. And she…”
“Chrissy,” I whispered.
“Yeah. And then I met you. I was nervous, so I mentioned it to a few people. Just to get it off my chest. I had it planned out. Then everything got messy around Christmas. And I gave you the ring with a different meaning behind it.”
“And you just let it slide here?”
Ben scoffed. “As opposed to what? Going from person to person to explain how you met up with your old love and are now suddenly confused about life? Or that you lost a baby and never told me about it?”
I gasped. I wanted to slap him.
“You could have warned me,” I said. “It’s embarrassing to stand there and have people congratulating you on an engagement that never happened.”
“Try being me,” Ben said.
“I’m sorry, Ben. I’m sorry for everything that’s happening right now. I thought we were coming here to have fun and enjoy the night. I didn’t realize I was going to be some trophy hanging off your arm. And I didn’t realize I’d get ambushed as your fiancée.”
“Hey, there he is,” a voice called out. “Ben. I was looking for you.”
A man holding a glass approached us.
I bit my tongue as Ben looked uncomfortable.
“Dan,” Ben said and offered his hand. “I was hoping to see you tonight.”
“I was looking for you. Everyone said you took off with your fiancée.” Dan looked at me. “And I don’t blame you one bit.”
I felt anger rise up in me.
I wasn’t some woman to just look at.
I hated feeling this way.
“I was actually just leaving,” I said.
“Leaving?” Dan asked.
“She’s not feeling well,” Ben said.
“Exactly,” I said. “I’m feeling a little sick.”
“I’m going to walk her out,” Ben said. “Meet me at the bar in five?”
“You got it, Ben,” Dan said. “We have lots to talk about.”
“Yes, we do.”
I couldn’t believe what I was watching.
“Lots to talk about,” I said.
I turned and went back to the door to face the cold.
Ben was right there, his hand on the door to block me. “You don’t have your coat, Kinsley. Or the keys.”
“Then I guess I should get them both. Before I really get sick.”
He held the door shut. “What do I say to this? I’m hurting too. For a lot of reasons. What I do with my job is what keeps me fucking sane in all of this.”
I looked at him. “We should have stayed home and talked.”
“The only person who has to do talking is you. You’re the one who is confused. You’re the one who never said goodbye, right?”
“Please don’t throw anything I’ve said to you in my face.”
“I’m repeating what you said. Not throwing it in your face. This is my job here.”
“And I can see that you can’t turn it off for a second, can you?”
“Maybe I can’t. The same way you can’t turn it off for someone else.”
“It’s okay to be hurt, Ben. It’s okay to be that way around me. You don’t have to hide it.”
“I’m not doing that,” he said. “I’m not playing that game with you. Stand here. I’ll get your coat and your keys.”
Ben hurried away from me.
I looked down at the ring.
I thought back to the moment he gave me the ring. That morning when he didn’t go right to work. When he cooked breakfast. I knew it wasn’t going to last. Ben was who he was. And I could either accept it or forget it.
He returned with my coat and the keys to the SUV. We took the SUV in case the roads got icy.
“How are you going to get home?” I asked.
“I’ll manage,” he said.
“I’m sorry this is happening,” I said.
“Me too,” he said. “I had it all planned…”
“Maybe you should give up the plans, Ben,” I said.
He leaned down and kissed my cheek. “I love you, Kinsley. Maybe you should give up the past…”
I drove home and couldn’t stop thinking about Lindsay.
I remembered the first time I felt the butterfly fluttering in my belly like it just happened. There was a time when I could feel it, but Brice couldn’t. I’d hurry to grab his hand and place it on my stomach. I’d be so excited, feeling our baby’s first little movements, but he couldn’t feel them. There was some medical reason for it, but I didn’t remember. Brice would get so mad and even a little jealous, he’d storm away in a bad mood. At one point he asked me if him not being able to feel the baby move meant he was going to be a bad father.
It was the cutest thing I ever saw as he sat on the edge of the bed, looking worried.
I leaned in on him and told him it was going to be okay. One of the rare times I was the one comforting him and telling him it was going to be okay. That was his favorite line. It made him smile.
His hands touched my belly, probably wanting to keep going up. We had time alone and the look in his eyes told me something else, but that was the moment he first felt the baby kick.
And memories like that one kept coming to me.
All the little moments that nobody else ever saw or knew about.
Even after…coming home to the quiet house. Watching Brice scramble to make everything normal. When there was no such thing as normal ever again. It was day and night of Brice doing all he could when I just wandered arou
nd the house, lost and confused.
At some point it all made sense to just leave.
I never gave him the chance to stop and grieve. All he ever wanted to do was take care of me.
When I arrived back home, I stared at the house. There were lights that came on automatically with timers. There were solar lights that survived winter and still came on. They didn’t last as long as they did in the summer though because of the lack of sunlight. Out of the eight lights we had, only three were turned on. The other five had already quit for the night.
My eyes went to Linda’s house and I saw the glow of her TV against the curtains in her living room. The logical thing would have been to go there. Knock on the door. Ring the doorbell. Burst into tears.
She would understand.
She would be there.
But Paige could be there too.
I retreated to the house and hurried to rip off the light, fancy jacket that matched my dress. My eyes saw my big, puffy winter coat hanging up and I grabbed it off the hook. I put it on, knowing I probably looked stupid. I didn’t care. I didn’t care how I looked. I never cared how I looked. Same thing with my house, my car, my everything. None of that stuff mattered. Yet I was sort of living that life…
The house was so empty and so quiet.
So perfectly put together and perfectly clean.
Dim lights under the kitchen cabinets.
Dim lights in random spots across the house.
My house was supposed to be messy now. I was supposed to be stressed about the messes. The laundry. The cooking. The schedules. That’s what it was supposed to be.
I took out my phone and sent Ben a quick text to let him know I was home.
I leaned against the kitchen sink, waiting for his reply.
I found the last picture Brice had sent to me. The one I didn’t remember him taking. Me standing with one leg up on the fence to our neighbor’s yard. My hair was sort of in my face, but you could see my eyes. It was a really cool looking picture but nothing about it seemed cool.
I bit my lip and sent the picture back to Brice.
Where is this from?
Brice replied faster than Ben did.
What? The picture? You know where it’s from.
I sighed.
I mean, when did you take this? I don’t remember it.
Brice replied right away.
I didn’t think you would. Do you really want me to text you the story?
“Yes,” I whispered. “I can’t…”
My phone buzzed again.
Ben finally replied.
Glad you’re home - stay safe - I’m staying here - I’ll figure out how to get home - there’s a room here - love you - night
So that was it.
Ben was going to stay and mingle. He expected me to play the game of faking an engagement without so much as a warning beforehand. All those people, all dressed up, Ben schmoozing them, holding me tightly and pushing me around like I was some kind of prize he’d won.
Kins, you there?
I stared at Brice’s text.
I then looked around the house.
This was no longer a thing about right and wrong. That didn’t matter. Right and wrong was sometimes an opinion and I didn’t care about anyone’s opinion.
I knew what I wanted to do.
And at the same time, I knew what I had to do.
I’m here… but I don’t want to be.
I hurried through the house to pack an overnight bag before I changed my mind.
“Look at you, love,” Brice said as he held the door open for me.
“Shut it,” I said.
I blasted into the cabin as though it were my home. There was the smell of the fire along with a slight hint of dust… and a lot of Brice. It was very enticing and very welcoming.
This feels like home…
“Are you okay?” Brice asked.
I turned and looked at him. “I need to know about that picture.”
“You can take your coat off, Kins. Stay a while.”
“I can’t stay,” I said. “I’m here to get the story and that’s it.”
So why did you pack a bag and bring it with you?
“Are you wearing a dress?” he asked.
I hugged myself. “Please, Brice.”
He showed his hands. “Okay. Right. I mean, for the record, you look insanely sexy right now.”
“What?”
“You’re wearing winter boots with a dress. A black dress that’s teasing me to see how it fits you under that winter coat.”
“I look like a fool on the run,” I said.
Brice held up one finger. “Correction. A sexy fool on the run. And you’re not running. You’re here with me.”
“Because of the picture.”
“Can I go get the picture and then tell you about it? Is that allowed? You know, since you’re showing up to my house and now commanding me around?”
I swallowed hard.
Brice raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah. I’m sorry, Brice. I didn’t mean-”
“At least get comfortable for a second. Your legs have to be cold.”
He walked toward the bedroom and I walked toward the fireplace. I took deep breaths, begging myself to calm down. The mix of emotions inside me was crazy. Everything at once.
Brice emerged with the picture in his hand.
I quickly took it from him and stared at it in the reflection of the light from the fireplace.
“I don’t remember this at all,” I said.
Hair fell in front of my face.
It bothered me that I couldn’t remember it.
“I shouldn’t have sent it, Kins,” Brice said.
“Why?” I asked, looking up at him.
He gently touched my hair and moved it out of my face. “I was mad. Drunk. Right after I saw…” His eyes moved to my left hand.
When I looked, I gasped.
I was still wearing the ring.
“Brice…”
“A ring is a ring, Kins,” he said. “No matter what it means to you. It’s what the world sees. It’s that someone else got my moment. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to lose anything we had. It never made sense in the way I lied to myself about it. So, I found this picture and sent it to you. And I’m sorry I did.”
“I don’t remember it, Brice. It’s bothering me.”
“Kins, you’re not supposed to remember this picture.”
“Why?”
Brice stepped back and rubbed his jaw. “This was right after…”
My heart sank into my stomach.
I felt sick for a few seconds.
“It was the first time you went outside on your own,” Brice said. “You wanted to go see the horses, but they weren’t out. It was just a really tough moment for both of us. I probably shouldn’t have taken your picture, but I wanted to capture it all. I knew someday we’d look back and wonder how we got through it. I didn’t think it would be like this though, Kins.”
I slid my fingertips across the picture. “Do you have more like this?”
“Not many,” he said. “That one was special to me. You left the house on your own and walked to the fence. I knew the horses weren’t out and I feared it was going to get to you. But it didn’t. You stood there and put one leg up on the fence and just stared for a little while. Honestly, it was the first time I had a little bit of relief in the situation. All I did was try to erase anything that could hurt you. That was probably stupid of me. I just didn’t know how to help you. I mean, our place was a shrine to a baby that wasn’t there. The bottles were never going to be used. The toys. The swing. The crib. The baby monitor…”
Brice turned his head and cleared his throat. I watched him take a deep breath.
“I let you down, Brice.”
“What? No.”
“I did. I don’t remember this picture. I don’t remember much right after getting home. And I forever saw you hiding everything as a way to fix me.”
Brice nodded. “I get that. We had no fucking clue what to do. We’d always depended on each other and that was the first time in our relationship that we didn’t know how to.” He looked at me. “I wanted to cry my eyes out, Kins. I wanted you to hold me as I cried. But I couldn’t do that. It was my job to hold you. And you wanted to be alone, which was fine. You were the one who…”
“We, Brice, we,” I said. I touched his arm. “We. It was never just me. It was you and me together.”
He nodded. “And now look at it.”
I hurried to look at the picture again. “Did I know you took this picture?”
“Yeah,” Brice said. “I asked you to smile and you turned your head. A couple of pieces of hair moved across your face and I snapped the picture. You looked so fucking beautiful, Kins. I knew you were hurting. I knew you were fucking broken. I couldn’t fix you. Yet, you were standing. It was beautiful to me. It was the first time I had a little bit of hope. That picture was the moment… I just didn’t realize it was the beginning of me losing you.”
I squeezed Brice’s arm tightly. “You never lost me, Brice.”
“You left.”
“I didn’t go far.”
“You wanted me to stay away.”
“I wanted you to come save me…”
“I’m here right now, love.”
“And so am I, Brice.”
“In a fancy dress, wearing that ring,” he said. “And that puffy coat. Driving me insane, Kinsley. You always drive me insane.”
“Then maybe you should do something about it,” I whispered.
Brice touched the picture in my hand and pulled it away, putting it on the fireplace mantel. We faced each other, our eyes dancing as hot as the flames of the fire.
“Why’d you really come here, Kins?” Brice asked.
“I think you know why, Brice…”
13
That One Picture
Brice
I wasn’t going to ask any questions because the answers would only piss me off. But to see Kinsley dressed up the way she was and being here meant there were issues happening at home. We were all linked together in a fucked-up way and I hated it. There was no easy decision… even if there was a decision to make at all. This was about the moment and stealing it when it came.
Nobody Else Page 12